Life has been difficult emotionally for some time, several years in fact. Events led up to me just wanting to die. I just didn't want to hurt any longer. I saw no way out of the pain. I had not planned suicide but the night, the moment, recent events, some alcohol and pills available, within moments my mind was made up. I had hit the wall. I had no intention of living. I wanted to die. When I was in emergency room and they were bringing me around, after the NDE, I fought them begging them to please let me go, that I did not want to come back to this side. Those were my exact words, 'I don't want to come back to this side, and I want to stay on the other side'. Those were my first words.
So, I drank a few beers, ate a few pills, and drank a couple more beers and then I remembered that I had not called my sister. I wanted to say goodbye to her without letting her know what I was doing. I had already written a suicide note explaining everything but I wanted to hear my sister's voice. During our conversation, she knew something was wrong. I told her that I was not feeling well. During our conversation, the pills kicked in quicker than I had thought, and I passed out while talking to her. She called 911 from Mississippi (I live just outside Chicago) and she could not be connected. She eventually called the police in the town that I live in and convinced them to call an ambulance. It took forty minutes for them to find my correct address and they came in through my bedroom window via a ladder. I am in an apartment on the second floor and they could not get in the main door so they broke through the window and found me unconscious. The next thing that I knew was waking up in the emergency room. They were working on me. I remember all the people around me and fighting them to leave me alone so that I could stay in the place where I had recently been. I physically started fighting them because I so desperately wanted to stay in that happy, loving, peaceful place that I had been.
Now for the experience:
The first conscious thing that I remember is that there was a swooshing sound, very light, sort of like when a parachute opens and the calm that follows while you are floating to the ground. There was a light, not blinding but like a soft light shining through a fog. The feeling was so peaceful, no pain, calm, happy and there were 'people' or spirits of people that I knew. There was a feeling of happiness and laughter and camaraderie of all that were there. I saw no bodies but I knew some of the people and felt friends all around me. I can't say who they were but I know that I knew all of them and that they knew me. They were happy to see me. I was so very happy to be there. I was rejoicing and ready to stay. It is at almost the moment that I knew that I wanted to stay that 'someone' said to me, 'No, you can't stay, it is not your time.' I argued that I didn't want to go back but the voice said in a commanding yet loving tone, 'No, it is not your time.' I remember being upset and starting to resist and the spirit repeated, 'No, you can't stay,' and the light swooshing sound and light took me right back to the emergency room and almost as if in unison the voice on the spirit side said, 'No, it is not your time.' The person working on me in emergency room, when I woke up after leaving the spirit world, was saying the same words at the same time, 'No, it is not your time.'
I heard the same words in two worlds at the same time. Leaving the spirit world and entering the physical world, the voices were saying that to me. That is the last thing that I remember before waking up a few hours later and looking over the side of the bed in the emergency room and looking into the face of my best friend Carroll. (She is the emergency contact in my phone and had been called.) When I woke up and looked at Carroll, I said, 'What are you doing here?' She smiled and said that they had called her. My next sentence was, 'Carroll, there is life after death. There is another side, I was there.' Then I slipped back into sleep. Later when I woke up again, I told her that again and I told her that I didn't want to come back. Weeks later, we have talked about that incident several times. Curiosity led to us to look for information on the internet about NDEs. This is how I found this website.
My feelings about this experience have been positive. I believe that I was not supposed to die. The spirits indicated that I had more things to do and they were counting on me to do them. What, I don't know. I keep asking for direction. If I am supposed to live, then what is the mission that I am supposed to accomplish? In difficult times after the attempt, I keep asking for signs, for direction.
I have run a large social network for singles to meet for friendships, dating and charity. Many people are friends today because of the people that attend my events. Some are couples, some are friends and some are marriages. While having all these people in my life and around my life, I have been so lonely and apart from everyone. Everything that I do is scrutinized and if I blow my nose, everyone in the community knows it. I almost have a celebrity like status. I meet many people, make many social friends, and help others make friends but I am probably one of the loneliest people there are in the group. I can't truly befriend many of the people that come to my events for many reasons. Business, personal and just not physically possible. My dear closest friends are friends that I made through my events some time ago when it was small. Carroll is one of those friends. I feel that the message that it was not my time is that I am supposed to do something special, truly special for people. I just don't know what that is. Is it through the social group? What? I wish that I knew. I know that many people look to me for direction. Many people follow me and watch me. I have always been a leader. I feel that the message was that I am supposed to do something great.
First, I have to get through the pain that I am in and then figure out what I am supposed to do. Over the last month, since the suicide attempt, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the afterlife and how I am supposed to live the rest of my life and accomplish what I am supposed to do. I know that this message was very strong and I 'FEEL' that something great is going to happen. I just don't know what.
I know that the feelings that I had when I was on the other side is where I want to be when I leave this world. I have to do the work here before I can go back to where I want to call home. I have probably another twenty-five years to figure that one out. I know that this experience is going to make a huge difference in how I live the remainder of my life. NOW I know that there is no death after this life. I want desperately to go back to the other world. I just know that I can't go until it is my time.
Date NDE Occurred: October 3, 2005
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt Illness, trauma or other condition not considered life threatening Overdose.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Wonderful
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal True one hundred percent communication. No doubt how they felt about me or how I felt about them. There was no fear.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the conversation with the spirits. The smiles, the laughter, the welcoming, the happiness when I was briefly with them.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Did your vision differ in any way from normal? Everything was fuzzy but I knew everyone there. It was not visual as much as consciousness.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Soft foggy light.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peaceful, happy, I felt that I had arrived to where I am supposed to be. NO pain.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Moderate Lutheran
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes No structured religion but I now know that there is life after death and we are going to be accountable for what we do during this life.
What is your religion now? Moderate
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes No structured religion but I now know that there is life after death and we are going to be accountable for what we do during this life.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes Whoever it was that was giving me directions was the authority. No question. Even though I fought the decision. I knew that what he/she was saying that it was law.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I know that there is some purpose for me. I just keep looking for it.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? No
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? See the story above.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes The moment that I woke up. My friend believed me. She even shared with me after that that she had gone to a friend of hers that channels. She lost her boyfriend last year to suicide. We have talked extensively about it. I have told several people and most of them believe me.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes TV shows, and the book 'Crossing Over'.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. I know that this happened. NO DOUBT.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. NO DOUBT.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? I know that this happened. I know that this has changed the way that I am going to continue to live my life. I have a purpose but I have to find the path that I am supposed to take.