Experience Description

I must have been recovering from the double pneumonia or perhaps was still ill; I know this because my mother was obviously watching me quite closely or she wouldn't have been alarmed when she looked at me sleeping that morning. I remember it was daylight. I clearly remember the event and I remember my mother forcibly waking me; she and I discussed this in my older adulthood. She woke me because she thought I was 'dying.' I told her 'Leave me alone, I want to be with the lady.' I remember saying those words but don't remember anything after that.

I was in a 'brown' place; like velvet, soft brown, comforting, safe. A female being was to my right in a haze of gold, as if lit from within. I was raised a Roman Catholic and had a great love for the Blessed Mother (I called her 'Blessed Mommy') so this being appeared female and spoke in a female voice. She told me not to be afraid. She then told me about my life, that it would be quite difficult and that God would not leave me. She gave me details, but I only now have come to remember one, other than the number (23), she gave me. She told me I would have a 'broken heart.' As a child, I considered this to mean there was something wrong with my heart and for many, many years, I saw cardiologists often. (I have PVCs, premature ventricular contractions that are benign but I was convinced, until my late 30s, that my heart would just stop and I would not get to live through the experiences I was supposed to have) She gave me the number '23'. My mother woke me, interrupting the rapture I was experiencing. No matter how much I try, I can't 'get' to the entire message.

At first, I thought 23 was my lucky number. Over the course of my lifetime, it became apparent to me that on the 23rd day of various months over the years, life-changing experiences occurred: all of them brought me toward what I was intended to do (or, at least to this point, intended to do), so even though some were quite painful or frightening, it was a progression. I never forgot this 'vision' (it was NOT a dream) and it kept me going, with faith that God would be there for me, through very difficult childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. I can still 'see' the brown velvet and the glow from the being that was with me if I close my eyes and concentrate. I can especially 'see' it if I pray the Rosary.

At age 39, I became pregnant on July 23, 1986. It was the one time I did not use contraception. I had a baby girl; born against all odds since (unknown to me) I had one working ovary, endometriosis and a tilted uterus. I was instructed to have an amniocentesis but I refused it. When the doctor asked me why (and made me sign a form absolving him of any legal exposure), I told him 'I'll take whatever God gives me.' I've never forgotten those words; I meant them then, and I mean them now. From very, very early pregnancy, I knew there was something 'wrong' with my baby. I wanted a girl very badly but was convinced it was a boy. Ultrasound at 28 weeks said it was a girl. I think my child was intended to be male (she said from early childhood she should have been a boy). I wonder now if it is possible for a woman to determine the sex of her baby (other species do it: i.e., birds.) My daughter was born under traumatic circumstances because of which I could have died.

Long story short, after 24/7 careful, loving and dedicated mothering, my daughter began to fail socially. She was extremely intelligent, quite beautiful as a young child, very gifted. She believed she was 'not from this Earth' and told me many times (from an early age) that she had never lived a lifetime on this Earth although I had lived many. Throughout her childhood and as she progressed into her teen years, I had hundreds of psychic communications regarding her: from her and from (source unknown, I say God). I have also had literally hundreds of experiences of extremely otherworldly origins. I know this sounds like the ravings of a psychotic but I am mentally sound. I have literally been touched by God by other people, other living things, and perhaps spiritual beings in 'human' form.

My daughter's illness began to really emerge when she became 16-17. As a child, I 'knew' things that are only now being scientifically observed: that everything is connected; that everything is 'alive' and capable of 'consciousness' and that everything is connected. I now absolutely KNOW this. As my daughter's illness progressed, I 'knew' to check her email (hacked into it). Four times, I stopped serious plans for suicide and she was hospitalized. When she turned 23, I understood the number. I told her father we were going to lose her. I did everything, absolutely everything, to keep this from happening but I began to break down. When I am psychic and my emotional stability is compromised, I lose the 'connection.' When I am living with someone I love more than life and that person is suffering from advancing psychosis, my stability is severely diminished. Seven months ago my sweet, innocent (never drank, no drugs, no smoking, never been out on a date), very sick (but on anti-psychotics) daughter, who had been diagnosed schizo-affective/bipolar (the worst spectrum of schizophrenia) told me she wanted to go out to replace her electric blanket. The only thing that explains my total LACK of what would have been my normal reaction was that this was intended. It was her day to go home. I gave her my cell phone in case her car broke down. She called me twice, the last time at 4:23PM on the 2nd day of March, at age 23. She then climbed into the back seat of her Jeep and shot herself with a shotgun she had just purchased with my credit card.

I believe the number 23 was given to me so I would be prepared and so I could recognize the synchronicity of the numbers involved, in order to protect me from doing something foolish to myself because my life's purpose is not yet over.

I had another 'vision' about 2 months after her death. In the only vision I've ever had, I was in a 'white' place: not clouds, not white like fog or paint, 'white' and peaceful. I could hear her speaking to others and a voice told me, 'You will be here, but not yet. I require something of you,' and when I woke up a woman said my name into my left ear. I was fully awake, I was wearing earplugs (I sleep with earplugs) but I heard that voice, loud and clear, as if the woman was sitting next to me in bed.

I now bring the Eucharist to the hospital. I have a knowledge about these people; I am able to say what they need to hear. This does not come from me. I believe this is my remaining purpose.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: unsure, approximately the year 1952-1953

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Illness Unsure, I was quite ill, don't know if this happened during this life threatening illness or during recovery from it Life threatening event, but not clinical death Unsure, I was quite ill, don't know if this happened during this life threatening illness or during recovery from it I had double pneumonia and possibly pericarditis since the electrical conduction in my heart, although it is benign for me, is not normal. I was too sick to be taken to the hospital (at that time) and was considered at risk of death.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal I was not in a body; I was a pure being; the being I was with was absolute purity and love; I did not want to leave her, I wanted to stay WITH her and would have freely chosen this if my mother had not forcibly awakened me.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the 'vision' or 'dream' itself.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual 'She' told me a great many things and it must have been a very short period of time but it felt like forever.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Impossible to explain: this was not 'earthly' of this Earth. This was like nothing I had ever experienced in this life, in my body. The 'glow' from her was not bright but brighter than bright yet not 'squinting' bright and it was 'warm' but not physically 'warm.' The whole 'place' was like another worldly 'glove' of soft brown and her glow.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It wasn't 'hearing' per se, it was more like 'knowing' or 'receiving' but the woman did have a 'voice'; very hard to explain.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

The experience included: Unearthly light

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes 'She' was IN an unearthly light or somehow radiated it.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm As said earlier, this was a purely spiritual encounter in a place that does not exist on Earth.

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Joy, rapture, enormous love and safety, acceptance, comfort

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control

The experience included: Awareness of the future

Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future From personal future and I think something about the world too; not sure.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Greatly important to me

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Catholic

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Uncertain I was five at the time. Since then I've done enormous amounts of study regarding religions, spirituality, the 'paranormal', philosophy, etc. I am, however, as certain of God as I was at age five, I think even more so since He's proven Himself to me many, many times.

What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me

What is your religion now? Christian- Catholic I am a revert to Roman Catholicism but do not accept many teachings as I have experienced in my lifetime things that I know to be true and that contradict them

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I was a very young child. My "beliefs" were pretty much what I was being taught. I never told my mother about the "lady", what she said to me, until decades later. This experience wasn't about my beliefs, it was about this lifetime, this specific lifetime, and what was expected of me.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain I was FIVE and I had great faith in God. My faith has never wavered except for ONCE and that's a whole OTHER story. I have absolutely no doubt that this world we can 'see, touch, hear, smell' is somehow an illusion and that there is another dimension of existence that occurs alongside our life experience which can, and DOES, affect us (most people being totally unaware of this for some reason.) I took that 'vision' for granted, it didn't surprise me, and it was something that was normal.

The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I thought the woman in my vision was the Blessed Mother.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes I thought she was the Blessed Mother. I still do.

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Uncertain Much of which "she" told me I don't remember. The number 23 was the first and strongest memory; the "broken heart" was the next memory (and that was only recent). I don't remember what else "she" told me but I know there WERE other things.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I took it as real and EXPECTED almost that I should receive this heavenly visit, and I still do. I already KNEW that everything is connected (don't ask me how). I was extremely careful even of insects, not to harm them. I felt comforted by her informati

Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes "She" told me God would never leave me alone during this difficult journey. I already KNEW that God existed. He was very real to me from very early childhood. Her appearance in this "vision" or whatever it was did not surprise me, I wanted to remain with her, I did not want to regain consciousness.

Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I knew there was a special purpose but this knowledge came to me gradually so I guess that IS another part of the experience I DO remember: a definite purpose in this lifetime after which I would know I had accomplished it, and I do.

Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Unknown

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I was told my purpose, I just don't remember what was said. As I grew older (teens and 20s) I KNEW this lifetime had a real, specific, important purpose and that I would know once I had accomplished it. I think the unconditional love and care I gave my

Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? Unknown

Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes This "woman" was not a dream, she was really there and I was not in my "body" but there with her somehow. I was told about my future life and also I THINK something about the world. I was told God would never leave me. I already, even at that age, knew

Did you fear death prior to your experience? I did not fear death

Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death

Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Moderately fearful in living my earthly life

Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life

Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Unknown

Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain I'm trying to be totally honest and I think I've answered the questions with all the information available to me right now.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes As I said, I was warned about my future and I have not had an easy life. I was told what the purpose was (I just can't remember!) and told that God would not leave me alone to deal with it, that He would always be with me and that has been true.

Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Uncertain Since unconditional LOVE was the essence of this "being" I think I understood that unconditional LOVE was something I would need to learn and USE in this lifetime, and I have.

Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I have spent my entire lifetime being quite careful about how I speak to others because words are THINGS. I never insult, I never belittle, and I am and always have been excruciatingly aware of the feelings of others: hypersensitive to them. I have always tried to help the 'underdog' and have helped many people because it's the THING TO DO, it's not an option. I was this way BEFORE the vision but being so YOUNG at the time it's hard to say if I became more sensitive because of it.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes At the time, impossible. But I remember it clearly.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I actually have memories of being younger than one year of age, standing in my crib and trying to speak "italian" like my grandmother (I remember babbling on and waving my hand around like she was doing) and I have other memories of very early childhood but THIS one is different, it wasn't "of this world" and had I been given the choice I would have stayed in that experience.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I think I was psychic BEFORE the experience. I could communicate easily with adults but remember I was only FIVE. I am DEFINITELY psychic now and think I have been my entire life. I sometimes know things before they happen or know what a person will do or say days, even weeks, before they do and say them. DΘjα vu is common for me, I take it for granted. I have premonitions, etc. and did as a child. Once very soon after this vision I got lost in my father's home town in Pennsylvania and 'someone' told me how to find my way back to the house. I don't hear VOICES; I 'hear' voices, hard to explain. I'm not psychotic; I'm just different. So I've been 'psychic' my entire life. I used to do readings for people and got their actual names and particulars about their lives; once, I contacted the brother of a person I was reading who had died in the Vietnam War. I saw him and his buddies, in their fatigues, and they were laughing; one of them said 'Tell him not to worry about the watch.' The person I was reading then said they were never able to find his brother's watch when he was killed. During this experience, my deceased Aunt Di, who was more of a mother to me than my mother was, STOPPED me. I understood I was not intended to contact those who had crossed over. My abilities were intended for something else. Something I'm doing now and something I've done for the past 25 years.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Without that vision I might not have survived spiritually intact, which is of the most importance to me: my spiritual integrity. I came into the World with it, it is something that I earned somehow or was given, and I expect to leave the World having improved it. That vision told me HOW to do that.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I can remember telling my mother about it when I was in my late 40s. The only other person I DEFINITELY remember telling it to was a Jesuit psychiatrist I met during the spiritual 'crisis' I alluded to earlier. Since then I have shared it with a few people. One in particular is my psychotherapist who says knowing me has changed his life! Another most recently is a woman who asked me if I ever talked about this 'with a priest.' I don't really care what anyone thinks to tell you the truth.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It was as real, or more real, than other things in my daily life and I was a very young child. I've never doubted the reality of it, not once.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real The 'broken heart' I just remembered recently actually upset me because I suddenly realized why I'd spent so many years worrying my heart was going to just stop and I wasn't going to get to live to DO what I was SUPPOSED TO DO. The number '23' is the clincher, though.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes My last vision, the one spoken of before, where I was told 'you will be here but not yet, I require something of you,' and then heard my name spoken into my left ear. THAT was absolutely similar and it was NOT a dream, nothing like those two events has happened to me.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I don't tell people my many 'stories' of encounters with God and his creatures because I don't think most people deserve to hear them, they won't receive them well, they'll perhaps think I'm unbalanced or have some sort of underlying psychosis. I've told many of my stories to a small number of people. I decided to share this with you because I have NO idea what it's all about but I do still have a feeling of 'expectation': there's something coming, I don't know what it is, but it's definitely there, not far into the future. My best guess (because I can't remember the whole of what was said to me yet) is that I (and everyone else) am here to learn AND to teach but mostly to GIVE. I'm working at trying to get to the whole 'message'; I feel it important for me to know it but it doesn't appear to be in my control. I guess if I am intended to remember it, I will. Also, I was told God would never leave me.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I can't think of any.