My experience was not like the usual stories about near death experiences, there was little to say about my surroundings as far as beautiful lights, mine was different than what I have heard or read about … I was unloading a 22 caliber handgun we had in our home for protection, ha! We had a problem with one of my daughter’s boyfriends threatening our family so I had the gun loaded, just in case I needed it. My husband drives a truck and was seldom at home. It had been a few months since I loaded it and I had forgotten about it … while putting laundry away one evening I realized the clip was still in the gun, so I thought I would unload it as a 'safety precaution'. The clip would not come out so easily so I pointed the gun towards the ceiling above my left shoulder. I couldn't get the clip out so I thought, no problem, I started to eject the bullets from the chamber. I remember getting one out, but the next one was lodged in it sideways sort of cattycorner, so I used my finger and tried to straighten it out so I could remove it. The gun slammed shut on my finger and I guess I jerked back and it discharged in the left side of my upper chest, severely damaging the brachial artery and the brachial plexus nerve. I immediately began to lose a lot of blood and my arm just flopped by my side as if it didn't even belong to my body. I remember realizing that my very life was in peril. I remember saying "Oh Jesus". Not what I would call in a panic, but more like HELP. I started getting cold, I suppose it is what they tell me now was hypothermia, but all of a sudden it was like I was being held, like an infant, and comforted by what I thought to be Jesus. I began to feel warmer although my body was obviously cold, even to the point of trembling and shaking. I watched the whole thing, but it was like I was watching it from above the whole scene. I remember parts of the incident, like the policeman asking questions, the paramedics asking me questions, my daughters crying and then I saw my little granddaughter, she was barely one year old at the time. The most awesome feeling I can remember is the most wonderful feeling of total peace, a peace not only in my mind, but deep in my soul, my very spirit.
I have since been more able to accept the things I cannot change and endure the things I would rather not. The only thing that puzzles me is that I don't feel attached to the people who are my family, the husband who has been my husband for almost 27 years, the three daughters conceived of that marriage, and the other people in my life that I felt were the reason for my existence, they are no longer the reason for my life to go on. I now live my life for ME. I still love these people, but I don't engage in conflict, I prefer peace, but I am no longer a doormat, I am a person. I am 45 years old and I have since gone back to school, I do not know what I want to be when I grow up, ha, but I know I would like to help other people in whatever it is that I am supposed to do. I am only 15 credits away from my associates and after that I will be attending A major Pennsylvania University.
I don't know where my life will lead me, it is as if there is some invisible path I am to follow, and discord has no part in it. My husband and my family, think I should stay at home and baby-sit my grandchildren, I now have three, but I am driven to get my education. I have an inner contentment now that no one understands and words can't even describe, this is so difficult for me now to try to put in words the overwhelming spirit of peace that I have found, although it seems that all the forces on earth are working against me I still keep going. Any insight into this would be greatly appreciated. I know they tell me that I lost about 5-6units of blood, they tell me they replaced a part of my brachial artery with a gortex one and gave me a lot of blood, could that blood have also given me a more peaceful spirit? I know that seems unrealistic and a bit strange, but from the time of the accident when I felt like a newborn baby being comforted by its mother which brought about a sense of warmth throughout my body, mind and soul I have not been the same … I am both puzzled and elated in a sense. Thank you for listening and again any input or insight would be gratefully appreciated … all I know is that one of the doctors said that my life hung by the thickness of a piece of paper and I thank God every day for that.
I don't mind the anonymous posting, but until I have a better understanding of my experience I would prefer it to remain that way. I think you can understand that. My accident seems like yesterday, although it happened almost four years ago, in 1995. I feel more at peace with all things, yet detached at the same time. I love to laugh and make others smile; I love to see children play, flowers bloom and watch the rising and setting of the sun. So many things, including colors, seem to be more vivid, more important and less frivolous than before. I am more aware of others feelings and sometimes I can almost feel their pain, emotional more than the physical kind, but I am still an infant finding my way along this new path of a destiny that I do not fully comprehend. As each day passes, I feel a sense of loss of time, time that could have been used to accomplish more. I really do not know yet what is in store for me, but I am willing to find out.
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