Calli A NDE

Experience Description 13496

I had a hysterectomy, but unbeknownst to me or the surgeon, he had nicked an artery during the procedure and closed me up anyway. By the next day, less than twenty-four hours later, I had bled out. I was discovered by a friend who had come to visit. I was unconscious in the hospital bed, blue, and not breathing. My friend was alarmed and ran for the nurses. They came and I was coded. What had been a routine hysterectomy turned life-threatening due to a careless surgeon, who had not checked in on me. Nor had any nurses. The only thing I recall leading up to this was knowing something was terribly wrong. I called the nurse call button over and over, and no one came. My friend found me with the call button clutched in my hand.

After my friend alerted the hospital staff, they called a code blue (my friend told me this) and ushered her out. Then they apparently pronounced me dead. It is written in my hospital records, "patient pronounced dead 2:47 pm." That line is scratched out with a single line, and "RESUS" is written on the next line. A lot of information then follows about a chest line started, six units of packed blood, seven units of plasma ordered, plasma unavailable, plasma arrived, and a whole lot of other things. I, of course, do not recall any of this.

What I do recall vividly is only this: after trying so hard to get a nurse to answer the call button, the next thing was thinking, "I am getting too upset, I should sleep. Maybe they'll come check soon." Then there was a beautiful, velvety, deep, rich, dark blue-black sky extending everywhere, and I was part of its beauty too. It was gorgeous, unspeakably good, true, and beautiful. I cannot explain this. I am a published author and a research professor, and I have published many books and articles. Writing and explaining are key to my profession, but this thing, this place, this more-than-a-place, was absolutely beautiful. I mean that in the sense of absolute zero: quintessentially beautiful. It was cold but not painfully cold, just cold and soft and so quiet and peaceful and velvety smooth and utterly true and good. This infinite, dark, soft goodness went on forever, and I could only smile and feel so glad. It was the most utterly, impossibly beautiful thing. The truth factor I also cannot explain: authenticity, validity, completion, truth, beauty, absolute and utter goodness. I knew in a flash that everything, everything is profoundly good.

This was wonderful, and it lasted a long time. I cannot estimate how long, but long enough for me to relax and enjoy it and feel a sense of wonder, awe, and love for it all. It was so soft, so dark and velvety and peaceful and silent, so good. I felt lucky, as if all was fine eternally.

Unfortunately, the very next thing was feeling freezing cold, jolting and contrasting with the pleasant cold of the dark, velvety, infinite space. There were very bright, annoying, awful lights shining in my face and people yelling and talking and things clanking, along with some whooshing noises and beeps. It was so noisy and awful. I could see a man's face above me, and he was saying, "Okay, we got her, we got her, we got her." I tried to tell him I was cold, but he was attending to tubes and wires. I realized I was in a hospital somewhere, not my hospital room. I tried to tell them again I was badly cold, but all I could hear was my voice, very small and far away, saying, "Cold." A nurse on the left, the other side from the man, said, "What, honey?" and to the others, "What did she say?" I tried to say more loudly, "I'm so cold." The man, whom I later learned was the doctor who had revived me, said, "Put a blanket on her." They put a shiny, crinkly, silver, thin covering on me, not a true blanket, but I got warmer. After that, I realized they had revived me, but I could not figure out where I was or who they were because it was not my original surgeon, and I was in a different room entirely. I figured, however, that I was safe. I wished I could go back to the lovely, gorgeous, dark, velvety infinity but was nevertheless grateful to these helpers. I would say I was perhaps reluctantly grateful because the velvety, dark, soft, cold, silent, beautiful infinity is way better. I recall wondering what terrible thing had happened with my routine hysterectomy. I was very tired and soon fell asleep.

After that, I do not know how long, I woke up in the ICU and was mostly sleeping for the next few days. Nurses would not tell me what had happened, though I asked. I was paranoid about the call button. "Will you be sure to come if I call? I won't call needlessly, I promise." No one would talk about this with me. I was not allowed visitors for the first three or four days. All I could think about in the short periods when I was awake was that place, that infinitude of goodness.

Then, about day two or three, that same man appeared in my ICU room. I said, "It's you! You saved my life! Thank you so much!" He said he was surprised I recalled that. I asked him what happened. He told me about the accidental artery nicking and said I am a very lucky person, lucky that my friend came when she did or else I would not have made it. He admitted, "I actually did not think you were going to make it." I thanked him again and again.

I did not tell him or anyone what I saw and experienced, not for a long while. I assumed they would think I was hallucinating or crazy. After all, maybe this is just what happens to the brain when it has no blood supply left, no blood pressure, and it all just "goes dark." But it was so beautiful. It was imbued with ethical goodness and aesthetic beauty and perfection and peacefulness and infinity. How could all that just be a hallucination? On the other hand, why not? Maybe it is what I deeply hope for: beauty and goodness, quiet and coolness and softness, infinitely. So that is what I got when this life ended, just what I wished for and did not even know I was wishing for it. If so, hurray for this. Either way, whether it is real or a strictly physiological brain-death phenomenon, I am glad I got to spend even a short time there. I hope very much that when I die, I will have that same experience again. It was great. Unsettling, but great.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 5/8/2006

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
I had had a hysterectomy but, unbeknownst to me or the surgeon, the surgeon had nicked an artery during the surgery and closed me up anyway. By the next day, less than 24 hours later, I had bled out and was discovered in the hospital room unconscious, blue, not breathing, and was coded and pronounced dead, then resuscitated. What had been a routine hysterectomy turned life-threatening due to the surgeon's carelessness.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
Just at the return point, only then: one second I was there in the glorious dark soft perfection, and the next minute, whoa, jolted back to a different hospital site. When I was coming back to the noisy resuscitation room, I did have this weird brief feeling of a flash of seeing the whole room from outside it before I was back on the table, very fleeting. But it was just noisy and bright, a contrast to the gorgeous other place. But the whole-room flash was a millisecond, then I was on the table, very unpleasantly cold. (not good-cold like The Place.)

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? During the velvety darkness.
I could see, feel, and perceive everything, stretching to infinity, in a tactile, auditory, visual, and heart-perception way. I grasped and understood everything. By "everything" I mean the whole of the universe, far beyond any human realm; it was astonishing and very beautiful. And it was all very, very good.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Yes, infinity in a pinpoint, eternity in an instant, and omniscience and goodness permeating it all. Time was an instant and forever, at the same time, and it is actually not just time, it is also infinite space, in the same pinpoint of forever and infinite space. I realize this sounds completely wacky, and I am no physicist. But in the same way that a sphere and a dot that is its center share some mathematical characteristics, or the same way a Doppler effect works to register relative motion, this place-time was instantaneous and also forever, one dark spot where my mind suddenly found itself, which is also infinite space. Time and space did not work the same way they do in normal human experience. I am sorry this sounds so ridiculous. It was very real.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Vision was complete: and I mean not complete as in an eye exam, I mean complete as in encompassing all time, all space, and all essence. I could see infinite velvety soft dark midnight-blue-blackness immediately. It was so beautiful I even get tears just recalling it now, decades later.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Absolute and utter quiet. Now this is really interesting because I am also an avid musician, a classical piano player, and for me, I would always have figured, if I had ever thought about it, which I had not, that harmony would have characterized infinity or 'heaven' or the afterlife, if there is one, not utter silence deeper than any silence you've ever heard or imagined. A gorgeous and good silence. An infinite silence that also, weirdly enough, covers, contains, or encompasses all harmonies, sounds, and disharmonies: it was the all-encompassing or underlying and overarching thing. Silence. Good, beautiful, perfect silence. Very unexpected part of this, for me, a person who has dwelt in harmonies, melodies, and rhythms all my life.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
Yes, a beautiful, velvety dark, cold, and silent space-time that reached to infinity in both time and space; a completely good and gorgeous essence, a purely beautiful, true, and good quintessence that encompasses all, everything, every being, every place and time, everything. Perfection. I can't explain it. It is wonderful and I still carry the idea of it with me, though I have no idea if it's just a hallucination or not.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I was so happy, and surprised, and in awe and amazed and so joyfully happy. Astonished at infinity, and at the infinite goodness and how beautiful, soft, and quiet it was, reaching into forever, again, I am smiling with a tear coming out of my eye right now, describing the beauty and the feeling of loving it so much. And being so glad and just thoroughly surprised and awestruck. Also, I know there is literally no worry. None. Nothing but deep goodness through and through, forever. Beyond my ability to explain. A weird theodicy hit me there too, instantaneously: yeah, terrible stuff happens, extreme evil and small evils do exist, but whoa is that ever subsumed in this infinite good. Bad people, bad actions, are petty and worthless; this, this goodness, this profound beauty, goodness, and truth, are what count. That's what counts, because that is the truth of existence somehow. I never believed such things but that was the impact message I got in a flash, right there in the cool lovely soft dark that stretched forever in infinite good. So happy. So unworried. So free. So peaceful and calm and all's right with the universe.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
Everything: in an instant. And I understood it to be deeply good. Now, that's especially weird because anyone who knows me knows I am not a romantic or an idealist. I am a skeptic, and always have been, and I want evidence of things. I am a research professor, an investigator by profession and by temperament. So yes, to have that immediate and complete grasp of literally everything that has ever existed or will ever exist, umm, that was odd, to say the least! But at the time, it was simply transcendently happy. And everything felt so right.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
I was just enjoying the gorgeousness out there, not in my body at all, just my perceptive or intellectual being, when suddenly with no warning at all I was back in the hospital amid chaos, noise, pain, unpleasantness, and blood. No reason, just ka-blam, back. I was not happy about it. It was confusing, too.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Atheist
Although I am and was then an atheist, I also had excellent spiritual or "centering" experiences in Zen meditation and retreats.

Have your religious practices changed? Uncertain
My daily zazen got really good for several years afterwards. And is still pretty good.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths
Atheist but also have a good Zen Buddhist practice.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I can recall thinking or feeling, during it, "I had no idea. Wow. I really had no clue how great it all is." So I was instructed, in a way. I had my eyes opened. The existence of such a place/time/infinitude was not what I had believed before this: I was an atheist, thinking that when you die, you die, that's it. Your body decomposes and you become part of the carbon cycle. Period. No consciousness after death. But...I was definitely a perceiver, a perceiving consciousness there, maybe not "me" the human identity but still perceiving-thinking and conscious. I did not and still don't believe in reincarnation or the afterlife for individuals. The existence of this wondrous infinite goodness was also not consistent with my beliefs, because I was pretty skeptical and even cynical about religions, which I saw and still see as very, very damaging: they are invented and enforced by men who like to manipulate political systems for their own gain. The fact that there doesn't seem to be a particular deity there/then/always, well, that part is consistent with my prior beliefs. But the powerful goodness of the place/time was a big surprise. That was not consistent with my prior beliefs, but I sure as heck believe it now because I experienced it. So in sum: some aspects, yes, consistent with prior beliefs, but overall, no.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I now realize that goodness and beauty underwrite the universe, and that it's not personal. Nothing is personal. But it's gorgeous, and wondrous, and existence is a great gift. We can choose to make the most of it. Adhering to the principles that structure the universe, infinite beauty and quiet and softness and calm and goodness and truth, has to be a good thing to do in our brief and unimportant existence. So I'm trying that, just to align myself with that fabulous wow. And I do not at all fear death, and hope I get to experience that gorgeous place-time-infinitude again the next time I die.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
I was acutely aware that I have always existed, as have all other beings and objects, in various forms. Always. Everywhere/everywhen. I don't really know how I know this. No one said anything or conveyed any messages. But the infinity part of this beautiful dark peaceful time-space place where I was extends in all directions and permeates everything/everywhere/everywhen. It's here with me right now, permeating both the material and nonmaterial aspects of this experience (a little bit creepy, eh!).

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
Oneness for sure, because all is encompassed in that velvety lovely dark quiet beauty. All. I mean, all in a way that is beyond what we experience in normal life. And the world as we know it is shot through with that, but we can't really see it or perceive. But I saw/perceived/felt it and it is really powerful. Again, you have to understand that if anyone had told me this, I would have laughed and asked for evidence. It's just impossible, right? So maybe I was the perfect person for this to happen to? No idea. But oneness, yes, and also infinite variety at the same time. Oh and for sure, earth and humans are not the only thing, not even a very big thing. We are certainly a tiny part of that. That, however, is also throughout our existence here, but not really evident to us. That's what I felt out there, wherever that was/is/will be.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain
Well... not really. I mean, if you define 'god' as a concept of infinite goodness, then sure, that's where I was, in 'god' or with 'god.' But there was no being or creature there at all. And I was not an entity like a human or anything else, I was just a perceiver, feeler, thinker, and grasper of the glorious infinite beauty of it all. And (this is really going to sound crazy) my perceiving awareness was also part of that infinitude. But no, no being or deity or entity at all.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain
This is for everyone, and for everything: it is there for all the universe and everything in it. It's not about me or any one of us or any of us at all, and that was very clear during the experience. I was in something completely outside the realm of human experience. Just way bigger and more astonishing at a whole different level than anything here. There was no overt statement of purpose, just an "OK, here you are, now this is reality, got it?" reality, infinity. No one, nothing, was there, nothing/no one said that, or anything, explicitly, but when you get smacked in the head with all-new info like this, instantly transported to this whole new realm, you have to pay attention. Pay attention, would have been the message had there been one. But I, we, us, earth, creatures, all the other earths and creatures: we aren't special. I have no idea what our relation is to that place/time/infinitude. Except as a perceiver, and to gravitate to its beauty-truth-goodness-infinity, as one wants to go toward what is good. So it wasn't "special knowledge" except that it was all new to me. I was in no way special; I wasn't even "me" (no body was there, just my perceiving/feeling/understanding). Maybe if I had been able to stay longer there might have been a message?

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain
I mean, not really. But I know it's good. Earthly life is (sorry to say this) really quite irrelevant in a way. Very petty and small, our stuff. This is weirdly reassuring, that we are so insignificant. I do recall feeling so joyful and drawn to the goodness of it, and I got the strong feeling that this is the right way to feel/think/grasp it. Love it, be drawn to it, see it, know it, appreciate it: that is the right relation to have with it. Goodness, beauty, truth, infinity, omni-everything: just love it and know it; pay attention. Because the goodness runs throughout, including here on earth, in mundane and material forms of existence. (It probably sounds like I lost my mind, but this is what it felt like/feels like.)

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Uncertain
I was experiencing the infinite, but there was no indication that this is an afterlife or any continuation of my existence or anyone else's. Was I going to stay there and keep experiencing that? It seemed so, but really I have no idea and there was no indication either way during it. Do I now hope so? Yes! But nothing at all indicated that I would stay or go; I was just enjoying it so much I assumed I was there now, until the sudden return. I was still me, but only in the sense of a perceiving, thinking, feeling entity, not a body at all. I was not 'me' the person. There was no body of mine there and no social identity. Nor any other lifelike thing at all.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain
Nothing (or, I guess, no one—there weren't any beings or things) spoke to me there, but it struck me immediately that like all of us, I'm sooooo small compared to that, just a little watchful dust speck or less, and that is good and right. I can relax. None of this small stuff matters, and it is all small stuff, compared to what I experienced there/then. Paying attention/perceiving/feeling/thinking/understanding is the thing to do. But all that was just in a flash.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Uncertain
I felt the strong love of this beauty and goodness and depth and infinitude. But love wasn't really part of it. That greatness did not love me back, for example, or even notice or register me as a thinking perceiver; it's very impersonal, not about me at all, not at all. Deep joyful love for all that was my attitude when I grasped how fabulous it is, which was instantaneous. So my human feeling of love was activated there, immediately and powerfully, but more as an awestruck, "Oh wow, I love how beautiful and good and forever and true this is! I love how dark and silent and cool and soft and great this is!" I don't have any specific information from the experience except that love is also kind of irrelevant—it's so much bigger and more than that. Love is kind of small and sweet. This was big and awesome.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life
I am way, way more relaxed and mellow because honestly, nothing here compares to that in magnitude or depth. Also I feel confirmed in my ethics: goodness is an underpinning of the universe and I can, in my little dust-mite-of-unimportance way, still strive for an ethical and beautiful existence, and should. I do not fear death in the slightest. I fear illness and pain, but not death, because if I get to go back there, oh boy will that ever be an infinite moment of delight, even if it only lasts briefly. Also, nothing is really about me. Nothing is about you, either. We are all luckily very very minor, and that place-time-infinitude is very great and very good. So we can relax and be good. As good as possible, to be more like that whatever it was/is. I also really value silence now and I am weirdly attracted to dark blue things now (I bought, without realizing it, a midnight-blue velvety soft coverlet for my bedroom shortly after that happened, and one day realized Oh! I gravitated to it!) I wear a lot of deep blue-black dresses and feel so good in them. I also know how important beauty is—it is one of the keys to the universe, which I did not know before. And just keep on perceiving, as if in a lesser imitation of that place/time—now I sound like a Platonist, which I am not, but anyway, yes, it was life changing in all good ways. As for questions 46a and 46b: I used to think we can create significance with our actions, and build a life with meaning and importance. I now know that it honestly is not so: we are irrelevant; yet I think it's all I've got, so I still intend to live a good life and make every moment good that I can, aligning myself as much as possible with the big principles I learned underpin it all, out in that dark lovely place/time/infinitude. Also: I still don't talk about it except with my two very closest friends (people might think I'm crazy). Also I want to thank you for this chance to tell all about it in an extended way, because it's not really something I can talk about in social groups. Also, on a more petty level, I think that the experience really helped me not have a bad reaction to the failure of the malpractice lawsuit I tried to file against that doctor. I could not even get lawyers to sue, because in Louisiana there is a standard in the law that you have to be tangibly harmed, and I ended up surviving and being largely ok afterwards. But that experience of the beautiful dark goodness allowed me to say to myself: ok, that operation was really bad, and it was definitely medical malpractice, and the nurses on that floor should also be sued if not jailed, but look what I got out of it! A once in a lifetime direct, firsthand look at infinity. That is pretty awesome, really.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
It is so much easier for me to ignore people who are being awful and not to let them bother me. It put everything into perspective. I also don't feel tethered to this world as much. People and things come and go, and it all kind of doesn't even matter in a way, compared with that. Still, I want to live a valuable and meaningful life, which is consistent with the principles expressed in that universal place-time I saw/felt/knew/experienced.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
I've tried to explain but I can't. This is something that was taking place in another dimension of experience, not the typical measures of time, space, or perception; it was an instantaneous knowing, feeling, and understanding of a profound beauty and goodness. Not like the way we perceive and know things in everyday life. It was much more complete and complex. If I had to describe an epistemology for this, I don't know, it would be something like a time-space-holistic-infinite one that includes feelings, perceptions, and intellect, and encompasses it all. It is very serious, grave, and weighty in tone, but totally benevolent. Deeply good. I am trying, but I still can't convey it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Oh boy was it ever vivid. Impossible to forget. So strange. So wonderful. Yes. Everything else pales by comparison.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? How beautiful it was. The lovely, silent beauty of the universe, so good, so profoundly good, stretching forever and always. I love it.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I couldn't tell anyone for about a year. My friend who found me not breathing in the hospital bed that day, I did tell, and she kind of thought I was nuts but was nice about it. I tried to tell my daughter; she too thought I was nuts and was not very nice about it. My partner believed me, or said he did. I have only been able to tell him and a very few others, notably one other friend who is a kind of wacky-woo-woo person herself (tarot etc.; eyeroll), and she believes me, which, paradoxically, makes me not want to tell anyone ever! Because, if she believes it, it must be really kooky.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
I had heard of it vaguely but thought it was kooky, a physiological thing, or religionists trying to justify their faith, or people seeking attention. I had heard "go to the liiiiiight!" as a kind of joke about people who say they see a tunnel and a light and then they come back etc. So I was a total skeptic and I did not see a light.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
It was undeniably, vividly real. My perceiving consciousness went ...somewhere... and experienced universal beauty-truth-goodness and infinitude. Bizarre and impossible but it really did happen.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
It was undeniably, vividly real. My perceiving consciousness went ...somewhere... and experienced universal beauty-truth-goodness and infinitude. Bizarre and impossible but it really did happen.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
And I thank you for this chance to share it because it was really something, very powerful.

Anything else to add? I'm grateful I had it, even though I still don't fully understand it or even believe it was anything other than a hallucination. But really, it was so intense and vivid, how could that be just a physiologic response? It had so much ethical and aesthetic power, and intellectual force, how could it just be a hallucination? I still am not sure what I believe about it, ever a skeptic! But I know what I experienced. Wow.


Experience Description 13400

I had a hysterectomy, but unbeknownst to me or the surgeon, he had nicked an artery during the surgery and closed me up anyway. By the next day, less than 24 hours later, I had bled out and was discovered by a friend who had come to visit. I was unconscious in the hospital bed, blue, and not breathing. My friend was alarmed and ran for the nurses. They came and I was coded. What had been a routine hysterectomy turned life-threatening thanks to a careless surgeon, who had not checked in on me. Nor had any nurses. The only thing I recall leading up to this was knowing something was terribly wrong and calling the nurse call button over and over, and no one came. My friend found me with the call button clutched in my hand.

After my friend alerted the hospital staff, they called a code blue and hustled her out of there. Then they apparently pronounced me dead. It is written in my hospital records, "patient pronounced dead 2:47 pm" and that line is scratched out with a single line. "Resus" is written on the next line, and a lot of information then follows about a chest line started, six units of packed blood, seven units of plasma ordered, plasma unavailable, plasma arrived, and a whole lot of things. I of course do not recall any of this.

What I do recall vividly is only this: after trying so hard to get a nurse to answer the call button, the next thing was thinking, "I am getting too upset, I should sleep, maybe they'll come check soon." Then I saw a beautiful, velvety, deep, rich, dark blue-black sky extending everywhere, and I was part of its beauty too. It was gorgeous, unspeakably good and true and beautiful. I am a published author and a research professor and I have published many books and articles; writing and explaining are key to my profession. Yet, I cannot explain this. This thing, this place, this more-than-a-place, was absolutely beautiful. It was cold but not painfully cold, just cold and soft and so quiet and peaceful and velvety smooth and utterly true and good. This infinite dark soft goodness went on forever and I could only smile and feel so glad. It was the most utterly impossibly beautiful thing. The truth factor I also cannot explain: authenticity, validity, completion, truth, beauty, absolute and utter goodness. I knew in a flash that everything is profoundly good.

This was wonderful and it lasted a long time. I cannot estimate how long, but long enough for me to relax and enjoy it and feel a sense of wonder and awe and love of it all. It was so soft, so dark and velvety and peaceful and silent. So good. I felt lucky and that all was fine eternally.

Sadly, the very next thing was feeling freezing cold, jolting, and contrasting with the pleasant cold of the dark velvet infinite space. There were very bright, annoying, awful lights shining in my face and people yelling and talking, and things clanking, and some whooshing noises and beeps. It was so noisy and awful. I could see a man's face above me, and he was saying, "Okay, we got her, we got her, we got her." I tried to tell him I was cold, but he was messing with tubes and wires in me. I realized I was in a hospital somewhere, not my hospital room. I tried to tell them again I was badly cold, but all I could hear was my voice, very small and far away, saying, "Cold." A nurse on the left, the other side from the man, said, "What, honey?" and to the other people there, said, "What did she say?" I tried to say more loudly, "I'm so cold." The man, whom I later learned was the doctor who had revived me, said, "Put a blanket on her," and they put a shiny, crinkly, silver thin covering on me, not a true blanket, but I got warmer. After that I realized that they had revived me, but I could not figure out where I was or who they were, because it was not the original surgeon, and I was in a different room entirely from my hospital room. I figured, however, that I was safe. I wished I could go back to the lovely, gorgeous dark velvety infinite, but was nevertheless grateful to these helpers. I would say perhaps reluctantly grateful, because the velvety dark soft cold silent beautiful infinite is way better. I recall wondering what terrible thing had happened with my routine hysterectomy. I was very tired and soon fell asleep. After that, I do not know how long, I woke up in the ICU and was mostly sleeping for the next few days. Nurses would not tell me what had happened, though I asked. I was paranoid about the call button: will you be sure to come if I call? I will not call needlessly, I promise. No one would talk about this with me. I was not allowed visitors for the first three or four days. All I could think about in the short periods when I was awake was that place, that infinitude of goodness.

Then about day two or three, that same man appeared in my ICU room and I said, "It's you! You saved my life! Thank you so much!" He said he was surprised I recalled that. I asked him what happened, and he told me about the accidental artery nicking. He said I am a very lucky person and lucky that my friend came when she did or else I would not have made it. He admitted, "I actually did not think you were going to make it." I thanked him again and again.

I did not tell him or anyone what I saw and experienced, not for a long while, because I assumed they would think I was hallucinating or crazy. After all, maybe this is just what happens to the brain when it does not have any blood supply left, no blood pressure, and it all just "goes dark." But it was so beautiful. It was imbued with ethical goodness and aesthetic beauty and perfection and peacefulness and infinity. How could all that just be a hallucination? On the other hand, why not? Maybe it is what I deeply hope for: beauty and goodness, quiet and coolness and softness, infinitely. So that is what I got when this life ended, just what I wished for and did not even know I was wishing for it. If so, hurray for this. Either way, whether it is real or a strictly physiological brain-death phenomenon, I am glad I got to spend even a short time there, and I hope very much that when I die, I will have that same experience again. It was great. Unsettling, but great.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: May 2006

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes
I had had a hysterectomy but, unbeknownst to me or the surgeon, the surgeon had nicked an artery during the surgery but closed me up anyway. By the next day, less than 24 hours later, I had bled out and was discovered in the hospital room unconscious, blue, not breathing, and was coded and pronounced dead, then resuscitated. What had been a routine hysterectomy turned life-threatening thanks to a careless surgeon, Dr. Dauterive.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
Just at the return point, only then: one second I was there in the glorious dark soft perfection, and the next minute, whoa, jolted back to a different hospital site. When I was coming back to the noisy resuscitation room, I did have this weird brief feeling of a flash of seeing the whole room fro outside it before I was back on the table, very fleeting. But it was just noisy and bright, a contrast to the gorgeous other place. But the whole-room flash was a millisecond, then I was on the table, very unpleasantly COLD. (not good-cold like The Place.)

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? During the velvety darkness.
I could see and feel and perceive everything, stretching to infinity, in a tactile and auditory and visual and heart-perception way. I grasped and understood EVERYTHING. By 'everything' I mean the whole of the universe, far beyond any human realm; it was astonishing and very beautiful. And it was all very, very good.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Yes infinity in a pindot, eternity in an instant, and omniscience and goodness permeating it all. Time was an instant AND forever, at the same time, and it is actually not just time, it is also infinite space, in the same pinpoint of forever/infinite space. I realize this sounds completely wacky, and I am no physicist. But in the same way that a sphere and a dot that is its center share some mathematical characteristics, or the same way a Doppler works to register relative motion, this place-time was instantaneous and also forever, one dark spot where my mind suddenly found itself, which is also infinite space. Time and space did not work the same way they do in normal human experience. I am sorry this sounds so ridiculous. It was very real.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Vision was complete: and I mean not complete as in an eye exam, I mean COMPLETE as in encompassing all time and all space and all essence. I could see INFINITE velvety soft dark midnight-blue-blackness, immediately. It was so beautiful I even get tears just recalling it now, decades later.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Absolute and utter quiet. Now this is really interesting because I am also an avid musician, classical piano player, and for me, I would always have figured, if I had ever thought about it, which I had not, that harmony would have characterized infinity or 'heaven' or the afterlife, if there is one, not utter silence deeper than any silence you've ever heard or imagined. A GORGEOUS and good silence. An infinite silence that also, weirdly enough, covers/contains or encompasses all harmonies/sounds/disharmonies: it was the all-encompassing or underlying/overarching thing. Silence. Good, beautiful, perfect silence. Very unexpected part of this, for me, a person who has dwelt in harmonies and melodies and rhythms all my life.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? No

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
Yes, a beautiful, velvety dark, cold, and silent space-time that reached to infinity in both time and space; a completely good and gorgeous essence, a purely beautiful and true and good quintessence that encompasses all, everything, every being, every place and time, everything. Perfection. I can't explain it. It is WONDERFUL and I still carry the idea of it with me, though I have no idea if it's just a hallucination or not.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I was SO HAPPY, and surprised, and IN AWE and amazed and so so joyfully happy. Astonished at infinity, and at the infinite goodness and how beautiful and soft and quiet it was, reaching into forever--again, I am smiling with a tear coming out of my eye right now, describing the beauty and the feeling of loving it so much. And being SO GLAD and just thoroughy surprised and awestruck. Also, I know there is literally no worry. None. Nothing but deep goodness through and through, forever. Beyond my ability to explain. A weird theodicy hit me there too, instantaneously: yeah, terrible stuff happens, extreme evil and small evils do exist, but whoa is that ever subsumed in this infinite good. Bad people, bad actions, are petty and worthless; THIS, this goodness, this profound beauty and goodness and truth, are what count. That's what counts, because that is the truth of existence somehow. I never believed such things but that was the IMPACT message I got in a flash, rght there in the cool lovely soft dark that stretched forever in infinite good. SO HAPPY. SO unworried. SO FREE. SO PEACFEUL AND CALM AND all's right with the universe.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
Everything: in an instant. And I understood it to be deeply good. Now, that's especially weird because anyone who knows me knows I am not a romantic or an idealist. I am a skeptic, and always have been, and I want EVIDENCE of things. I am a research professor, in investigator by profession and by temperament. So yes, to have that immediate and complete grasp of literally everything that has ever existed or will ever exist, umm, that was odd, to say the least! But at the time, it was simply transcendently happy. And everything felt so RIGHT.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
I was just enjoying the gorgeousness out there, not in my body at all, just my perceptive/intellectual being, when suddenly with no warning at all I was back in the hospital amid chaos and noise and pain and unpleasantness and blood. No reason, just ka-blam, back. I was not happy about it. It was confusing, too.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist
Although I am and was then an atheist, I had also had excellent spiritual or centering experiences in Zen meditation and retreats.

Have your religious practices changed? Uncertain
My daily zazen got really good for several years afterwards. And is still pretty good.

What is your religion now? Other or several faiths
Atheist but also have a good Zen Buddhist practice.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I can recall thinking or feeling, during it, 'I had no idea. WOW. I really had no clue how great it all is.' So I was instructed, in a way. Had my eyes opened. The existence of such a place/time/infinitude was not what I had believed before this: I was an atheist, thinking that when you die, you die, that's it. Your body decomposes and you become part of the carbon cycle. Period. No consciousness after death. But...I was definitely a perceiver, a perceiving consciousness there, maybe not 'me' the human identity but still perceiving-thinking and conscious. I did not and still don't belive in reincarnation or the afterlife for individuals. The existence of this wondrous infinite goodness was also NOT consistent with my beliefs, because I was pretty skeptical and even cynical about religions, which I saw and still see as very, very damaging: they are invented and enforced by men who like to manipulate political systems for their own gain. The fact that there doesn't seem to be a particular deity there/then/always, well, that part IS consistent with my prior beliefs. But the POWERFUL goodness of the place/time was a big surprise. That was not consistent with my prior beliefs, but I sure as heck belive it now because I experienced it. So in sum: some aspects, yes, consistent with prior beliefs, but overall, no.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I now realize that goodness and beauty underwrite the universe, and that it's not personal. Nothing is personal. But it's gorgeous, and wondrous, and existence is a great gift. We can choose to make the most of it. Adhering to the principles that structure the universe, infinite beauty and quiet and softness and calm and goodness and truth, has to be a good thing to do in our brief and unimportant existence. So I'm trying that, just to align myself with That Fabulous WOW. And I do not at all fear death, and hope I get to experience that gorgeous place-time-infinitude again the next time I die.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
I was acutely aware that I have always existed, as have all other beings and objects, in various forms. Always. Everywhere/everywhen. Don't really know how I know this. No one said anything or conveyed any messages. But the infinity part of this beautiful dark peaceful time-space place where I was, extends in all directions and permeates EVERYTHING/everywhere/everywhen. It's here with me right now, permeating both the material and nonmaterial aspects of this experience (a little bit creepy, eh!).

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
Oneness for sure, because ALL is encompassed in that velvety lovely dark quiet beauty. ALL. I mean, ALL in a way that is beyond what we experience in normal life. And the world as we know it is shot through with that, but we can't really see it or perceive. But I saw/perceived/felt it and it is really powerful. Again, you have to understand that if anyone had told me this, I would have laughed and asked for evidence. It's just impossible, right? So maybe I was the perfect person for this to happen to? No idea. But one-ness, yes, and also infinite variety at the same time. Oh and for sure, earth and humans are not the only thing, not even a very big thing. We are certainly a tiny part of THAT. THAT, however, is also throughout our existence here, but not really evident to us. That's what I felt out there, wherever that was/is/will be.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain
Well... not really. I mean, if you define 'god' as a concept of infinite goodness, then sure, that's where I was, in 'god' or with 'god.' But there was no being or creature there at all. And I was not an entity like a human or anything else, I was just a perceiver/feeler/thinker/grasper of the glorious infinite beauty of it all. AND (this is really going to sound crazy) my perceiving awareness was also part of that infinitude. But no, no being or deity or entity at all.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain
This is for everyone, and for everything: it is there for all the universe and everything in it. It's not about me or any one of us or any of us at all, and that was very clear during the experience. I was in something COMPLETELY outside the realm of human experience. Just way bigger and more astonishing at a whole different level than anything here. There was no overt statement of purpose, just an 'OK, here you are, now this is reality, got it?' REALITY, infinity. No one, nothing, was there, nothing/no one said that, or anything, explicitly, but when you get smacked in the head with all-new info like this, instantly transported to this whole new realm, you have to pay attention. Pay attention, would have been the message had there been one. But I, we, us, earth, creatures, all the other earths and creatures: we aren't special. I have no idea what our relation is to that place/time/infinitude. Except as a perceiver, and to gravitate to its beauty-truth-goodness-infinity, as one wants to go toward what is good. So it wasn't 'special knowledge' except that it was all new to me. I was in no way special; I wasn't even 'me' (no body was there, just my perceiving/feeling/understanding). Maybe if I had been able to stay longer there might have been a message?

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain
I mean, not really. But I know it's good. Earthly life is (sorry to say this) really quite irrelevant in a way. Very petty and small, our stuff. This is weirdly reassuring, that we are so insignificant. I do recall feeling so joyful and drawn to the goodness of it, and the depth and power of that goodness, and got the strong feeling that this is the right way to feel/think/grasp it. Love it, be drawn to it, see it, know it, appreciate it: that is the right relation to have with it. Goodness, beauty, truth, infinity, omni-everything: just love it and know it; pay attention. Because the goodness runs throughout, including here on earth, in mundane and material forms of existence. (It probably sounds like I lost my mind but this is what it felt like/feels like.)

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Uncertain
I was experiencing the infinite; but there was no indication that this is an afterlife or any continuation of MY existence or anyone else's. Was I going to stay there and keep experiencing that? It seemed so, but really I have no idea and there was no indication either way during it. Do I now hope so? YES! But nothing at all indicated that I would stay or go; I was just enjoying it so much I assumed I was there now, until the sudden return. I was still me, but only in the sense of a perceiving/thinking/feeling entity, not a body at all. I was not 'me' the person. There was no body of mine there and no social identity. Nor any other lifelike thing at all.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain
Nothing (or, I guess, no one---there weren't any beings or things) spoke to me THERE----but it struck me immediately that like all of us, I'm sooooo small compared to that, just a little watchful dust speck or less, and that is good and right. I can relax. None of this small stuff matters, and it is all small stuff, compared to what I experienced there/then. Paying attention/perceiving/feeling/thinking/understanding is the thing to do. But all that was just in a flash.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Uncertain
I felt the strong love of this beauty and goodness and depth and infinitude. But love wasn't really part of IT. That greatness did not love me back, for example, or even notice or register me as a thinking pereciver; it's very impersonal, not about me at all, not at all. Deep Joyful Love for all that was my attitude when I grasped how fabulous it is, which was instantaneous. So my human feeling of love was activated there, immediately and powerfully, but more as an awestruck, 'Oh wow, I lOVE how beautiful and good and forever and true this is!! I love how dark and silent and cool and soft and great this is!!' I don't have any specific information from the experience except that love is also kind of irrelevant---it's so much bigger and more [!!!!!] than that. Love is kind of small and sweet. This was BIG and AWESOME.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life
I am way, way more relaxed and mellow because honestly, nothing here compares to that in magnitude or depth. Also I feel confirmed in my ethics: goodness IS an underpinning of the universe and I can, in my little dust-mite-of-unimportance way, still strive for an ethical and beautiful existence, and should. I do not fear death in the slightest. I fear illness and pain, but not death, because if I get to go back there, oh boy will that ever be an infinite moment of delight, even if it only lasts briefly. Also, nothing is really about ME. Nothing is about you, either. We are all luckily very very minor, and that place-time-infinitude is VERY great and very good. So we can relax and be good. As good as possible, to be more like THAT whatever it was/is. I also really value silence now and I am weirdly attracted to dark blue things now (I bought, without realizing it, a midnight-blue velvety soft coverlet for my bedroom shortly after that happened, and one day realized Oh! I gravitated to it!) I wear a lot of deep blue-black dresses and feel so good in them. I also know how important beauty is---it is one of the keys to the universe, which I did not know before. And just keep on perceiving, as if in a lesser imitation of That Place/time---now I sound like a Platonist, which I am not, but anyway, yes, it was life changing in all good ways. As for questions 46a and 46b: I used to think we can create significance with our actions, and build a life with meaning and importance. I now know that it honestly is not so: we are irrelevant; yet I think it's all I've got, so I still intend to life a good life and make every moment good that I can, aligning myself as much as possible with The Big Principles I learned underpin it all, out in that dark lovely place/time/infinitude. Also: I still don't talk about it except with my two very closest friends (people might think I'm crazy). Also I want to thank you for this chance to tell ALL about it in an extended way, because it's not really something I can talk about in social groups. Also, on a more petty level, I think that the experience really helped me not have a bad reaction to the failure of the malpractice lawsuit I tried to file against that doctor. I could not even get lawyers to sue, because in Louisiana there is a standard in the law that you have to be tangibly harmed, and I ended up surviving and being largely ok afterwards. But that experience of the Beautiful Dark Goodness allowed me to say to myself: ok, that operation was really bad, and it was definitely medical malpractice, and the nurses on that floor should also be sued if not jailed---BUT! Look what I got out of it! A once in a lifetime direct, firsthand look at infinity. That is pretty awesome, really.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
It is so much easier for me to ignore people who are being awful and not to let them bother me. It put everything into perspective. I also don't feel tethered to this world as much. People and things come and go, and it all kind of doesn't even matter in a way, compared with THAT. Still, I want to live a valuable and meaningful life, which is consistent with the princples expressed in that universal place-time I saw/felt/knew/experienced.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
I've tried to explain but I can't. This is something that was taking place in another dimension of experience---not the typical measures of time or space or perception; it was an instantaneous knowing, and feeling and understanding of a profound beauty and goodness. Not like the way we perceive and know things in everyday life. Much more complete and complex; if I had to describe an epistemology for this, I don't know, it would be something like a time-space-holistic-infinite, one that includes feelings and perceptions and intellect as well, and encompasses it all. It is very serious and sort of grave and weighty in tone, but totally benevolent. Deeply good. I am trying but I still can't convey it.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Oh boy was it ever VIVID. Impossible to forget. So strange. So wonderful. Yes. Everything else pales by comparison.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? How beautiful it was. The lovely, silent beauty of the universe, so good, so profoundly good, stretching forever and always. I love it.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I couldn't tell anyone for about a year. My friend who found me not breathing in the hospital bed that day, I did tell, and she kind of thought I was nuts but was nice about it. I tried to tell my daughter; she too thought I was nuts and was not very nice about it. My partner belived me, or said he did. I have only been able to tell him and a very few others, notably one other friend who is a kind of wacky-woo-woo person herself (tarot etc.; eyeroll), and she believes me, which, paradoxically, makes me not want to tell anyone ever! Because, if SHE believes it, it must be really kooky.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes
I had heard of it vaguely but thought it was kooky, a physiological thing, or religionists trying to justify their faith, or people seeking attention. I had heard 'go to the liiiiiight!'as a kind of joke about people who say they see a tunnel and a light and then they come back etc. So I was a total skeptic and I did not see a light.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
It was undeniably, vividly real. My perceiving consciousness went ...somewhere... and experienced universal beauty-truth-goodness and infinitude. Bizarre and impossible but it really did happen.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
It was undeniably, vividly real. My perceiving consciousness went ...somewhere... and experienced universal beauty-truth-goodness and infinitude. Bizarre and impossible but it really did happen.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
And I thank you for this chance to share it because it was really something, very powerful.

Anything else to add? I'm grateful I had it, even though I still don't fully understand it or even believe it was anything other than a hallucination. But really, it was so intense and vivid, how could that be just a physiologic response? It had so much ethical and aesthetic power, and intellectual force, how could it just be a hallucination? I still am not sure what I believe about it---ever a skeptic! But I know what I experienced. WOW.