Barbara S STE

Experience Description

Many years ago I lived and worked in New York City. I had been seeing a therapist a few times a week to address many issues related to having grown up in an alcoholic home. During a session, about ten years into therapy, the emotional pain left over and buried from my childhood suddenly began coming out all at once. I don’t know what triggered it, but it felt like vomiting pain. It lasted until the end of the session, continued during my trip home on the subway, and was still present when I arrived home.

At some point I thought that I simply could not survive the ordeal. It was just too painful. The second I thought that, the most incredible feeling of love completely enveloped me, like nothing I had ever felt before or since. My ego was gone. My self was gone. I had nothing. I needed nothing, not even words. I felt completely free. I realized that this was reality and the world I had been living in was not. I was told that everything is love. I didn’t need words. Thoughts were enough.

I could move about my apartment, which had become luminous, without being in my body. At some point I heard a voice saying to me, “This is what you have created,” with no judgment whatsoever. All I could think was, “If I could have created anything in this world—beauty, gardens, flowers—why would I have created this?” I lived in an unrenovated apartment in Brooklyn. It made no sense to me at all.

Then, as if someone was standing there handing me pieces of paper with the outline of my earthly life on them, I heard, “This is your name, this is your apartment, this is your job, this is your car,” and on and on. All I could think was, “No, no, no, I don’t want any of this!” But I wasn’t dead, and I knew I couldn’t stay in that incredible altered state of absolute love.

When I had completely returned to this state, I was depressed. But ultimately I accepted it, because what choice did I have? I was given a gift. That had to be enough for now. The fact that I know it is there is comforting. It’s something to look forward to, but not to hasten. I need to find and express as much love as possible here. That is what is asked of me. And I need to create something beautiful because I can.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date of NDE: 00/00/1997

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain
I felt like I could not survive the emotional pain I was experiencing.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant

Did you feel separated from your body? I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Immediately when I thought I could not survive the pain I was feeling.
There was no comparison. I was in a different realm of existence. I could move outside my body. I could hear telepathically. I accepted this as reality, not what I had been living.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness? More consciousness and alertness than normal

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time did not exist during the experience. It was not relevant.

Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Before, everything seemed normal—what I was used to. But then suddenly my apartment became lighter and glowed. I was amazed by the walls and the ceiling. Then suddenly I was in the kitchen, but my body had not moved, although I was not seeing it. I had no awareness of it at all.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience Before the experience, I heard noises outside dimly. I only heard telepathically during the experience and did not notice any other noises.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased beings? No

Did you see or feel surrounded by a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter another world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt that I was part of Absolute Love. That was all that existed in reality. It felt so far beyond anything I had ever experienced, I could never describe it.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back? No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated - Agnostic

Have your religious practices changed? Yes
I seek more spiritual guidance now. This is recent, not at the time of the experience. This is because I have come to believe it was a spiritual experience and not a physical chemical reaction. I did not drink or take drugs at the time of the experience, and I still do not.

What is your religion now? Christian - Protestant
I am spiritual, but not affiliated with a church.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
I was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain that I could not stop or control. I thought it would kill me. I had no knowledge of this other realm or altered state before it suddenly came upon me. I was not seeking it. I did not know it existed at all and would not have believed it if you had told me before I actually experienced it.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes
I began to question spirituality more. I accepted the gift I was given as a gift from God. I did wish I could have stayed in the experience permanently.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I heard a voice I could not identify
I was in the kitchen and a voice said, 'Here is what you have created.' There was no judgment whatsoever.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes
Only because I felt the oneness. No one had to tell me. I was in it; I was part of it.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes
Existence was different. Reality was different. Earthly living was only a construct, not reality. So, life continued in a different realm.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes
Everything was love. There was nothing else.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life
It has taken me a long time to believe what my experience was. I was unsure if it was a chemical reaction that the body conjured up to protect my survival. It is only since I have been seeking a spiritual change that I became aware, through books and videos on NDEs, of what my experience had been. It was not a physical near-death experience, but an emotional one.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes
Mostly, I work on being non-judgmental and listening to others without giving advice on their lives and experiences. In other words, giving up control and letting go.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
It is impossible to put into words the feeling of love and being part of a different reality. It was so far beyond anything I had ever felt.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I remember the experience absolutely. I vaguely recall the pain beginning to come out in the therapist's office, but I don't remember what triggered it. I don't remember the subway ride home, but I do remember being on my knees in my living room in horrible pain that would not stop.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes
I feel as if I have been placed in certain situations by a divine presence. For instance, being in exactly the right place to save a runaway baby stroller coming down a hill in a park one day. I felt as if I was used by an angel as a pair of hands that was needed at that exact time and place. I ask for guidance from a guide I call Chloe (I like the name) and usually get an answer—not always immediately, but soon after, even for small problems I have. I try to listen to what I feel is this guide, who uses a collective unconscious that is always available.

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The feeling of love and that it is all there really is. I like to remember that feeling as much as possible. I also work on not judging others, as I was not judged at all for the life I had created at that point.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
I related it to my therapist at the next session. She listened as she always did. I do not know how she felt about it. It did not really matter, and it does not really matter what others think to me. I have been telling some of my family recently. One of them, who is very religious, listened intently and said it could be the devil trying to trick me. But she may have believed me—I do not really know. Another relative, who is also very religious, found it fascinating, especially the experience that love is everything. She did believe it.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real
I knew it was real. I just wished I could have remained in it. But I was not dead, and I could not stay.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real
The experience was absolute. It was reality. But I am here now, and while I look forward to transcending to another realm, I need to do the work on myself where I am. I am trying to become more spiritual, nonjudgmental, and loving. It is a struggle.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes
These questions actually helped me be more specific and thoughtful about my experience, so thank you.

Anything else to add? I just wish I could have stayed in that realm.