Since I was seventeen I'd had chronic pain doctors had labeled as fibromyalgia. It had become a torturous existence, and sleep was difficult to come by. By the time of the experience and even long before, I had reached a point where I was sleeping just fifteen minutes at a time, and then I'd have to move, stretch and massage my muscles in bed, as it was too painful to hold still for long. I was constantly tired. My doctor had an idea for a medication that wasn't typically used for sleep, but might have the effect of dulling the pain enough so that I could finally sleep. I noticed that when I took it, even in the tiniest amount, my nose would swell and my breathing became too shallow. It was scary and uncomfortable, but the relief from pain came, so the temptation to take it was great. I informed the doctor that I believed I was having an allergic reaction to the medication and he chuckled and said that my body simply needed to 'get used to the med' and that the amount I was taking was so low, it couldn't possibly do anything. He asked me to take three whole pills. I took a quarter of one to try it out. One night, after a week of brutal pain and no deep sleep, I considered the doctor's prescription of three whole pills and decided to take them all and trust him.
I went to bed after taking all three, and within minutes felt myself begin to go numb. Then the inside of my nasal passages swelled up and I couldn't breathe at all. I couldn't open my mouth. I was struggling to get air, but could not. I felt encased in my body, as if mummified. I couldn't call out for help, and it only took a couple of minutes or so before the struggle was over.
There was a strong suction coming from the top of my head (like a vacuum) and an absolute sense of relief. There was no longer a need to breathe, and no feeling of being drugged on the medication. I had no sense of my own body. It seems I travelled very quickly.
The next thing I remember is moving through some kind of a portal along with many others. It felt like I was in some kind of a waiting room situation. With the many others coming through, I was curious, and began to watch them move in. I watched a group of about three teenage boys come through who had an energy and way about them that I felt as abrasive. As I was looking at them, it came to me that they had died in a car accident where they had all been drunk. Another woman came through who looked to be in her fifties or so. She noticed me watching her and took that opportunity to communicate. She was quite the chatterbox and was talking on and on. I listened to her for a short while and she told me how proud she was of her body and how well she had taken care of herself in her life. How good she'd looked. I noticed that she had an odd looking color to her skin, like she'd either been going to tanning booths or laying out under the sun for too long. Her hair looked to be an artificial color of blonde and even her breasts looked like she'd had implants, which I seemed to just know without having to ask. It understood that she'd died of cancer. She proceeded to try to show me her body and I had no interest, becoming bored and moved on. A lot of others came through. I didn't feel the people were either good or bad. It just felt like a room of normal people, all unique to themselves. This room or area did not feel very bright to me, and despite the fact that I was receiving somehow, information that these people were dead; I hadn't fully accepted that, because everything felt so real and natural. So alive. Nothing felt shocking or strange. I was very curious about what it was all about.
There was a young woman who came up to me. She had beautiful, almost greenish eyes, and the loveliest shade of reddish hair. She began to tell me about herself. She told me that she had died with the feeling that was similar to drowning. And yet, I wasn't sure if she actually had drowned. While she told me of her death telepathically, I actually experienced at a certain level, what she felt. I was able to personally experience her own memory. She started to give me orders, 'Tell them this.... etc.' 'Tell them that, etc..' She was giving me personal information about herself. I had no idea why. But I politely listened. One thing she said was that she wanted me to 'Tell them that I loved to sing.' She gave a quick/impromptu singing performance for those immediately around us, and I thought her voice was beautiful. I was also awed by how she was free during her performance to actually elevate herself and move through the space around her without touching the ground. It was like watching an underwater dance without the water. I don't know why I wasn't more shocked, or why I accepted this so well. I also noticed how at a certain part of her song, her beautiful red hair seemed to grow longer! I thought it was interesting that she could choose to have longer hair at will. This young woman also told me how she had regretted not 'hanging in there.' How it 'would have been better to stay' and work out her issues and continue learning. But she also told me to, 'Tell them how free I feel now.'
I must pause and make a clear note that every word that I offer on communications from my NDE came without actual verbal words. There were very few technically precise words. What I am relaying is what came to me through telepathic communications. I never felt like I was hearing anything auditory at all. People would just look at each other, and often even with some mouth movements, but the messages would come through so quickly, without any effort, and from the inside, rather than outside of self. So when I quote communications here, I am just offering the closest thing to what was telepathically given or understood.
I remember that we had congregated into a bigger and brighter room or area where there were many others present. Everyone was so busy talking and getting to know each other. It felt similar to a scene in a high school cafeteria. People even seemed to want to quickly find others they related to or felt at ease with, and there were even little groups that began to form.
At a certain interval, I noticed a man move into the room. I sensed something about him. He felt safe and balanced to me. I just knew that I could trust him to tell me what was going on. It still had not occurred to me that I might be dead! I wasn't sure I'd accepted the fact that these people were deceased, either. So, I moved toward this man (and another note; moving didn't really involve walking, just intent of desire to GO) and approached him with my wondering, 'Who are you?' He looked at me and I realized he was a kind of teacher or Guide for this group. I knew that he had died in a truck accident. He had been a truck driver by profession. He was a Latino man. He told me that he was not a perfect man, but that he had mastered Humility. I could feel this when I was with him. He explained that he had come to help teach the importance of humility to this group of people, because they had been in some ways self-absorbed in their lives, to the degree where this had blocked their own vision and progression. They hadn't been able to learn vital lessons and had aborted their own lives, unwittingly for all I knew. He seemed to be telling me that in one way or another, these people had committed suicide. (But without that exact terminology.)
This made me wonder, as I hadn't noticed anyone in the room who had hung themselves, intentionally overdosed on drugs, shot themselves, or things like that. I was a bit confused by how the term, 'Suicide' could come to me with these people. But I came to understand that the casual disregard for life, or flagrant and selfish risks that one might take, whether involved in drug use, drunk driving, or any kind of action that could essentially lead to one's own demise is what is considered, in a way, like suicide, at least where I was. When a human takes their own life in desperation, due to emotional or mental imbalances, physical agony, or depression so severe, I understood that as being similar to when a very old person gets so tired of hanging on, that they will themselves to go, simply stop eating and breathing, etc. This is not punished, so to speak, on the Other Side. It is different. It is just the human, willing himself or herself out of this life cycle. I never witnessed punishment or condemnation.
The teacher continued to offer more information. He explained how in aborting their own lives, these people would have a rest period, but that learning what they needed to learn would be needed and the process would not be easy. I came to understand that as much as they were taught and infused with good and helpful information there, and even if they agreed wholeheartedly with what they needed to learn, that learning without a body is like learning to get over an addiction to drugs with no opportunity to do the drugs! Or like learning to love one's own enemy without having enemies to deal with. He explained how he needed to teach this group of people how vital it is to get beyond themselves. How to lose their obsession or fixation with themselves. How they will be stagnant in all progress if they cannot unchain themselves from their own ankles. He shook his head, smiling slightly, and implied that there was still very little he could help them with, without their bodies. His service was to help instill more of a passion for what he had to teach, strong enough that it would leave a seed of Light that might stay with them through their sojourn. I don't know if he taught by talking or just being there as an example. I never experienced him teaching the way we might imagine it done here. I know that just by being in his presence helped me to connect with what he was, though.
When this particular teacher was transmitting information to me, I felt a jolt of sudden anxiety with my next wondering. I queried, 'What are these people?' He came in more clearly, stating telepathically, 'They are deceased. They have died.' I remember demanding point blank, technically speaking, 'If these people are dead, what am I?!' I don't know why it took me so long to grasp this fact. (But then again, time wasn't as it is here, so I am not sure it was 'long'.) He explained gently, 'You are in between. You are as if in a coma. There will still be life in you. You are not the same.'
With that, I started upward. I wanted out of there, then. As I moved toward the corner of the room to leave, at least a couple of the teenage boys suddenly lunged at me with an energy like, 'She's alive. Touch her!' They were reaching toward me and trying to pull me back toward them. It seemed almost as if they were desiring sexual contact or energy. This of course had me all the more determined, I was leaving.
I now believe that some of the deceased, if not all, still have many earthly or worldly desires. That they go out and arrive, the same human natured beings they were in life. Looking back at that part of my experience, I was astounded by how earthly people can be on the Other Side. One might expect that upon entering through death's door, there would be sudden enlightenment. That maybe everyone would realize absolute goodness and choose Light and a fresh start, possibly becoming more angelic and purified, but in that place, everyone came in exactly as they'd been before.
I'd also wondered at religion while I was there, and I quickly received the knowing that this wasn't important in the way I imagined it was prior to my NDE. That one's religion, no matter which they joined or didn't join on earth, was what was written in their own heart. It was about who the person was, not what label they wore or who or what they worshiped or believed in. Your own frequency, tone, and mathematical equation as I comprehended, was Your truth. You are who you are. I learned that we are here to learn how to Love, Divinely. We learn to become masters of ourselves by ruling our own lower or more dense aspects of self and to bring these forward and upward within, to our highest possibility. We are all working toward Oneness again, as I concluded in part, from the experience.
I am not sure if the following took place before, after, or simultaneously with what I just shared. For the sake of some level of written chronology, I express as, 'next', 'after' or, 'then'. It could be in that order, but know that I am often tempted to say that it was 'all at once.'
Then, I began to move quickly, and I felt that I was safe and comfortable. I felt enveloped in Love. There was someone tending to me, and I seemed to be at absolute peace with this personage. There was so much light coming from his face. I am tempted to say that I believe this Guide was male. But even so, I felt a very maternal sense toward him. It was as if he were like a mother to me. I hesitate to label him with a gender, just yet. (I hesitate to label much of anything since the NDE.) I will refer to this Guide as male though, to make things easier for writing purposes. If I knew his name while with him, then it was taken from me upon return to my body because I no longer hold it. (I wouldn't be shocked to discover that much memory was pulled from me in regard to personal details of my Guide, because even what memories I do have are painful for me and have made me crave return. I do sense some parts of my NDE have been veiled to an extent.)
We were traveling upward, I suppose. My vibration was changing. There was a big change in frequency, as if I was tuning into a different radio station on a grand scale. I was out in the Universe, and I was given a kind of show, like having an astronomy teacher speak on the beauty of the Universe while lying under the stars at night. But, I was out there amidst them. And I was not able to take back with me all of this part's content since my return, but I remember that during this scene, I saw something like holographic words and numbers move in front of me past the stars. It felt like I was being downloaded with information. It was more about receiving information, than visuals and literal details that I can put into clear words. I felt at that time that I understood EVERYTHING. I understood that I felt the full truth of Laws and Order in the Universe. One thing that I held onto was the beautiful math of the Universe. (This 'math' was also 'Science'.) I remember coming to understand that there was a supreme and perfect kind of math that was in and of ALL things that existed. I remember being told something about Einstein! I was so delighted. It was such a pleasant experience. I was also shown how there is a kind of clockwork in the sky. How the stars themselves actually hold a sort of map or mathematical Key to everything that is! 'You are written in the stars,' I was told! EVERYTHING is! I recall how thrilling this part of my NDE was for me. I wish I had better articulation to describe how wondrous this part was.
I was also told that this map in the stars, or the keys that are hidden there have been known for a long time by many, and that these things have been corrupted and turned into things of ill or trivial purpose in most cases on our planet. But also that many were working to bring the knowledge of this system to purity.
All of my life, I had felt confusion and dismay at what I believed was lack of order. When I saw suffering that I deemed, unnecessary, sadness, or anything that I couldn't make sense of, I'd been riddled with a painful impression of Chaos. I was flabbergasted that the God I so fervently believed in, and was taught to trust, could do no better than what I beheld in my everyday life. It tore at my soul and I prayed daily and sometimes for hours and hours, begging for an answer that could provide some kind of a reckoning for my confusion.
I'd been taught in my life that we had ONE life to live (I'd never even considered reincarnation) and that some people get to have the most incredible luxury and wonders that anyone could imagine while others are 'tested' because of their 'valiant spirits.' These people have to deal with terrible miseries to 'prove their strength', while still others, like small innocent children all over the world, are born to suffer through starvation, disease, rape, mutilation, even years and years of torture, only to die and then 'get their just reward.' This didn't seem like much of a 'test' to me. It just seemed insane. I couldn't make logic of it. When I begged religious leaders for answers, I was told that 'sometimes God let's wicked people torture good people so that He can punish the wicked for their deeds.' The whole system just seemed sick to me. I couldn't completely respect this notion. I wanted to believe that God had to be good.
In my NDE though, I came to understand that most of us have lived much, MUCH longer than we could even fathom. That our life which feels so very long is infinitesimal when placed in the whole picture, which for that matter, cannot even be framed. I was shown how every single individual through their own free will, chooses paths that mathematically take them to the circumstances of their next existence or life. That nothing at all sits in accident or chaos. That every single aspect of our lives are ruled by natural Laws that we placed ourSELVES in! In a sense, we create our own worlds. I was shown how one can never assume either, that if someone lives a life of suffering that this is because of 'evil' deeds. Many may choose a life of suffering because of what it Awakens in them, or because of how they can touch others from that position, etc. We can NEVER EVER assume that we can be accurate in guessing why each being lives the life they live. I cannot describe the relief - the refreshing, peaceful balm this Knowledge was for me. To finally gather this Truth that I'd yearned for all of my life. That all really IS Good! That there IS sense and beauty all around. That no one is just free falling as it had seemed before! That God doesn't just get to toy with us as He pleases with random ideas of tests, including rewards and punishments that just depend upon His current mood or mindset. Because even who God is, is within those Laws. While in this experience, out in the vast expanse of stars, planets, moons, and Intelligence, I Knew complete trust for what felt like the first time. This was inexplicable bliss for me. I remember radiating with gratitude. I had lived in fear, distrust, and panic for thirty consecutive years.
I want to add that in my life, I have always had a mental block when it came to math. Even the simplest math ideas, starting from the time I was only six years old were difficult for me to approach. I would shut down when anything with numbers was presented to me. So, in my NDE, while being shown such an enormous array of gorgeous mathematical equations, facts and visual numerical splendor, I was overjoyed at my own ability to thoroughly comprehend all of it. Unfortunately, at my return, I was discouraged to find that I could not relay or bring with me the expansive amount of math understanding and knowledge I'd been so anxious to share with others. I was though in NDE, and still am, in love with numbers. That was at least a leap forward!
I was also brought before what appeared to be a living picture of our planet. While I was looking at it, I saw a word above it. I believe it was, 'Novata'. Then the whole planet seemed to open up, like an eyelid that slowly awakens to dawn. It looked to be one eye opening up. There was a lovely, soft woman's voice who spoke the days of the week in a different language, and then said, 'Prepare for the Seventh Day.' At this, I saw the curious image of a piano. There was something about music and octaves.
The next thing I remember is traveling quickly over the Earth. It felt very surreal while doing so. It almost seemed that I was shown a movie, and yet the movie seemed alive, like flying over a panoramic film of a live scene on earth.
I have lost much of what I saw, but I retain the main idea of what I was given while moving over the planet or possibly having a movie OF the planet being shown before me. There were fields of crops all over, in specific. As I would zoom in and get close, for instance, to a field of wheat, I would be told, 'The food has been altered and poisoned. It is no longer pure. The people are consuming impure food. This is death.' I felt sad and concerned about this and wondered why or how it was possible. How could a field of wheat or corn be 'poisoned', and WHY?! I was told that man should return to the Earth or death would ensue everywhere. It was said again and again during this scene to 'Return to the Earth.' I was told that upon my return, that I should look for pure food, unadulterated, and only consume that which is 'clean,' but I dismissed this somewhat, because I had no intention of returning.
My Guide stood by at a certain time (again, difficult for me to place any of this in chronological order, as time felt so different there. It was almost as if many things happened at once and yet separately. So as I mentioned, there is much of this experience, I can't honestly place in any order.) He lovingly stayed as my support while I had a kind of life review. I never felt chastised at all, even though I know I've been very cruel at times and have hurt many people. I've lost my temper in horrible ways, with one of the hottest tempers I know of, I have had great trouble with forgiveness, and yet, I felt only Love and understanding through the entire life review. What it felt like to me was that I was being given the opportunity and gift of being able to stand back and more fully understand and love myself. I was able to feel exactly what others around me had felt during my life. I understood how everything I did, said, and even thought had touched others around me in one way or another. I was able to even enter the minds and emotional centers of many who had been around me, and understand where they were coming from in their own thinking. How their own personal views and life experiences had brought them to the places each stood. I felt their own struggling and their own fears, their own desperate need for love and approval, their confusion, and more than anything, I could feel how child-like everyone was. With every person I viewed, including myself, I was able to See and Feel with a Higher Mind and Eye. The feeling I had toward everyone was nothing less than what a loving mother would feel for her own children at toddler age.
It was actually comical at moments. I could feel how the 'Elders' as I will call them (these are those who are Helpers on the Other Side who have Mastered themselves in many or all ways, and help work with us.) see us and find so much humor in the way we do things. (Humor is so valued, there!!) It might seem brutally annoying to consider when we are in the midst of a great argument or drama that is playing out in our lives, that the Elders view these things very much like when a mother sees her two-year-old scream and cry and bop another child on the head with a stuffed animal. The mother doesn't want her child to fall apart, become hysterical and cry. She feels for her child, but at the same time, she sees a little bit of comedy in how seriously the child takes what is usually a trivial drama. She continues to love her child and thinks the world of it, hoping it will go on enjoying the day, living and learning.
This was a big light bulb moment for me, because I had entertained the dark idea, during my life, that every little less than perfect action of mine, was being 'watched by God,' and judged with anger or sadness. I felt constant guilt for my mistakes and belabored over the dread of 'being watched' with severe or at least stern eyes. That I was disappointing to God or angels, at times. I wanted to please, and I believed that I was so often falling short. This had been a maddening way to live. So getting the chance to view others from a much higher frequency was wonderful, to say the least. And knowing how much Love I felt as I watched or sensed others' in their personal situations, made me want to live more in joy rather than guilt and worry. No one was mad at me.
I was able to explore the mind or energetic pattern of one of my life's sworn enemies, someone I couldn't imagine forgiving for what I'd witnessed. And yet, coming back from my NDE, I could feel nothing more than such a flood of Love for this woman. I dived in at the chance to write her a letter and tell her how much I loved her, and to ask for forgiveness for the energetic weight I might have held over her from my own dark thoughts and anger. She could have been my own firstborn. That is how much I adored her at that time. Because I was able to feel the Divine Love for her that the Essence of who God is, feels toward her, I too, couldn't help but Love her in a similar way, as that Higher Love moved through me. It was such a surprisingly marvelous feeling to relinquish the burden of my own anger and judgments, much of which I hadn't even carried consciously, most of my years.
Surveying all of this, I want to note, that I felt a higher part of me that had compassion on the ME that was so ignorant and juvenile. It seemed to understand what I was working with, in every detail, and it only wanted for my joy. I felt this toward my own SELF, if that makes any sense. I desired to have my lower self Awaken, and to be filled with Love and Joy. I wanted my lower, child-like self to be kinder, to be more Conscious, and to find Peace and balance.
I am forever grateful for my Life Review and what I took from it. It is one of my favorite memories.
I did not have an experience of seeing God as an 'old man in a big white robe, sitting on a throne,' although, that was the most prominent image I might have held in my mind, formerly. At NDE, God was the Mind, or maybe I'd say, 'The Order' in all things. God felt to be the Supreme Highest Vibration and Frequency, that felt like more of an ESSENCE than an old man, to me. But I still feel God is ineffable. God was all around and in everything. God no longer felt male to me. I didn't sense a gender, if there was one. The idea of that just seemed silly from the Other Side. God was just all that is beautiful and peaceful and One, and all that is Good. Even using the name, 'God' for what I experienced seems unfitting. God is so much more than what can be imagined through naming. And everything DID feel so good to me, there. In fact, I came back with this Knowing that despite what SEEMED 'good' or 'bad' before, now became united to be only, 'Good' - in the long run! Because I trusted and Knew that everything was in its right place, even when people made decisions that I didn't agree with myself, I still felt that in the overall picture, it was ALL within 'Good.' I had that Knowing that there was the essence or spark of the Highest (as I'll refer to 'God') in EVERYTHING, in every atom, mineral, vegetable, animal, human and beyond. I just Knew that the Highest waited within everything to expand and create and grow and experience.
I lost all desire to analyze so much in life, as I'd learned before through religious examples and likely my own nature, by trying to judge every little thing for whether it was 'good' or 'bad.' I wasn't so concerned with the label. I didn't want to frame anything into my perceptions. We are all consciousness experiencing life, and learning how to love, create, and develop to the Highest we can be. I knew to go and choose what felt right for me and to trust more than before. That when something felt unjust or imbalanced, to do what I could to work toward harmony, but to not worry about that which I had no control over. I know that eventually, even without our taking over the controls, the Universe is so full of order; it always finds a way to balance everything, because the Universe cannot exist without perfect balance, as I felt it. It will continue to exist.
I had never realized the all-encompassing monster of misery that my duality way of thinking was in my life until my NDE. If someone had walked up to me before my NDE and had asked me if my 'duality' way of thinking was tiring and miserable for me, I would have been utterly confused and unable to agree with the statement or even make sense of it. I had never been aware of how my mind had always tried to label, judge or compare in one way or another everything I came across. Even if in ways I thought of as 'good,' for example; 'She's the nicest...' or 'He's the best guy!...' or 'That backyard is the prettiest one, etc.' It was me judging one thing as better than another. Divisive.
Since coming back from the NDE, I find that in my earthly body and mind, this tendency still comes up occasionally, but not as often, and I am much more conscious of when I am doing it. It no longer appeals to me. It feels sickening. I'm sensitive physically to this way. I don't feel such a need.
I was able to move around the planet and feel different continents, countries, races, even certain smaller states, cities, and people! Each held its own kind of personal vibration and energetic pattern. I learned how we are each made up of so many different or various layers of energetic influence. This was fascinating to me! Each race, each country, even a state, each family in a way, is like its own organism. Connected to all, but with an influence of its very own and very important unique purposes. Each is sacred and vital.
While with my Guide, I was shown many planets and also some moons. I saw one planet or moon that appeared to be partially submerged in water! There are no words for how beautiful these scenes were. The colors were so vibrant and rich. I especially loved the hue of blues that I saw.
Finally, the planet Earth pulled up in front of me, or maybe we pulled up in front of it! It was magnificent!!! It was a floating marble, just swimming with color. I was ecstatic with awe.
As I peered out over the planet, my Guide, asked me to go back to where I came from. To return. At this, I turned to him and felt something I cannot put into mere words. When I received his intention that I should return, it seemed as if my own perfect mother, was going to turn and leave me, just a toddler, in the middle of a foreign country, and desert me. It was so unexpected. It seemed that something wrenched inside of me and tore in half. Like a curtain, instantaneously shredding. I actually felt myself heave and fall forward, collapsing. The emotional pain was so deep that I could hardly even cry out. It was as the cry imploded within me and I felt that I was fracturing, like shards of glass all about a floor. I felt myself moan without any attempt. It just drained out of me like a cloud so heavy with rain it could no longer hold its moisture and lets down a rush of waterfall. I wailed from a place I've never felt before. It literally felt as if every organ and cell that could be in spirit was bursting with anguish. Every part of me cried out. Telepathically, all I could express was, 'NOOO!!!!!!'
I can't ever go through this part of my NDE without tears and a stinging pain in my chest.
To leave him was the worst imaginable possibility. It felt like the only death there could be. I felt separation, division from my one and only. The devastation I felt was unbearable. It still feels like my heart is being scorched, as I recall.
He came closer to me, I was comforted, and he calmly encouraged me to be strong. He told me to look to my left. As I did, I saw a school bus pull up in the distance. A small child was escorted out and brought to me. I recognized that it was my own daughter, who at the time was only four years old. She had been asked in her sleep to come in spirit to help me. She walked up to me, tugged at me a little and sweetly said in an encouraging voice, 'But Mommy? Who will take care of us?'
Love on the Other Side, at least in my experience is so much bigger, so much more full than here, and you are more honest with your Love, as I experienced it. You cannot turn others away who are in need. At least that was how I felt it and what I was connected to. The Love of God, as I will call it, was connect to and moving through me, there. There was no way I could have turned down my own daughter's plea. Without hesitation, I answered, 'Oh honey, I will, of course!' My daughter was then escorted back to the bus.
My Guide smiled knowingly and reminded me that he was not forcing me to go back, despite what it felt like to me. I looked at him and back at the planet Earth, feeling so frightened, still not wanting to depart and separate from him. The pain of division still seared through me. I cried and told him that I wasn't sure I could do it.
He said, 'Look to your right.' I looked to my right and saw a holographic figure. It was my own mother. It was a view of her in the future, and she seemed tired and in need of help. I will not go into detail here, because I want to respect her privacy, but I felt myself lean toward this futuristic hologram with the desire to touch or help it somehow, even though it wasn't presently occurring. It felt alive to me, and I noted that it seemed as I leaned toward her that I was as a gardener, wanting to prune some foliage.
The hologram faded out and my Guide said, 'You see? It is time. YOU want to go.'
I knew I needed to, but still, I hesitated, anticipating my departure and loss of this One. I cried out, sobbing, 'Please! I can't go without you!' There was a pause and then he answered, 'Very well.' All at once, I felt we were together. We were one. I was safe and calm. I heard him nudge me, 'Point your finger forward. Touch the planet.' This might seem strange, but I reached and saw in form, my own finger reach forward and enter into the energetic field of the planet. I felt a surge of electricity run from the tip of my finger and begin to move up. As it hit the first knuckle, there was an unbelievable pulling sensation. Like a roller coaster ride that whipped me forward.
Then I was back in my dark room at home. But I felt I was disconnected from my body. My husband must have come to bed, because he was now there, sleeping deeply. I could see him and myself. I moved toward my body and tried to connect. I tried to awaken it. I could not. I began to panic. I could not feel any sensation of my body at all. I urgently pressed my husband to wake up, calling out to him, but my voice was not there. I continued trying to move my body from the inside and with no feeling of breath or life; I started to cry out for help. I screamed. Then I felt my Guide there. I felt him say, 'You must push yourself again and again through the throat area. This will trigger a release of energy and he will hear. You must get him to touch you in order to connect.' I could not understand why this would work, but I began to rush through my throat area, over and over, and then I heard a noise come out of the mouth, as the mouth dropped open. It was like a creaking door, slowly opening. A low frog like groan that was just air moving out.
My husband heard this, woke up, and asked, 'Amy? What is it? What's the matter?' I couldn't answer. I tried to scream or cry out to him, but could not. He leaned over and I saw him shake me. I felt through his hands a level of electricity move through me. But I was unable to connect or move. He got up and turned a light on. My eyes were still shut, but I witnessed the look on his face.
He suddenly went very pale and his mouth dropped open. Beads of sweat formed instantly around his hairline. He was perspiring heavily. I'd never seen such a frightened look on his face before. He grabbed me and yanked my body upward toward him, trying to hold me up, shouting, 'AMY!! AMY, AMY!!!' Again and again. He was trying to check my pulse. My head dropped back and he pulled my eyelids open. He was shouting my name. As he continued to shake my body (he later described as being so heavy, it was shocking, even though I was small/petite at the time). I felt electricity beginning to move all over my skin. I felt I was connecting through that electricity. Then, I felt something like a POP, and I was back. I sucked in a long, deep breath and just hung there limply, breathing in and out, deep breaths, and unable to speak.
After a few minutes, my husband was asking, 'What should I do? Should I call 911?' I answered firmly, 'No. I'm fine. Don't call anyone. I just need to sit down for a minute.' He helped me to the other room where I sat on the couch and tried to tell him what had happened. I didn't know where to begin. It took me months to tell him all that I could remember. I still can't write it all here, because just the basics of all that I came to understand would take me weeks to write. I also continued to have Visions, incredible dreams and more experiences that included personal teachings and other very sacred happenings. But I am trying to keep this written format as condensed as possible for the reader's sake! I felt perfectly fine once I'd come back fully into my body. I refused any medical check-up. I was confident and at peace.
Since that time, everything has changed for me. My health has returned. I get stronger and stronger each year. To my own surprise, I found the day after this event that I felt well, except that I could not eat any meat at all. Nor did I have any desire to. I've been a vegetarian since then. I eat many raw organic foods. I don't eat anything with chemical ingredients, and keep my food very pure, for the most part. My children and husband now eats mostly this way too. We are all feeling great.
I could no longer continue with the religion I grew up in. This was not easy for me to walk away from, but I couldn't stay and maintain my own personal Truth and integrity. And yet, I have gratitude for having grown up in that religion and trust that it served its purpose for me. I am also at peace with the religious choices and needs of others.
I found I desired much less. Within the first week after my NDE, I was cleaning out my house, wanting to get rid of many things, a lot of decor, music CDs that I didn't find in harmony with the vibration I desired. I lost my desire to want to shop as much as I had, previously.
I had a good couple of weeks after my return where I could see light in and around everything. I could also see into the realm that is around ours. I could see and feel the vibration of everything around me. All of my senses were much stronger. Too strong, even. I found much of this interesting and enlightening, and some of it a little scary and disturbing. So, after some time, I willed this extra Sight to step back and let me get back to the basics, so to speak. Things did return to almost normal.
I have continued to have the ability to reach, to a certain extent, my Guide. I began, right away to meditate, and connect with my Guide. My prayers became opportunities to just connect, feel and receive rather than plead, worry and ask forgiveness. When I pray for others, I intend to connect and then just calmly and peacefully try to offer a vision of the intended in Love and blessings, trusting in the Highest Will.
Jesus, who had always been my example, continued to be an example for me, but I was less concerned with the technicalities of His story and whether certain details were facts or not, and I embraced the core teaching that was intended to be His Gift - 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' Whether He was real or myth was not the point. I knew it didn't matter. Principle felt to be the Key. I'd also understood other things about the original 'Christ Way' that ended up so corrupted in religion, and I've tried to hold to what I understand as the more original purity, which felt so much more simple to me than what I see as 'all the human interjections.'
I opened my reverence and respect to everyone who was or is an example of this basic teaching - The Golden Rule. I found Good (God) in many places and within the teachings of many religions and ways of thought. Even within atheism, if a man believed in this principle, I recognized 'God' in him. Either way.
Within a couple of days, coming back from my NDE, I stumbled upon a woman who was being consoled by many others. When everyone had dispersed, I asked her what was the matter, and she told me that she'd just found out that her daughter had died. She didn't know why or how she'd died. I asked to see a picture of her daughter, having the strong intuitive sense that I'd met her daughter on the Other Side. I asked her if she'd speak with me; privately and please bring a photo of her daughter.
The next day, she met me at my house. She had a black and white picture of her daughter, but I recognized her, right away. I said, 'Did she have a pretty reddish color to her hair, and the most unusual green eyes?' She answered, 'Yes, she did.' I told her about my NDE and how I'd had this beautiful girl or young woman come and speak to me and ask me to give information to her family. I told her all that I could remember her daughter telling me, and it all made perfect sense to the mother. She told me that shortly before the death, she'd heard from others (she and her daughter had been estranged) that her daughter had begun to sing and had loved it, passionately. Just as I had been told by the young woman. There was private information I was able to offer that gave this woman much comfort. I told her of her daughter's regrets in not having learned more while here and so on. We learned a week later or so, through the coroner, how she'd died, which confirmed for me, what the young woman on the Other Side had said to me about her death and what it was like.
I had many, many wondrous things happen since my NDE. It would be too much to share here, but it's been the greatest thing that could ever happen to me.
I still struggle with my own worldly and personal issues. I only feel more Awakened and Conscious, with some abilities and understanding that have increased. I learned after my return during meditation that I had been pulled into the specific portal with others who had brought themselves to their own demise, because I had for so many years been taking strong medications for my health problems that were slowly killing me. And that I had seen myself as a helpless victim for so long. Being dependent on outside sources to fix problems rather than realize my power to transform within. In my pain and sorrows, I became totally self-absorbed and stagnant in all personal progress. So I learned from seeing the others who had come through in that area that I had to let go of myself. To give up my personal story of being a victim. I gave up all of the labels that doctors had given me for my health problems, and let go of my story of what I thought I was. I work toward humility and try to open myself up to learning and growth. I took full responsibility for my own suffering and blamed no one and no thing. (Although I have my unfortunate days of regressing now and then!) I have been trying to bring back what I remember as the Perfect Love I experienced on the Other Side and become One with it.
Because of the very intimate relationship I have had with suffering, confusion and fear throughout my own life, my hope in finally allowing my near death experience to go forward, is for it to be of whatever possible service it might, to others who can relate on any level with pain; physical, emotional mental or spiritual. I wouldn't want this kind of sharing held from me decades ago when I could have taken in hope through something like this. So although with some admitted trepidation, I offer my near death experience.
Date NDE Occurred: April 2003
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain Allergic reaction 'Doctor prescribed a drug to help me sleep through physical pain. I was allergic and couldn't breathe well with it, but was desperate enough for sleep to try it, as the doctor had pushed and pushed me to take more.' Other 'Not sure.. No one witnessed my ''departure'' to give a technical report of the incidence.'
I was just very unhealthy at the time with chronic pain and unable to sleep. My doctor was trying to help me by offering me any medication he could find that would numb me through the pain - trying things that were not even pain killers, but would have that side effect.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Mixed
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal As above.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? While I was out amidst the stars with my Guide and I was being shown or downloaded with all kinds of Knowledge and Truth, I felt so absorbed and focused, so perfectly present in that moment, that I'd forgotten everything from my life on Earth. I forgot about my husband and children for the time being.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time was different. I had a hard time placing the order of things when trying to explain in order what had happened to me. It felt like it had taken so very long, and that I had been given so much information and knowledge, and yet, I don't think I could have been out of my body for too long, or I don't know how I would have survived. It may have only been minutes. We don't know.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Everything was much more clear and vibrant. You could view everything at many different levels. Not just surface.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard things telepathically. So it doesn't compare. Everything was perfect because I didn't have to strain to hear anything.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes But it was so fast, I guess that I don't recall this part well. I remember more of the sensation than what I saw. It was just a strong pull like a vacuum, and very fast from what I remember.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Those who were moving through the portal, also. Many deceased.
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes I came into different areas, with different degrees of light. The Guide who was with me had so much Light coming from his face.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm Lower, more astral like place, and Higher more Light and beautiful place.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt absolute elation, bliss, utter peace, and at times, sadness, despair and even fear. But each was relevant to what I was watching or learning or choosing to experience.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special Knowledge
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe
The experience included: Life review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control All compassionate. My Guide stayed close by in support. I felt no judgment. I was only there to come to understand myself and others around me. It was wonderful and relieving.
The experience included: Vision of the future
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future In a way, yes I did. But I kept much of this to myself. I also knew that certain basic events could be stretched out due to our own choices as humanity, or sped up. These things for me have been accurate, but I have no sense of time with these things. Everything I have perceived as 'coming,' feels like NOW, and yet, things happen here, chronologically, in an order and in time. So, it confuses me and I often choose to ignore what I sense.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What was your religion prior to your experience? Conservative/fundamentalist LDS/Mormon
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I embrace Good wherever I find it and I have no desire to 'sign-up' or pledge allegiance to any one club or a religion. I also feel that my politics have changed. I am not a conservative patriot as I was raised to be. Nor am I now a liberal democrat. I consider myself independent. I think for myself. It's very liberating.
What is your religion now? Liberal No denomination.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I embrace Good wherever I find it and I have no desire to 'sign-up' or pledge allegiance to any one club or a religion. I also feel that my politics have changed. I am not a conservative patriot as I was raised to be. Nor am I now a liberal democrat. I consider myself independent. I think for myself. It's very liberating.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I came to trust in all things. I realized there is Perfect Order in all. And that God is the essence or breath of life that is in everything and everywhere. My understanding of what I need, religiously, became much more simple - 'Learn to Love.' 'Cause no suffering.' Very basic and beautiful.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes My Mormon relatives are quieter around me. They don't seem as interested in me. Nobody asks about what I experienced or wants to know. And probably because they see that I've changed, and they may worry that I might try and change them. I'm not sure. I have very little desire to try to form friendships or relationships with anyone even slightly superficial. I don't hate superficial people; I just don't have patience for it. I've wanted more honesty - more integrity. I'm not interested in most things that other women are interested in, but that's okay. I do feel bad occasionally, that my own grandparents and relatives worry about my 'salvation' and are saddened by my change in beliefs. I find others that are more like me. I don't know what I'd call myself, but I recognize these people when I meet them, and that makes me happy. A few members of my family have remained very kind to me, but there is very limited desire to hear anything about my experience from me. My mother only just recently started to ask questions. Most of the family either doesn't care, doesn't believe me, or thinks that I must have had mental issues that could have brought it on.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes The emotional aspect of the experience was so intense, I can't find words that are adequate.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes For a while, I could see very well. I could even see at cellular level. I could see something as inanimate as a chair or curtain vibrating. This proved to be too much of a distraction after some time, though, as I was so interested, I couldn't focus on my daily routines, and asked to have it removed. I also can pull into a meditative like focus and receive answers to my own questions, visions, and dreams that have been very prophetic for me and life changing. I've been able to help others with what I've Seen with them, but I keep their information private.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The most significant was being close to my Guide. When he told me it was time for my return. I have never experienced emotion that strong. My love for what I felt there, for the peace I felt with my Guide is so strong that I will be happy to return. I used to fear death immensely, because I saw very little beauty in how 'God' was described to me and what the eternal 'Plan' was. It stopped short in too many places and left me discouraged. I did not desire what I was told. Now, because of my experience, especially with my Guide, and due to the vast amount of beauty I beheld in our Universe, I am at peace and know to leave this body will be wonderful.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes At first, I only shared it with my husband. I came back quite confused in actuality. In the beginning, I was stunned, out of balance, and was trying to describe things I couldn't yet describe, which made me seem a fool. It took me a good year or two before I could logically explain in a way that sounded intelligible.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I knew without a doubt that it was real, but back in my own body and surrounded by the same things that I'd been immersed in before, I began to panic and question what my next step would be. I was afraid and wanted to go back. The world felt very frightening to me. I craved the peace that I'd felt on the Other Side. It took me some time to remember all that I'd learned and remind myself to always trust and be at peace with where I currently was in my existence. It was a difficult transition.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real It is still just as vivid, and as time has gone on, it has made even more and more sense to me. In the beginning, much of it was shocking and so different from the reality I'd understood growing up. Now, as I've spent so much time in meditation and reconnecting, I see it all as totally logical and perfect. It doesn't seem strange to me at all. I'd doubt THIS place before I'd doubt THAT one. Nothing made more sense and was more perfect than what was experienced there.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No