Gerry L Probable NDE

Experience Description

As a sort of back story leading up to my Near Death Experience, at that time in my life -- January 1983-- I was what I called myself 'The Drug Dealer to the Stars.' I had lots of clientele that I sold cocaine to in the Hollywood movie industry as well as musicians, artists, restaurant owners, etc. I thought I was a really cool and indispensable guy who was loved and respected by all. I had a source for pure cocaine that was smuggled in from Peru and everyone loved the stuff I was selling. Life was good. Then suddenly after five years of a smooth operation, the guy who was smuggling in the cocaine flew down to Peru and didn't come back as planned. Now there was almost a panic situation with my clientele. They depended on the continuous uninterrupted supply of my cocaine to maintain their intense work routines and lifestyles. I was under pressure to find another source for cocaine or lose all my clients.

I contacted a female friend of mine whom knew a guy who sold cocaine to lots of famous rock bands and arranged for a meeting with the guy. I drove to his place in the hills behind Malibu Beach and we talked and I agreed to purchase 1/4 pound of his cocaine as a sample to see if my clients would like it. I snorted some lines of the product at his house and I immediately realized it wasn't even remotely of the same quality as my usual stuff. However, I felt like I had to have something to offer my clientele -- at least until my smuggler guy would get back in touch and I would know some sort of game plan for the future. Unfortunately for me, this was like the beginning -- like ground zero -- of me going on a marathon drug binge of epic proportions. Only later would I find out that the stuff that I purchased was fake cocaine -- it was Proparacaine (a synthetic numbing agent) mixed with methamphetamine.

The stuff just made me go crazy. I was snorting line after line then drinking fifth after fifth of hard liquor and nothing could stop me or knock me out to get me off the fake drug. I started taking literally hands full of sedative pills chased down with hard liquor to knock me out but even that did not knock me out. I just kept snorting and snorting the stuff -- getting crazier and crazier. It was like I trying to kill myself but I just wouldn't die. Then after about four days of non-stop no sleep craziness an artist friend of mine stopped by and wanted me to purchase him an ounce of China White heroin that he knew I could get from a source I had.

I knew some Hare Krishna guys who smuggled heroin from Thailand and it was a perfect deal because no one expected obnoxious Hare Krishna guys to be smuggling drugs. I had never used the stuff or purchased any but I knew them from 'back in the day' in Laguna Beach when they were surfer dudes before they became Hare Krishnas. I phoned the guy I knew and he had some stuff available so I set up a rendezvous that evening on top of Mt. Soledad in LaJolla California. Mount Soledad over looks LaJolla and there is an approximately 27 foot tall Christian cross as the pinnacle of the peak.

In the evening I drove down to LaJolla from Laguna Beach on the San Diego Freeway and I was so high and crazy and I was snorting the drug as I was driving that I kept drifting side to side in the fast lane and smashing into the guardrail. I remember sparks flying up each time I hit the guardrail. Finally, I arrived in LaJolla and I drove up the steep road to the top of Mount Soledad. There was only one car parked in the lot below the tall white cross (that was lit up by spotlights) so I knew that had to be the Hare Krishna guy. I parked my car and walked over to his car and he motioned for me to get in on the passenger side. He handed me a baggy of white powder and I gave him $2000.00 and I exited the car and he drove away. I got into my car and I decided that I would try just a tiny little snort of the white powder. I put the corner of a matchbook cover into the baggy and I snorted just the tiniest little bit. Later on I would learn that the 'China White' was really 'Fentanyl' which is a synthetic painkiller that is one hundred times more potent than the same dose of heroin. This is what China White heroin was and why it was so potent and popular. But I wasn't a junky and I didn't have the tolerance for such a potent drug. Right away I knew I was in trouble. Right there under the Cross of Jesus I had overdosed.

I started the car up and drove out of the parking lot with the tall white cross lit up symbolically in my rear view mirror. It was raining and the rain drops started smooooshing against the windshield like jello. The windshield wipers started flap-flap-flapping like limp celery stalks -- everything was sloooooo-wing down. Suddenly, I saw someone hitch-hiking over on the side of the road. I pulled over and pushed open the passenger door and I said 'Please help me. I have overdosed. I am dying!' Instead of helping me, the stranger jumped into the car and started immediately punching me in the face. Smash. Smash. Smash. Left, right, left, right....I blacked out. Ok, so the next think I know is that I am in this place I now call the 'space station' but I didn't think of it as that when I became aware of being there. It was like a beautiful hyper-real park or nature place with vivid flowering plants and gorgeous trees (kind of like a Georges Seurat or Monet painting). There was an immense park-like area of short grass and I immediately became aware that there were lots of people there that I knew or didn't know. There were family and friends from all stages of my life. My sisters were there. My mother was there and she was very young and beautiful and I realized how I had only always seen her as a 'mother' and not an individual person who had a life other than being my mother. There were friends from all stages of my life and they were all the same age (around twenty years old or so) and everyone looked healthy and beautiful. We all immediately were the best of friends again with youth and innocence in our faces and voices. We trusted each other and we were so easy and familiar with each other -- it felt like Heaven. It felt like we were going to be there like forever. Like we'd always been there and would always be there.

Then I noticed over to one side that there were infinitely tall windows that were so clear that it didn't seem like there was any kind of 'glass' as a shield. I walked over to the windows and I could see the entire solar system revolving and spinning outside in the three dimensional distance. I could see comets shooting through space. And I could see other galaxies upon other galaxies into infinity. I realized that this was some kind of 1/2 way station between earth and eternity. Then over on the other side of the 'park' I saw a kind of off-white wall that stretched along the entire unknowable length of the park. I walked over to the wall. I noticed that there was a door in the wall that was ever so slightly opened -- slightly ajar. I grabbed the edge of the door with my finger-tips and I pulled it open.

Now immediately, I realized I was in sort of a courtroom. It looked like something from a Salem Witch Trial. And behind me seated and standing were my family and all my friends from all stages of my life. Seated next to me at a table was a 'being' whom I knew to be my Guardian Angel but who I intuitively knew was also acting as a defense attorney. Seated at a table next to us was a 'being' whom I knew to be some kind of Prosecuting Angel or prosecuting attorney. Seated in front of both tables were three beings who looked just like strict, unforgiving Puritan Elders all dressed in black with white collars and black hats -- I thought of Cotton Mather when I looked at them. I knew that they were the 'judges.' I knew this was going to a be a trial for the very fate of my mortal soul.

Behind the three judges was a door that seemed to be a portal or tunnel with a sort of 'living light' that pulsated in the tunnel. And the living light told me telepathically in visions to my mind and feelings to my body that if I could just survive this trial that merging with it was the 'way' to true Heaven. And I had a speed of light realization of being a sort of cell or bubble in a sea of cells or bubbles that were all individual self-worlds joined to each other that were individual yet all One and all part of an ocean-like Being that was the Source of All Existence. So I was Me, I was They, and I and They were It and we were all One -- all separate but One instantaneously. The experience (the sensation) was way beyond any sex orgasm or drug high I had ever experienced. It was the Real Deal. Then the incredible orgasmic vision disappeared and I was back at the table seated next to my 'attorney' and the trial was about to commence.

Now the prosecuting attorney angel started calling up to the witness chair one after another of my family and friends. What were once my friends and family now gave testimony against my character and the sundry 'bad' deeds of my life. One after another my erstwhile friends told of how I hurt, betrayed and disappointed them in oh so many ways. One person after another over and over -- blah-blah-blah! My defense attorney-angel kept jumping up and yelling 'objection -- hearsay' or whatever but the Judges kept yelling back 'over-ruled.' I had a real bad feeling this wasn't going to turn out in my favor. And sure enough when the prosecuting angel presented his final witness against me he turned to look at the Judges and they spoke quickly to each other and then turned to look at me and yelled 'Dying's too good for you. You have to go back!'

Instantaneously, I was looking up at a person who I realized was a nurse. I had tubes in my nostrils. I had tubes going in one wrist and out the other. I had a tube going up my urinary tract. I was totally wired up to machines. And the nurse started smiling and crying -- super happy and emotional. She said 'Oh my God. We got you back.' She called out to other nurses and doctors and suddenly there was little bit of a crowd in the room. The nurses and doctors took turns excitedly telling me that I was in the ICU of Scripps LaJolla Hospital and I had been in a coma for three days. They said that I was found laying next to my car savagely beaten up and that the folks who found me went to a neighbors house and had them call the paramedics whom immediately started working on me to save my life.

When I arrived at the hospital it was immediately apparent that besides being beaten I had overdosed and so they started trying to antidote the overdose but I had so many kinds of drugs in me that the usual procedures didn't work. They ended up doing what is called 'blood washing' which is a form of dialysis to clean the drugs out of my body. Meanwhile, I kept flat-lining and dying and they kept bringing me back -- all this incredibly heroic effort to save my life. And all the while I was in what I call 'other space' going through a sort of trial for the fate of my mortal soul. When the doctors and nurses finally stabilized me, I was transferred over to the ICU recovery room but they had little hope that I was going to be anything other than someone in a vegetative coma until finally I died. So the doctors and nurses actually considered it to be a 'miracle' that all of sudden there I was back from certain death. Other than having a bandaged up smashed up face, I was ambulatory and lucid and they were so happy -- and so was I.

OK, so there was one shocking thing that I learned about the drugs I had been doing. One of the nurses gave me a print out of the analysis of all the drugs in my blood -- in my body. Instead of there being any cocaine there was only a synthetic numbing agent -- Proparacaine. There was also methamphetamine. And instead of there being any heroin in my blood, instead there was Fentanyl -- a synthetic opoid that is 100 times stronger than a like dose of heroin. The nurse told me that is what almost killed me. I was shocked that I had been sold phony cocaine that started me out on the binge. And then I was sold super potent Fentanyl instead of just ordinary heroin -- which almost killed me.

And so I wish I could say I learned a lesson right away from that experience but of course I didn't. Later on in the day in the recovery room I phoned a female friend and had her drive down to the hospital. I sneaked out of the recovery room and got into the trunk of her car and sort of did a theatrically over dramatic escape from the hospital. But a few days later I did have a gracious thank you note printed up and framed which I presented to the doctors and nurses who saved me. Also, I paid as much of my hospital bill as I could possibly afford -- $8000.00. Next I moved away from the decadent Los Angeles celebrity drug scene -- I moved to another state. However, my Peruvian cocaine source came back and I ended up selling and using the drug for nine more years. Finally, in March of 1992 I was set up by some of my clients whom had gotten busted and they let drug enforcement agents arrest me when I showed up to sell the clients some product. Subsequently, in the midst of spending thirty days in jail while I awaited summation of charges, I suddenly had some kind of 'self-realization' and when I got out of jail I went through my legal trial got convicted did only ninety days of 'work release' and quit drugs and have never used anything of that sort since then -- twenty five years.

OK, and so I am thankful to be able to tell my story in this forum because no one had ever believed or cared about what I experienced. And I always vividly and intensely remember the entire experience in Other Space. I know that there is something always present that is more than what most religions (except Buddhism or Hinduism) call Heaven. I was fleetingly One with It and I know it's possible to be One with It again -- this time for time beyond time.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date NDE Occurred: January 1983

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attemptCriminal attackDrug or medication overdose Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function) Overdosed on synthetic heroin and then was savagely beaten, robbed and left for dead.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

The experience included: Out of body experience

Did you feel separated from your body? No I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal The entire experience was hyper-real -- intense, vivid like 3D cinema.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? While I was in what I call Other Space.

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning Everything seemed to happen all at once but like it always was and always will be.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It was way more intense than any ordinary day-to-day reality.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Once again more intense than so called 'reality.'

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

The experience included: Tunnel

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes I felt like I merged with a sort of living light that pulsated in a portal or tunnel and this 'light' transported me faster than the speed of light to merge with and become part of and aware of what I call the 'Source of All Existence.'

The experience included: Presence of deceased persons

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I encountered friends who had died who were alive, young and healthy.

The experience included: Darkness

The experience included: Unearthly light

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes A pulsating creamy golden light that seemed to be aware and alive.

The experience included: A landscape or city

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm First I was aware of being in what I called the 'space station' which was a vividly beautiful park-like world. Next I was in what I call the 'Salem Witch Trial' which was a kind of dark Gothic courtroom scene.

The experience included: Hellish imagery

The experience included: Strong emotional tone

What emotions did you feel during the experience? First part of the experience was joyful and the second part was ominous and sad.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe I was aware that I was some kind of Being that was like an immense all encompassing unknowable ocean in which I was a bubble that was self aware and aware of trillions of other bubbles. Or kind of like an infinite amoeba -- that I was a self aware cell amongst infinite other self aware cells within it.

The experience included: Life review

Did scenes from your past come back to you? I remembered many past events I was aware of all the good times I had with my friends and then I was aware of all the bad deeds I did or didn't do regarding my friends and family.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

The experience included: Boundary

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes There were three 'Judges' who sat at a table in front of a portal/tunnel with a sort of 'living light' pulsating within and I had to get past those Judges to enter the Light.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

God, Spiritual and Religion:


What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Moderately important to me

What was your religion prior to your experience? Other or several faiths I considered myself to be a sort of Tibetan Buddhist-Celtic Pagan.

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths Same as above.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience Having read various texts of the Tibetan Book of the Dead and having done the Psychedelic Experience as well as being well read regarding such persons as Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell and the Teachings of Don Juan, etc. none of what happened was shockingly unfamiliar to me.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I realized that even though I thought I was being super nice guy that I was unaware of a lot of pain I was causing people until the 'Salem Witch Trial' in Other Space.

The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I was transported by the Living Light to merge with some kind of Being that was like an eternal and infinite ocean in which all beings and things existed within. I was the Being and I was Me and I was Everything and Everything was Me -- all Individual and all the Same instantaneously.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes Merging fleetingly like the speed of light but experiencing it like forever with an Eternal All Encompassing Being.

Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes Merging fleetingly like the speed of light but experiencing it like forever with an Eternal All Encompassing Being.

Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:


During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I felt like I was allowed to experience a speed of light but remembering like I was there forever awareness of the Source of All Existence and that also I had to go back to earth to clean up my karma.

Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I went through a 'trial' where all my past misdeeds perpetrated upon my friends that were real or imagined were witnessed against me and I was aware that I had to go back and make things right.

Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife definitely exists

Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes First I aware of being in a sort of 'heaven' where all my family and friends were with me and we'd be there just in that Moment forever -- but I realized it was really just a 1/2 way station between earth and an eternity that more than forever. Then I was in place I call the 'Salem Witch Trial' where I saw a sort of portal/tunnel with a pulsating Living Light that telepathically reached out to me and sort of teleported my astral body to merge with some kind of Eternal All Encompassing Being for just a Moment at the speed of light.

Did you fear death prior to your experience? I slightly feared death

Do you fear death after your experience? I slightly fear death

Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life

Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life

Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant

Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes I went through a 'trial' where all my past misdeeds perpetrated upon my friends that were real or imagined were witnessed against me and I was aware that I had to go back and make things right.

Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Moderately compassionate toward others

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I was in a sort of transitory 'heaven' wherein everyone from my past whom was family or friends was there and we all felt wonderful love and friendship for each other. Then I was teleported by a sort of Living Light to merge with some kind of Eternal All Encompassing Being wherein I felt Love that was more intense than anything that can be experienced or imagined by an earthly body.

Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Slight changes in my life Immediately, I moved away from the Los Angeles celebrity drug scene but I still kept selling cocaine and using it in the new city that I moved to in another state. Finally, nine years later I was setup and busted and while in jail I had a self-realization that I didn't want to be involved with drugs or the drug lifestyle ever again. The people I was always involved with never even liked me -- not even my girlfriends. All they liked was the drugs. Now for twenty five years I have never used any drug other than an antibiotic or Tylenol and I feel like I have led a kind and compassionate life based on a love of Nature which God enough for me.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I moved away from the Los Angeles celebrity drug scene because no one cared what happened to me or even wanted to listen -- they just wanted drugs. And now I just lead a simple, natural life doing honest work and growing an organic garden with lots of cats and a beautiful and compassionate girlfriend.

After the NDE:


Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of th I was heavily into partying and using cocaine and so this Moment of NDE experience was like an island of clarity in the mists of time.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Meeting my family and friends in the 'space station' heaven. Being teleported to merge with the Eternal All Encompassing Being. Having to sit and listen to people whom I considered to be friends and family bear witness against me about my karmic misdeeds. Being sent back to cleanup my karma.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I immediately told the doctors and nurses in ICU recovery room and all my so called celebrity friends but no one believed me or cared. No one ever has cared. But I am sure if something like what I experienced happened to them then they would be a believer.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I had often heard of the 'light tunnel' or 'light at the of the tunnel' and I believed in Angels, anyway.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It just felt so real all the all the events leading up to the NDE felt like it was scripted or pre-ordained. It was like being in my own movie all about me.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It just felt so real all the the events leading up to the NDE felt like it was scripted or pre-ordained. It was like being in my own movie all about me.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes July 1st 2014 -- my young gray tabby cat got sick and quickly was dying. I spent all night with her in my arms dipping my finger in water and letting her lick it to keep her hydrated and hoping she would recover. But about 5 AM in the morning she let out a haunting death cry and died. I will never forget that cry of release. And then her body seemed to electrify and her stripes were like electrical sine wave patterns. I could see that she was seeing the same Eternal All Encompassing Being that I saw many years ago. Her soul was being transported. The look in her eyes blew my mind and I started crying I was so happy for her that she was going to God. I could see the Living Light in her eyes. It blew my mind to see it again. I realized that everything is part of God. Even animals have their own gods and goddesses -- they have their own heaven. And we all go to merge with All Encompassing Being when we die. I was so happy for her. I am crying right now as I am writing this. God Bless you Pepper the Cat you showed me the Way.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? It's just amazing how people just laugh at someone when they talk about their NDE experiences -- like you're just plain crazy or were drugged-up.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? It's just fine like it is.