Cami M NDE

Experience Description

My first memory in this life begins abruptly when I was just over one year old, in the bathtub with my older sister, who was approximately two and a half. I felt like I had been slapped awake, as if to say, 'Welcome to life!' We lived in a two-story red house in a rural area about thirty miles from where I was born. There were free-roaming chickens in the yard, a greenhouse, and rolling hills all around. My mother was talking to us and I could understand everything she was saying, although I cannot now recall her exact words. I likely do not remember because I was deep in thought, bothered by how much I disliked the idea that I would eventually need to learn to speak. Language felt clumsy, slow, and very frustrating to me. I knew a much better way to communicate, an instantaneous connection where all thoughts are known by all simultaneously. You know, normal! I wondered why we do not communicate that way. I knew it was my strong preference because it was what I felt accustomed to, and I was still young enough that I had not used any other method.

I caution people against directly or indirectly undermining the intelligence of very young children. Many are quite aware of what is going on, like I was, but they simply cannot tell you. I hear medical professionals say a child that young does not possess the mental faculties to form such memories, that it is impossible due to an underdeveloped brain. I am living proof that a very young child is indeed capable of coherent thought and complex memory. In fact, my near-death experience is a more vivid and real memory than any I have collected in this lifetime. It has always felt to me as if it just happened. In this world, the only times I have felt an equivalent level of joy to what I felt while home, out of body, is in the company of animals, mostly, and a handful of humans. It is the pure joy of genuine connection. I was fully aware of my surroundings at age one, that I was in the bathtub with my sister.

At this point, my memory becomes fuzzy until the next vivid event shortly afterward. I am being held down on my back under the water. I do not clearly recall how I came to be submerged. I recall the water was warm and shallow, but just deep enough to cover my small body. I was just over a year old at the time. My sister was pressing her hand onto my forehead, holding me down purposefully. I was looking at her face through the inch or two of water as I strained with all my might to get up for air. I saw a frown on her face. She says she was baptizing me, and others insist it was normal sibling rivalry. I felt angry that she would take away my life before I had a chance to live. The anger quickly turned to sadness that my time was short. Absolutely terrified, I knew I was going to die, so I accepted my fate and made peace with it. There was nothing I could do. I was completely powerless. I forgave her. Immediately afterward, I left my body.

The next thing I knew, I felt propelled at an infinite speed over an infinite distance through a vast, black void. I was not looking through eyes, but I could see in all directions. The blackness looked solid and opaque, but was light as fog. It gave way freely. I felt profoundly exhausted. Thankfully, it began to dissipate rapidly, and I beheld the most beautiful light I have ever seen, with colors I have never seen in this world. I no longer felt exhausted, but rejuvenated. I wholeheartedly wished to be as beautiful as that light. Immediately upon thinking that, I became aware, or remembered, that I am the light, and the light is me. Joy flooded my being. Everything felt so familiar. I recognized where I am: This is home, where I have always been, where we have all always been. Recognition kept coming as I remembered layer after deeper layer of truth. I could see warm, soothing golden light and knew I am that light. Remembrance that I am everything eternally flooded me, and I relaxed into the true reality I know so well. This is the most liberating, safe feeling I have ever experienced. I was again part of the eternally unwavering conscious mind of joy, home. It felt completely inconsequential to no longer be in a body. I felt fully myself again, my identity so strong and clear. I wanted to be forever home. I felt a sense I was on the precipice of another big realization, but right then an awareness came that I had a decision: I could stay home or return to my body. I knew if I returned, I would have a very painful and difficult life. Even knowing that, I felt I had a very important reason to return. I have a mission. Choosing to return did not detract from the utter joy I felt about my mission in this world. 'I love everyone in the whole earth,' as written in my childhood journal. Returning to my body, enough time had passed that my mother had returned and saw me. She resuscitated me using infant CPR techniques she had learned only a week before. My heart beat again after approximately six minutes underwater. My mother told me that upon seeing me, she heard a peaceful voice in her mind saying everything would be okay, which calmed her. It would be thirty-three more years until I realized home is not somewhere far away. It has always been right here. I feel so safe in that knowledge.

At the age of thirty-two, my spinal cord was damaged. For nearly fifteen years since, I have lived with chronic, severe pain and numerous debilitating medical issues. I have lived through many adverse childhood experiences: emotional neglect, several incidents of sexual abuse, and living with an abusive man for fifteen years before escaping. It has been a painful and difficult life. I would not have survived intact without the vivid memory of home and the liberty of being everything eternally living in my mind.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 00/00/1980

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
My first memory in this life, as though I were slapped awake, would become the defining event of my entire life: My older sister, who was two and a half years old, was holding my tiny head and body under the bathwater while my mother had us both in the bathtub together. My mother had left the bathroom 'for just a minute to pray.' While my mother was absent, as my sister held me under the water, I was looking at her face through the shallow water, feeling frustrated and wondering why she wouldn't let me get out of the water to breathe. Her facial expression looked angry. I knew she wanted me to die. I struggled with every ounce of strength in my little body, but my one-year-old body simply didn't have the muscle development necessary to overcome her strength as an older child. I could not surface for air. I became aware that I was going to die. I first felt anger that she would take this gift of life away from me. Anger turned to sadness that I would not experience this life. Following the sadness, I forgave her. As soon as I forgave her, I drowned and left my body. My body turned blue and lifeless for approximately six minutes, until my mother returned and resuscitated me. She had just happened to have participated in an infant CPR training class one week prior. I continued to be hypoxic for around two hours after being revived.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
I knew that my body was being revived by my mother performing CPR on it, so that I had the option to return to my body.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? between being drowned in the bathtub and returning to my body
I am everything, and I feel everything.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
All things occur in a limitless, eternal sense—as time literally has no meaning in eternity. I transitioned instantly from being a one-year-old baby girl in a physical body to being eternally conscious and feeling that my identity is exactly the same, either way.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience I feel like my everyday vision before being drowned is akin to black and white television, quite mundane, as compared to the dazzling vibrancy of the colors of the Light during my NDE! Like a cloudy, grey sky compared to the succulent pinks, purples and oranges of the most exquisite sunset.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Prior to my NDE, I had heard my mother speaking in English and then water splashing caused by my tiny body struggling to get out of the water while being drowned. After I left my body, there were no sounds, only peaceful silence.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? Yes, but the facts have not been checked out

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? Yes
I am everything and I experience connection with all that is, including every individual part of the wholeness of everything.

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
As the opaque black foggy void began to dissipate, I began to see more and more beautiful colorful and golden light until I was surrounded and encompassed by it, becoming this exquisitely beautiful light. Vast congregations of glorious colors everywhere.

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
I recognized home immediately as the place where I have always been and will always be, and the familiarity continued to grow stronger and stronger. Home is right here, but cannot be perceived by bodily senses.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Joy, Happiness

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
I remembered that I am everything and resumed my complete awareness and understanding of everything, as such.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes
I felt that I was right on the verge of a deeper realization or memory recall, simultaneous to the dawning awareness that I had a choice either to remain home or to return to my body. If I stayed, there was no going back.

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life
I became aware suddenly that I had a choice: whether I would stay at home or return to my body. If I chose to return to my body, I knew that my life would be very painful and difficult. Or, I could stay home and witness the next layer of recollection of my infinite self.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian - Mormon
At one year old, I wasn't truly affiliated with any religion. However, I was born into a family with Mormon convert parents who pushed the religion on my siblings and me.

Have your religious practices changed? No

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated - Nothing in particular - Religious unaffiliated
I have my own spirituality, as I know that God is a state of being, but I don't adhere to any particular religion because they all feel far too rigidly constructed, claustrophobic, and incapable of encompassing the truth to any significant degree.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I was only about one year old at the time of my NDE, so I hadn't yet formed beliefs that I can recall, other than my belief that communicating mind to mind, rather than in any spoken language, is what I know to be much more preferable because it is so much more natural, efficient, and comprehensive. The content of my experience is entirely consistent with that belief of mine at just over one year of age.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Uncertain
Since I was only slightly older than one year of age, and my near-death experience and several minutes before it were my first memory, I have no frame of reference previous to it.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
I remembered that home is where we have always been, and this precedes my physical life.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
I remembered what has always been true: I am everything, and everything is one.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
We are one, and in our oneness, we are whole parts of a wholeness, God, or supreme being.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain
I do not know that it is 'special knowledge' to know that everyone is infinite love, as this is shared knowledge even if only at an implicit memory or unconscious level of awareness.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes
Living in accordance with love is life's purpose and meaning; this world is a 'school' of sorts.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
I remembered that I am everything, and as I let myself resume experiencing being everything, I felt and feel infinite.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes
Although I was not aware of specifics, I was aware that my physical life would be very painful and difficult, and it is. I have become permanently disabled due to a spinal cord injury and experience severe chronic pain along with numerous comorbid health challenges. I have been homeless and poor, and experienced numerous traumas beginning from a very early age, including childhood emotional neglect and long-lasting sexual traumas. I have been formally diagnosed with complex PTSD. I am still in therapy and probably will be for the remainder of this lifetime.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
While home, away from my body, one of the first things I remember is feeling joy that I am the light, the light is me, and I am love, the light is love, everything. We are love. I love everyone; I remembered my mission for this life is to embody love.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life
I absolutely do not fear the death of my body. Home is always right here, even if we cannot see due to the inability of our physical eyes to see beyond the illusions we project.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Uncertain
I was told by my mother that my personality as a very young child changed following my drowning and returning Home experience. I have a blank space in my memory from the moment when I chose to return to my body until I was 3 years old, kind of like I went back to sleep, in a way.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
I cannot figure out how to express in words the feeling of being everything, the sheer joy, the absolute peace and safety I experienced. I cannot express in words how beautiful the Light Is/I Am/You Are. I cannot effectively describe Love! Humans certainly try to describe it in myriad ways, yet it proves to be perhaps our greatest challenge.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I can vividly remember every detail of my experience, as it feels more real than anything I've experienced while in this body. It is more clear to me than even the events just before I left my body, since I cannot recall exactly what my mother was saying to my sister and me, as I could understand what she was saying even being that young. But, I can recall exactly how it feels to be everything infinitely.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain
Being slightly older than one year of age, I am unaware of whether or not I had any psychic, non-ordinary, or other special gifts before the experience. I am not sure if I have any special gifts following the experience, aside from being well in tune with my intuition and energetic senses.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The entirety of my experience is meaningful and significant.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
It was around 17 years before I first shared my experience with my parents and siblings. Their reactions were jealousy, resentment, silence, and dismissal. Others outside of my immediate family reacted with awe, wonder, and curiosity. I don't know that my family members were influenced in any way other than to write me off as a nutjob. They do, however, recognize that I'm a very loving person. Other people are influenced in a manner which they say helps them to be less afraid of death, in general.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
I have a blank memory from the time I returned to my 1.25-year-old body until I was about three years old... and then at around four years of age, I could really understand that it was definitely real. It felt more real than anything I had experienced afterwards because my identity felt so much clearer and more lucid to me during the experience.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
I can remember my experience in vivid, exquisite detail, as if it happened just yesterday, even throughout my 46 years in this physical world. The reason I can remember it so well is because it is real. It's where we have always been and will be. I have drawn comfort from this memory during my numerous traumas, times of uncertainty, and hardships in this physical world. I've made it through grueling miseries throughout my life without fundamentally losing my way because of how strongly imprinted my experience is. Remembering who I am and who we are is the most real experience of all.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes
When I am loved unconditionally by anyone, human or animal, I experience the same pure joy which I felt during my experience of being Home.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
In many ways, yes, the questions asked and the information that I provided do describe much of my experience accurately and comprehensively, for the most part. However, there are details that cannot possibly be explained in words.

Anything else to add? It's confusing for my body and mind because on the one hand, I experienced a severe trauma of being killed by drowning and, on the other hand, my experience has been a guiding light for me throughout my physical existence.