Experience Description

I was 25, extremely pregnant, and a c'sarean for my second child was planned. I went in for surgery, my first child had been born through a c'sarean, so I knew what to expect. I had no fear, was not nervous. After the epidural, everything would be over quick. So it went, I got an epidural, and surgery started shortly afterwards.

Unexpectedly, my situation worsened very fast. My blood pressure fell enormously. Suddenly, I felt very calm, an almost perfect peace. But I had not seen my child yet. The doctors pulled me through, up to two times. But I knew that I was going to die. Don’t ask how, I just had this certainty. Finally my daughter was born. They brought her to me. A beautiful baby, a wonderful daughter that I had put into the world. And that’s what I thought, It was the only thing that counted, I had seen my daughter and it was ok. Now I could go.

Even today, I still feel guilty about that thought. How could I let her down to fend for herself? But nothing stopped me. Then, for the third time I felt myself dying, and this time I did not fight. I heard the doctors yelling, they had discovered a tumor on my stomach and liver. It didn’t interest me anymore: ‘I had seen my daughter and it was ok’. Then I felt a peace as I had never felt before. Perfect pure delightful serenity. Peace. Happiness.

Words cannot describe that feeling. I am convinced that nobody during his earthly life can be so peaceful and happy as I felt then. Not even on the most wonderful day of a lifetime. This quietude and bliss are incomparable.

I saw no tunnel, no light at the end of the tunnel. I saw an all-encompassing golden glow. For a moment, not long. Then I entered the most beautiful landscape that I could imagine. A bright green pasture, full with red glowing tulips. I was very aware that I was dead. This was not a dream and I knew that. I looked next to me and I saw a blond and beautiful woman in a blue dress.

Twelve years before I had seen her also, she walked one night right over me and my ex-husband. He was mad with fear, I was very calm. We both woke up and saw this ‘spirit’ or ‘guide’ walk over us. Until that day of the birth of my daughter I have never seen her again.

After what seemed hours to me I ‘woke up’ back in my body. Like that, suddenly. I had not seen myself lying there. Doctors rushed in, I was very angry. Mad at them, that they had brought me back, I didn't want to come back. I wanted to be there, with peace and happiness. Not here, on earth. I shouted, yelled, cried …Later they told me that was a normal reaction from somebody that had been ‘dead’.

They had told my ex-husband that I had died. I think therefore that I have been brought back by something else, not by the doctors. They had already given up on me. About ten minutes after they had declared me dead I was back.

I couldn't handle it. Was very happy with my daughter, but had such a desire to go back to the green field. Days, weeks, months I felt I missed something. I wanted to go back. The worst is, which often gives me a feeling of guilt: till today I think how beautiful it was. A lot has happened in those eight years, bad and also good things. I want to go back, but know that the people I would leave behind would have too much sorrow. The yearning has lessened, but I still think about it. Often. I walked there like here in the earthly life. I saw my hands and feet, but not myself as if I was walking. The strange thing was that every movement of my arms left a kind of ‘after-image’. A slow motion that was not a slow motion. Very strange. At that time even funny and very interesting. Everything I saw was very beautiful, even the after-images of my hands. Quite strange.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: July 1996

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No Surgery-related. Childbirth Clinical death

The experience included: Out of body experience

Did you feel separated from your body? Uncertain

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I was conscious of what was happening. Clearly aware that I was dead.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Yes a woman, we didn’t talk, not with words at least. But she stayed with me.

The experience included: Light

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes A second of an all-encompassing golden glow.

The experience included: A landscape or city

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm A beautiful green field with warm red tulips.

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Anger and sorrow that I was back.

Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist

What is your religion now? Moderate

The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Disbelief, and also mixed feelings of what was happening to me.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Things that I know about people without talking to them, these hunches about what is going to happen in the near future, the deep knowledge about humans that I always experience are too frequent to be coincidental.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Everything was beautiful.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes Only with a few people. One of them also had experienced this during surgery and also longed for this peace and calm, which is so in describable beautiful. For the rest, rather skeptical reactions. That’s why I kept it to myself.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I try to leave my body, and on rare occasions I succeed. There I can re-experience part of this calm.