I was still bleeding and dizzy, but I had to get my husband out the door. I had to be alone. After a superb acting job on my part, my husband left for work and I collapsed against the front door. I could feel the presence of my dead child. My womb was rotting away and there was nothing I could do. There was a dull throbbing ache in my belly, but it radiated throughout my body. It was unbearable. I thought how the doctor had nicely told me not to try to get pregnant again and I cramped even more. Unbearable. I headed for my medicine cabinet and began swallowing various cocktails of pills, hoping I would pass on rather than pass out or vomit.
It didn't take long before I slumped to the bathroom floor, but by then I was looking at my own body. The pain was gone and the sadness was gone, but I certainly didn't feel happy. I can't describe how I felt - out of balance, maybe. The visuals were extreme. My bathroom melted into a whirlwind of red - my blood, I think. Something took my hands gently and guided me through the m'lstrom of colors. There was sound like music around me. I felt that I was one with the universe, walking through solar systems and galaxies. But in a final spin of lavender, I felt myself slipping into this mortal reality. I was on my back on the floor outside my apartment. My landlord, who was also my friend, had stopped by - apparently my husband had asked her to check on me - and found me in the bathroom. A strong effort by the emergency medical technician squad had gotten my heart beating again, and the paramedic closest to me said I had been gone for a good two minutes.
Date NDE Occurred: 'February 7, 1999'
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain IllnessSuicide attempt Miscarriage 'Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening'
I had just had my third miscarriage in six months and I was not in the best of health. It was a balancing act, but so long as I took care of myself, my situation wasn't life threatening.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was at my most alert when I felt I was a galaxy walker, moving through the universe with power and purpose.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning.
It seemed to me like I was 'gone' for days, but in reality not even an hour had passed since I'd started popping the pills.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I wasn't seeing with my eyes.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I wasn't hearing with my ears.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes There were beings guiding me by my 'hands' but I don't know what they were.
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The colors and the universe were incredible and were an odd counterpoint to the confusion I felt.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? It felt stagnant, like something that wanted to be in motion but couldn't be.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I think I learned that we all die at our appointed time, no sooner and no later. Therefore, suicide really is not an option. It's helped me to shut away those thoughts.
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Liberal 'I was raised with very universalist ideas, particularly the importance of compassion and reincarnation.'
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What is your religion now? Liberal 'I am still very much as I was raised; only my understanding has greater depth.'
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I felt certain that whatever the universe is up to, I am a part of it.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I've learned to accept that biological motherhood is not a relationship I can have, and so I've learned to cherish my other options.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Uncertain It was much like events were happening in a different dimension or a different universe. Relative descriptions that I can give here aren't quite an accurate reflection.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I was pretty metaphysical before the experience.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? My return was most significant. To me it meant that whatever life was throwing my way, I still have things to do here.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Uncertain I have told others that it happened, but I don't go into the details.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I'd been exposed to the idea in the media and through people I knew.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real I know what I experienced and to me it was entirely real. I don't need any external proof to corroborate my experience. I haven't spent the intervening years trying to convince myself it didn't happen, because I'm at peace.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was probably real.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? We as a people need to research these experiences more and come to know that blurry area between what we call life and what we call death better. The brain is an amazing thing and we really know so little about it.