Marcy T STE

Experience Description

I was very disturbed and depressed about my life. My heart hurt, and I felt that the only way to eliminate my pain was to plunge a knife into my heart. My intention was not necessarily to end my life. I wanted to end the pain.

In the middle of the night, I went into my kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife, and held it against my chest. At that moment, I thought about my son and decided to stop. I feel that I was very close to death.

I returned to my living room and sat on the couch. I told myself that I could either continue focusing on everything that was wrong in my life or begin thinking about what was good and still working. I closed my eyes and forced myself to concentrate on the positive things in my life.

As I was repeating those good things to myself, the room seemed to become very dark. In the darkness, I could see a tiny pinprick of light. I felt as though I were inside a tunnel, and I knew that I needed to get closer to that light.

I began moving toward it.

The closer I came to the light, the more aware I became. My consciousness and awareness seemed much greater than they were in ordinary life.

The light was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was incredibly bright and indescribably beautiful. As I came closer, the light seemed to radiate around me.

I felt completely peaceful and deeply comforted. I also felt an overwhelming sense of unconditional love. In the light, I knew that I was perfect and that I was loved exactly as I was.

There was communication, but I did not hear spoken words. It was as though I were communicating directly with another presence, soul to soul.

I wanted desperately to continue to the end of the tunnel and enter the light. I would have given anything to go farther.

I reached what seemed to be a final boundary or last step into the light, but I was not permitted to cross it.

I was told, without hearing an audible voice, “You’ve seen everything you need to see.”

I understood that I needed to return.

At the time, I experienced the presence within the light as something mystical and unearthly. I now believe that the light was God and that what I had been shown was heaven.

During the experience, I was left with three pieces of knowledge that felt absolutely clear to me. I understood that what I had seen was heaven and that I would never need to be afraid of dying. I knew that I was loved unconditionally exactly as I was. I also understood that God had placed many religions on Earth as different paths to Him.

I felt that the amazing light somehow contained everyone. I also understood that God is love. Along with these realizations came a powerful feeling of humanity and love for one another.

Before this experience, I had been raised in a nonreligious home. My parents did not believe in God, and I had never seriously questioned what I had been taught. What happened to me was completely inconsistent with my beliefs at the time.

I remember wondering afterward, “Why me? A nonbeliever?”

When I opened my eyes, it seemed that no time had passed.

The experience has remained extraordinarily clear to me. Even thirty-eight years later, I remember it more vividly than many ordinary events from that period of my life.

The unconditional love is the part that remains most meaningful to me. It is almost impossible to explain what it felt like to have that love wash over me.

The experience changed my life profoundly. I came to believe in God, and that belief became a core part of my life. I eventually joined a church and came to believe that Jesus was here to show us a way to live.

I also became calmer, happier, more accepting of other people, and more forgiving of both myself and others.

For some time, I was uncomfortable talking about what had happened. I wrote the experience down immediately, but I did not begin sharing it openly until several years later.

I once told a psychiatrist about it, and he asked whether I often heard voices.

That still makes me laugh.

Nothing else in my life has ever reproduced any part of this experience.

To this day, I believe it was real.

It still feeds my soul.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 02/26/1988

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? It was when I got very close to the light. The closer I got, the more aware I was.
It was as if I was talking to someone but without talking. In the light, I knew I was perfect and loved unconditionally. When I opened my eyes, no time had passed.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
When the experience was over, no time had passed.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I felt so loved. Without talking, I was left with three pieces of knowledge: what I had seen was heaven, that I would never be afraid of dying, and that I was loved unconditionally exactly as I was and God put many religions on earth as paths to him. I had seen God.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I didn't hear anything. It was as if the communication was soul to soul.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes
As I returned to my living room, I closed my eyes and began to force myself to ruminate on what was good and working in my life. The room got very dark, but there was a pinprick of light I could see. I felt like I was in a tunnel and had to get closer to that light.

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
The light was amazing, indescribable, beautiful. The closer I got, the more it radiated around me. I would have given anything to go to the end of the tunnel but was "told" I had seen what I needed to see.

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
The most amazing place I've ever been. I now believe it was heaven.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Complete awareness and comfort deep in my soul.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
I saw where I was going after death and that death is nothing to be feared.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes
The boundary was just the last step into the light, but I was not allowed to go there.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
I was told that I had seen all that I needed and that I needed to return.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Agnostic
Baptized, but my family turned away from religion.

Have your religious practices changed? Yes
I now believe in God and feel Jesus was here to show us a way to live.

What is your religion now? Christian - Protestant
I began to inquire about religion and eventually found a church.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I was raised in a nonreligious home. My parents did not believe in God. I had never before questioned that and was amazed at what I experienced. Why me? A nonbeliever.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I now believe in God, and that has been transformational.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
I now feel the light was God.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
That God let me see heaven and it was beautiful, that God loved me unconditionally, and that God put different religions on earth as paths to Him.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
It felt like the amazing light was everyone.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
I know that it was God entering my consciousness.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes
Just the three things mentioned before, but also a feeling of humanity and love for each other.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
During the experience I just saw the light. When I was not allowed to proceed, I understood that I had seen heaven.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
That God is love.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
I did join a church, and belief has become a core value in my life. I was never able to convince my parents of God's presence. I am much happier with my life and more forgiving toward myself and others.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
I'm much calmer, more accepting, and happy to be with people.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
The light is something I've never experienced, so it's hard to explain. So bright and so beautiful. I wanted to get closer and was "told," "You've seen everything you need to see." It's been so difficult to adequately express what I experienced.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
The details are as clear as when they happened, even 38 years later. The profound impact has been transformational.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The washing over me of unconditional love. It's impossible to explain how that feels.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
It took a while for me to be comfortable with what I experienced. I did write it down immediately, but I began sharing my experience a few years later. Most people are amazed. I went to one psychiatrist who asked me if I often hear voices. Haha.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
As I sat on my couch before the experience, I told myself that I could either focus on the negative things in my life or the positive things. I made the choice to remind myself of all the good in my life. As I was repeating those good things to myself, that is when my experience began. I feel God was rewarding me and helping me to keep moving forward.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
It still feeds my soul.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
I just want to add that it truly is indescribable.