Steven Damour NDE

Experience Description

I am seven years old. It is a school day. A day when, although I have been awake for a while, I do not feel like getting up. This is not like me. I feel a tightening in my knees, like a painless stiffness. Maintaining a vertical position seems impossible. I force myself, I insist. Nothing works. I find myself on legs devoid of strength, bowed and wobbly. I walk hunched over, using the walls for support and only for short distances. But each attempt is more difficult than the last, and my legs quickly become unable to support me. My mother takes my temperature and finds I have nearly 39°C.

I am not hungry. I am hot. I am cold. I have a headache. I remain lying down, as I can no longer bear the weight of my body. My mother decides to call emergency services. She briefly explains my case. The emergency doctor arrives many long hours after the call. He looks at me briefly. Takes my temperature under my arm. According to him, I now have 40°C. No other observations, he is in a hurry. Diagnosis: flu-like state with high fever. A few days of rest and everything will be fine. The next day, seeing that I can no longer get up and that my temperature has exceeded 40°C, my mother calls the emergency doctors again. She explains that the symptoms are worsening and that she is worried. A new doctor, same diagnosis. Except the symptoms have evolved. I have a terrible headache and my vision is impaired. Although clear, I am starting to see triple. Nothing too serious, a little rest, it's a nasty flu! It would take more than 40 hours of suffering and questions, a fever above 42°C, and a third doctor to decide to have me taken to the hospital. He had barely observed me before diagnosing meningitis. He calls an ambulance urgently. I have no idea how long it will take to arrive; I am in a fog. As the paramedics strap me in and carry me to the doorway of our fourth-floor walk-up, I begin to gradually lose consciousness. I vaguely remember going down the stairs of the first two floors and then nothing. I regain my consciousness fully a few seconds later when my body enters the ambulance. It is as if I have left my body. I see myself above it, still inside the ambulance, lying next to two people who seem to be discussing my condition.

I have the impression of being free from all suffering and that I no longer require care. I feel fine, a little confused perhaps, but mostly very surprised. If someone had been able to ask me, I could have answered that I was perfectly fine and that they could take me back home. This did not last very long, as I lost consciousness during the journey and finally fell into a coma.

Fragmented memories like in a dream. I see scenes from my life flash by, significant ones, from the most recent to the oldest. Mostly familiar scenes. An end-of-year kindergarten show that I had loved and a teacher I loved like a mother. A forgotten scene, a spanking my father gave me for trying to make his coffee one morning. I was very small, maybe 3 or 4 years old, and I had emptied the refrigerator onto the floor and mixed everything with eggs and coffee. I remembered being very proud of myself and having been meticulous in my choices. But mostly, I remembered being very disappointed to disappoint my father. I saw myself again with my Slavic grandmother, Baba, looking at family photos. Apart from this recollection, I had never had the slightest memory of it; I did not know I had known her. It was later, when mentioning this specific memory to my parents, that I learned I had met her at the age of two and that she died shortly after that single trip to France. I was able to describe the photos precisely. All these memories came back to me in an amplified form regarding emotions and details, some of which were insignificant. As if I were watching a film and could pause at will to observe everything in detail. As if I were swimming in a subconscious that had memorized everything completely. And then… nothing more. I died. Well, not quite.

Diagnosis: Cerebrospinal Meningococcal Meningitis.

My parents were informed; I was taken care of too late. My chances of surviving are low, and in any case, my brain will be permanently damaged.

It is very dark when I wake up. A profound darkness, very faintly tinged with red or orange. I can no longer see myself. I no longer feel my body. I seem to exist only through my consciousness. A very limited consciousness, because I am not thinking of anything at that moment. I seem to be enjoying the comfort of the situation. How much time has passed? Where am I? But also, who am I really? The only certainty I have is that I do not exist individually. I have no physical limits or a tangible bodily envelope. Yet this does not worry me at all. On the contrary. I may have never felt so good. I am not afraid, nor do I have any sensations either. I have no more weight, no more body to carry, no more constraints. I am well. I feel like I am levitating. It is pleasant; my well-being is extreme. It is only when one can no longer bear one's body that one realizes how heavy and tense it was. I feel pristine, free of everything. I am not an individual, but a part of a whole and the whole itself. With a total letting go.

Losing the 'I' is the greatest loss for an individual. But it is losing what costs us the most, and it is also becoming free. That is what I felt. The fullness of losing the ego. The loss of self-doubt, of the need to prove oneself. What happiness! It is pleasant, everything is calm, soft like cotton. I feel loved without knowing if someone loves me. No more time, no more stress. No more days or nights. Only a frozen twilight.

Impossible to know how long I have been here. I have just arrived, I think, even though I feel like I have been here forever. It is not easy to find one's bearings when one has no reference points. It is now an ocean of very soft, subdued light here, and I am bathing in it. Blissfully. Is this nirvana, paradise? Nothing better can exist. But where is God? Where are the others? There is only me. And even then, I doubt it since I cannot see myself and cannot use my limbs to verify that I am real. Yet I feel very good. Well beyond imaginable. All this seems familiar and not at all worrying. I am not cold, I am not hot. The temperature is ideal, fixed. Perhaps I am no longer sensitive to the outside temperature. I am relaxed and seem indifferent, a stranger, to the stimuli of the outside world. What happened? Where am I? I feel like I know nothing else. I have no memories, I seem not to exist, and my world is deserted. Everything is serene, blissful, and empty. And all this seems natural to me. I am neither worried nor confused. I have no mouth, I cannot see the tip of my nose. I am not sure I can hear, and I cannot verify if I have sensory organs since I have no arms. In my new world, there is nothing to do. There is nowhere to go. There is only this light, gentle and silky, in this reassuring darkness. There is no person or object to contemplate or interact with.

The situation has just evolved. Something is happening. No more gracious enjoyment! Is this the moment to settle accounts? Was I going to have to leave this seventh heaven? Now I am sliding on a plane that is clearly horizontal… unless I am being sucked or magnetized? It is slight, but regular. It is also worrying! The darkness has diminished. I perceive these nuances, both red and orange, better. Let's say they are slowly transforming from light red to warm orange and back again. I seem to resist the attraction by the same enchantment that composes this parallel reality. I do not want to leave. Here I feel loved by the entire universe. Nothing other than coercion could motivate me. That is perhaps why this force is imposing itself. It must know that nothing will make me leave here, just as nothing will motivate me to act. I have grown accustomed to living here, for an indefinite time that seems infinite, in the form of an ectoplasm. A soul at rest, a timeless solitary being. A sage with infinite patience.

My constrained and timeless self-denial is about to receive its reward. A meaning to all this. The brightness has increased slightly in intensity. This is not unpleasant. As the light is still diffuse, I cannot locate a source any better. Then, a concentrated white point of light appears gradually in the distance. It fascinates me in a way, but I am reassured that it is far away. Finally, something observable! Although I enjoy contemplating it, I have no desire to approach it. The point gradually comes closer and becomes uncomfortable to stare at. Through will alone, I manage to turn away from it. I do not know if I was frozen like stone; I have just moved for the first time since I have been here. Or perhaps, thanks to this reference point, I become aware of my ability to move. The point of light comes closer still, gaining intensity. It begins to outline a corridor in a gradient from yellow to warm orange light. It is magnificent. This environment is becoming more and more beautiful; it is a constant pleasure! Although this light source worries me, I am captivated by what it is drawing.

Emerging from the shadows, I now slowly move toward the light. As if magnetized, I levitate toward this charming but worrying demon of fire. I am slightly afraid, but no more than that. I am moving forward. Perhaps I am being pushed, as I cannot turn around to look back. My progress is very slow. Sometimes, I feel I have the choice not to reach the light. The point of light approaches and grows. Although practically white at its center, it is not blinding, and I have finally grown accustomed to it. Features become clearer. A vault. No, they are doors! A double door, rather. Vaulted at its top. Like a large cathedral entrance door, a portal. There is nothing around or above it. The vault forms the ceiling. In its center appears the source of light. It is almost insignificant in size, but I still cannot stare at it for too long; it is intense. As I approach it, still very slowly, it grows larger. I am very afraid now. My attempts at resistance having yielded nothing, I begin to understand that I will not be able to go back. But while my fear increases a little, I remain captivated by this light, my new and only companion in this world. And this question haunts me, seeming to come from elsewhere: 'Do you want to cross the threshold?' And I try to answer with my will alone: 'No! I am very well here!'

Sometimes I feel like I am managing to slow my progress. But yet the light comes closer. Its glow outlines a corridor that seems to envelop me. Although the light is very strong, it seems to only slightly brighten the shadows surrounding me. The inevitable collision is very near. The doors are now open and let through a torrent of light. I perceive nothing else but a strong discomfort, yet curiously no suffering. I will soon pass through the portal. I cannot fight. I am at the mercy of events. I cross the threshold, swirling in the ocean of light. I then find myself in absolute, white, immaculate light.

I am filled with a new sense of well-being. There, a being of light welcomes me. I feel like I am rising toward it. It is magnificent, warm, and filled with love for me. Its features are luminous, blinding, but I gradually manage to discern a humanoid face. Then, the space fades and, like a fog, gradually dissipates and clearly outlines a creature that is staring at me and wants to communicate with me. Although it is harmless and intrigues me, it frightens me. Is it an angel? Is it God? I cannot discern its features well; the light is very strong. Its magnificent eyes fix on me; they fascinate me. I wish time would stop so I could lose myself in that gaze. Then I accompany it toward another creature, a sort of guide, who was waiting for me.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date of NDE: 3/8/1981

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
Coma in the context of cerebro-spinal meningitis, treated in the terminal phase with a high chance of death or a very damaged brain.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
After exceeding 42 degrees in temperature, I ended up falling into a coma in the stairs of my building, during transport on a stretcher by paramedics. But once in the street, I left my body and saw them put me in the ambulance and talk about me. I was out of my body, relaxed, and I tried to tell them that they could take me back home, that everything was fine now. While I was in a coma from meningitis that had been seriously worsening for already 72 hours and my life was in danger, I was dying.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? In the middle
I felt as if I were one with my environment, feeling everything, perceiving all the details as in slow motion.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual
Time seemed to slow down

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Before, I was a kind of robot programmed for success. First in my class in first grade then first in second grade. First in all subjects. Upon returning, I was no longer interested in attending classes; I only thought about my NDE and understanding and explaining what I had experienced. I never became interested in school again; I found it had no meaning, that what we learned there was not fundamental or even interesting.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience During the experience, I heard what is called Om or Aum. A dull buzzing sound. I had never heard it before.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes
A very dark tunnel at first, then after an infinite time, a small light appeared in the distance. As it approached, it illuminated the tunnel which became red-orange.

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
A small light appeared in the distance. It seemed to approach me very very slowly. I understood later that it was me who was attracted, gliding towards it. It captivated me, it was like magic. I was so fascinated that I couldn't look away. I remember being afraid of the collision and that despite its beauty, I didn't want to leave my cocoon.

Did you seem to enter another world? Some unfamiliar and strange place
The entire journey was in an unknown and strange place, all my sensations were different.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I explain it in my testimony. It was a state resembling the effects of morphine: paroxysmal well-being, no bodily sensations, a fixed smile, absolute happiness, and I did not want to leave it by going towards the light, feeling constrained.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
I had the impression of being one with everything

Did scenes from your past come back? I remembered many past events
I have already answered just before

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
I came back to life after being welcomed by the being of light.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Atheist
I had no beliefs; my mother was Christian and my father was Orthodox.

Have your religious practices changed? No

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated - Atheist

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
It was a magical, wonderful world. My family was rational (Cartesian), and I knew nothing mystical, paranormal, or religious. None of my meager knowledge could have prepared me for, or suggested, that.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
Created and shaped to serve an ego, I became a man in the service of others, exclusively. I am incapable of doing things for myself or enjoying them without sharing (including trips or other activities, meals, etc.).

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
When I came out into the light, a person was waiting for me and welcomed me. It was a luminous being, who shimmered. Its gaze captivated me.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
I had the impression of being one with everything. This impression lasted 99% of the time of the experience. It faded when I came out into the light.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes
I had this feeling of knowing everything and understanding everything. I think it was an illusion, a feeling.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? No

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
I realized that love was the meaning of life, something I did not suspect at all before my NDE. I was a 7-year-old child, raised by a mother who gave me no affection or love and a very reserved father who did not show his feelings. Nothing prepared me for this; I didn't even know that love existed or the very meaning of that word.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
It would take an encyclopedia to describe all the changes. I went from being a perfect robot created to build an ego and achieve success; I was promised a great career. The NDE made me free but alone. I've had 73 jobs, conceptualized over 300 inventions, became a pure empiricist, and learned through observation alone until I could explain practically everything without any external teaching. I am self-taught in many fields and capable of explaining things that are still unknown as if everything were obvious. After my NDE, I felt as if someone was whispering everything to me; I felt like I knew everything. People who know me or my family all consider me a genius. I have never really had confidence in myself; I don't consider myself very intelligent. This NDE marginalized me; I never understood the codes of society. But I have done a lot for others, such as healing them, explaining many things to them, or enabling them to have great careers. I could have been very rich, but I have always given everything away, incapable of keeping anything for myself.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
The NDE marginalized me; it cut me off from this abject and senseless society.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
I didn't have the vocabulary to express what I had experienced, aside from the life review. And no one seemed to believe me, so I ended up staying silent and keeping it to myself.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I have remembered this experience all my life as if I had just lived it. Upon returning to life, coming out of a coma so to speak, I lived in a world of extreme violence and was attacked almost every day. I was terribly stressed and developed anxieties, neuroses, and phobias. To reassure myself, in the evening I would go to bed by immersing myself back into my NDE, and I would feel its benefits, which soothed me. This helped me throughout my youth, until I was able to discover how to treat and then cure all my psychological problems; then I used this knowledge to help others, which I have done all my life and will do until my death.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
People often tell me that I am a medium and don't understand how I have so much knowledge. They don't even know that I have never read anything, and I prefer not to say it.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Already said in my long account.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
Exactly 30 years (apart from the time when I came out of the coma and tried to talk about it to the doctors and family)

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
This experience is as real as me writing this now. It cannot in any way correspond to a dream.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
This experience has never left me; I can replay it entirely in slow motion (not the same as in the NDE). I have memorized all the details and all the sensations.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes
I have already had 2 out-of-body experiences later in my life. And I received an injection of morphine during a surgery during which I woke up, and the well-being and letting go were very close to the NDE.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
It is important for me to be very rigorous, and I have added nothing to my NDE, not even beliefs or assumptions that I might have drawn from it.