I had attempted suicide by an overdose of drugs. The event of the suicide is hazy but the NDE or vision I had was very clear. I was in an ER room with at least one doctor and several nurses attending to me. I did not feel my soul separate from my body but I seemed to go from lying on the table to a grey cloudy landscape in an instant.There was an indescribable all-encompassing feeling that God disapproved of my action. There was no shame or feeling of being threatened, just the strong feeling that God was not happy with my attempt at suicide. The grayness of the atmosphere combined with storm-like clouds was remarkable. I didn't feel threatened by it, though. I just observed it. I was outside this literal gate to heaven. (I believe strongly in heaven but not this gate. It may have been more symbolic, I have no idea.) It was an iron-looking gate I was standing outside of; it seemed to disappear into the grey clouds.The gate itself was unremarkable, no pearls or anything like that. Two robed men were speaking to each other. They never addressed or looked directly at me, but they were discussing me. I knew the two men were St. Peter and St. Gabriel. I could not hear their entire conversation; I knew they were discussing whether it was my time to be admitted to heaven. St. Gabriel was telling St. Peter that I had not read The Gospel of Mark yet. St. Gabriel was holding a huge open book I assumed to be a Bible and they looked at it. It seemed as if Gabriel was convincing Peter I could not enter heaven yet. At the same time, I knew St. Peter didn't want to let me in at that time. I was just an observer. They never looked at me and I did not interact with them. I woke up back in my body in the emergency room after I heard that I needed to read Mark.
Date NDE Occurred: 1998
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt. Drug or medication overdose 'Life threatening event, but not clinical death'
I had taken an overdose of drugs.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Unearthly grayness, even their robes while they stood outside the gate of heaven were grayish.
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal That one sentence St. Gabriel spoke, 'But she hasn't read The Gospel of Mark' seemed not only to be very, very clear words but a strong feeling accompanied his words. It is hard to explain.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When it was said that I had to read The Gospel of Mark (in the New Testament) it was very, very clear. That one part remains very vivid in my mind to this day.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No
Were your senses more vivid than usual? More vivid than usual
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My vision was clear. I required contacts at the time. I felt within a body but not trapped in one as I am here on earth.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My hearing was more acute I guess. I was not close to the two talking; I was separated by a distance of maybe several hundred feet. Normally, I couldn't hear two people talking to each other from that distance. I couldn't hear everything they said.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I knew the two men were St. Peter and St. Gabriel.
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes Unearthly grayness, even their robes while they stood outside the gate of heaven were grayish.
The experience included: A landscape or city
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The atmosphere was almost storm-like, very grey with many clouds.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I knew God loved me and still do but I was only aware of his disapproval at that time. I felt like I wanted to please God, not displease him. I wanted to change the circumstances in the future so the next time I arrive at heaven. It will be my time, in God's time, and He will be pleased.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? No
Did you have a feeling of joy? No
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
The experience included: Boundary
Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes The gate was the limiting structure.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was 'sent back' against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Moderately important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Christian- Protestant
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I read the Bible more not out of a sense of duty, but because I am getting much joy from it and desire to find out what I am to learn (regarding their reference to Mark). The more I seek, the more my spiritual connections improve. Life and my relationships improve.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other or several faiths I am Christian as I believe and follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. However, I am always seeking to deepen my spirituality. I believe we probably do have multiple lives or can have them. I don't believe in hell. I'm not a typical "Christian". I believe in the importance of love.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I NEVER have thought or think about St. Peter actually guarding the gates of heaven so this is not an idea I was drawn to.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Reading Mark has led me to seek further spiritual material that gives me great comfort and joy. The feeling of intense love in my life is incredible. I used to reject the idea of past lives but now I feel that we probably have or could have multiple lives. The most important thing in the universe is love.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I knew the two males talking were important and angelic. They were not of this world.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes St. Perer and St. Gabriel. I NEVER have thought or think about St. Peter actually guarding the gates of heaven so this is not an idea I was drawn to.
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No I do now.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God probably exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I was very aware of God's existence.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Uncertain I am unsure why The Gospel of Mark was so important for me to read. Initially I read it and was confused about what I was supposed to learn exactly. 'Faith' was what stood out to me at that time. I have been reading it and other gospels lately. This time I feel so much more passion for them and many questions I have had regarding scripture have been answered. These questions or ideas were not necessarily revealed in the Gospel of Mark but other readings that Mark inspired me to read.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Uncertain I am unsure why The Gospel of Mark was so important for me to read. Initially I read it and I was confused what I was supposed to learn exactly. "Faith" was what stood out to me at that time. I have been reading it and other gospels lately. This time I fe
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife probably exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes Heaven was beyond a gate, and I would go there when I died and after I read Mark .
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I moderately feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Uncertain
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Moderately compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? No I have to say, though, that as a result of reading Mark, I have felt incredible mutual love for God and my fellow men.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Since that dark period of time in my life, I have embarked on living a more spiritual life through a 12 step program. This spirituality has grown and is very deep today. I have felt periods in my life, since that occurrence, where I have felt INTENSE love from God.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Yes I seek to be more loving and tolerant of others. I want to make a positive impact in the world while I am here, although I strongly desire to return to God. I won't harm myself again because I want to fulfill God's plans for me and help others while I am here.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes It is only difficult to explain the strong, clear feelings present.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience Everything about that time period of my life is a hazy unpleasant memory to me. The vision or NDE is much clearer in my memory.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? As a result of reading Mark, I have felt incredible mutual love for God and my fellow men.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I knew of them but was not all that interested in them.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real It felt more real as time passed because it remained vivid in my mind, unlike a dream or regular life. I was also kind of embarrassed by it because I didn't want to be perceived as more crazy than I already may have been due to my suicidal actions.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I do not believe in coincidence. If this is a mere dream I had, it still greatly impacted my life.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Uncertain I have felt a stronger connection to God more than ever in a positive way.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Everything about that time period of my life is a hazy unpleasant memory to me. The vision or NDE is much clearer in my memory.
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