Pasha L FDE

Experience Description

Grandpa's Passing

May 14, 2013

I want to begin by sharing something very personal about myself: I have always struggled with a fear of death. It is something that has weighed heavily on me for as long as I can remember. But on May 14, 2013, something happened that profoundly changed the way I think about death, love, and the connection we share with those who mean the most to us. This is the story of my grandfather's passing and an experience I still struggle to fully explain.

After my grandmother passed away in July 2005, my mother and stepfather welcomed my grandfather into their home in New Mexico. They cared for him for the majority of the remaining years of his life. Although he spent occasional periods in a nursing home for respite care, my parents devoted an extraordinary amount of their time, energy, and love to caring for him. From approximately June 2006 until his passing in May 2013, they made tremendous sacrifices to ensure he received the personal attention and care he needed.

My grandfather had been declining slowly for years, but he was an incredibly strong man. He was an ox. He had endured heart problems and bypass surgery, survived a fall that split his head open, and during the final five years of his life had begun suffering from Alzheimer's disease or another form of dementia. During those same years, he also experienced repeated bowel obstructions and recurrent urinary tract infections.

In February 2013, he suffered another terrible fall, striking his head on his dresser and sustaining a serious injury. He was hospitalized and lost a significant amount of blood. When he returned to my parents' home in New Mexico, he never fully recovered. He became increasingly weak and unstable, eventually becoming confined to a bed. Around that time, hospice care was initiated.

In early May, my mother told us that Grandpa was nearing the end of his life. His decline had accelerated dramatically. He was sleeping almost constantly, had little interest in eating or drinking, and was no longer going to the bathroom. The hospice nurse told my parents that his death could come within hours or days. What followed was an agonizing week of waiting. His vital signs were extremely poor. He experienced a night of vomiting, Cheyne-Stokes breathing, periods when he would stop breathing for more than a minute, a fluctuating pulse, and blood pressure that was sometimes so low it could barely be measured, if at all. We knew he was dying. We just didn't know when.

During those final days, I was living and working in Oregon while Grandpa was more than a thousand miles away in New Mexico. The distance made everything harder. I wasn't sleeping well. I dreamed about him and often woke in the middle of the night filled with anxiety, afraid that a phone call or text message would bring the news I was dreading. Sometimes I was even afraid to look at my phone. I called my mother every day for updates, always asking how Grandpa was doing and, most importantly, whether he was comfortable.

On the night of May 11, I dreamed that I heard him say my name. It was as though he was trying to get my attention. To this day, I don't know whether I was dreaming or whether I somehow actually heard him. I continued calling my mother, trying to prepare myself for what was coming. I was sad. I was scared. And I wasn't ready to let him go.

I was at work in Oregon on Tuesday, May 14, when something changed. That afternoon, I suddenly felt an overwhelming and urgent need to speak to my grandfather. It wasn't simply a thought that I should call him. It was a powerful feeling that I needed to talk to him, and that I needed to do it right then. I was frightened. I didn't know what to say, how to begin, or how I could possibly put into words everything I wanted him to know.

I had once read that hearing is the last sense to go when a person is dying. I held on to the hope that, even though Grandpa could no longer communicate with us, he might still be able to hear my voice. I called my mother in New Mexico and asked whether she would be willing to hold the phone near Grandpa's ear so I could speak to him. Maybe he would hear me. I told her I needed a few minutes to collect myself and write down my thoughts. I promised to call her back in fifteen minutes.

Sitting at my desk, I began writing as quickly as I could. There was so much I wanted to say, so many memories I wanted to share, and so much love I needed him to understand. When I finished, I walked outside to a picnic area near my workplace in Oregon and called my mother back. She placed the phone on speaker and held it close to Grandpa's ear, beside his bed in New Mexico. And I poured my heart out to him.

I began by telling Grandpa how much I wished I could be there with him. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to be beside him in those final moments, rather than speaking to him over the phone from so far away. I told him how much he had given to his children and grandchildren, and how deeply his love had shaped all of our lives.

I shared memories of my childhood, of the years when my brothers and I needed him and Grandma so much. We had suffered from trauma and abuse at home, and they were the ones who provided love and safety. I reminded him of how they used to pick us up from school and bring us snacks. Sometimes one of us would get to spend the night at their house while the other two would receive a bag of treats. I remembered how I would count the days and hours until it was finally my turn to stay with them. Their house wasn't just a place we visited. Their house was our home.

I told him that I still had his cowbell hanging near my door and that I often rang it, thinking of him and Grandma. Even now, I can close my eyes and almost recreate the smell of their house. That familiar scent brings back a flood of wonderful memories. I remembered sitting on Grandpa's lap while he rocked me in his chair. Even when I was a teenager and far too big to be sitting on his lap, he always made room for me to snuggle close to him. I remembered asking Grandma to tuck me into bed every night when I stayed over. Even when I came home from college, I still wanted her to tuck me in.

I talked about going to church together and how we always sat in the seventh row on the right. Grandma always kept a stash of Werther's butterscotch disks in her purse, ready to share with us during the sermon. I remembered Grandpa baking bread, making coleslaw, and preparing pot roast. I told him how I remembered their love of Red Rose tea and how I had come to love it too. I still drink it, and every time I do, I think of them. I remembered his beautiful drawings and his rock collection. And I told him that I had inherited his love of gardening, especially his love of roses. I have roses growing in my own garden now, and every time I am outside tending to them, I think of him.

These were not extraordinary moments in the way the world might define extraordinary. They were the simple, everyday moments that made up a childhood filled with love. They were the memories that stayed with me, the little pieces of him and Grandma that I would carry for the rest of my life. I wanted him to know that all of those things mattered. That he mattered. Finally, I told him that I loved him with all of my heart.

When I finished, I thanked my mother for holding the phone for me. She told me something that meant more than I could express. While I had been speaking, Grandpa's eyebrows were moving. I don't know what he heard or understood, but I hoped with everything in me that he had heard my words.

I hung up the phone. Emotionally overwhelmed, I gathered my belongings, spoke to my boss about leaving early, and prepared to go home. I was a mess. I had just said goodbye to my grandfather, who was dying in New Mexico, while I was more than a thousand miles away in Oregon. I thought that was the end of my goodbye. I had no idea what was about to happen.

This next part is extraordinarily personal, and even now, I struggle to find the right words to describe it. What I experienced felt beyond anything I had ever known. It was something that didn't seem entirely human or verbal, and trying to describe it in ordinary language feels almost impossible. The scientific part of my mind has spent a great deal of time trying to explain it away as adrenaline, shock, or some other physiological response. I know I will never be able to prove or disprove what happened. I can only describe what I experienced.

After leaving work, I walked very slowly toward my car. When I reached it, I glanced down at my phone. There was a text message from my mother in New Mexico. Grandpa had passed away.

I later learned that he had died just three minutes after I finished speaking to him. After we hung up the phone, he had taken three very distinct, noticeably different breaths. And then he was gone. His life had ended in New Mexico while I was still in Oregon, more than a thousand miles away.

When I read my mother's message, I cried out, 'Oh my God!' and stumbled to the ground. I was overcome with shock and grief. But at that very moment, something happened that I still cannot fully explain. Amid the devastation, I suddenly felt an extraordinary connection to my grandfather. It was almost as though the moment I read my mother's message was the moment his spirit had somehow found me. I know how unusual that sounds. But that is the closest I can come to describing the sensation.

After that initial feeling of connection, I stood up. And then, all at once, I felt something rush into my body and my heart. I felt my grandfather's spirit. There was an overwhelming sensation of love, power, energy, light, and euphoria unlike anything I had ever experienced. I didn't simply think it was Grandpa. I knew it was him.

For approximately fifteen to thirty seconds, I experienced something so intense and beautiful that words still fail me. Every one of my senses seemed magnified. I became extraordinarily aware of my own body, of all its perfections and imperfections, and I felt a profound sense of connection to everything around me. The sunlight on my skin felt warmer and brighter than it ever had before. The breeze was warm and absolutely perfect. The earth smelled richer, earthier, and more alive. My vision seemed impossibly clear. And the birds! The birds were chirping so loudly, as though I could suddenly hear every single one of them. Everything around me seemed more vivid, more beautiful, more alive.

I was standing outside in Oregon while my grandfather had just passed away in New Mexico. And yet, in that moment, I felt closer to him than I ever had before. I know how unbelievable this sounds. I know some people might think I am crazy. Sometimes I have even wondered that myself. But what I felt was real to me.

And during those extraordinary seconds, I experienced something else. Grandpa communicated with me. Not through spoken words. It was as though I simply knew what he was telling me. The message I received was: 'I am okay. My soul is young. I'm free. I am love. You should not have any worries. You have nothing to fear.'

There was also another message, something more difficult to understand and even harder to explain. It was less a statement than a feeling, a sudden understanding that seemed to exist beyond words. The closest I can come to expressing it is: 'I am, you are, we all are the Holy Spirit.' It was not a religious message, but rather a spiritual one, communicated to me without words, in a way that I could intuitively understand.

I cannot fully explain what that meant or why I experienced it. I only know that, in that moment, it felt profound. And then, as suddenly as the experience had begun, I felt his presence leave. But what remained was extraordinary. I was filled with euphoria, love, and joy. The fear and anguish that had consumed me during the days leading up to his death had been replaced by an overwhelming sense of peace. For the first time, I felt that Grandpa was truly okay. That he was free. That he was no longer suffering. And somehow, I knew that he was well.

In the days that followed, I questioned everything. Was the experience real? Was it simply a surge of adrenaline brought on by grief and shock? Was it a physiological reaction to receiving devastating news? Was the timing nothing more than an extraordinary coincidence? I have asked myself these questions again and again.

I have also wondered about the urgency I felt that afternoon. Why did I suddenly feel such a powerful need to speak to him? Why, after days of fear and uncertainty, did I feel compelled to call my mother at that particular moment? And why did Grandpa pass away just three minutes after I finished telling him everything I needed him to know? Did he somehow know that I needed to say goodbye? Or perhaps, in some way I will never understand, did he need to hear one final testament to the wonderful impact he had made on all of our lives before he could let go?

And what about the experience that followed? How could I have felt such an overwhelming connection to him while we were separated by such a great distance? His death happened in New Mexico. I was in Oregon. Yet, in the moments after learning of his passing, the physical distance between us seemed to disappear completely.

I cannot prove that his spirit came to me. I cannot prove that the feelings, sensations, or messages I experienced came from him rather than from within myself. And I understand that there may be explanations I will never know. But I also cannot deny the profound impact that those few seconds had on me.

Since my grandfather's passing in 2013, my life has taken me down a path that has brought me even closer to the mysteries of life and death. I am now a registered nurse, and through my work, I have had the privilege of caring for patients during some of the most vulnerable and sacred moments of their lives, including those nearing the end of life.

Since becoming a nurse, I have had one other experience that I can only describe as a possible 'shared death experience.' I had cared for a patient receiving comfort care during my shift the previous day. Later that night, while I was at home sleeping, I suddenly awakened with an overwhelming and unmistakable feeling that the patient had just passed away. It wasn't a gradual realization or a conscious thought about their condition. I simply woke up with an immediate and powerful sense of knowing that they were gone.

What made this experience particularly remarkable was what I learned afterward. When I spoke with other staff members, they confirmed that the patient had indeed passed away at the very time I had awakened. I had not been at the bedside, nor had anyone contacted me to tell me what had happened. Yet somehow, in that moment, I had felt an inexplicable certainty that the patient had died.

As a nurse, I am trained to think critically, rely on evidence, and seek scientific explanations. That part of me continues to question these experiences. I understand the physiological process of dying, and I know how powerful our minds and emotions can be, especially when we have formed a connection with someone in our care. Yet this experience left me wondering whether there is something about the transition from life to death that we do not yet fully understand.

I don't claim to have the answers, and I certainly don't expect everyone to interpret these experiences the way I do. But that night brought me back to the afternoon in Oregon when my grandfather took his final breaths more than a thousand miles away in New Mexico, and I felt something that forever changed my understanding of death.

Perhaps these experiences were coincidences. Perhaps they were intuition, shaped by an emotional connection and an awareness of someone's approaching death. Or perhaps there is something more, some connection between human beings that transcends physical distance and even death itself.

What I do know is that these experiences have deepened my compassion for the dying and strengthened my belief in the importance of being present, offering comfort, and honoring the profound significance of a person's final moments.

I began this story by sharing my lifelong fear of death. Although I still have questions, I no longer view death quite the same way. My grandfather's passing, along with this one other extraordinary experience as a nurse, has given me a sense of peace that I never expected to find.

I no longer think of Grandpa's passing only with sadness. I think of the love he gave us, the memories he left behind, and the remarkable experience I had on the day he died. I think of the roses in my garden, the sound of his cowbell, the smell of his house, and the feeling of being a little girl curled up on his lap.

And I think about those few extraordinary seconds when, despite the miles separating Oregon from New Mexico, I felt his presence with a certainty I cannot explain.

I may never know exactly what happened that day in 2013, or why, years later, I awakened in the middle of the night at the very moment a patient I had cared for passed away. I cannot prove that either experience was anything more than coincidence, intuition, or an emotional response to loss. But I also cannot deny what I felt or the profound impact these moments have had on my life.

Perhaps one day science will help us better understand these experiences. Perhaps some mysteries are simply beyond our current understanding.

Until then, I will continue to care for my patients with compassion, remain open to the possibility that there is more to life and death than we know, and carry the memory of my grandfather's final gift to me: an extraordinary feeling of love, peace, and the reassurance that there was nothing to fear.

I began this story with a fear of death. I end it with a sense of wonder, gratitude, and a peace I never imagined I could feel.

And perhaps, when it is finally my turn, I will understand.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 03/14/2013

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain
Natural passing due to age

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No
N/A

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? When my grandfather 'found' my location in time and space, and his energy entered my body, mind, heart, and soul
Please see narrative

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Brighter, clearer

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Clearer

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? Yes
My grandfather, who had just passed

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
I saw my grandfather's energy come to me, through me, and leave

Did you seem to enter another world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Love, peace

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
Just that we are all love and all one

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian - Other Christian

Have your religious practices changed? No

What is your religion now? Christian - Other Christian
I do not attend church regularly and consider myself nondenominational and spiritual rather than highly religious

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I have always been more spiritual than religious or a Bible-based person. The message I received from my grandfather was in line with how I try to live my life and with my beliefs

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
More accepting of others, driven to pursue nursing

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
My grandfather, after he passed

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
That I am, you are, we all are the Holy Spirit!

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes
Just an overwhelming sense of love and connection

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
Just the telepathic message from my grandfather that we are all okay after death

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
That love is the most important thing in life

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life
Less fearful of death, more in tune with my spirituality and with listening to messages and signs from loved ones who have passed. I am more patient and extremely open minded and accepting of people from all walks of life. I now know how important we all are and how we are all connected.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
More accepting of others and a greater gratitude for relationships and love

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
Please see narrative.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I have a terrible memory, so I documented this 13 years ago. I have never forgotten this event or any of the emotions or sensations I felt.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
Perhaps more in tune with signs from passed loved ones. Intuition or connection when patients have passed

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? It's all significant

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I shared it right away and have shared it multiple times over the last 13 years

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
I'd heard of the term but hadn't really thought much about it.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
I can't explain other than I just knew my grandfather's energy was with me.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
Same as above. No evidence, it just feels real in my heart and soul

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes
Intuition when a patient died. I was awakened from sleep, just knowing he had passed, and the time was confirmed by my colleague who was caring for him

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes

Anything else to add? No