Joshua H NDE

Experience Description

This experience happened during a medical procedure for a large kidney stone. I underwent extracorporeal shockwave lithotripsy under general anesthesia. My last memory before the event was being wheeled into the operating room, loopy from the IV sedative I had been given.

My next memory was brief but vivid: I woke to the pain of a needle being passed through my lower back into my kidney to inject dye. I vaguely remember trying to strike the urologist. Stronger anesthetics were administered, but I had an anaphylactic reaction that led to cardiac arrest and asystole for about eight minutes.

During this period of asystole, I became aware that I was no longer bound to my body. I watched the scene unfold from near the ceiling – my body on the lithotripter, the anesthesiology team working frantically to revive me.

Then I realized I could leave the room. The instant that realization occurred, I entered what I can only describe as a vast, cosmic realm. I felt as though I was floating in space, but it was not ordinary space. There was an overwhelming, all-encompassing sensation of love, compassion, peace, and complete acceptance – a profound oneness with all existence across past, present, and future.

There was no pain, no fear, no discomfort. Language was irrelevant, time did not exist. I was everything and nothing at once – I cannot explain it more clearly than that. I did not see loved ones or beings, but I knew I was once again part of a vast, unified consciousness.

Around me were colors unlike anything in the physical world: plasmic energy, undulating, alive. These were colors beyond the physical spectrum, impossible to describe – only reminiscent of pinks and blues, but not truly those colors. I sensed I was home – the place from which I came before birth, and the place to which we all return. I knew instinctively that love was the force binding it all together, not just a feeling but a universal law, a force like gravity.

Suddenly, I was being forced back toward my body. I found myself once again at the ceiling of the operating room, watching the staff restart my heart. I did not choose to return – in fact, I strongly did not want to. But the moment my heart started, I was pulled back into my body.

The next memory I have is of a nurse slapping my face and demanding I wake up. I finally managed to angrily cry out, “I’m back!” I was furious, confused, and irrationally enraged.

In the days and weeks after, language felt alien and disconnected. I knew details about myself and my life, but they no longer felt like me. My past memories were there, but I couldn’t connect with them. My name didn’t even feel like my name. I questioned my sanity for months. I asked my doctor to rule out mental illness, and he assured me I wasn’t mentally ill, but I remained unconvinced.

I had never used psychedelics before my NDE, but afterward I felt instinctively guided toward them. Eventually, I experimented with psilocybin, though I am not recommending this to anyone, and it unexpectedly helped me integrate the experience. Through it, I began to make sense of what had happened and slowly rebuilt my sense of self and purpose.

This August marked eight years since my NDE. It remains the most profound experience of my life. But the aftermath was brutal. For at least two years, I struggled daily to reintegrate into the physical world. It felt like rebuilding myself from scratch.

The gift in that struggle was the chance to decide what to carry forward. I could choose which beliefs, conditioning, and principles to keep, and which to leave behind. The person who died in that surgical theater is not the same person who lives now. My entire worldview has shifted. I now see compassion, love, and the interconnectedness of all life as the deepest truths, and I try to live moment to moment with the awareness that life itself, which is this experience, is the meaning. My NDE changed my entire life.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date of NDE: August 2017

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
Anaphylaxis that caused cardiac arrest and resulted in asystole for about 8 minutes.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
I could hear medical personnel talking. I could see medical personnel trying to revive me. I had never and still haven't seen a lithotripter, but I could describe it in great detail or identify the one (or very similar) used during my surgery out of a lineup.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? During my experience in the 'cosmic realm.'
It felt more real and true. I felt connected to a vast and eternal consciousness, not just my own.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time did not exist at all. Not even a concept.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Everyday vision is like tunnel vision. What I experienced during my NDE was like panorama vision - all-directional (?)

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Hearing during my NDE and everyday hearing are two very different forms of 'hearing.' Hearing during the NDE felt more like knowing intuitively.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
I described this is in my recounting of the experience, but...there were colors (in a cosmic realm, so darkness) not of this world. They were bright, undulating, like plasmic-energy...I recall that they were gorgeous and reminiscent of blues and pinks, but they were absolutely nothing I've seen in the physical or observable universe. I don't think they're perceptible, at least not to human eyes.

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
The 'cosmic realm' - if that counts...?

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peace, love, compassion, acceptance, awe

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
What I understood was that there is not one grain of sand on any beach on any planet, in any solar system, in any galaxy that is out of place. Everything is exactly as is it supposed to be.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Agnostic
Raised Protestant Christian. Renounced organized religion in my mid-twenties.

Have your religious practices changed? Yes
I have become less dogmatic and more philosophical. Less attracted to doctrine and ritual and more aligned with actually living what I know to be right.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths
Buddhist-Taoist (Daoist) hybrid.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
Having been raised Protestant Christian, no, my experience was absolutely inconsistent with what I was taught the first two decades of my life. If God is love...then that's the only consistency, otherwise, none.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I believe compassion and love toward all life is the Way. I didn't feel that before my experience, but I now KNOW it and feel it. Also, religion/faith doesn't matter - they're all paths that try to guide us to the same place - choose the one that feels right for you, which is why I consider myself a Buddhist-Taoist hybrid. Both encourage experience and neither demand blind faith: Buddhism says: 'don't take my word for it! Go, test it for yourself!' Taoism says: 'the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao...the Tao flows in all directions. It loves and nourishes all things, but does not lord it over them, and when merits are accomplished, it lays no claim to them.' Neither demand strict adherence, they're more like philosophies than religions. More like guidelines written in sand than rules etched in stone. Both are compassion-based, respect-for-all-life oriented, and centered around love.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Uncertain
I referred to it as knowing I was 'home,' so in a sense, to be back home implies I've already been there...so, I'm uncertain.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
Yes, I felt a sense of oneness with all there ever was, is, and will be - it was a knowing. An interconnectedness of all life that transcends this physical realm. And the glue that holds it all together is love.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
I wouldn't call it 'God' or assign any particular religions' deities to it...it was more like a vast, eternal realm of loving-consciousness that encompasses all there ever was, is, and will be.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain
Only that our experience of life as perceived with the human senses is a gift and we shouldn't take it for granted. Every moment matters. Every life matters. Love is all that matters.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
As I stated in my account, I felt as though I had returned to the place from which I came before birth and to which we all return. No doubt.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes
Life and death may seem to be a form of duality, but they're simply two sides of the same coin and are interdependent and are, therefore, a form of non-duality. There is absolutely no reason to fear death.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes
Yes, I understood that to be human implies suffering. Carrying around this human vessel is suffering. But also that it's worth it because what comes after is really inexplicable. I could use words to try and make it make sense, but vocabulary, no matter which language we use, can't and won't ever do it justice or truly describe it...

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
Love is all that matters. Love is the binding force - the undercurrent - that allows for life. Love is all that matters. That's THE message I received.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
I had a difficult time with the questions about 'God' - how are we defining 'God?' If we define God as 'something bigger than ourselves,' then yes, I would say that God exists. But if God is defined as some anthropomorphized 'being' then no, I don't believe God exists that way. God = Love (as a force, not a being). Nearly every aspect of my life changed after my experience. I don't even identify with the person I was before - and that's for the better, to be sure. Everything changed. It rippled through my entire life.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
I love more deeply. I appreciate more fully. I'm much less quick to judge, more understanding, more accepting. I'm very compassionate toward all life. And all of those things have positively affected most of my relationships.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
How can I explain colors that don't exist in the physical world? How can I explain the feeling of floating in a cosmic realm? These are merely words that come close to expressing what I experienced, but words will never be able to express the reality of the experience.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I do not know how my remembrance of the experience compares to my remembrance of other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I remember the experience more accurately than any life events that occured after, but about as accurately as events that occured before, even though I felt disconnected from them.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I have only shared this experience with two family members about a month or two after the experience - I was pretty sure I was psychotic - and two friends about two years after the experience. One family member simply said 'well, that makes sense, considering how angry you were when I drove you home.' I think it has reinforced that family member's belief in 'God' and an 'afterlife.' I'm not sure if any of the other three people even believed me, which is why I refrain from talking about it.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real
I went through a long period of seriously questioning my sanity. I know I've said that more than a couple times now, but it took some time for me to come to terms with the fact that what I experienced was real and that I wasn't insane. I had no prior knowledge of this phenomenon, so...I felt crazy. And culturally, I had absolutely zero context for it or how to make sense of it. It was a long process of coming to accept my experience as real.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
Knowing now that others have had this experience and that my experience shares many core themes with others' accounts made it easier to accept as 'that definitely happened.'

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Quite thoroughly.