At the time I was twenty-two years old and was struggling to forge my way through college. I saw no meaning in life. I was reading self-help books, studying healthy diets and outdoor exercising in my spare time or times when I should have been studying ‘irrelevant’ general education classes. My parents were having a hard time keeping me in college. My focus was scattered and dull and I was pushing away from my parents, differentiating myself from them. Nothing made sense to me and I didn't like any of my options.
Ever since I was seven years old, I had chosen to periodically hang out with a neighborhood girl whose family was the opposite of mine. She used partying as an escape from her own life. We considered each other as best friends and loved each other dearly. I could only handle so much of her behaviors, and then would distance myself from her, to a calmer, more peaceful environment of my own. We had a relationship where she came to me for peace and calm and I went to her for an escape from the pressures of my normal life.
The day of the accident, it was St. Patrick’s Day and my childhood friend and I chose to ditch our responsibilities and hit the river to drink beer and lie in the sun. After a couple of hours, she wanted to drive up the canyon to show me a new spot on the river. She drove us up and then down the canyon, and on our way back she decided to spin the back tires of her truck on the gravel on the side of the road. I remember her saying, ‘Check it out!’ and me yelling at her to stop and not to do it again. I sensed trouble was coming. She did it again (‘Check it out!’) and suddenly time and space stopped. It was beautiful! I was free from troubles, and I felt the love and acceptance I always searched for in my world, from friends, family and boyfriends. Now it was everywhere, inside and outside of me. It was everything, and I was part of it! For my whole life, I had missed it so much! What I felt, I had ached for and now I had found it again! It was so encompassing and accepting. There was true love everywhere. I wasn't talking, but I could hear all of my revelations. I marveled that I was okay, I was loved and that I was perfect just the way I was! Although I had heard those words numerous time in church, I had only ever felt a drop of it here and there. I had been so overcome by conditions in the world and what others thought I should be, that I never felt loved. Religion had not helped at all with teaching me about love. I never accepted that small place inside of myself that loved me. That voice, that place, that feeling, I pushed it aside and said, ‘Yeah, but… what about others, society, friends, family... whoever I placed value in, why didn't they value me and love me like that? I wanted more than the inside part of me to love me. It wasn't enough. When I was out of my body, I got it. ‘No body’ was nobody. Somehow, I felt love and acceptance from everyone. I could finally believe that little voice, that feeling that said I was loved and I was okay just the way I was.
Then I encountered some very tall male beings with a long beards and robes. They were all white. Everything was white, including me. I was a whispery fog, like, with no feet and no ground. Nothing was solid. The beings were strong and intense. I don't know if it was fear I felt, but I was not going to challenge or question anything coming from them. We did discuss my past. We agreed I would have the accident, and I would be ok and would go back. They told me I had to go back anyway, and that I had to do what I was meant to do. They said I was on the wrong path. But they never told me what my right path was and, truthfully, I still don't have a solid concept of what it is. I just follow, day to day, what is next within me. Many times, I wish they gave me a definite path; it would be a lot easier to stay on task.
Looking back, I know I would have just dissected more than half of what I was to experience, thinking about everything too much. It's been twenty years, and I am still learning. Funny thing is, you have a near death experience and come out different, exposed to yourself but then what do you do? Are you a ‘big deal’ or do you have a mission, or what? My life has only asked me to work on myself. To live life, to filter the thoughts that come between me and life. To get closer to me. I guess I am writing to you because I want to re-experience my near death experience. To re-ignite what I already know.
I was out-of-body for about a half-hour. The truck had lost control, had fallen end-over-end, and had crashed upside down. I received a blow to my left cheekbone upon landing. A small rock punctured the glass on the sunroof and cracked my cheekbone, without touching my eye or my temple. I had brain trauma that created an awareness of how I thought, focused and communicated. I had to learn how to formulate my thoughts again and then learn a new way to communicate them. I quit college, stripped away the world I knew in an impulsive twenty-two-year-old fashion. I was filled with wisdom from being out-of-body, but inside this world and my twenty-two-year-old body, I was still immature. I awkwardly learned about food as natural medicine, spent more time in nature and made choices I wanted to make, but yes, still stumbling.
In the hospital, I was still surrounded by that out-of-body sensibility. I brought it around me and in me. I felt no painful emotions but every day was the same. No one would tell me what had happened to my face, was it torn up? Or what did I look like? Their faces told me it wasn't up to any standards of beauty. I finally saw my face, and I did see beauty! I was an attractive girl to begin with, so beauty had already been placed on the outside of me. So I hadn't known whether the beauty I perceived was superficial or not. When I saw my swollen, bruised, cut-up face and head, I did see beauty, anyway! I knew I would heal and that I was ok. I felt peace.
Wake up. I did. I still hold that change inside of me; it altered my way of life. I still struggle, feel pain, and judge myself, though. I've been through school, marriage, jobs, birth, divorce and remarriage. Do I still want more of that feeling of being out-of-body? Yes! Every day! And I work at it every day.
Date NDE Occurred: March 17, 1992
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Accident. Direct head injury. Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening
How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I was still me. I just loved me unconditionally.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? From the moment I left my body.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
After I woke up, I could not tell if it was a dream, or when I had it. I didn’t know whether it was before or after the accident.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could see everything, but all there was to see was the white fog and the tall beings.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard peace, I heard my revelations, and I heard calm.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes It didn't seem unfamiliar or like I'd never experienced it or seen it before. The light was like a white fog, but it was vibrating and alive with the best energy ever!
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm No other place is like being out-of-body, except for dreaming.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt Love, peace, familiarity, and respect.
I remember telling my close friends that it feels like the best orgasm, but a million times better. It was unimaginable!
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt no longer in conflict with nature
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe It was as if what I told myself about love was true and I had gone home, familiar and loved.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Unknown
What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Other Christian I was raised in a Christian Science family and attended church. I myself did not take to the readings and religion but the environment I was raised in due to my religion created a freedom to experience God differently, without hell or weekly regrets. But only until the accident and my NDE did I understand and focus on my spirit and life outside the body.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I made them my own, not anyone else's.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Religious unaffiliated I have never wanted or needed a religion to understand God or who I am. I love to read about spiritual material but it tends to be alternative. All of my life tends to be alternative since NED and truthfully even before the NED.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience Christian Science teaches that god is love but until you feel it you can't know what it truly means
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I started to move forward in life. To be me and follow that voice that says, ‘try this, walk this way, don't go there, but go here, instead.’
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin A number of tall, bearded males without faces in white robes, not made of cotton but made of that mystic white light. We had a discussion/understanding about past events and we agreed I would have an accident and I would go back.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes yes I experience that we are everyone but noone
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes god is love but I always understood that, I never saw god as a being nor was I ever taught that
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes yes I have a purpose for life and my body and I needed to use it
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife definitely exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Uncertain it was just a knowing that this was life. I understood our bodies are not our life that they were only matter.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? Unknown
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Uncertain looking back I don't remember what they showed or inferred I was doing wrong but more so I had to change with the NED
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes everything is love inside and out, and love is a feeling of unconditional acceptance of everything
Were you compassionate after your experience? Unknown
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life At twenty-two, I was just opening up to Spirit in my way. Now and after, it just opened more doors to learn about spirit while in a body.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Yes I have few relationships, and I bond tightly with the people I love.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It's as if it happened yesterday, but words don't come easily to me. I'm ‘dyslexic,’ and I think it's a way to use words differently, creatively, unlike normal communication. It feels like speaking from ‘outside the box.’
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience It's 20 years later and it's like it was yesterday but I couldn't remember the clothes i was wearing or the drink I was drinking. My NDE will never leave me.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I’m very clairvoyant to a fault. My hands heat up when I touch people, and I can see what others are hiding.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? It was all meaningful. I experienced truth and real love. What I do with it is the trick. Well, it's what others do with me is my trick to figure out. It's made me confused about people and I don't like them much sometimes, but I do like them in general.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Only in a limited, sparingly way.
I felt like I was a ‘new-age goof.’ But funny enough, I was and am proud of it. But I didn't like the feeling that people who don't believe it think of me as just circus clown.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I knew it was real, but it took time to collect the memories. The ‘no time and space’ had me confused for a while.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I know it was real, and I can't ask anyone else to believe what I experienced. It wasn't their experience.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No