John-Michael S NDE

Experience Description

I was working on a counterinsurgency contract in Afghanistan in 2012. For the eight years prior, I had been doing logistics in Iraq. I came from a religious mother and grandparents, but religion never felt right to me. I had recently gotten married, and this was supposed to be my last contract. It turned out to be the most dangerous work I had done in all my years over there. I was alone most of the time, but thankfully, I lived just outside Kandahar in a compound with other expats. Most of us were former Marines, SEALs, or Special Forces.

Earlier that summer, I had been home on leave. We had just bought a home in Fort Worth, and life felt good; at least on the surface. But apparently, I had a strong feeling of impending doom. On the morning I was to begin my flights back to Afghanistan, I started drinking beer. My parents were visiting. I told my mother to take care of my wife and kids because I didn’t think I’d be coming back. We needed the money, so I went anyway. I don’t remember saying any of that. I was told later by my mother and wife. What I do recall is feeling barely sober enough to board the plane, weighed down by an overwhelming sense of dread.

I arrived in Dubai and stayed a few days. I wasn’t feeling well, but a local American doctor at a clinic started treating me for bronchitis. A couple of weeks later, while conducting late-night missions around the NATO base in Kandahar, a coworker and I were caught in a minor IED attack. It didn’t seem serious and not even worth calling home about. I had sustained worse injuries riding my dirt bike. I felt fine the next morning, but by that night, I was dying.

I don’t remember this part clearly, but somehow, I managed to put on my armor, strap on two guns, and gear up in full combat equipment. Then I crawled 250 yards to my best friend’s door. We called his portable building a “hootch.” This crawl, under those conditions, is hard to comprehend. Even in peak physical shape, my gear had always felt heavy. Doing it with a collapsed lung seems impossible, but somehow I did it. My buddy later told me he heard scratching at his door. He looked outside, saw nothing, and went back to bed. Around midnight, I made enough noise to wake him again.

He had been a Pararescue Jumper in the Air Force—the kind of medic who retrieves wounded soldiers mid-battle. With help from a Delta Force operator, they got me through a checkpoint and a brief firefight to the main hospital, 12 kilometers away at Kandahar Air Field. I have a vague memory of trying to draw my handgun to “help” them, but I kept drifting in and out of consciousness.

The two men later told me that the Role 3 medical team hesitated to treat me because I was a civilian contractor. They drew their weapons to stress the urgency of the situation, but it made no difference. My heart stopped, and only then did the staff act.

My next memories are fragmented. I recall parts of the near-death experience itself. I remember being with my wife as she flew to Dubai, although she was still in America at the time. My father arrived first. I hadn’t known he was coming, but somehow, I sensed his presence. I also remember my wife being with me on the medevac jet from Kandahar to Dubai. I didn’t know it was a plane at the time, but her presence brought me immense comfort. I can’t explain how, but it felt real.

Strange visions followed. I saw an imaginary patient in my room who died shortly before my own condition worsened and my heart stopped again. I believe now that he was a guardian angel. I also sensed the spirit of a newborn who had passed away in the ICU. When a code was called, I thought it was for the baby, then realized it was for me.

I drifted out of my body. The unbearable pain I had felt, even in a coma, was gone. I watched the medical team performing CPR. I heard a doctor urge a nurse to stop, but she refused. None of that mattered anymore. The pain was gone, and suddenly, I was somewhere else.

The place was gray, like the sky before a hurricane. Mist reached up to my knees. There was no sound or smell. It should have been frightening, but it wasn’t. I knew I was supposed to walk.

Eventually, I reached an enormous, ancient tree like those in medieval forests. My uncle, who had died from alcoholism in 2011, sat against it, unresponsive. Further ahead, my grandmother appeared. She had died in 2008 and was accompanied by my uncle’s father, “PawPaw Pete.” That surprised me, because I expected her to be with her husband. Pete called me “son,” just like he always had. Seeing him filled me with joy, but my grandmother refused to look at me. I understood why. I had become cruel and indifferent to the suffering I caused overseas.

Even though I felt tremendous relief at being pain-free and ready to die, Pete warned me. He said I would not be judged, but I would go to hell if I didn’t turn back. I caught a glimpse of damnation, and it terrified me. Still, I tried to continue toward a distant city that I felt was where God resided. Pete touched my shoulder, and I was instantly overwhelmed by agony. I woke up to an Indian doctor shouting, “Mr. John, you’re back!” Nurses were crying. So was I.

A few days later, after the tracheostomy was removed, I shared what I had seen. Doctors and surgeons visited, some deeply moved. One, said to be the best in Dubai, listened quietly and nodded as if he understood.

Later, I experienced something else. I saw a blue, electric figure urging me to rip out my IVs. I fought it, until my wife arrived and calmed me. I once thought it was a demon. Now, I believe it was my own darkness made visible.

When my wife had to return home, my sister came to escort me back. I was determined to leave. I bargained with a doctor: if I could walk the length of the ICU, he would discharge me. He didn’t believe I could do it. But I dragged myself out of bed, gripped a walker, and shuffled forward like my life depended on it. A taxi took us to a hotel in Dubai, and on May 5, 2012, I walked out.

I don’t have any grand revelations from my near-death experience. Some people return with messages of divine love or a clear purpose. I came back with nothing. I believe in hell, but I still struggle with anger and bitterness. I dislike most people, and it’s a miserable way to live.

There is one last detail I should mention. I heard prayers layered over each other, like the "emails to God" scene in Bruce Almighty. Voices from people in my Texas hometown came to mind, including ones I hadn’t thought of in twenty years. A churchgoer later told me it was intercessory prayer. Whatever it was, it worked. Still, I’m cautious now about what I pray for.

I should have died. Some days, when the pain is bad, I wish I had. But I accept this life as penance. My mother still carries guilt. She prayed for my survival, and while her prayers were answered, my health has never been the same. I struggled with painkiller addiction, then switched to natural remedies. I stay away from alcohol now. I’ve lost too many friends to it. I wish society focused more on alcohol’s damage than pain pills or marijuana.

I’m doing alright for someone who died; not great, not wise, just alive.

Background Information:

Gender: Male

Date of NDE: March 2012

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain
I was suffering from something the doctors never found. I had collapsed lung, ARDS, and a pulmonary embolism and several small scratches and minor wounds from debris. The consensus is I got an infection but they never discovered what it was. I was in coma from March 24, 2012 until approximately May 1, 2012. I got up and walked out of the hospital. That is the most miraculous thing of all. I went from weight 160lbs to under 100.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
I saw the code team performing CPR on me.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? I think it was the second time my heart stopped
It was the same

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? Normal consciousness and alertness

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time ceased to exist. I have no idea how long it lasted.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? No

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Same

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience There was no sound

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, and the facts have been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? Yes
My dead uncle who died in 2011. His father who died while I was in the coma. My grandmother who died in 2008.

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? Uncertain
It was a far off glow from a light - but it had to have been powerful. Can't really put it into words. I just knew that was where judgment was taking place.

Did you seem to enter another world? Some unfamiliar and strange place
It was a void. Except gray instead of black. Like a cold foggy, damp, the most overcast day you've ever seen - except there was no sound and no feeling (hot,cold,loud quiet). I was on edge or apprehensive, though if not scared.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Anxiety of what was happening.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Uncertain
Sort of. I couldn't go much past the tree or past PawPaw Pete and my Grandmother.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
It was not my decision. I was sent back against my will.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Secular unaffiliated
Raised in a Christian household, but it didn't take. I did not believe in a higher being. Not 100% sold on Christ being the only way to Heaven. I am sold that there is a Heaven and a God, but I am not sure about all that biblical stuff where Jesus is the only way to salvation. It doesn't compute.

Have your religious practices changed? Yes
I want to learn more about Christianity and Jesus.

What is your religion now? Christian- Other Christian
Religion is not what we've turned it into.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I have never really thought about it. The world is a hard place. Nothing I've seen in this life or the next makes me think I am wrong. I don't see how God can let so much on Earth be so bad when it has the capability to do something about it.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I feel like I've wasted so much time and opportunity. I am driven to do more with my time here. I went to school. I am philanthropic to the extent possible and even a bit more. Money, the more I make the more I give away, means jack shit to me. I mean, I like to make it and spend it too, so it isn't alruistic. I just told God if you allow me to have money, I'll share it. Seems to be working.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
I was surrounded by a guardian angel when I first got to the hospital in Dubai. He was in a turban in the ICU with me as a patient too. he 'died' just before my NDE. I have no idea what this means. But I do know I was not scared as long as he was around. After he left, shit got sketchy with the NDE and what I thought for a long time was a demon.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes
God was where that city light was glowing.

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
I saw the city where God and maybe even Jesus live.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
I saw dead relatives in their afterlife coming to tell me I was not fit for Heaven and had to go back and try harder (WTF, I mean really? All of this bullshit for such a brief piece of advice). I did not imagine them. One died (PawPaw Pete) and I could not have possibly have known.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
You now know everything I know. Thank you for letting me share.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
I try to be kinder and realize that 99% of the time it is me, not them.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
If I did not fancy myself a writer, then this would have been harder to put into words. Also, what little 'speaking' was done during this was telepathic - there was NO sound that I can remember being of any consequence or importance.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Its like it just happened.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
I can sometimes sense when something is wrong, someone is pregnant, or something is about to happen. Not all the time and there is no rhyme or reason to it. I just know some things from a sense of what I would call super sized intuition.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Not one more than another. As a whole it was pretty unbelievable experience. I am not sure how anybody that hasn't had an NDE can believe us that have.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
My wife, mother, aunt, sister and inlaws believe. my friends and father and brothers do not.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
I'd heard of it but couldn't have told you what NDE stood for. We've all heard of people dying and coming back from the Light.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
It is the most real thing in my life that has ever happened to me.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
I would question any person that has had a legit NDE that says - no matter how long ago it happened - if they said the NDE wasn't the first thing they think about every day.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
Yes

Anything else to add? No