Currently, I am forty-two years of age. Since I was sixteen, I have had SVT's (supraventricular tachycardia). I have had probably a hundred episodes, which make me go to the hospital to be converted. The doctors rarely convert me with defibrillation; however, I have been previously defibrillated three times with no adverse effects, nothing like this. I have had three ablation procedures to solve my arrhythmia problem but nothing seems to work. Since I have been sixteen, I was put on a variety of beta-blockers to control the episodes.
Most times I know in advance that I am about to have an SVT and every episode I have been conscious, talking, joking, very light hearted. Never had they been associated with pain, fear, or a knowing that I am going to die. From the moment this attack started, it was different and I was unusually fearful almost immediately.
In the early morning of Sunday September 19, 2010 at 12:40am, my husband (Larry) and I were lying in bed and had just turned the lights out to go to sleep. I was lying on my back and had just put my head on my pillow when I felt suffocated. I gasped for air and found myself in an SVT without warning. Larry rushed me to the hospital (like he has done countless other times before) thinking it was just another episode. I knew from the way it started, the pain in my arm, dry mouth, burning chest, and pain in my neck this one was very different and I was a little fearful.
With previous episodes when we are on our way to the hospital I am talkative, bossy with his driving, just downright in control. However, this was the only time I couldn't seem to speak, I felt withdrawn, not in control, fearful, and in amazement all at the same time.
Once we got to the hospital I felt like I was going to pass out, I requested oxygen, and tried to warn the nurses to 'get something happening, this is not going to go well for me'. Because I have had so many of these episodes, many of the nurses knew of me, worked on me before and I recognized them. At first, they took the situation like it was just another episode but I kept telling them 'this is going to go real bad real fast, do something'. Once I started to throw up, I felt like I was losing control of my bowels. My blood pressure dropped to 56/27, I heard them calling a 'pre-code'. Once I heard this, I knew it was me they were talking about I felt much better not scared anymore because they got the message that I wasn't going to make it.
Things started happening real fast at this point. I told Larry that 'I think I am going to die, it's going to be okay'. I just wanted him to be prepared and not shocked. At this point, I am still Lorri and still in my body with my brain working and humanly knowing. I was not scared anymore, I felt resigned I gave complete control to the nurses and doctors who so many times before have converted me with no trouble. Although I was fully surrendered to the doctors, I had complete blind faith that I was about to die and was totally okay with it.
I, Lorri, don't remember much at this point. I have so much trouble explaining in words what happened because the experience is not of words but rather a 'knowing'. It's like trying to make an apple an orange?? The last thing I remember is throwing up and begging the doctors to let me poop, and they kept telling me to do it in my pants. I don't remember who was in the trauma room; I didn't see my husband anymore, just some Asian doctor saying 'You're in good hands.' My last conscious brain thought was, 'Yes I am going to good hands.' And that is the last thing my body remembers.
My dad (he passed away April 2008) and I were standing by an orange cap in the trauma room. But it's not like our brains think. I did not see his face but it was more like a 'knowing'. I didn't have the identity Lorri but I was the essence of who I am. We stood - 'stood' is a wrong word makes you think like we had feet, or we were a solid matter, but we didn't hover either. My dad and I 'just were' beside some orange cap which felt like it was up high and we could see (again not with our eyes, just 'know') that there were a lot of people in the trauma room and you could feel the tension, pressure, excitement, fear, animosity, frustration amongst all those people. It was not pleasant to feel so my dad and I left the trauma room. Before we left I could sense that a man in scrubs was having like a temper tantrum (the best I could describe it; once again 'hear' makes you think you are using your ears and you are not), the nurses around him gave off the energy that he was a whiner/complainer and they totally dismissed him.
My dad and I were somewhere dark, felt like downstairs in my house without the lights on. I could smell my dad's cigarette and his body odor. It was wonderful - peaceful, knowing, communicative, you didn't need a mouth, loving, gentle, fun, happy, and soft, these words are so lame compared to what it was. It was right, it was perfect, it was the way it should be - it just was.
His essence is proud of me, his essence is happy that I am with Larry, and that I have to go now I can't stay in essence. It feels when you are in essence there is nothing physical about it. So when I felt he was sending me back I refused to go, I wanted to stay so badly. I didn't care I had a husband who was probably sick with worry or my son who just moved away from home how this would make him feel, I just wanted to stay. I just knew that being in essence there is nothing physical so he couldn't make me, but he bumped me hard and I went through a white, white tunnel very fast.
The next thing I saw was my dad's face on top of Larry's. It was like a camera not knowing what to focus on Larry's face or my dad's face. My dad's face started to fade Larry's face became more pronounced. I thought I was still with my dad only Larry is here with us also. I was so happy until I said to Larry, 'See dad? Where did dad go?' Larry didn't say anything so I said, 'I saw dad,' to which Larry responded with tears in his eyes, 'How is he?' I got very upset because if Larry was with me he should know how he is. If Larry wasn't with us, where is dad? I didn't know where I was, which level am I on? How long was I there, why is Larry so upset? There must be something wrong, and I wanted so badly to go back to where I was. I was so disappointed to see my body but I could still feel essence like someone talking very loudly. My human eyes could see brighter and my sense of smell is better than a dog.
I thought if I found that orange cap, I could find dad. The orange cap turned out to be the bottom lid of a disposable container hanging on the wall but it wasn't as high up as I knew. It was definitely the cap but the view I saw was not relative to where it was hanging on the wall. I ponder this often and still can see the orange cap and the view.
Larry watched the whole thing from a different view. I went unconscious, my blood pressure dipped dangerously low. The doctors electronically defibrillated me. I quit breathing. They tried to revive me, and after a minute, I slowly began to stabilize. After I stabilized a bit more, I began to tell the nurses where I went. It was as if we were comparing notes to an accident that we had witnessed, one nurse was reading a book on near death experiences. I thought that was stupid because there is no such thing as death, it is only transition. Your body may die but your essence sure doesn't.
It has been a week since my experience and I am still recovering at home. Where the doctors did the sternum rub my chest was very sore, I had burn marks where the electronic shock happened, feels like they broke my nose and the base of my spine is very painful from pushing the mask so hard on my face to help me breath. Since this experience, I cannot stomach the smell or look of red meat. It makes me nauseated. I sense everything like the volume is cranked right up, I feel very much alone and in my own little world. I smell things that aren't even there. Yesterday was the first time I left my house without Larry. When I meet strangers when I went to the store it's as if I can feel their essences but when I do it leaves me so exhausted that I can only be out for short periods of time.
This has been very difficult for Larry; it has left him insecure about 'death' and me wanting to go back. I believe in the death of a body but the word 'death' is used improperly. It should be called transition. If the public had the concept of transition like they do 'death' we all would be much better off. When people talk about 'crossing over' I can get it now. I think there are different levels of transition, to which I don't know where I was I just know I wish I could go back there.
Date NDE Occurred: 'September 19, 2010'
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Heart attack S.V.T narrow complex Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
I knew instantly that something was very wrong. I knew it was going to be very bad. I my heart was only racing at 202 beats per minute but I knew it was going to be different this time. I tried to warn the doctors that I felt like I was going to die.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Frightening
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? My dad and I were somewhere dark, felt like downstairs in my house without the lights on. I could smell my dad's cigarette and his body odor. It was wonderful, peaceful, knowing, and communicative. You didn't need a mouth. It was loving, gentle, fun, happy, and soft. These words are so lame compared to what it was. It was right, it was perfect, it was the way it should be - it just was.
His essence is proud of me, his essence is happy that I am with Larry, and that I have to go now I can't stay in essence. It feels when you are in essence there is nothing physical about it.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
There is no such thing as time as we know it. It is more like a state it stands so still yet it speeds by so fast you can anticipate what is next.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I didn't see with my eyes as my body gave me. I knew with my inner vision. Today my vision is brighter after the experience but nowhere close to what I had. I am so sad to have lost that.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. You don't hear with your body's ears, there is no breathing. Imagine hearing darkness - can you hear light - well it's that type of hearing. Pitch, sound, tone is of the body not of the essence. That's the only way I can explain it.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes I went through a very bright swirling tunnel very, very fast when dad was sending me back.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes My dad (he passed away April 2008), see main narrative for details.
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes I only saw the light on my way back and it was so bright that you couldn't describe it as a light. It was brighter than the brightest light your mind could imagine.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I definetly felt the different level but I didn't hear harps or see a stream
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? See above and main narrative.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate None
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I still don't believe in organized religion, I don't believe in death or evil. I am very connected to rocks, birds, plants, people and my spirituality has increased.
What is your religion now? Moderate Highly spiritual still non organized
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I still don't believe in organized religion, I don't believe in death or evil. I am very connected to rocks, birds, plants, people and my spirituality has increased.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I didn't know my dad's body was dead, yet the communication was effortless and perfect. Dad is proud of me and happy I am with Larry, Dad is pleased.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I keep to myself a lot more, I only shared this experience with my two sisters; not even my mother or my son; I haven't gone out of the house, Larry and I are a lot closer and I just love everyone. I feel more calm, peaceful nothing seems to agitate me.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes No one around me understands and when I try to explain, it seems any human words I try to use can't seem to explain it. It's as if I know another language but can't seem to translate it properly.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I smell, hear and sense things loudly. I cannot eat smell or look at red meat (which I used to just love, love, love) I know things before my mind knows them which sometimes it makes me nervous and I don't believe. I am waiting for this to go away.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? I know that anyone who I loved and has previously transitioned is still with me. They are not in body but in essence, I know that I have what it takes to feel them but I have not yet figured out what some of the signals are. I just need time to figure out how to read these new signals that I never knew existed before. I feel more connected on the other level than I do here. I want to learn to exist here but live there.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes It has only been a week since this experience; I don't feel like I belong. I started to share stuff with my husband who is now starting to see things happen. Like when I know dad is around by his smell, then silly things like the channel will be pushed on the TV so we can see it. Now I tell Larry in advance so we can test out what some of this stuff means.
I haven't told anyone else for fear of being called crazy; I don't really know what it all means.
I feel heat from rocks and stones, I love the innocence of children they feel totally different.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I am still confused, I go over it in my head, I spend a lot of time alone. It has only been a week and I am still physically recovering from the episode not to mention my experience. Maybe down the road I will try to forget it or pretend that it didn't happen, but for now I don't know what to make of all this.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Still only a week old.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Yes, I still look like the same person but I am totally different. I don't know what changed in me but it is something big. I am fascinated with transition or 'death' why do some not come back? If I was being sent back you would think I would have at least been sent with a purpose? What is my purpose now in this level?
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Do you feel you have a new purpose in life?
What will you change about your life's situation now since the experience?
If you had the choice to do this over again would you do it?