Michellenea F NDE

Experience Description

My NDE

I was 12 years old. My first 12 years of life were filled with sexual, mental, and physical abuse. I decided I could not take it anymore, especially knowing that my younger siblings had to witness what was happening. I loved my family and wanted them to be happy. In my mind, I believed I was the cause of all the chaos in our home. A few weeks earlier, I had endured the worst beating of my life. As I lay on the floor, I truly believed for the first time that I was going to die.

On November 16, 1975, my brother's birthday, I decided to end my life. I believed it would save both my family and me from further suffering. After taking my bedtime bath, I swallowed all the medications I could find in the medicine cabinet. I said goodnight to everyone and went to bed. I thought I would simply fall asleep and never wake up. I did not really want to leave, but I believed I had no other choice. I was frightened, yet relieved that my suffering would soon end. As my mind became foggy, I finally fell asleep.

I do not know how long I slept, but I awoke with crushing pain in my chest. I could barely breathe. Somehow, I managed to reach my mother's bed. I tried to get her to blow air into my mouth, but she pushed me away, shouting, "What is wrong with you?" I could not speak. I ran to the bathroom and showed her the empty prescription bottles. My breathing was becoming increasingly difficult. She sat me in a chair and called for help. I stared at the floor, struggling to take another breath. Finally, I could not breathe at all. I fell forward and hit the floor. I remember fighting desperately to take just one breath, but no air came.

Then I noticed a sensation of drifting away. At that moment, I decided to let go. Suddenly, I opened my eyes and found myself standing upright in complete darkness. I wondered whether there was no light or whether I had become blind. I raised my right hand to see if I could see it. There it was, shimmering before me, but it had no flesh. I looked down at the rest of my body and realized that I was still completely there, but without flesh or bones. Then I began looking beyond myself. There was no floor beneath me and no walls surrounding me. There was only endless space.

In the distance, I saw a tiny white light that looked like a star. Before I could even finish thinking that I wanted to go toward it, I began moving in its direction. I was flying faster and faster. As the brilliant white light grew larger and began engulfing the darkness, I worried that I would hit it with tremendous force and experience terrible pain. Instead, when I reached it, I floated gently into the light.

Before I could even open my eyes, I was completely engulfed by love and serenity. There are no human words that can adequately describe it. The love was absolutely pure and without a single flaw. I had never experienced anything like it. When I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by radiant white light. It seemed to penetrate completely through me and encompass everything. There was no fear, pain, or insecurity. All the suffering I had known in my human life was gone. I experienced a peace that does not exist anywhere in this earthly life.

Before I could even form a question, I already knew the answer. It was as though I had always known everything but had somehow forgotten. I began looking around, wondering where I was and what this incredible place could be. I knew one thing with absolute certainty. I never wanted to leave.

Then I heard Him. I did not hear Him with physical ears, and He did not communicate through spoken words. Somehow, we were joined together as one, and I understood Him completely. He told me, "You can't stay. You have to go back!" I desperately searched for the being who was communicating with me, but I could not see Him. I repeatedly protested, "I don't want to go back!" He explained that it was not my time to come. I became so upset that I stomped my foot and demanded to stay. He chuckled at me, much like a loving parent responding to a precocious child.

At that instant, I knew that He knew me completely. I knew I had come from Him. He knew everything about my life. No matter what had happened to me or what might happen in the future, He would always love me unconditionally. I belonged to Him, and nothing could ever change that. The joy and security I experienced in that moment have never left me. They became permanently inscribed in my soul and mind. I was not unlovable. I was not dirty. I was loved unconditionally. I also understood that when my time came, I would return to Him.

Then I was turned around and began moving forward. As I traveled, He showed me several things. First, I saw holes in the ground. I immediately understood that they were graves where people were buried. As we hovered above them, I saw that every grave was empty. Suddenly, I knew that no one truly dies! This understanding brought me tremendous peace. I knew that my family and everyone I loved would eventually go to the beautiful place I had experienced.

The last vision I remember was very different. I saw everything burning. Flames were everywhere, engulfing everything around me. I understood that humanity had created this destruction, not Him. I felt overwhelming sadness and fear. It was painful to witness what we would do to ourselves and to one another. I also understood that our actions hurt Him. I know He showed me other things. I can still feel their presence within me, but I cannot remember what they were. It is as though a veil has been placed over those memories, preventing me from seeing them.

Eventually, He stopped moving with me, and I continued forward alone. As I returned, I began traveling faster and faster. Beneath me were separate lines, resembling the lines on a road. As my speed increased, the lines blurred together until they appeared to become one. Suddenly, I was back inside my physical body. My body felt incredibly heavy, as though I were wrapped in a thick, wet blanket. All the sadness and pain I had experienced throughout my life were waiting for me. I was miserable. I felt separated from Him, from that beautiful place, and from the knowledge I had just experienced. The feeling of loss was overwhelming.

Several days later, I woke up. I desperately wanted to tell everyone what had happened, and I tried. But no one wanted to listen. They told me it had only been a dream. Perhaps a beautiful dream, but nothing more. Life returned to what my family considered normal, except there was a new rule. We were never allowed to speak about my experience again.

For many years afterward, I repeatedly attempted suicide because I desperately wanted to return to that heavenly place. But no matter how many times I tried, I never reached it again. I was placed in mental health facilities to protect me from myself. Eventually, I was sent to Christian children's homes because my family could no longer manage my behavior.

I became angry. Why had I been sent back to a life that felt like hell when I wanted so desperately to leave? Every day felt like another rejection. I could not understand why I had been allowed to experience that extraordinary love and knowledge, only to be returned to a life of suffering.

I learned to play whatever role was necessary to satisfy the people who controlled my life. Whenever I had moments of freedom, I drank alcohol and used drugs to dull my memories. But these things only intensified the sense of loss. Many nights, I would run outside into the darkness and scream at the sky, "WHY?"

I could not allow anyone to love me because I believed I was not good enough. I felt damaged and would run away whenever someone became too close. Deep inside, I hoped someone might someday love me despite all my scars and emotional pain. But I never truly believed it could happen. I became the very thing I feared most.

Years later, when I was 26, I learned that I was pregnant. After my first son was born, I gave birth to my second son just 12 months later. Suddenly, I had been given the opportunity to love someone else with the kind of love I knew existed. For the first time, I could love someone more deeply than I felt my own pain.

But the abuse I had suffered as a child continued to affect me and was interfering with my ability to be the mother I wanted to be. I was terrified that I could not give my children the love and security they deserved. I knew I had to find a way to heal. I needed help learning how to be a good mother, or I feared I would damage their lives as completely as mine had been damaged.

I began attending therapy, seeing doctors, reading books, and taking classes. But I could not talk about the real reason I needed help. Whenever I tried to speak about my childhood, my throat tightened, and I felt overwhelming fear. I thought the pain of remembering might kill me. Then one day, everything came pouring out. It was as though a thousand screams escaped from inside me all at once. I completely lost my composure, and there was no stopping it.

During my third year of therapy, I became utterly exhausted. The torment of my life felt too heavy to bear any longer. One day, as I sat across from my doctor, I thought, "I can't do this anymore. I'm never going to be well enough, no matter how much I love my sons. They deserve better than me."

Suddenly, my head began to swim, and I felt myself falling. When I opened my eyes, I was standing in the same dark space I had entered during my childhood near-death experience. But this time, something was different. I was not alone. Countless other beings were moving around in the darkness, experiencing pain beyond anything I could describe. Although I was separated from them, I could feel their suffering. It was terrifying. I could not understand why there was so much torment or what this place was.

Then I suddenly knew that He was there. I understood that I was being given a choice. If I truly wanted to die, I could. But I also understood that this place was where I would finally learn the truth about myself and all things. I would experience the consequences of the pain we create through our choices. I would come to understand our greatness, what we had done with it, and how our actions affected everything that existed. I understood that I would not be able to return to earthly life to change anything. Nor would I be able to enter the beautiful light I had experienced as a child.

The suffering in this place was beyond comparison. Here, you experienced not only your own pain but also the terrible suffering you had inflicted on others, including people you had never even known during your earthly life. As I struggled to understand this place, I realized that this was our hell. The longer I remained there, the more I felt myself becoming part of it. I begged Him to let me leave. I did not want this!

Finally, I understood that He was not the one I needed to convince. I needed to convince myself. I shouted, "I will never do this to myself again! I know my worth now and what I am meant to be and give!" I understood that everything we say and do creates ripples that extend throughout the universe, reaching every corner of existence. That is how powerful each of us truly is. Everything we are meant to become already exists within us from the beginning. When we destroy ourselves, we also harm others and interfere with our purpose.

We are meant to love and lift up everyone whose life we touch. That is all. Nothing more and nothing less is required of us. We live to experience life, discover our greatness, and share it with one another. We will stumble and fall, but we will also rise and allow our light to shine. This life is a gift that allows us to discover who we truly are.

I do not know what ultimately happens to the beings in the place I call the "knowing place." But I know that place is hell. I wondered whether those beings would remain there forever in that terrible state. I did not receive a direct answer, but I was given the impression that they would not. For the first time in my life, I understood who I was and what existed within me. I understood that I had the strength to survive. I was a blessed being. I was never alone, and I was never too damaged to be loved. I understood that the choice was mine.

Then I was released from that place. I woke up lying on the floor of my doctor's office. I was changed. I felt relieved. I continued therapy for another couple of years before completing my treatment.

Today, I am finally able to live in the present. I know my worth and recognize the gifts within me. My mind is free to explore, learn, and grow. My soul has become my source of peace. Throughout our lives, we experience right and wrong, love and hate, and good and bad. What makes us beautiful is what we choose to do with those experiences.

I do not find Him in a church or within any particular religion. I find Him within myself. My soul is my connection to Him and to truth. He also exists all around us. We only need to truly look to recognize Him in the beauty of everything. We can speak to Him, and He hears us and responds. All we need to do is quiet our minds and listen to our souls for His answers. Sometimes the truth may not be what we want to hear, but I believe it is always the right truth. His spirit lives within all things. We only need to look within ourselves and listen.

I know nothing else in this life to be more true. And I know without a doubt that someday, when my time comes, I will return to Him, just as He promised me.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 11/16/1975

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? In the light
You suddenly would know the answer before finishing the thought, like you had always known but had forgotten. In body, you cannot feel or know what you do there. The mind and body here are weighted and in a fog.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual
Both at different times during the experience.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Perfect

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Perfect

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain
Infinite black space.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? Yes
People do not die, all spirit is existing.

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
Pure white radiating light, then realizing the light came from him.

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
I left this world and went into another.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? At first, confusion, then once in the light, pure unconditional love and serenity.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
You would know the answer before you could finish the thought. You could also choose what you wanted to do.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did scenes from the future come? People do not die, the world on fire caused by humans. Other things, but I cannot remember them, I just know I did.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
I did not want to return when I was a child when I went into the light. In the out of body experience, when I went to the dark place, I chose to return because I did not want to stay there.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Nothing in particular - Secular unaffiliated

Have your religious practices changed? Yes
I meditate, listen to frequencies, and spend time alone in the outdoors. I ground myself to the earth with my feet. I stop and look for him in all the gifts he created! That's how I reconnect as much as possible while here.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths
Spiritualist

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
That I was not lovable! That I didn't belong anywhere. That my choices affect all. That there exists a place beyond this life that we return to inevitably, where there is no pain, illness, or sadness.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I wanted to die.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
The white light was coming from the being. We communicated not vocally but in thought to each other.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes
During my out of body experience, I felt countless beings in the knowing place.

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
That we do not die, we transform. That we have a choice how to live our lives and that in those choices we are responsible for how it affects all of life here. That through our spirit we are connected to this supreme being and he to us. That we grow through experiences in life and we have the choice to become the best or worst of the lesson we learned from them. That we have to strive for our best self and give that out to the world. That we are unconditionally loved!

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
We come from and always are connected to our creator.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
I experienced a being that was all things, my creator, and that I came from him.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes
You would begin a thought and know the answer.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes
As explained already.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
That we never die. Our spirit or soul leaves the human body. We remember our lives in body, we are aware of our form in spirit as it was in the body.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes
We are meant to experience this life, it's a gift. Exploration, you could say, to rise to the greatness that exists within each of us, and to give that out to all living things. We are flawed in human form but we learn from those flaws. You cannot know right from wrong if you have nothing to separate them from each other, same with all emotion.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes
They are lessons that we learn from to reach our highest potential.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
That we are incapable of knowing the true meaning and depth of love as humans! Love is boundless and unconditional there. Regardless of whether you're in the light or in the knowing place. I felt it in the light. I understood it in the knowing place.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
I became very suicidal afterward, with repeated attempts, and use of alcohol and drugs. I was self destructive, angry, and confused. As I aged and after the out of body experience, my whole view of my life reversed course.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
I cannot hate others, I am incapable! I can dislike their actions and distance myself from them, but I'm unable to feel hate.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
Human description cannot describe the experience in adequate words.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I know this experience to be the purest and most vivid memory of any other experience of my entire life.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
I sense death of others shortly prior or even long after in certain places. On a few occasions I have seen a spirit.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? That I am loved beyond measure. I have a purpose here. That I am meant to love and share that with all living things. That I have control of choice. That I am never ending. That my greatness is within me, I just have to find and use it.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
A few.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
I knew it was real, but no one else wanted to know about it.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
Because I finally faced it and worked my way to understanding, I was given a gift. The strength to survive, to love, to grow.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes

Anything else to add? LOL. I will live here until it's my time to go home.