In the last couple of years before Christmas 2006, I'd lost my husband, home, horses, dogs, and my car. The last two days before Christmas 2006, I lost my job.
I was fired about 10:00 am. I gathered my things from my desk, marched to my car and drove to the house where I'd rented a room. I swallowed many pills. After vomiting once or twice, I wrote a note and lay down to die.
After that, I remember two things. The first was my landlord and his son standing in the room. My landlord was trying to wake me up by yanking my arm out of its socket (why? I have no idea). The second was presumably at the emergency room where the doctor rubbed his knuckle on my sternum trying to get me to wake up and tell him what I'd taken. I promptly told him to F%#* off and went back under.
During the time, I was out, I remember being in a pitch-black void, with me glowing softly within it. I felt complete relief, love, warmth, security, acceptance and many other things that I can't really describe. I was able to surrender to this darkness without fear. Since I don't have family or children, I had a feeling that it was okay that I stay in that void forever; everything would have gone on without me just fine.
I woke up some time later; I have no idea how long. I was very angry at the doctor and other folks at being brought back. I even lashed out at the emergency room doctor who came to me and tried to shame me for 'probably frying my liver'. To this day, I'm still angry about being brought back.
During my stay at the mental ward, several nurses came to me when I was sitting by myself and asked me what I'd seen. When I told them about the void and how it felt, they seemed disappointed. Maybe they wanted to hear about a bright light?
Date NDE Occurred: 'December 24, 2006'
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was conscious and alert the entire time I was in the void.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
My experience in the void seemed to last a lifetime, and at the same time lasted only a second.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I have very, very bad eyes (almost legally blind) and I could see myself and my 'glow' very clearly.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. There was no noise to speak of.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I really don't know - I went from consciousness into the void. If I passed through any tunnel at all, I don't remember it.
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Like I've written above, I felt warmth, security, love, acceptance, etc.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I've gone from being certain that Christianity was the answer, to being much more accepting of all religions and ideals.
What is your religion now? Moderate 'Since this experience, I have come to the idea that Christianity is not the only answer.'
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I've gone from being certain that Christianity was the answer, to being much more accepting of all religions and ideals.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I tend to tell people the good things I think about them, (like their doing a good job, they look great today, stuff like that). I tend to be able to keep my mouth shut better when negative thoughts enter my head.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I was slightly empathic before. After the experience, I have become slightly empathic with people, especially animals. Thoughts get into my head about people, and then those thoughts come true, usually days or weeks later.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it with one close friend while I was in the hospital, but he didn't want to hear it. A second friend of mine let me tell the whole story, and lovingly accepted it.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I'd read about NDE's when I was in high school.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I wanted desperately to go back to the void. But for some reason I can't see myself committing suicide to get there. That's a no-no.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I currently view it as a rare gift. I am able to help those I come into contact with that death is not a horror but a natural part of life.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Actually, you guys are doing a great job! I visit your website often.