Pascal P NDE

Experience Description

Context:

My son died of Ewing sarcoma on July 14, 2015, after two years of fighting it. He was 18 years old and born on April 8, a date that would become very important in this story. I was on sick-leave for two years. Life slowly resumed its course, but my state of mind did not improve. On my birthday, March 26, in 2019, I decided that on the same date in 2020, I would end my life. I had planned everything: the date, the method, the location. And I said to my son Gabriel, “If you disagree, you will let me know.”

The aortic dissection:

On April 7, 2019, while I was breaking ice with a cleaver when I felt a sudden illness. Having first aid training, I immediately asked my partner to call 911. I knew something serious in my heart was happening in my body. Throughout the preparation by the paramedics and transport to the hospital, my thoughts went to Gabriel. His birthday was the next day. I told myself, “I will spend that day with him, my death was imminent.” Before leaving the house, I said goodbye to my second son and my wife, “Everything will be fine. I’m going to find Gabriel. I love you.” I lost consciousness several times during transport. My last clear memory is of the specialists asking my permission to operate. I agreed. It was about 1 p.m. I was 45 years old.

The experience:

What I experienced during what I believe to be the surgery, I still struggle to explain to myself today. I was not aware of my body or any physical element. I was simply in an entirely white space. It was not a room or in nature; it was just a luminous, infinite space. And there, with me, was Gabriel; my son who had died four years before. I heard him speak to me, without seeing his lips move. It was not words, but rather a communion by telepathy. He made me understand, without a single word being spoken, that it was not the time to leave his brother and his mother. My place was with them, not with him. He let me know that he did not need me there, and that he was fine. I felt an immense bliss. And I knew, deep inside me, that I would live for both of us. I write these words and I relive this moment as if I were there. Tears flow.

The awakening and afterward:

Upon waking in intensive care, I regained a taste for life. My strength returned. My state of mind was transformed. It was fortunate, because in September of the same year, I suffered ischemic myelopathy that left me with permanent physical aftereffects. But since that day, I strive to live as fully as possible, as if living for two.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date of NDE: 04/07/2019

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
I was on the operating table for aortic dissection surgery. I received 3 blood boluses in addition to being in hypothermia and on extracorporeal blood circulation. Basically, I was dead. I consider that the surgeons resuscitated me.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? No

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? During the communion with my son
I struggle to explain it. For me it's more real than if it were a dream.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Faster than usual

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I don't understand your meaning of vision: Vision towards life: I wanted to kill myself Vision towards NDEs: I was skeptical Vision towards religion: God does not exist My vision of spirituality: It is necessary for living together. My physical vision: It has not changed

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience As I explained: it wasn't words but more like telepathy. For my physical hearing: I have a moderate hearing loss and no improvement afterwards

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? Yes
My son who died of cancer 4 years earlier

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain
Large white space, not a big blinding light but a space of immaculate whiteness.

Did you seem to enter another world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Bliss and calm

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Atheist
I have always been skeptical about the existence of a supreme being or deity. The Quebec social context of the 70s-80s integrated me into the Catholic religion, non-practicing. Only at weddings or funerals did we go to church. My down-to-earth side tells me that I communicated with my son at that moment because I thought of him when the paramedics were transporting me to the hospital. But another part of me remains open to other possibilities.

Have your religious practices changed? No

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated - Atheist

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I do not believe in life after death.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain
I am ambiguous about the lived moment. Is it spiritual or is it a neurological consequence of the situation. My down-to-earth side tells me that I put these images in my head when I lost consciousness and my more mystical side would like it to be something else. I remain perplexed in this paradox. I even told myself that I could meet different religious representatives (Muslim, Taoist, Catholic, Buddhist, etc.) to get their opinion on this experience.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? No

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life
My taste for life came back. That's the main change.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
I took off the masks and I accept myself as a thinking person. I am more direct but less bitter. If people are not happy with what I have become, well, that's their problem. I accept myself.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
It's not really explainable. You have to live it because it's a moment that is lived from the inside and that seems completely paradoxical with reality and logic.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Even after more than 6 years, when I think about it, it's as if I relive it. I remember everything that was felt at that moment.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The communion with my deceased son. A moment of immense grace

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I am beginning to discuss it with people who are not close. It has been more than 6 years since this experience took place.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
A little, like everyone who has heard of it. My brother once told me that it happened to him during alcohol intoxication 35 years ago.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
I remain convinced of the reality of the experience. I know that I lived it, but the causes of this experience (neurological or spiritual) remain very nebulous for me.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
I know that the experience happened. Like we know that we have dreamed. We have no proof but we know that it happened. This memory is real in my head but is it a fabrication of my brain at the time of blood stop or is it caused by something else? I am precisely trying to understand.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes

Anything else to add? No, I think I have covered it all. I remain available for any other questions or discussion with you in order to allow me to understand my experience a little more and to allow you to better understand as well.