Tricia D Prayers

Experience Description

Years ago, I had an experience that I have never been able to fully explain.

I woke up during the night at approximately 2:00 a.m. I immediately felt drawn to get out of bed, get on my knees, and begin praying. It did not feel like something I consciously decided to do. It felt almost automatic. I simply knew that I needed to kneel and pray.

While I was kneeling on my bed, I became aware of three very large and extremely bright lights behind me and slightly to the right of my shoulder. They seemed to extend almost as high as the ceiling. I never turned around to look directly at them, so I cannot say whether there were physical forms or beings associated with the lights. I simply knew they were there.

What has always stood out to me is that I was not frightened. I never felt threatened or in danger. I began crying, but I was not crying from fear. I continued praying throughout the experience.

The prayers themselves were also unusual. I was raised Catholic and was familiar with Catholic prayers, but I did not recognize these prayers. I did not know where the words were coming from. They seemed to continue automatically, without any conscious effort on my part. Afterward, I could not remember what I had been saying. Even today, I cannot recall the prayers.

At some point, something appeared in front of me that I can only describe as a screen. I do not know how else to explain it. On this screen, I began seeing events from throughout my life, going all the way back to childhood.

Some of the events were significant, but others seemed very ordinary. I saw memories involving my cat and other things that I never would have assumed were important.

It felt like a review of my life. Somehow, I understood that the particular things I was being shown had meaning or importance that I had not necessarily recognized when they happened.

Then the experience changed completely.

I found myself in what I can only describe as a void or open space. It was relatively dark, but there was an enormous light in the distance that illuminated the space. The light did not come toward me, and I did not move toward it. It simply remained there.

What affected me most was the feeling I experienced in that place.

I felt complete and total peace. Every worry, problem, and emotional burden from my life was gone. I felt completely free from the chaos of ordinary life.

I also had the very clear feeling that I had been there before. Somehow, I knew this place.

My feeling was, "I've been here before. I know this place. This feels like home."

I did not want to leave.

I remember thinking that I never wanted to return to the chaos and emotions of ordinary life. I had never experienced that degree of peace and freedom before. The distant light also felt familiar to me, although I cannot explain why.

Then I became aware that I was back in my bedroom. I was still on my knees, still crying, and still praying.

At that point, the life review began again.

I became upset because I did not want to see it again. However, the second review was different from the first.

This time, I was not simply being shown events from my life. I was being shown, or somehow made to understand, how my choices, actions, and decisions had affected other people.

Some of those effects were positive, and some were negative. It was as though I was seeing my life from a completely different perspective. Instead of simply seeing what had happened to me or what I had done, I was seeing the consequences my actions had in the lives and feelings of other people.

This part is difficult to put into words because it was more than simply remembering something. I felt that I was being given an understanding of the impact my life had had on others.

Throughout all of this, I continued praying. I still did not understand the prayers, and I could not consciously control or remember them.

The experience had begun at approximately 2:00 in the morning. When everything finally stopped, sunlight was coming through my window. It was approximately 6:30 a.m.

The three lights behind me were gone.

I got up from my knees and collapsed onto my bed. I remember thinking, "What in the world just happened to me?"

I was fully alive during this experience. I was not sick, injured, undergoing surgery, close to death, or experiencing a medical emergency. I also do not believe it was sleep paralysis. I was able to move, kneel, pray, cry, and remain in that position for hours.

I have never been able to determine exactly what happened.

Later, I spoke with my priest about the experience. One of the first things he asked was whether I had felt afraid or threatened. I told him that I had not.

Despite how extraordinary the experience was, I never felt fear. I simply felt that I needed to kneel, pray, and allow whatever was happening to happen.

My priest wondered whether the experience might have involved the Holy Spirit. However, he also acknowledged that he had never personally experienced anything like it and did not really have an explanation for me.

I am sharing this experience because I would very much like to find other people who have experienced something similar without being near death.

I am especially interested in hearing from people who have experienced unusual lights or perceived presences, spontaneous prayer, a life review, an overwhelming sense of peace, a feeling of familiarity with another place, or a review in which they were shown how their actions affected other people.

More than anything, I would like to know that there are other people who understand what an experience like this is like.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 05/04/2012

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? I was completely awake.
This was not a dream of any sort. I was completely conscious of everything happening, even that my children were sleeping in the room. I could see them.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
When this started it was 2:00 a.m. By the time the whole process ended, there was a light coming through my window and it was almost 6:30. Just as quick as it came, the whole light was gone and my room was back to normal.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience It was more of a pinpoint, so this is the best way I can describe it. I felt like my room was much larger, and the area I was in was very confined to what was happening to me specifically. My children's bed seemed further away than normal, as if they were not supposed to be experiencing what I was right then. What strikes me the most is knowing that there were three lights behind me that were extremely tall, but I never turned to look at them, just knowing the presence was there.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I do not remember hearing anything. It seemed like everything was being told to me subconsciously and shown to me, and everything was in thought. Especially when I was taken to that place that felt like I was suspended and I felt like I had been there before. I just remember thinking how peaceful I was and that I had felt this before. I don't remember hearing anything, and I don't remember saying anything out loud at all.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes
I went through what I can describe as some kind of tunnel that led me to this void. I can't remember much of the tunnel part because I think that might have been the only time I was feeling a little bit of confusion.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
There were clearly three beings in my room that emitted immense light behind me, and when I was taken to that void area there was a light in front of me that never got closer, but I was aware of it.

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
This is where I call the void. What it felt like was suspending in space. I knew what was home or where I was supposed to be was behind me, but there was a very bright presence in front of me that I also knew was familiar. It was far away. It never got closer, but I remember thinking I've seen this all before. I've been here before. I felt this peace before. All of this looks familiar and seems familiar.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Calmness, sadness, happiness, peacefulness, and confusion afterwards.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt no longer in conflict with nature

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
So something that I've noticed since this experience is that things don't seem real all the time. When I look at them, I almost feel different from other people now, but I know this isn't where I belong anymore because I've seen this other place and felt it, and I know I've been there before, maybe many times. I wouldn't say I necessarily understand everything about the universe, but I certainly see the world differently and don't believe everything I see anymore. In other words, I can see people's intentions more. I definitely grew into a more transcendent state where I didn't feel attached to a lot of things like I used to.

Did scenes from your past come back? My past flashed before me, out of my control
It seemed like my entire life was being shown to me, but things that I wouldn't have thought were important at the time. A lot of it I don't remember what I saw, I just know they were memories, some of which I had completely forgotten about. Unfortunately, a lot of the things I was shown I cannot remember, and I've tried very hard to remember them.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian - Catholic
I was leaving organized religion behind at the time and was just more spiritual and closer with my faith in many ways, or at least questioning many things.

Have your religious practices changed? Yes

What is your religion now? Christian - Catholic

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I had left Catholicism and organized religion after my dad's suicide in 2008. I had always questioned so much as a child that I would get in trouble in Catholic school because I was always asking for more answers and saying that things didn't make sense. I would get kicked out of classes and be told I was asking too many questions. I believed there was more truth out there that we weren't being told, but nobody could explain it to me. After the experience, I don't need those answers anymore because I feel like I've been shown them. I never needed a miracle to happen, and all these years I've been asking for some sign that there is something after death. Those things aren't questions anymore, and it validated a lot of what I had been asking ever since I was a child.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
My faith grew extremely strong, and nothing will ever get in between that again.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
Even though there were no words spoken, I knew that I was being told there was a purpose to life and that everything we do has an effect on others and ourselves. That every little thing matters and has a consequence, whether it be good or bad. That was a definite theme of what I was being told subconsciously.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
I came out with a specific knowing that there is something bigger than what we understand, and that whatever that light was that I was seeing in front of me was where my energy was supposed to go, but I wasn't going there. I knew that I was going to go back the whole time. I never felt like I was going to be stuck in limbo. After this experience, I grew closer in my faith only because I truly believe that this had to have been a spiritual experience, and I have no choice but to accept that.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes
Everything we do has an effect on others. Every decision we make can change someone's life or our own. Every ounce of love we give matters, and every bit of hatred we exude is a ripple effect.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes
To reiterate, I just felt like I was focused so much on this Earth and attached to so many things that just don't matter to me anymore. I understand that I have a purpose, and as a mother to a profoundly disabled 26-year-old boy, I think everything was starting to come together. I was able to remember even just telling my father at a young age that I was going to have a child like this. All of those memories started returning to me. It made me start to realize that not all the decisions I've made were my own, and that my son and his role in my life was also a substantial part of my life journey.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
During this experience, when I came out of it, all I remember thinking is that it's true that energy can't be destroyed, it can only be transferred, and that just kept going through my mind. I have always questioned so much in life, so when this happened I had a hard time believing that this had really happened to me. I had a feeling of being detached from the earth and feeling like I don't belong here, but I have always felt that way, even more so afterwards. It was only within a few months that things that I was so attached to, like pictures from childhood of old friends and things that I had been holding on to, just seemed meaningless, and I was able to start letting go of some of the things that I held on so tightly because I knew there was more to life now. That's the best way I can explain it.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes
I subconsciously understood that the struggles here are real, and then there is a place that exists where you don't feel any of that, where everything is just peaceful, and I think we've all been there before. I really think this is a place that we've all been at some point, but I was just lucky enough to go back to it. I also started looking at people differently. Where I used to judge people more, now I have a little bit more compassion and start thinking about why that person may be that way. I also have extreme boundaries that I didn't use to have. I used to be very open and overshare. I used to fixate on my son's health and be terrified of losing him, and those things aren't quite as prevalent anymore in my psyche. It's almost like I just feel like I was gifted some kind of insight that I'm serving a purpose here.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
Subconsciously I remember feeling at the end of this that I've been looking for love my entire life, and I was never going to find the love that I had between my son and me, and that the love that he gives me is the most intense love there is. So I think I was gifted that insight.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
I used to be extremely extroverted and attend as many events as I could, a bit of a social butterfly, but since this experience I've learned to choose where I go and who I talk to and be more guarded in my openness to people. I also see people differently and don't get offended by small things anymore.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
I have tried for years to explain this to people and ask anyone if they have had something like this, especially being a nurse. I've attempted to explain it to so many people who tell me it's sleep paralysis, and that's not what I experienced. I was fully conscious. I was not scared. I was both happy and sad, but also felt shame and naked, sort of, in my emotions.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I've often wondered and asked why I can't remember the life review, the pictures, and a lot of what I saw that was making me cry or feel guilty, but little things have come back, little moments that I remember seeing. This was the most real experience I've ever had in my entire life, and for someone who has always been underwhelmed by most things that people think are fascinating, this experience was the first time in my life where I was absolutely in awe and remember so much of every moment of it, and it hasn't left me.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
Since this experience I get flashes of pictures that sometimes I don't know what they are. Sometimes it takes a minute for them to form. Sometimes they are very quick. Recently a friend of mine asked me to tell him if I could get anything from a watch that he had, because I told him that I would like to understand what these pictures are that flash in my head sometimes. So I thought maybe if I held something with some kind of meaning, I would be able to pick something up. As I was holding the watch, I saw two people in a hall. I was in a bird's eye view, and I saw a woman hand the watch to the man who had me hold it for him. I explained the layout of the house and where the watch was given to him, and I was right. His best friend died, and his mother gave him the watch in the hallway, and the way I described the layout of the home was exactly the way he said it happened. I have always had these pictures that would flash in my head even as a child, but now I understand that they might have more meaning and significance. Since this experience, I see faces and I don't know who they are. Sometimes I wonder if they're just people passing over that I am seeing. As a nurse I could sense people that were much sicker than they understood, and I even had a doctor comment that there are nurses that can sense those kinds of things. I can no longer work in the oncology department because I can feel too much with my patients.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? There are so many. But most important is the fact that I no longer question if I have a purpose or what life would be like if I wasn't in it. I understand deeply that each of us has some meaningful role in this world, and it's what we choose to do that matters the most.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I told my son and my mom a couple days after the experience, but they didn't understand what I was talking about and they kept telling me it was a dream. It took me almost 8 years before I spoke to my priest, who told me that it sounded like I was visited by the Holy Spirit, especially because I wasn't scared or didn't feel fear. I just didn't feel like that was the answer that I was looking for because it felt deeper than that. No one I have talked to has told me they've ever experienced anything like this, so I have just sort of given up on sharing it because I know how excited I am to tell people about it, but I know they don't understand what I'm talking about.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
As a nurse, I've seen lots of near-death experiences. The issue with my experience is that I was not sick, I was not in any bad mental state, and I was not dying.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
There was no question as to what happened to me, as I cried the entire 4 and 1/2 hours. I was exhausted when the light was gone and the daylight was coming through the window. I just lay on my bed in pure exhaustion. I had absolutely no doubt that what I had just experienced was absolutely real, and it just took me a long time to try and understand what I experienced and why.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
If anything, the experience seems more real now than it did then. Perhaps because I've had time to sit down and think about it, and there's just no question about the sequence of events of what happened that evening. Without a doubt, with 100% certainty, I am positive that whatever happened to me that evening was a very strong wake up call. I also had the sense of how dare I all my life be questioning if God is real. How dare I question things that I already knew. And even after all that, to even doubt for a second would feel like I was diminishing what that experience was.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes