I was lying in my bed. It was dark in my room, however not very late. I could hear my family watching TV in the living room, which was outside my bedroom door. I was not asleep, yet not completely awake, either. I was actually taking to myself inwardly. I was thinking about what actually happens when we die, and if what I believed to be true, was really, indeed, true. I have always been one to question everything in life. I have always been one to need to experience something to actually believe it. Faith—I was never good at faith. I always was in my head, thinking about everything. Even though throughout my entire life, I had always been intuitive and had seen things most people hadn't, from a very young age, I had always questioned it all. I've always sought validation for my feelings and emotions, and even when those feelings seemed to be greater than the sum of myself, I was always searching.
Suddenly I saw a pinpoint of light in the left hand corner of my room. I was so surprised, so amazed! ‘It wasn't there a second ago!’ I remember I said to myself. ‘What is that?!’ Then I felt a pull upwards, a release, and I knew my physical body had remained on the bed below me. As soon as I had acknowledged the light, I was in it. I can't even tell you in language, the colors that I saw. Reds, greens, purples and blues that I had never seen before. The colors themselves were alive. They were all around me, as if I were in a wormhole of sorts. I felt a tunnel-like presence around me, and the swirling of colors and lights was amazing. ‘Amazing’ doesn't even describe it, but there are no other words I can use. ‘Life-alerting’—yes that probably works here. It was just that. I was being pulled upwards and outwards all at the same time. I retained the ability to think, just as I usually did, and I was still talking to myself. I didn't see my hands or feet, I just felt like I was a being of pulsating energy, sliding around. The feeling would be similar to being on a water slide, but sliding up instead of sliding down.
Then I was pushed out of the end of this tunnel, and I found myself in a belt of what looked like stars both above me and below me. I wasn't exactly ‘immersed’ within the stars, because they weren't in close enough proximity for me to touch them. Yet there they were, everywhere, above and below me. I had to take a second. I tried to empty my mind of all thoughts. Just then, I was aware of a space in front of me. It was like a corridor of sorts. Before I finished my thought about what it might be, I was in it! Boom, I was just there! I saw a sparkling light at the end of the corridor. I deliberately didn't initiated the feeling of wanting to be there, at the end of the corridor, because, honestly, I wanted to stay right where I was. And I knew if I had that thought, then I would be there, and at the end of it, immediately. This—whatever it was (maybe not best described as a ‘corridor’) was luminous, all by itself. I was definitely within something. And I could tell that it was see-through (translucent,) as well. I guess the best way to describe it would be as a ‘hologram.’
And there, to my left on a screen, was my life. I could see it! Me! I saw and felt all of my choices in this lifetime. There was absolutely NO judgment attached to it. None. I wasn't judging my life, I was simply seeing it. To the right it was dark, dim. I ‘felt’ like the right side was reserved for when I actually did physically die. I would be privy to it then. It contained all the possibilities of all the angles of all the decisions I had made, played out in different realms. As if, let's say, I had decided not to get married when I did. What my life would have been—and it actually was played out, but not in a physical way. It was still acted out. It was all the ‘probables’ in life. I asked, in thought, or feeling, not with my voice, why I was here. A voice told me that it was because I had asked to be there. I knew this voice. It was comforting and familiar, and yet I knew it was God. How was that possible?
I immediately questioned the voice about its being female. I had always envisioned ‘God’ to be male. I had expected to be greeted in a male voice. I was shocked to hear/feel that I had chosen this voice, because… it was MINE! It was MY voice! I suddenly knew that I was part of the universe! I was not separate! I was not some being, cast into a world and separate from God—I was God, if you will. I was part of the universe, or whatever you want to call it. I knew right then and there, we are all a part of this life force. It was all-encompassing, all around me. I felt as if I were a balloon, being given air, expanding and then contracting. I was free, and yet I was connected to this voice. This voice was a layer—a layer of a billion other souls speaking. I can't describe it. I knew I was not alone there. I actually felt and saw a billion souls of light behind a hazy, almost curtain-like, substance in front of me. I was delirious with the feelings of love and hope. I could feel every other soul's compassion and love for me. It was the most overwhelming, most extraordinary thing.
I heard the thoughts of everyone, and yet it wasn't craziness, like voices in one's head—it was all thoughts, and it all made sense. I knew the images that I wasn't able to see on the right were also of all the lives I was living, all at the same time! This was completely foreign to me, as I had always believed in reincarnation and ‘past’ lives, not simultaneous lives. I didn't even know it was a possibility. I now knew it was. Why would we live lives all at once? Wasn't the purpose to evolve through each life and to live and learn and do better the next go-around? Evidently, not really. I got the distinct impression we were living lives to raise consciousness. By raising the vibration around us, we changed the earth; we changed the experience of life.
I felt so safe, so complete. It was apparent how fractured I had felt before. How separate I had felt. Even though I had always known we were connected as people, I didn't know we were all the SAME. We all have the same knowledge within us. I went forward to the end of the corridor towards the haziness and beautiful lights. I noticed an old boyfriend of mine—he was holding flowers of pink and white. He moved from the outside of the corridor towards me. I felt his love, and I was baffled as to why he was even there. I didn't know he had passed away some years earlier. I had no idea. I had often thought about him, and missed him, a teenage love I hadn't seen in years. I thanked him for being there. I turned to the right and saw my then father-in-law's mother. She had her arms extended towards me. I hadn't know her in ‘real’ life that well before she had passed away. She looked like she had when she passed. White hair, pretty smile. I asked her why did she still look so old? (There's me questioning again!) She then changed to a beautiful young girl. She told me her form was dependent on her own will. She could be anything and everything. I thanked her for being there, also, but asked why my own grandfather wasn't there. She stated he was very busy, but he was always there, always around me, as we are all part of the same energy source.
I was handed an orange crayon. Yes, a crayon. I was told I needed to let go of all my fears. I was instructed to write them in the air. I did. I started writing these exact words: ‘fear, lost loves, frustration, hate, unworthiness.’ All of my hurtful feelings towards others and myself. I was told to release them. As I wrote, the top of the list dissipated. Like a scroll of some kind. I felt incredible. I felt like I was perfect, like everything was as it should be. Every piece of the puzzle was in place. I was aware of things on the outlying edges of my own consciousness. Like, all I had to do was focus on them, as they were already there—I just allow them into my sight. Everything I could ever want, was available. I just had to let it in. See it. Kind of like when you lose something. You go back, look, and look in the same places. Suddenly, the tenth time you open the drawer, you see it there! It wasn't magically put there, it was there the entire time, you just didn't see it! Now, I saw it!! It was the law of manifestation right in front of me. How everything is there, I just have to let it come forward. If I got rid of all this fear, and all the feelings it created, I could effortlessly let it roll into my line of vision. It was already mine; I just needed to see it.
I wanted to go behind the veil. I thought of it, and half expected to be sucked into it, but I wasn't. I was told I couldn't enter that realm just yet, as I was needed back in my body and that what was behind the curtain is reserved for when my life expired on earth. I asked what it was like behind there. I was told, or more like, felt—it was all peace, love and understanding. I understood that thoughts create form. So I pictured myself in a huge glorious house. It was strange because, I actually felt my own ego. I had never felt my ego separate from myself. My ego wanted some big elaborate house, but not every other soul there needed some big huge house. They all created something for themselves that was healing, and I knew behind that curtain, healing and love, understanding, all without the presence of ego or judgment awaited. I knew I was the only one judging myself. I was even judging my house! Ego was not part of the afterlife. I could feel a pull in the middle of my being, and I knew my time left there was very limited. I didn't want to leave. I felt too complete and whole. I felt loved—loved!!! Real love, not the kind peppered with judgment and scrutiny. I was part of something—I wasn't different, I was the same. I asked—with my feelings—if I could please just get a fleeting glimpse of what it will be like when it is my time to die.
I suddenly, without warning, heard and felt the loudest party! I felt and saw my parents and friends and a million other beings clapping for me, welcoming me home. I saw the brightest light I had ever seen. It was like warm molasses and it filled every single speck of my being. The light was love, pure love. It was so spectacular, that I cry just writing this out. I was wanted. I was loved. I was needed. I felt like a place had been waiting for me, and it would be waiting for me when it really was my time. That warm sunshine, thick molasses yellow light, was alive with feelings, abundance and self-forgiveness. For a split second, I knew what it felt like to be free of all worldly attachments, and that understanding will forever stay with me. To know I am the creative force within my own life—that what I think and feel about others and myself affects my surroundings. I didn't have to think a certain way to be accepted. I just was. I stood in the magnificent light, and understood I carry that inside me, every day of my life. It hasn't abandoned me. It is a part of me. As soon as I realized that, I felt a jerk backwards—boom, no descent backwards with colors and beauty like there had been on my way there. I was just back where I had started, in my dark bedroom. I immediately began to cry.
Date NDE Occurred: 11/2000
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No, nothing out of the ordinary
How do you consider the content of your experience? Positive
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I was just light. I couldn't see my features, but I was aware of myself.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was completely alert—conscious to the point of asking questions. I was curious and felt like ‘this is my chance to know the truth.’ I have always had questions, like everyone else does. I have been able to get answers to those.
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
It felt as if there was no time. I sensed that I was alive in other places. As in alive in other bodies, all at the same time. No one said this, I felt it. The feelings had knowledge attached to them, or better yet, embedded in them—so if I felt it, I also ‘knew it.’
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard a humming noise, also. The humming noise, though, when I focused on it, seemed to be a million different voices, yet I was not confused by that.
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain Nothing negative. And it wasn't like I had thought ‘heaven’ should be or would be. It was more like a state of being, or a state of mind. Like, we create our own ‘heaven’ with our own thoughts.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes
The experience included: Light
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes A pinhole of white light on the ceiling in the left of my bed room. At the end of my experience, I saw and felt an all-encompassing yellow/gold light that was warm and thick. I don't know how else to describe it. Not light and airy, but hearty and thick—and it was LOVE.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm It was as if all senses were rolled up into one and I was super sensitive. I don't remember tasting or smelling anything, but emotionally speaking, I was on overdrive. It's still hard to formulate into words. I could see 360 degrees all around me. I was aware of everything in front of me, beside me, in back of me, and above, below me and yet also within myself.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, trust, compassion, exhilaration and excitement. I think I felt everything I could possibly feel—that was so wonderful!
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I knew time was not A-Z. I felt a suspension in time. I knew life events were in ‘probables.’ That nothing was set in stone. I knew that rigid beliefs were what actually keep us stuck within ourselves. I understood that we over-identify with our outer selves and under-identify with what's inside of ourselves. I knew the reason for life was to experience everything. That my soul wanted to be in a psychical state. I had always thought it was life that was hard, and why the hell would we even want to be here? I came to the understanding that life is what my soul clamors for. That to be in the psychical was something to be honored and thankful for. I felt myself releasing so many fears that were trapped inside me. I was changed by what I saw and felt. I no longer was fearful to be me—that person who was always odd and different because she had some weirdo gift that made her different. I sometimes still struggle with that, as I don't wear my ability on a sign around my neck. However, I am not ashamed of it, or me. Not anymore.
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I tried to cross the hazy veil. That... didn't work out.
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future Kind of yes and no. I knew I would be able to verify facts, or I wouldn't have been given them. I knew I would be helping people with their own understanding of life, even though I had actually fought that my entire life. I never wanted to be ‘weird’ or ‘different,’ I just wanted to be like everyone else. The more I pushed back against my ability to just ‘know’ certain things in life, about people, places, events, the future, the more it came alive within me. This is another example of that. How could something so significant happen to me, and be just for a self-serving purpose, such as, just to be for me. I don't believe that. So, with being intuitive, this isn't something I can just keep dormant inside myself. Bits and pieces of this knowledge flood in and out of myself, unspoken, every day. I don't think I always have to talk to someone in need, I can just almost breathe it out there. It's the weirdest thing, to let energy flow from yourself to someone else and exchange what is unseen. I know if I feel it, at some level, everyone can—that we are all, indeed, connected.
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Uncertain I wanted to go further forward, into the area before me that was hazy. I could feel a million souls communicating at once, communicating with me. I really wanted to be fully enveloped within the scene. I heard and felt the voice tell me gently that it was not my actual time to leave my life. I wasn't given a choice to stay, or, I am telling you, I would have. Even though I was not leaving an ailing body, I couldn't have cared less about going back.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will I was aware I was being pulled back. I also had a sense that I was about to return.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It is only hard to communicate because I can't seem to find the words in the English language to adequately describe and convey the overwhelming feelings I felt. The colors I saw were not anything I have ever seen with my human eyes. I find it almost odd to try and speak about it, because it was nothing I have ever experienced in my physical body on this earth. There is no way by using language to adequately describe what I felt and saw.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes My intuitive/psychic abilities have been heightened through my understanding of both the afterlife and how life here on earth actually works.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? That my physical mind started to immediately question what I had just encountered. I wanted to retain that feeling of overwhelming love and jubilation mixed with the ‘I just won the hundred- million dollar lottery!!’ excitement, all rolled into one big feeling. I still feel it, but it is in the confines of my body and mind. It seems so much more diminished when I put it into words. Words seem more like boundaries that prevent me from expressing my feelings more than they help me capture those feelings, if that make any sense.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I have on occasion shared my experience with people when asked what I believe happens when we die. I believe just talking about it with people, opens a new door for them. A way of thinking, new possibilities. I am an ordinary person, who happens to be intuitive. However, I am a human being like everyone else and I think this helps lend to the authenticity of what I say. After my experience, I felt so much more connected to everyone and everything around me—from the dining room table to the neighbor next door. It was a very strange feeling. I accept it as normal now and just accept it as such. We are all energy, connected at the source. Like a spider with ten million legs—I am one of those legs and so are you.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I often have synchronicity in meeting certain people. People who are hurting greatly in their daily lives. It is beyond chance. There is NO WAY these encounters ‘just happen.’ I don't necessarily speak to them about my experience per se, but my knowledge of what awaits us, how we are all connected and how the creative universe is actually a part of our inner selves always lends itself to help facilitate some kind of deeper thought and personal understanding in other people about their own lives.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I have had other amazing experiences in my lifetime—one actually dealing with the afterlife, where I was a bystander in another realm watching someone have their own near death experience after a car accident. I don't know why I was there, I just was. I observed it first-hand and I am unsure if they knew I was there, but I was. That experience has also altered the way I see life, and people, and the afterlife. Thinking about it, I still have trouble wrapping my mind around it, so to speak, as I was so privileged to have been there.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I can't think of any. Thank you for allowing me to share my experience.