Robin S STE

Experience Description

So, this was a particularly lucid and vivid dream I experienced while in the last few months of my nursing education. I had decided on oncology nursing as my chosen career path, chiefly because I was very fearful of death myself. I was twenty-one years old, and I had never seen anyone die, but I knew that I was going to be dealing with death, grief, and fear profoundly in my professional life. It struck me, though again, I was afraid of death, as an encounter with the holy of holies. Because it was so much larger than me, and everybody else. A huge, universal, transitional experience. So I was worried about my own lack of having anything of value to offer to folks going through it, except a willingness to be there with someone actually dying, regardless of what was on the other end of that, even if it was oblivion. Because I had hopes at that age, but no real surety that there was anything else but what was right in front of my face.

Anyway, I was having a perfectly standard and ordinary dream one night, and all of a sudden that dream was pre-empted. That is the best word for it. All the story and progression of what I was dreaming just cut out, the space I was in went insubstantial, very liminal in feel, and a no-nonsense voice said, 'Do you want to know what it feels like to die?'

And my brain said, 'Huh.' And I felt myself kind of cross-referencing all the above and measuring my base of where I was with where I needed or wanted to be, in terms of my level of understanding. Meanwhile, I am getting the sense from the voice that this is a time-critical opportunity, and now is the time.

I said yes.

Instantly, I feel my self being almost snatched up and hustled somewhere at uncanny speed. It was a sort of blurred rush of travel, and then my vision comes back online just as I come hurtling through a ceiling. I see that there is a very old, ill-looking man in a hospital bed, alone in a room.

I have just enough time to register him from the outside before feeling myself flipped around into a supine position and being dropped bodily into him.

So, I can feel myself laid out in the same position as him, kind of like my body is encased within his, almost like I am the hand inside of his glove, I suppose. And the other thing I can feel is all of his physical sensations, as his body is in the process of dying itself.

I had not yet gone through labor and childbirth at that point in my life, but there were some similarities. His body was struggling with breath, organs failing, the weight of his illness. He was busy, physically, and it was a lot.

He did not feel especially as if he was aware that I was there, but I was very much aware of him and the magnitude of what he was going through. I felt compassion and love for him as he was moving through this. I felt how human he was and how much his life had mattered. That was also a lot to be experiencing, everywhere and all at once.

And as all this was moving through me because I was there with him, I became aware of a very distinct feeling that began in the physical cells that made up this man’s toes, because my toes were occupying that same physical space, somehow. The closest way to describe it would be to imagine the chills you might get when you hear a transcendent piece of music, or see something incredibly beautiful or meaningful to you, or even that little quiver or shiver of delight when you get into a car that has been parked in a sunny spot on a really cold day and your car seat is just blissfully warm. Okay, that kind of quiver-shiver sensation, but dial it all the way up. And now add a tuning fork ringing, and the sound sensation of rushing wind, and the feeling of a really good laugh, or an orgasm in your body. All of that, simultaneously. That is the sensation in our toes.

I have just enough time or sense to notice that much when all of the above turns into a rushing sweep of movement that flows upwards through this body. Every cell in us vibrates as the sweep just rockets onward and upward, until I feel it, and him, just leap or fly out the crown of our own head with a mighty, joyous cry of, 'I am free!'

And I am utterly sobbing, weeping for joy for him, for the magnificence of what has just happened. I can feel my face wet, my throat gasping and aching, my heart thundering. It is the most wonderful sensation I have ever experienced in my life and I am unutterably grateful for it. And as I am lying there, trembling and marveling and rejoicing for that man, I become gradually aware that I am still encased in a rapidly cooling, thoroughly deserted, entirely insensate hunk of dead flesh. And it occurs to me that I have no idea how to get out. And I say, tentatively, 'Uh, guys?'

Whoosh. I am back in the indeterminate waiting room space. And the no-nonsense, but also now humorous, voice says, 'That is how it is to die.'

And then I woke up. I have never forgotten it.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 00/00/1979

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No
My teacher was dying alone, probably in a hospital room. No one was there but me, and that was under unusual circumstances.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Once the pre-emption of the dream happened, I was aware of processing things very quickly and with extraordinary vividness.
I have access to the same level of consciousness I experienced in the lucid dream because it was meant as an accessible state I would need to draw upon. It was meant to be in my toolbox. I’ve told many terminally diagnosed people about this dream when I felt a specific prompt to do so. I’ve also phrased it as a lucid dream so they can receive it or disregard it themselves, depending on what best serves their own life and death journey. It’s just what I saw, felt, and heard. We are all here to be ourselves entirely. I would not interfere with another soul’s path.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Both fast and slow. Time seemed telescoped and refolded to get me from one point to another, but the event itself had to be arrived at promptly or be missed.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I had a sense of being removed from normal time and experienced heightened awareness for the duration of the experience. I had the sense that I was being offered an educational opportunity, due to where I had decided to go professionally as an oncology nurse, and also because I was aware of my deficits in the depth, compassion, centeredness, and service that I could offer because of my youth and inexperience at the time.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I am someone who tastes sounds and hears movement. So I would say those blended capacities were enhanced for the duration of the experience, but I felt that was from choices I made to dial up my receptivity while the broadcast end was also letting more presence come through. There was choice on both ends.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain
A sensation of traveling at tremendous speed. It was blurry and whirling.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? Yes
I was exquisitely aware of someone who was in the process of releasing bodily life from his cells because that particular body was done.

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter another world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I was there to learn, first of all. Also to be with this man and share the space of his leaving, I guess. I absolutely felt his joy, his freedom, his exultation, and I felt all of that for him as well. It gave me an idea of being a bridge keeper, which is just how I constructed the meaning and application afterward with my patients. I would stand on the embodied side of the bridge and hold their hands as they worked their way across, all the while holding the felt experience of what that man and I had experienced as his life shook, sang, rang, and rejoiced its way out of his cells. Sort of holding my known light out for each one of them, because I had already been there.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about myself or others
Within the particular lived and died experience I was brought into, I understood a great deal. It was specifically presented as a learning experience I had requested without knowing it, and it was meant to make precisely the impression on me that it did.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes
The dying man’s actual body. As in, 'This is a container. This is how life is released from this container. Here is the contrast between a container infused with life (even if it’s very uncomfortable, while still a thing of reverence and beauty) and a container from which our essence has departed.' I felt that last stage with some uneasiness. I could not infuse the man’s cells; I was a guest in his body. What it felt like, somewhat, was suddenly being in a completely occlusive sack of raw, dead, and already decaying meat. Not great. But yes, a limiting physical structure—absolutely.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life
As described above, I wasn’t dead, but I was in a dead body. I knocked on it so they would hopefully let me out.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian - Protestant
I was not particularly comfortable with Christianity at the time, but I was surrounded by people who were really sure about it. I have always been a questioner, and that was not met well in my family of origin.

Have your religious practices changed? No

What is your religion now? Jewish
I respond to the draw of that which is larger, fuller, and more expansive beyond physical circumstances in almost all spiritual traditions and disciplines. My sense is that I have participated fully and devotedly in just about all of them, in one lifetime or another. I respond to the thread of God that is woven through them. It's the way finite human lives try very hard to make sense of that which is infinite and beyond what an individual, or an individual religious tradition or doctrine, can hold. Religions are a bit like the flavor notes of God, and God is marvelously and infinitely delicious. So no one religious note is ever going to capture that. Religions are our individual, human, extremely temporary and finite impressions and responses to God. Once we are outside of the envelopes and physical vessels necessary for having a human experience, it feels like the flavor team we held onto and identified with in that lifetime is less necessary than it was at the time. It's an identity marker, but not the full experience. The same goes for gender, nationality, race, and sexual preference. These are also temporary vessels to be experienced.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
Because I was aware of not knowing how I fit into any of the extremely loud and contentious religious positions that surrounded me, I was delighted not to have to deal with anything more than the assignment at hand.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? No

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
A teaching voice, making use of a particular opportunity. 'Emergent Curriculum' is a good term for what happened.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
It was known that I needed more information and understanding and — most important — definitive confidence that came from my own previous incarnations, so that I could trust myself here. I needed the assurance to listen to what Source was telling me, because this life in particular was designed to challenge all possible connection with Love or Soul. That was a hereditary chain I came this time to break. I could not have done that (and I have) without dreams like this one. I have, thankfully, been granted some others.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
It was limited, in that very specific dream, to being between myself and that dear man. But there was also an awareness of a specific shared and human understanding because it was all about learning and our willingness to learn from each other. It was an entirely gracious and moving experience. I was allowed, by that man and by the greater whole, to feel so much of importance.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
There is definitely a guiding presence that appears to have agency and oversight. I had asked for something very specific. Something much bigger than me was providing that.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes
I was still in my particular 'trench,' I knew why I was there, and I still had a bunch of work I was right here, right now to do.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes
Learning. Mercy. Compassion. Work. Ultimate freedom and gratitude for the physical body.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
Nothing I hadn't been clear on before the experience, at least on a cellular, non-experiential level. But it has to be an actual choice we make while in the body. I wasn't with folks who were modeling that, or not with any degree of competence. I felt the love and wonder during that man's transition, and that process reaffirmed what was already a connection to the larger language of Soul's existence. And I sure needed that! But I understood that I was meant to still be 'in the trenches,' and that was something for me to keep working on. I was still wearing my 'human' and that was the plan.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
That experience was greatly helpful in the years I have lived after. Professionally certainly, and personally even more so. I am still not real keen about calling 'God' by that name. That human connotation is nothing but human-bound, therefore can only catch the barest fragments of the reality. Also, it is incredibly culturally charged and purposefully manipulated to serve narratives of human power only. 'God', wearing human connotations, is almost an obscenity in comparison to what IS. It's a language, patriarchal, historical injury problem, so we're not going to solve it in words anyway. I suppose that Presence thoughtfully slips into the guise that any one of us is first able to receive Presence in, once we've slipped out of our own envelopes? Just to cut down on the shock of that transmission. I'm not sure of that, but content to be surprised at the arrival gate, I guess.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
Because my best-case scenario was true? And I could live from the premise that love actually mattered, even if I wasn't experiencing good models for that reality in my present lifetime.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Because it was given to me as a specific and purposefully 'shareable' experience, it happened somatically as well as intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. So it was absolutely rooted in my lived and bodily experience. All the learning modalities were deliberately engaged, by me and by the 'team'. So it absolutely stuck with me, was always retrievable, and always within my capacity to find words for. It was incredibly helpful for precisely the purpose I needed it for. Five stars, no notes.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
It was a timely reminder that I could trust my perceptions. That my perceptions were necessary and valid, given the life I had chosen. It has been an ongoing process of learning to trust the messengers because my first twenty years had been a horror show of having self-agency and self-trust bludgeoned out of me.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? As my first thread of a greater narrative, and as the first sign that I was not crazy to believe there was more than what my parents were bent on showing me my life was about.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
Within a year or two, with folks who were also in the process of dying. I phrased it as the whole experience being a preemptive dream, and with the caveat that this was just the experience and the assumptions I was coming from. I also stayed with a lot of them during and through their deaths, holding my end of that bridge.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
I had read some books. I desperately hoped they were true. Death terrified me because my parents were violent and enabling, and I was very much afraid that I would die from all that rage and hatred coming at me. The knowledge didn't affect me that much because this was an intended learning experience. I did not experience anything of his past his joyful and relieved exit, nor the rejoicing of his life separating from all his cells. So, it wasn't really something from those narratives. It's only recently that I've connected what happened to me then to the greater continuum of OBEs and such.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
It was more real and better than my lived life at that time.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
It was an extremely useful and pivotal independent study that gave me enough hope to live on for a very long time.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes
Retelling the experience to someone who is in the right frame of mind to hear it—and I listen very carefully for that—creates a subtle, embodied feeling, like a joyful shivering of the cells. It's a side perk, I guess. The intensity is dialed way down, but my nervous system carries the echo.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Well, besides the reflexive wince at the inadequacy of the terminology and human concepts for God, sure. I mean, we are so poor at that idea!