I was having difficulty breathing. There was a doctor to my left and two nurses with him. He was injecting my IV and asking me why I couldn't breathe. I was now lying flat on my back looking at the ceiling. I had an oxygen mask on my face and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe. Other nurses have now entered my room, one is to my left, and she takes off my oxygen mask and holds that thing on me with the big blue ball type thing. She is yelling at me to breathe saying, 'Don't do this,' as she says my name. I look up at the ceiling and suddenly I knew I was going and it was okay.
For a moment in time, everything seemed to freeze. My entire body just froze; maybe it was for a second. Then the most amazing, most incredible feeling, if you can call it that had come over me. I want to try to explain this feeling. There was no negativity at all. None. No longing. No missing anyone. It was pure. If there is pure love, I had touched it. I was still totally alive although my body was not. My spirit was as vibrant as it is right now, maybe more so. I could see that one nurse trying so hard to get me to breath. Then I heard the heart-alarm go off. I knew I wasn't alone. It had to have been only seconds and I felt something pull me back.
What made this experience so life altering is I felt so guilty afterwards because once I came back, I didn't want to be here. I didn't miss my children. I wanted to stay where I was. So I find myself to this day searching for this 'love' which I fear I will never find.
Date NDE Occurred: February 2000
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Surgery-related Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function) I had been bleeding internally and had a second surgery to stop it. I was recovering when I went into respiratory arrest, stopped breathing and then cardiac arrest.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal It would seem that things were more defined, clear.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I believe I was the entire time.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? This is the most difficult to put into words. There is no word to express it. Pure Love. No negative. Nothing dark whatsoever.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate I was a firm believer in Jesus Christ
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes
What is your religion now? Moderate I no longer believe in Jesus Christ but have a faith in God that no one can take from me.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes This too is difficult to explain, but you seem to return with a certain knowing. You can't pin point it to a certain question but when the question comes you will know the answer.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I am not in contact with anyone who does not believe me concerning this experience. That includes my best friend of twenty years.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain When I returned, during my recovery two 'spirits' stayed with me in my room until I was well. They were clearly there to do a job.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? This experience has totally changed my life. I am not the person I was before it happened. It is as if my spirit was renewed. The down side of it is that it has changed my views on Jesus, which I grew up believing, so that has been difficult.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I believe it frightens most people and they don't believe me. It is rather a lonely feeling.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. I was dying. The doctors knew it. The nurses knew it. I had this experience and two weeks later, I was healed. It was real. The nurses called it a miracle.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No