My mom kicked my dad out of the house when I was three years old. They had four children. I saw him once when I was sixteen, but do not remember the experience because it was too stressful and traumatic. Two years after my dad left, my mother had a child from another man and raised the five of us on welfare without him. She was abusive physically, emotionally, and sexually towards us. There was strife between our mother and all of our relatives. Many people believed her to be mentally ill. I still believe she is. She spent most of the time away from home and the five of us were used to being on our own. We had a family membership at the YMCA. We were signed up for swimming lessons. The YMCA had two pools. The huge cold pool was for laps, general swim, and had a large shallow end. The second pool was coveted. It was all deep-end and warm. A person had to pass a swim test in order to enter that room and pool.
I had a full range of emotions by the age 12 and knew what happiness, love, hurt, and pain was. However, my knowledge of those emotions was skewed, due to the divorce, lies, and abuses. I have no memory of the day I drowned except for the pool event. My memory that day starts in the pool and ends putting on my shoes to go back home. The size of the warm room was probably 1400 square foot. I did not enjoy swimming unless it was in this specific room because I did not enjoy being cold, especially wet and cold. I did not swim well. However, I did swim well enough to be in this pool. I did not need a shallow end. I could swim from one side to the other, several times, with a pause in between each lap. There was a single door into the room. It was in the front corner. The teenage male volunteer lifeguard was sitting in his fold-out camp chair 20 feet from the door inside the room, center to the pool, in order to see the entire length of the pool. For the most part, he stayed in the room, though he went into the hall for a few seconds, now and then, and would stand in the doorway to talk to friends sometimes. He was a good kid. On this particular day, my favorite pool had adults swimming, maybe five. There were teenagers, around ten of them. There were probably fifteen kids of the age twelve and under. The pool was comfortably crowded. There was enough space to take a few running steps from the wall and jump into the pool without hitting anyone. We were doing just that, even though it was not allowed.
The room was echoing full-blast from the sounds. Kids were screaming, playfully yelling to each other, boogie boards were being argued over, kids jumped into the water, and people were constantly getting out of the pool. During the summer we would find ourselves at the pool regularly. This day was no different than any other. I was not extra hungry or full. I had no injuries. I was not emotional. I was a kid having an awesome summer day at the pool with her siblings. I remember having fun. My memory that day starts with me hanging onto the side of the pool and my older brother jumping into the pool near me with a newly obtained boogie board. When he surfaced, I yelled to him to let me have a turn on it. He laughed and started towards the other side of the pool informing me, he only just got the board, and had not had a turn yet himself. I set out after him. I caught him in the center of the pool. For some strange reason I was aware of the lifeguard having to use the men's restroom. He was not doing a full-on potty dance, yet was making the signs of a full bladder. I was hanging onto one end of the boogie board and my brother was hanging onto the other end. We were both smiling and getting geared up for conquest of the board. I knew, full well, that he had not had a turn on the board yet. I also knew full well that it was not my turn. I was not going to fight him for the board. I was just playing, teasing. I was focused on taking it from him, just for the fun of it. After a skirmish I managed to get the board under the water, gripped between my knees. My brother was treading next to me and we were wrestling. Boogie boards are meant to float and it wanted freedom. The board was difficult to keep under the water. My brother was hanging onto my arms and I was balancing with the board shoved underwater. I tilted just so, and the board shot up out of the water launching itself several feet away. We both lunged for it, slapping and pushing each other as we swam for it. We were both tired at that point. We were in the center of the pool having fun. He was trying to reach the board while keeping me back and I was trying to keep him from reaching the board more than actually trying to reach the board myself.
I saw the lifeguard looking intently at the pool, the people in the pool and out the door. I knew he wasn't looking at anyone in particular. He had to pee. When I glanced over at my brother our eyes met and he looked worried. So, I stopped. I saw him look at the board, the side of the pool and me: judging the distance between each item. He was much more exhausted than I realized and more so than I felt at that moment. He decided to reach for me. I knew that a drowning man was a dangerous man. I tried to swim for the board with the intent of bringing it to him, but, he needed me now. He grabbed on and kept his head above the water. I went under for a second and came back up above the water. He looked light headed and dizzy. His grip was strong. I was still trying to go get the board for him and he was not letting go. I tried to swim with him latched onto me but it was very difficult and he went under a few times for a second each. I looked into his eyes again and I saw panic. I held still. He pushed down on me to keep his head above the water and the lifeguard left the room. I went under. My brother went under with me. He started to kick irrationally and grabbed my head pushing me under even further in order to get his face out of the water. I relaxed. I knew it was important for me to breathe. I knew it was important for him to breathe. I knew he was stronger than I was. We were still in the center of the pool.
Underwater, I could see all the kids playing, laughing, running, jumping, and screaming. I kicked hard with my legs and came up above the water-line. The room was deafening with noise. Each person in the room made the same motions I was about to make. I was going to scream, wave my arms around, and call for help. I was tired. I had two seconds. I could continue with my plan and waste my energy or I could stay up for two seconds and take a huge breath. I took a huge breath and let my brother push me under again. He was no longer in control. He was in survival mode. I was face to face with a hard fact. Either I was going to drown or he was going to drown. I could see each and every one of my choices.
1. Let myself sink and swim away. Once I got away I could make my way to the edge of the pool and get help.
2. I could go for the boogie board, but I was fairly certain someone had seen it abandoned and already had it in full use.
3. I could use him like a boogie board and let him drown.
4. I could fight him and we could both drown.
5. I could waste my breath screaming and waving and we would both drown.
6. I could realize how much I loved him.
I chose the last one. I loved him and I did not want him to be scared. I knew that if I made any motion to leave him, he would lose it. I needed to stay calm and motionless. I needed to let him use me as a boogie board; it was the only way to subside his panic enough for him to keep his face above the water. So, I relaxed. There was no struggle in me. I directed my energy towards sending him tranquil and peaceful thoughts. I tried to convey to him with my body language that everything was going to be okay and that I was fine. When I felt him feel for me, I moved enough for him to know I was still alive. I knew the lifeguard would be back any instant. I just had to wait. I realized time was passing, but did not know how much time had passed.
I opened my eyes. I could see everyone in the room. I could hear what each person was saying. Then, I realized I could see the tops of their heads. I was above the pool looking down into the water. I could see who was in the next room. I could hear what each of them was saying. I could see the lifeguard coming back. He was half-way down the hall only twelve feet from the door. He was hurrying, a little anxious. I could see the colors and depth of everything in the room and the room itself, but those things didn't matter. Time and space didn't seem to be important.
Sound was important. I could hear everything. With the sound came feelings. I could feel what people were feeling. Only two people in the room were worried about me. One was telling someone who would not listen. The other was a little boy about five years old. When the lifeguard came into the room, the little boy went to him and pointed. Immediately the lifeguard was on it. I felt movement in and around my body. I started to debate with myself and my out-of-body experience became something else.
I was no longer a body floating above the pool. I became time and space. I could see the entire universe and it was not like when you watch the Nova channel. It was different because I was the universe. I was everything. Sound disappeared except I could hear my debate. My debate was not sound. My debate was made of time. I could enter my body; my body was a piece of time in space. Or, I could stay out of my body and be everywhere, part of everything, which would be a different type of time in space. I asked the question, 'Should I go back into my body?'
The answer was, 'No, you should wait. If you were to go back now, you would die.' I knew I was ignorant of the reasoning behind it.
'Wouldn't I die if I waited?'
'No, you're fine. Wait. If you want to go back, I will tell you when.'
Many people have said I was talking to G*d. I was not talking to G*d, nor an angel. I was talking to myself. I was the universe. I was G*d. I knew everything and nothing at the same time. I was everything. I felt movement in my body again and knew I was still not dead. I was on the cold hard floor now, except I was on the ceiling. This time my back was pressed up against the plaster. It was cold and hard. I looked around. I could not see myself in the water. Everyone was at one end of the room. A ring of people were standing around a spot. There was a tense, dense, thickness to everything: The air, the emotions, the sound, the time, the space, the bodies, the thoughts. I knew I was about to go back and I hesitated. Just for a moment I didn't want to, really didn't want to return. Before the drowning, I was a very tiny speck of thought, time, space, and sound. I had been a piece of material, a piece of matter, molded into a tight space with severe limits. I had been cut off from time and space. I had been stuck inside something. I had been stuck inside something that experienced sharpness, coldness, need, and the feeling of knowing I was wrong. I was forced to feel the wrong in my actions, feelings, physical sicknesses in the human body, and weakness in will.
During the drowning I was everything everywhere. The pieces of material and matter in the universe were not solid objects. I was the space between. I was everywhere at once. Objects didn't matter. Not one object was more important than another object. There was just time and space making up each object. There was time and space in between each of those objects choosing not to be an object in that moment. I knew that, when I went back, I would go back to being cut off. Those made me hesitate. It did not make me sad. It did not make me mad. I knew that once again, objects that were not me would exert their supposed superiority over me. I knew that cold would be separated from heat. I knew that hunger would be separated from the rain. I knew I would have a very long, cold, lonely, and painful life.
Anyone who has ever hesitated understands that hesitation only lasts a speck of a moment and is over before each of the reasons you hesitated, surface. I knew I wanted to come back. I was waiting respectfully, to be able to come back. I wanted to return to the phenomenon of running and jumping. I wanted to feel the warm breeze on my skin. I wanted to return to the perspective of being an object that could bump up against other objects that were not me. I wanted to exist as something that was apart from other things. I wanted to be something of my own. I wanted to be all by myself as an object separated from everything. That human body waiting for me was an experience to be had. It was an experiment I had only recently started and I wanted to finish that experiment. I was pulled back into my body as the water left my lungs. I did not consciously go towards my body. I was pulled. At that moment, my out-of-body body was pulled in the same fashion a human body is pulled when you tie a rope around your waist while you are wearing roller skates and someone on a bike pulls you.
I felt distinctly like a crumpled-up, wet drowned rat on its back. The water coming from my mouth and nose felt very wrong. The room was thickly warm but the floor was cold, but not a sharp cold, just a hard cold. It was not a snuggly warm feeling at all. Lots of people were staring at me. Everyone looked scared with the hint of a forthcoming sense-of-relief all the while exuding a shifty guilt. My vision was blurred. My eyes were foggy from the water and burned from the chlorine: which was odd because, when I was on the ceiling, my sight was perfect. I was dizzy and my body felt very, very heavy. Like lead. It was difficult getting up to stand. Someone helped me. I must have stayed a while in a room but I don't remember. I do remember struggling to get my clothes on later and it took forever to get on my socks and shoes. While tying my shoes I remember slipping out of my mind for a while and drifting back and forth, in and out. It was definitely not an out of body experience. It was a drifting and slipping, hazy experience.
I lived a normal life after that. As I grew and had heart-to-heart conversations with people and got to know people one-on-one, I could tell I was different from many people. I could tell the difference between those that were closed off and those who had been opened up. Some people understand the nature of things. Others don't. I am religious and spiritual. I don't need to go to church to talk to G*d. I talk to G*d every second of the day. I am not afraid to die. I look forward to it. Until then, I am living life and doing what I believe is right. I like to experience many things. I live responsibly and fully. I believe in all things in moderation. I drink a few times each year. I've tried pot a couple times and even took mushrooms three times. I am happy when I am happy. I am happy when I am sad. I am happy when I am sick. I am happy when I am sick and tired of life. I understand. I think I get it. I think I know why we are all here. I feel like I know the meaning of life.
Date NDE Occurred: 07-25-1985
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Accident. Drowning. CPR given. Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening I don't know which button to push because, if cpr had not been administered, I would have died. But the lifeguard did what he was supposed to. So, I got the water out of my lungs and was fine an hour later.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes But the facts have not been checked out.
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal When I am conscious every day, I am contained inside my own head. At most, I can get out into the air around me but only as far as my eyeballs can see. I am capable of collective consciousness with people having an experience together. But the only time I can become one with the universe like that, is on psychedelics.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Just before my back was against the ceiling.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time is now redefined for me. I know exactly what it is supposed to mean. I know what it meant before the experience. Time changed during the experience and never went back to normal. Time lost and still has no meaning to me. I am able to tick out and count down seconds. I am able to feel the crunch of time. It still drags on when I am bored. But, I understand the quote, 'G*d invented time so all things don't happen at once.'
Were your senses more vivid than usual? No
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My thoughts were not defined by speed. My thoughts were everywhere at once. Speed was not an option. My senses were not limited to the human body. Sound was not of the ear. It was of the soul. Vision was not of the eyeball. It was all-knowing, all-encompassing. Vision of the eyeballs is blurry or sharply focused. My vision was not limited like that. My emotions were a sense, whereas we do not recognize them this way in the human body on earth: At least not in America. Touch was a vibration versus our usual outer tactile feeling. Before my experience, vision was about the separation of color, space, contour, shade, distance, textures. During the experience my vision was about me being the makeup of all existence.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Sound was not of the ear. It was of the soul. I didn't process sound as separate pieces of information. There wasn't a person talking separate from others talking. I was everyone, I could feel their thoughts. I could feel their feelings. Sound was the vibration coming from all things. I felt sound. I didn't hear it. Sound was the life force energy emanating from and blending with all existence. Sound wasn't separate from vision and touch. They were all one. It included so much more than just 5 senses.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, but the facts have not been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm Limited options, I felt like I was the universe itself: Including earth.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? During the experience I felt all emotions. I felt mine, all the emotions exuded by the people in the room, all the emotions exuded by the people in the other room. I felt peace, love, wholeness, calmness, oneness, curiosity, interest, noted my own ignorance, (I felt okay with that, for the first time ever), I felt right.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I understand everything. It all became so clear during the experience. It was amazing.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes This is a yes/no answer. I knew if I let go (lost interest in the human body on the floor that belonged to me) I would be free. I had my back on the ceiling as a boundary to keep me near the body. My out-of-body body was a boundary in and of itself keeping me from dispersing.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will Curiosity. To be human is the chance: the chance of a lifetime. This is our experiment. This is our playground. This is the human experience/experiment. We get to try this out and get a whole new perspective in its gloriously perfected limits and boundaries. The ability to separate from the whole and feel all the unnatural, bad, pain, drivel, gross, that is alone and called ME. In the midst of all that, we still manage to have joy, love, unity, pleasure, and good: Such a strange and weird opportunity! I personally hate being human, but love being able to experience it. I get to have that perspective. I wanted to finish trying it out, again.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Not important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Religious unaffiliated Our mother was bouncing us around religious institutions looking for something she might click with.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other faiths- Unitarian and other liberal faiths I am Unitarian Universalist. I spend all my religious time in a synagogue because I like the Jewish religion.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I did not believe in G*d before that day. I did not believe in G*d that morning. I was a kid. I was self centered. I was selfish. I had no purpose. I had no goals. I had no intention. I did not think anything about the world around me. I woke up and played. I got in trouble. I laughed. I tuned out most of each day. Especially school. I thought the world revolved around me. I thought I was the center of the universe. I only thought about me. Having fun was the essence of waking up. I was a kid. During the experience I was G*d. G*d was me. I was everything. Afterwards, I felt something real inside of me. It was intense. It was love. I started to pray afterwards. I prayed for hours sometimes. I prayed everyday. And not in the "I will do this for you, if you do this form me" fake pray. I praised G*d. I saw. I saw what I was given. I understood how awesome it was. I prayed. I praised. I loved. I felt it. The world had meaning. I had meaning. Suddenly, I wanted to do something that would affect the world around me. I wanted to make the world a better place. I felt real. I knew I was a part of something big.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I suddenly valued other people’s lives. I saw the reason for other humans besides just doing chores around me so I could have food and housing. I believed I could change the world. I believed in myself. I knew suddenly that I mattered: that there was a reason for my existence. I suddenly knew it was not random and pointless. It was real and purposeful.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No Sound wasn't happening for me the way we traditionally understand it. There was 'a voice'. More correctly, there was knowledge outside of myself put inside of me reconnecting me to all things known. Maybe people use the template 'mystical being, presence, voice,' because we know it is the only set of words acceptable and understandable. It is the only description that will be understood. Or, I had a different experience.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I saw my existence before this lifetime. I saw what will be again when I die. It was before...much better, and will be much better again after. Life truly does suck. And then you die. Thank G*d. So gather up all the experience you can while your are here.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes Yes. There is a mystical universal connection and unity and oneness that definitely exists. I felt it. It was wonderful. It makes being stuck in this body and confined to this planet almost unbearable. But curiosity is strong. This human existence is different. Worse. But, still worth the experience. If you are not doing something that you want to fill your memory, then, you are doing it wrong. And even that is okay, you will just be leaving with shitty memories. That's all.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God probably does not exist
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes G*d exists. I was brought back into G*d. I became one during the experience. G*d is.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I was brought into the folds of heaven. Before the experience, I was narrow- minded, had tunnel-vision, and was limited in my awareness. During the experience, I was opened, made aware of all. I saw, how living life on earth as human, Was the secret we were being let in on. This existence is the secret. But the 100 years has to be lived in order for G*d to finish his sentence. Our life here is merely a sentence G*d is whispering into our ear.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes Our purpose here is to be separated from the oneness. We are here to feel pain. To feel the loneliness. To truly understand how difficult it is to be separated from G*d. In our struggles to love, live, and cherish we get to do something new that can't be done when there is only peace, light, and love. Here we have the light and dark. Both. When your goldfish dies, cry intensely. That is why you are here.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife probably does not exist
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes What we describe as a soul, it lives on, but not separated from other souls. It is Not like being human-without-the-body. The phrase is "going back to G*d". Yes, if G*d isn't sitting on a throne with a white beard. We are separated here. Life after death is returning back to that from which we have been separated from in order to live as a human in the body given to you for life here on this earth.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I slightly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes Earth is a place given to you. You really can do whatever you want. But you will be stuck with those memories. The reality you build is the reality you are living. Being separated into objects that can affect each other negatively is all part of the experience. If you are ignorantly hurting others. They actually feel the pain you are inflicting on them. Then, that is their experience. Learn along the way. The only reason people experience hell on earth is because we create that hell for each other and do it to each other. If you want to make the world a better place, you have to make it the better place. You, yourself have to personally make it better.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes Yes, life can only exist if there is death. Without death, there can be no life. So, we enter a contract with G*d. And the terms and conditions include difficulties, challenges and definite hardships. That is the experience we all signed up for. Take it head on. Love it all. The whole point is not to know. The loneliness is what G*d meant to show you. I cheated by almost dying. I only got 12 years of the intended isolation ride. Now, I am cheating by knowing we only have to be in this hell hole for 100 years. Then, we get to go back to serenity. This life and it's challenges was G*ds way of saying..."pssst, hey dude, you have just GOT to see this!!! Come check it out."
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Not compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Yes. Love is. Embrace love. Be love. Be loved. It feels so good because that is where we came from. That is where we are going when we die. The challenge is to make it happen here on earth in this human form. Good luck. Do your best. Be love. When we are all one in unity (without body) dispersed throughout the universe there will be no pain. But, there will be no bodies separated as individual objects to bump into each other, no tingly tongues to excite your groins. No, tiny babies to smell. No proud moment when your son brings home an A on his report card. This human experience is just that. A human experience. This is your time here. Love.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Moderately compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life. Large changes in my life.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I had barely started in life when it happened, but, yes. I started truly interacting with the world as if I could make a difference.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Well, I certainly think so. My husband doesn't think so. But, that belief might also just stem from the fact that I am a woman. Don't we all think we are psychic?
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I had the experience when I was 12 and shared it for the first time when I was 20. Those who are still closed just smile and nod. Those who have been opened totally get it. They are there and we can talk for hours about the meaning of life.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I was a kid. It happened. I knew I didn't imagine it, my imagination wasn't that cool.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I feel it every day. It embodies my soul. I am inhabited by G*d. He dwells in me.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Acid, pot, mushrooms, and ecstasy. Each drug brings about a different part of the experience. None replicate it. But, they do a good job of doing what they are meant to do. I did each drug once, between the ages of 21-24: one drug per year, once. I did that again from age 27-30. Again at age 35-37. So, I have done each one three times in my life. Except acid. I only did acid twice.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? One of the questions does not give an option for definitely leaving the body and becoming one with the universe, including my own body in that universe. When I was apart from my body I viewed all humans as an earthly experience. They were objects separated into material matter specifically meant to feel different than anything else known. The fact that they feared my death was an earthly event that occurred of which I was aware. The fact that they spoke from mouths in order to be able to be heard by one another was an earthly event that occurred of which I was aware. The fact that they could not see through walls, planets, or into the past and future was an earthly event that occurred of which I was aware. I clearly left my body and existed outside it. There are so many people on this planet wasting their lives. They feel nothing and have no purpose. It makes me sad. I feel sorry for them. My experience makes me sad that humans are meant to be so separated. I know it is a good experiment. But, it feels so cruel. Yet, I know that when I die, I will only have gotten 11 of my 100 lonely years of that feeling. Not an entire lifetime. I spent most of my human life feeling whole and one with G*d. I sometimes wonder if I will have enough in common with the star dust to feel I got my money’s worth here. Like I didn't really clean the house, I just sprayed Febreeze. It is the craziest ass feeling in the world to dually feel sorry for people and be jealous of them at the same time. I feel gypped and lucky in the same breath.