It was back in 1995 - my parents were constantly fighting ever since I could remember, but it was pretty bad. I was only fifteen and didn't understand a thing. My dad was a university lecturer and my mom was a business woman. But I was also always there to comfort and listen to my mom but I didn't have enough experience or knowledge about life to actually understand what was going on or even give the right advice, thus I fell into a state of minor depression, acting very eccentric in school, having hard times focusing in class.
But I remember that year which was the 9th grade or form three of High School here in Malaysia was the mid high-school examinations called PMR. The more intelligent students who were my friends surrounded me. The Malaysian Education system is very backward and absolutely sucks. Back in 7th grade or form one, I was in the bright kid's class but I decided not to be just known as a 'smart' kid or a dumb kid but as a person and an individual, so I didn't care too much about my grades or studies. I just wanted to be 'normal'.
That year, with the fights and problems going on at home, being so young I made the silliest mistake and decision ever. To try to score straight A's for my PMR exams hoping that if my parents were proud and happy, they would stop fighting and things would be back to normal and peaceful again. Biggest mistake of my life because sometimes children who see their parents fighting don't understand adult crisis or situations, so they blame themselves. It's usually the guilt, sorrow and frustration in life which causes the damage of depression that we go into a 'defensive' mode to protect ourselves from the outside world or reality and reduced back to an almost 'child like' state.
One week before the PMR examinations I had went for one whole week straight without sleep, only meditating and trying hard to 'memorize' all the answers for the exams, which was a big mistake. As the day for the examination arrived, I had a nervous breakdown, my parents had to pick me up from school, and I could never finish my exams.
At first I wanted my parents to send me to a psychologist or counselor so I may 'talk' my problems out with the psychologist who would then probably act as a 'mediator' for me to my parents and probably help THEM realize what they were doing to ME as well. But my parents brought me to a psychiatrist (I still HATE them until this very day). Psychiatrist's don't see you as a state of mind but as a bunch of hormones and chemical imbalances in the brain and give you pills to eat which make you feel 'less' human because you can't 'feel' certain things and you're almost like a 'robot' emotionless.
But at one point the doctor misdiagnosed me as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) when I was in fact what they would describe as 'manic depression' or bipolar. She injected me with something to sooth me and calm me down. But I couldn't calm down and things got even worse. I remember crying so bad in the car and then my nerves started pulling and my muscles started cramping, I cried so bad that my jaw tightened and was pulled to the LEFT side and my entire left body just felt numb along with my tongue. My parents brought me back home and for three straight months, I was nearly paralyzed on my left side, barely being able to properly move my left arm or walk properly. My tongue was numb with my jaw pulled to the left; I couldn't eat, nor talk properly. My parents fed me mostly porridge, isotonic drinks and chocolate every once in a while for energy.
I thought that I would stay that way forever. But I did not know how serious the effects of the drugs could be on my body's nervous system. Sometimes I'd literally forget to breath and my heart beat would stop for a few seconds. One night it got as bad as I was lying in the floor of the living room. My breathing was slowing down to a point where my chest could barely move, I was crying horribly as all I could remember was - my feet were very cold. My dad and mom were there in the living room. My dad called for one of my neighbors to help as I was saying, 'I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!' while crying horribly as it really began to feel as if the coldness was beginning to creep up slowly from my feet moving upwards and I couldn't feel my feet anymore. The feeling of that coldness creeping-up my body was the scariest and most intimidating feeling in my life.
As my family was Muslim, my father who was on my left was whispering in my ears the 'Shahadah', which goes: 'There is only one God,' over and over again, which made me even more afraid because the 'shahadah' is only whispered into one's ear when close to the moment of death. I cried even more. I do remember uncle Muharram, my nearby neighbor coming to help, but I was already hopeless on the floor. Slowly that feeling of coldness began to creep up to my upper body to my chest, which slowed my breathing down even more and caused me to feel dazed. As it started to reach my entire body - I could barely feel my physical body anymore as everything was numb and felt like it wasn't even there. My vision began to blur into grey, then slowly turned white, as I couldn't see anymore. I was so scared and as afraid at that moment as I knew somehow that I was dying. As my vision turned white, all I could hear were the voices around me, but slowly even my hearing begun to fade. As that cold-numbness feeling began to creep up to my head.
At that moment, I could no longer feel that I 'had' a body anymore but somehow I was conscious of my surroundings. In those moments of fear, I did sort of feel a presence by my right side, sort of comforting me through the process, as slowly I felt as if I was being lifted or carried away. What my body now felt like was that I was just a 'cold mist'; it felt as if my hands, legs didn't even exist. That feeling of floating upwards and away could only be equivalent to diving into a swimming pool and lying on the bottom and letting yourself float upwards - with the water so freezing cold that your whole body goes numb.
For a few seconds, I saw myself from above, lying on the floor, I saw uncle Muharram on my left and my dad on my right, my mother near the sofa looking worried, but I kept on floating upwards and away. For a brief second I saw the rooftop of my house. I saw the housing area where I lived from above, and as I got higher, I could see some night clouds in the sky. I felt sad leaving my parents and my family - of leaving this world, as I knew that I might never come back.
As I turned to face the direction to which I was being pulled, the moment I turned around - there was a bright blinding light, as I expected to see the moon. But at that precise moment as I faced towards the direction I was floating or being pulled towards. It felt like an instantaneous 'vacuum', as if I was being sucked in incredible speed towards that light.
It felt like a tunnel with a light at the end of it - I felt as if I was in outer space being sucked like a vacuum racing towards the light at the end as I could make out the dots, like stars, around me while rushing towards that light. The only way to describe the feeling was almost like riding a motorcycle at breakneck speeds without your helmet on, or sky diving with the wind blowing hard against you - that feeling of tremendous speed where you're helpless to do anything about it as you have no control.
I felt so afraid, as I thought that I might go to hell for some of the things I've done. I've only 'heard' them talk about it, but this time I realized, I might be GOING there. Worst of all so many thoughts were happening at the same moment as I also thought how young I was. I haven't felt what it was like to fall in love, I haven't gotten married yet, I wouldn't see my family again or my friends and I haven't had the chance to experience so many things in my life, all these sad thoughts occurring at once which made me sad.
But as I grew closer to the light and felt its shine, a sudden cool and calmness came over me. For the light made me feel peaceful all of a sudden as I grew closer. It was a kind of peace and calm, which I've never felt in my entire lifetime, even until this very day. From afar, as I grew closer to the light, I could see almost like figures in the light, like heads, people all dressed in white, as if it were some sort of congregation or a crowd. The more I came closer, the more I felt like 'staying' and my sadness and fears disappeared. It felt like that comfort feeling of 'home.'
My mind began to change with that overwhelming feeling of peace, comfort and calm, a sort of happiness I've never felt when getting closer to the light. The peace and comfort felt like being embraced or hugged by a lover, and the calmness felt like the feeling of lying in your lover's embrace after making love to someone special. The safety feeling it gave was almost that sort of safe and comfort feeling that we got when we were just a child being embraced and carried around in our parent's arms.
As I finally arrived or hit the light, for a few seconds I saw a young man, he seemed around seventeen to in his twenties. He looked a bit familiar and smiled at me as if he 'knew' me. He raised his hand to signal me to stop, and at that precise moment, I started breathing again.
I awoke, which felt as if I had been holding my breath underwater far too long. Slowly my physical conscious came back to me. I slowly began to 'hear' again, then slowly everything was white, then grey. I could slowly begin to see once again. My senses of that feeling of my body slowly began to come back to me; I slowly began to feel my arms and my chest, and slowly, my legs.
I was alive! I was awake. My dad was right next to me and there was uncle Muharram on my right. The first thing I did was to try to move my feet and my toes. They moved.
I felt relieved in some ways, but in some ways, I did like that peaceful feeling of the light and I was baffled.
But slowly, after this experience, my left side of my body that was paralyzed began to recover slowly and my physical condition began to recuperate. As soon as I got better and became 'normal' again I was still very much dazed and blurred due to that experience which I had went through - as I didn't know what to do with my life. But worst of all, which I never truly understood, was the presence that I felt on my right side, comforting me during those moments in some ways - that sense never really left me and I began to sense or feel things 'differently'.
I remember after I got better, we went back to my dad's hometown in the East Coast of Malaysia near Terengganu. As I was looking through my grandma's old picture albums. There I saw the person in that light whom I did not really recognize at first. My late grandfather had passed away a year earlier. I could not recognize him, as I've only known him as the way he looked when he was around his seventies, but the picture of my grandpa in his late twenties looked exactly like the young man whom I met in the light and had smiled at me. I guess he was saying stop, because it wasn't my time yet.
Ever since then, my whole life has changed. I began going for my dreams and ambitions in life without any fears to TRY new things out which has brought me very far in life and career achievements. But most of all I began sensing or reading people much easier, I could sense their pains, angers, frustrations, and sorrows, as well as their hopes. Sometimes when being close to people I could see visions of their past and sometimes, if I concentrate hard enough, I could even see their futures. At some times I could sense what people called or deemed as 'restless spirits' or 'ghosts' at places which some people deemed 'haunted' even before they tell me these places were considered 'haunted'.
Ironically, the emotional output coming from these 'restless spirits' seem very much similar to the emotional outputs which I could sense from 'living' people when it comes to seeing or sensing their futures.
These special 'senses' have helped me understand human beings, about life, God and creation. The more I understood about human beings, the more I understood about life and believed that there was a God, that He existed, and that there is a life after death and angels. Today I try not to be racially or even religiously biased even though I do very much believe in my own faith, but I believe that doing good to one another as human beings is much more important as this is what God wants. I do believe that EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason and that I was given this special 'gift' to HELP those around me.
Date NDE Occurred: 1995
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No Illness Side effects of a misdiagnose from psychotropic drugs prescribed by Dr. 'Life threatening event, but not clinical death' .
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal It felt almost as if my field of vision was like 360 degrees as I could see everything but I couldn't control of where I was going which was towards the light.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the time when I felt like I was being sucked into a vacuum traveling towards the light.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I did not have any awareness of space and time as it felt like it was all happening so fast.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes If they were beings, they weren't clearly visible in a 'recognizable' form ever seen here on earth.
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes It was a huge light, almost like the Sun but White and not hot, but cooling and very huge.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm That feeling of travelling fast through space seemed beautiful...
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Scared, sorrow of leaving my parents, family and friends behind, of not being able to complete a normal life and experience a lot of things by dying young.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future Not of the world in general, but only towards human specific or individual.
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes I feel that if I ever tried to cross the boundaries, I will be trapped here on earth or I would physically die.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I believe that all religions are interrelated. That the message from the higher being or God as we know is all the same, which is to DO GOOD here on Earth to one another, then we would earn our way back and life here would be peaceful. The message has always been the SAME from the same being; only the MESSENGERS and the INTERPRETERS have always been different. If mankind stuck to the 'basics' of the message there would be no clashes or differences.
What is your religion now? Moderate
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I believe that all religions are interrelated. That the message from the higher being or God as we know is all the same, which is to DO GOOD here on Earth to one another, then we would earn our way back and life here would be peaceful. The message has always been the SAME from the same being; only the MESSENGERS and the INTERPRETERS have always been different. If mankind stuck to the 'basics' of the message there would be no clashes or differences.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes That EVERYTHING in LIFE here on earth happens for a reason, there ARE some amounts of scientific explanations for what we call the 'supernatural' but science has not yet fully discovered the body of knowledge required to unravel such mysteries. There are greater powers at play, which moves our destiny - I believe in what 'physics' calls 'The Butterfly Effect', which is how some things or events within our lives are put into motion. Some religions call it destiny or fate, while others may call it Karma, but it is interrelated. There are even a set of rules on how 'hardships' happens in our lives as each test given to us is normally targeted specific to our own behavioral weaknesses. The 'stakes' of these tests in life are normally high as the stakes are normally the things we desire, cherish, need or love in life where we have to make a 'choice'. The wrong choice and mindset causes us to suffer emotionally inside. The right choices makes us stronger and even much better and often 'changes' us as people along with our perceptions in life. The tests require patience, persistence, intelligence and courage most often to do what is right.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Some people are afraid of me. While some good friends who know and trust me and my gifts come to me for counsel and advice.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes To explain the feeling of what it's like to not feel physical or having a physical 'body' but still be aware and conscious of your surroundings and events.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Every time I walk around in public, all I sense is anger, sorrow, frustration, fears, hopes, prayers, regrets in life from the people around me. I could feel what some people described as 'aura energy' and each human being's aura energy signature is unique and connected to his/her heart. Women are much easier to sense as they're more emotionally sensitive than men. Men have many frustrations and anger while women have a lot of sorrows and fears, which is why I believe sometimes it's hard to communicate between men and women.
But every religion talks about these 'aura' energies. In Malay they call it 'Tenaga Batin', the Chinese call it 'Chi', while the Japanese may call it 'Chakra'. But these energies are very real and fluctuate a pattern according to a person's moods or experiences in life thus these energies in fact tell a 'story' about one person's life coming from their hearts. Usually in times of fears or trauma, these bodily or aura energy emits a very strong wave which I believe somehow could transcend even time. For example, when I was talking to my friend Linie over the phone, I told her to be careful, that her younger sister would take something very valuable from her table in the bedroom and she would become very angry. I tried calling her the next day to tell her not to be so angry. But three days later she confirmed to me that her eleven year old sister took her cell phone from her table without telling her and made a couple of phone calls. She got so upset that she told her mother, her mother slapped her sister on the face twice. What I sensed from the future in fact was Linie's ANGER and her younger sister's TRAUMA and pain, which echoed from the future. But these emotions which echo somehow seem very much familiar in their patterns which those from spirits which we call 'ghosts' which also seemed 'trapped' in a particular place.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The feeling of the light, the kind of peace which I have NEVER felt in my life before here on earth which makes me unafraid of facing death or dying anymore - it's just a natural part of life. What matters is what we do WITH our lives here on earth. And of course seeing my grandpa seeming so peaceful and calm, and young too. I do believe in the part of Islamic religion when a very old lady went up to the Prophet Muhammad and asked: 'Are there any OLD people in heaven?' The prophet answered: 'I am so sorry, but there are no old people in heaven.' The old lady cried and the prophet answered, 'In heaven the OLD become young again.' And the old lady was smiling in joy.
The only way I could describe it was, it was that feeling of peace that we used to have when we were 'joyous' a child, caught in our own world of imagination, not knowing about the realities of life and safe. That feeling of peace once you reach the light, it feels as if all pains and sorrows, all the negative experiences and emotions here on earth NEVER EVEN EXISTED, and it is just peaceful. That is why I only want to do good here now so that one day, when my time comes, I want to be able to go back there, back 'home'.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Some became afraid that I would 'read' them like a book. Women especially because they get quite defensive, when all this while I always thought women LIKE a man who truly understands, but the truth is, not understanding too much. But some friends have turned to me for advice as most often the things which I tell them DO happen and have been very accurate, thus they would like to know more about their futures.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. It left me totally blurred as I could never explain it - most of all, I thought I was surely dead. Thus being alive was the most blurry part as I did not know what to DO with my 'new' life in the beginning.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No Sorry, back in college tried 'experimenting' but it NEVER gave me that feeling of peace which I felt during that experience, never came even CLOSE to it.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? If there's anybody ELSE out there who senses things the same way I do and the same experience please email me.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? It would be helpful to know that I'm not the only one who senses things or sometimes see things/events happening in other people's lives before they happen.