Birdie L NDE

Experience Description

I was a depressed, anxious teenager, and very angry with my father. Even though I had a very happy childhood with my large, extended family consisting of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and etc. My father was the stain on the picture and I really resented him. I was his whipping post; also known as the family's black sheep. My first year of high school wounded me deeply, and I quickly became depressed. I was on a mild treatment at first.

Then came my first suicide attempt, followed by a brief stay in the hospital and a two-week stay in a psychiatric hospital. A new treatment plan was started, but I was not finished with my desire to find eternal peace. I tried suicide again and it resulted in a direct return to the psychiatric hospital. They put me on a new, much stronger treatment.

I was still determined to go and planned my next move. It took several weeks and finally everything was ready for my ultimate leap toward the long-awaited peace. I had stolen alcohol from my parents and hidden it in my clothes. I waited for my mother to return from the pharmacy with the full supply of my medication. I did not have access to it myself because I already had two suicide attempts with it.

I waited for the right moment to take the pills in my room with the alcohol. I swallowed everything. Then, I realized I had left the computer open on my chat messages in the living room. My mother would have found that suspicious, so I quickly went to close my messaging app. The cocktail was starting to take effect. I replied, "Goodbye, I am so happy," to my best friend before shutting down the computer. Back in my room, he called me. I thought, "Oh no, I forgot to turn off my phone, too."

I answered, although I didn't want to. My speech was incoherent, and he said, "Let's play a game. Shout 'Mom!' Let's see who can shout the loudest."

I learned later that at that moment, he felt possessed by a force that was not his own and that acted through him.

Being in a jubilant, very excited state, I shouted "Mom!" My mother came and understood immediately. She alternatively carried and dragged me to the car. That is my last memory.

I was slumped in the passenger seat, my mother urging me to stay. I felt a warm liquid between my legs, and then I was above my body. I saw myself in that pitiful state. Then I saw the car speeding along as my mother drove me to the hospital. I felt sure that the firefighters would not have been as fast.

I entered a wonderful "tunnel" that was luminous and dark at the same time. The light at the end is unknown here on earth. Then, I saw the heart of the "light." It was moving but motionless, which makes it indescribable. A power emanated from this "full void," that felt intense and infinite. There were no sensations comparable to what we know here. It was marvelous to experience the "I AM" in all its power and beingness in its raw, pure state.

Then I had the sensation of being "sent back" into my body. That was the most painful moment of my life.

I had not had an accident, but my entire body was pain. My body felt heavy and everything was painful. The blinding sunlight hurt my eyes and sounds assaulted my ears. The contact of the sheet on my skin was very unpleasant. This return to the world made me feel like a total failure as evidenced by the first words I thought, "Oh, damn."

Then I saw my parents, both in white hospital gowns. Their heads were resting on the bed as they were crying. I was intubated and tied to the bed. I wanted to scream, and strained my vocal cords. I thrashed on the bed so much that I detached a heart monitor pad. The machine began emitting a long, funereal beep, as I was still trying to scream.

The hardest part of this whole story was this return of consciousness into my body. My body is heavy; thoughts are heavy; and the senses are heavy. Finally, after a few days in intensive care, I was back to the psychiatric hospital only this time it was specialized for schizophrenics. I was a teenager locked up with adults. The treatment was very heavy, and I became a zombie. My dear mother got me out of there. I caused so much suffering and I owe her so much.

It took a few years for me to tell this NDE, even to myself. I would simply say, "The most beautiful thing in my life was dying, and the worst was coming back to life."

Since this experience, I have tried to overcome my dark thoughts. I still had dark thoughts for a few years afterward and sometimes they were suicidal thoughts. But always, in the end I remind myself, "No, it's not for me to decide; I do not have the right to kill myself." As I have walked my Christian path, the suicidal thoughts have disappeared. When I think sad thoughts, I repeat, "I belong to the light," and it calms me instantly. Without God, I truly believe I would have attempted another suicide and that I would not have failed.

But here I am. I "saw" it, and it changed my life, profoundly and intensely. I feel at peace deep within myself. This light accompanies me every day, along with this sensation of total "lightness." For me, God and this NDE are clearly linked. It is bold to say "I saw God," because the verb 'to see' is not adequate at all seems very pretentious. So, I do not say it like that. But to you, as I'm telling what happened, I say it. Truly, deep inside, I know I experienced the pure, raw diamond of "I AM!"

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 2010

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain
I didn't understand the question...

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it
I have never spoken about that with my mother. Only she can confirm it, but I have no doubts.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? There was no vigilance. The highest level of consciousness was in the immutable and infinite movement of 'I am.'
No alertness, but pure consciousness during the OBE.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time had lost all meaning, and it was wonderful! No more time.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? No

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Nothing to do with the vision from our eyes! I answered no to the two previous questions because there were no thoughts or senses in my NDE. Again, it has nothing to do with what we experience here below.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Nothing to do with the hearing from our earthly ears!

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes
A tunnel without edges, 'delimited' only by nuances of light. A wonderful light at the end (indescribable from our earthly point of view).

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
Indescribable.

Did you seem to enter another world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
If I must try to describe it... It was like an infinite ethereal vapor, in perpetual motion yet still (like the sea), without limits, without containment yet still full. Nothing defined, nothing drawn, nothing similar to the materials and things we see down here.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I repeat that earthly words are not up to the task of describing the lived experience, but I must try. Intense peace, lightness, infinite love, gratitude, joy.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? Everything about the universe
It was not even a question of understanding anything. There were no more thoughts! As if there was no personal consciousness either. Only the supreme being that contains everything.

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
Upon waking, I had the impression of having been sent back with a benevolent 'kick in the butt.'

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Agnostic
My parents were atheists and anti-religious. But my grandmother and aunts were believers, though not very practicing. When I was six, while playing with my dolls, I had a vivid sensation and a very luminous thought: just as I directed my dolls and gave them life, a supreme being did the same with me, with all of us. It was a wonderful moment. Around that same age, I also had a very recurrent dream. In my house, the floor would open, revealing a bright, white void. Everything would fall into it (the furniture, the walls, my family) except for me. I was afraid, and everything around me became white and luminous. I was afraid because I didn't understand what was happening. This repetitive dream left a strong mark on me. These two events opened a door in my heart, despite my atheist parents – the door to faith in 'something great and incomprehensible.'

Have your religious practices changed? Yes

What is your religion now? Christian - Catholic
I consider myself Christian. I read the Bible and other Christian spiritual books every day. However, I still have not taken the step of baptism, and I believe I consider my NDE to be a sort of baptism... I am therefore not alarmed at not being baptized yet. Given my job (as a farmer), undertaking a catechumenate is rather complicated to manage.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
There is something powerful and great that contains us, inconceivable to our minds, which are limited by our bodies.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
Already mentioned

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
No voice, but the supreme being.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes
The eternal, immutable, and pure being.

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
The eternal, immutable, and pure being.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes
The eternal, immutable, and pure being.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain
I didn't quite understand the question

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
There is an eternal, immutable, and pure being.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
The eternal, immutable, and pure being.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
Because it is 'something' far greater than what we experience here on earth! It is indescribable with these earthly words, as it resembles nothing we know in our incarnated, material existence.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
The 'memory' of the NDE is powerful and indelible.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
A few years. The first time was with someone else who had also been in a coma, and we shared our experiences, which were fairly similar. This confirmed for me that I wasn't 'crazy' and that I wasn't the only one. After that, I've rarely shared it, choosing carefully with whom I share it.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
For me, it was definitely real but difficult to interpret or conceive of with this limited mind of my body.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
Definitely real, as it was the most powerful experience I have ever 'lived'.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Uncertain
This experience is engraved in me, every day

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes