At this time in my life, I had recently lost my grandmother. She had raised me like her own. Losing her was a great, great loss. My own mother and father had rejected me. Also, I felt like a failure as a human being. (No friends) So lonely. I felt like a poisonous influence to my loved ones. (Better off dead.) It finally got to be too much, so I decided it was time...I totally cleaned out the medicine cabinet, containing, since me and my son were both epileptic, enough anti-epileptic medications to do the deed. I swallowed all the pills i could find. As the day went on, I felt like I was fading. I lost consciousness.
During my 'dream', I saw myself falling into a pit. It was like being crushed by rocks. I saw myself decay and rot, all the while, a low and guttural voice saying 'You're in' with the last part being obscured by other voices. At times, I looked up to see the bottom side of rocks and dirt with worms and beetles squirming in my vision and at times my flesh. My feeling at this time was of deepest despair, and palpable evil. I blacked out to awaken to the most beautiful singing I have ever heard. I heard this singing, and then I heard my family trying to resuscitate me. They finally got me on my feet to go the Emergency Room. I saw and heard angels and the bells of a church. That is what awakened me. My family could not see or hear them. This is the closest I came to death. I am still not sure of it all, but the feelings I had associated with this remain with me today. Some may say hallucinations, but it was real to me.
Date NDE Occurred: march 1999
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No Suicide attempt Life threatening event, but not clinical death
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? No I clearly left my body and existed outside it
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the 'darkness:'
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning It had no sense of time or place.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did your vision differ in any way from normal? Brilliant colors, hyper sense hearing, etc.
Did your hearing differ in any way from normal? Seemed to be hyper alert
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Darkness, and shrouded shapes in darkness, others such as myself in the same realm. Bright and golden beings bathed in iridescence.
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm the dark beings/souls the glowing spirits
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Despair, sorrow, remorse, hope, rescue.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist ]
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No
What is your religion now? Liberal open
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I seem to be able to sort of 'know' that a dire event (to me) is about to occur.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I have since become a solitary individual
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? It all frightened me, but not to the point of not trying suicide again. I did later. It was almost successful, and I am still very uncertain in my beliefs. I have since lost my son, whom I loved with all my being. On the night that he died, my grandmother came to me.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? No
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real. I have no words to explain the reality of that experience.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. I can't explain it in words that convey the reality of that experience.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No