Sarah B STE

Experience Description

The next few hours I have pieced together. I have no recollection at all of any of this.

The next morning, I was on the phone to my medical aid.

‘You need to get me to hospital,’ I told my mom. She is from the ‘just drink water and it will pass’ school of medical support.

‘Calm down, Sarah. You are tired and you have flu. You just need to rest. You are being totally irrational,’ she told me.

But I had already got a pre-authorization number.

‘I need a letter from the GP to be admitted. Let’s go.’

I walked out and stood at the car.

She took me to our local doctor, who listened to my chest and said it wasn’t good, and it sounded like bronchitis. But I was insistent. I wanted to go to hospital.

Eventually my mom backed down, and the doctor booked me a bed.

I don’t know what drove me to do all this, but it was some deep inner intuition, and it saved my life.

Finally, my mother agreed, confused and a bit angry. She left me at the hospital reception while she parked, and I checked myself in.

I had a lung X-ray that night and it showed a small patch of pneumonia on my right lung. I sent some text messages to friends and to work telling them I was in hospital and wasn’t feeling good.

The next day Mom arrived at the hospital. The older lady in the bed next to me was very concerned, and beckoned my mom over.

‘I am worried. Your daughter is very sick,’ she told Mom. ‘She is talking gibberish. Last night they found her in the shower, fully dressed with even her shoes on. Something is wrong.’

Mom was surprised. ‘She looks fine!’ she said.

But she spoke to the physician to check. He checked the night chart which confirmed that I did, indeed get dressed and climb into the shower last night. He was concerned but said I seemed okay. But he booked me in for another chest X-ray.

It had a surprising result. Both lungs had a thick, white snow all over them. I had full-blown pneumonia. In fact, I had what was is fondly termed a lung blackout and was in full respiratory failure.

Things moved quickly from there.

I was rushed straight from radiology to high care, where I was hooked up to a load of machines. An hour later I was taken to ICU and hooked up to a ventilator.

I was immediately put into an induced coma.

I didn’t see the ICU doors as they opened. Nor as they closed. I didn’t know that they were going to close on me and on the life I had known for the past 36 years. I didn’t even know that I had entered a room in which I was going to have a fight. This was going to be the fight of my life. For my life.

I knew none of this. I was too far gone already, my brain and organs starved of oxygen.

I didn’t exist outside those ICU doors any more. I had left all that behind. Nothing came through. Not my children, not my family, not my husband.

I had left him sleeping that day. I would never speak to him again.

It was to be over a month later when I would finally check my cellphone to see a message from him, sent on that day. It was the last message he ever sent me.

My darling. You need this rest. Relax. I will take care of everything. Just sleep. When you feel better I will book you a massage.

Coma stage 1: The world of nightmares

I am being held in an experimental institute and that they are doing experiments on me.

I am in a dystopian reality. I am in the is the worst, dodgiest place in the world. It is a broken place. There is garbage everywhere and long hospital corridors filled with glass.

There are reams of cables and electrical sockets. Broken fluorescent lights flicker overhead. There are people walking all around. They are all strangers. But who am I?

I am dying ever so slowly. I die by suffocation. I can’t breathe. Doctors are all around in this strange place, but they are doing other strange things. They are measuring liquids and testing equipment. They are all ignoring me and my screams.

It’s a test. Doctors will not let me die. Will they?

This is getting stranger and stranger.

Now I am lying on the floor and they are all walking by. They want to see how far I can go before they save me. How scared I am. I want to pretend I am not scared but I am totally terrified. I don’t want to die. I want to breathe but I am suffocating. Again.

Another nightmare. A man who comes and goes. He’s always in a different outfit. He wears rubber gloves. I am so relieved when I see him. It must be a reality show. I am on a show. He is an actor. Why else would he be there? That’s it – I am in a death reality show.

My mind is sharp and analytical. I am smart. I tell myself this. I can win this game.

But how did I get there? And what is the game? In fact, who am I? I have no idea. I am just somebody dying while nobody is watching.

In fact, there is no real thought in my head at all. I am just trapped here. In this twilight world between worlds. I have no idea why I am here. But I don’t even question that.

And then the nightmare repeats.

Then I feel myself floating upwards on the ceiling. I can look down but I don’t want to see what is on the bed and so I float to other places. I got to other wards and along empty rooms. I don’t want to look at any of the people in beds, they have a sad and bad energy, I only want to look at the air and so I move to the windows. They are closed.

I want to get out of here.

But who am I?

Actually, I don’t know who I am. It’s not exactly scary, but it’s uncomfortable. I am just floating around the hospital. Floating means having no roots, no place. I have nowhere to go.

The next thing I notice is that things are not happening on the horizontal plane any more. There is no sense of left or right. There is only up and down, and I keep moving up.

There are buildings. They are modern Gothic. Vertical. Steep. I traverse the world in a vertical way. Up and up. I am moving upwards. There’s no ground.

Is this a vertical hotel? It’s very stylish and there are people in black tie. There’s a cocktail bar, green plants hanging down over the edges. But the place is not important. What is more important is that the world is going on around me but nobody notices me, or that I am dying.

The drugs that were keeping me unconscious were creating ongoing nightmares as my brain tried to make sense of what was going on in my body. The drugs usually used are barbiturates, which act by slowing down the brain’s metabolism and reducing blood flow to the tissue.

A body in a coma is highly vulnerable. You can’t cough, can’t breathe, can’t move, and the body can’t control blood pressure or pulse rate very well. Added to that, I was on a ventilator and running fevers because all brain function must be shut down in the deepest levels of sedation.

Of course, I knew none of that. I was just trapped in a world of endless nightmares.

I am in a loop after loop after loop. Dream after dream. In every loop I am suffocating to death. Slowly.

[Facebook entry]

I’m going to keep you updated on Sarah with this Facebook thread as we are overwhelmed trying to take over her life, and handle Llewelyn’s last few weeks.

At the moment Sarah is in ICU, fully sedated, and on a respirator. She has been in a coma a week now. They will do lung X-rays again tomorrow and know how she is doing. The doctors are really confused by what is going on and are testing her for a superbug. We are all very confused and are trying to manage the kids as well as Llewelyn.

We are telling Llewelyn what’s happening to Sarah without traumatizing him. He understands she is very sick. We are all trying to contain it so he is not upset by calls as he’s in a very fragile space at the moment and is in the final phase of his cancer battle.

Llewelyn has moved to his mother’s house and Kath has moved to Cape Town to help care for him now. Both Niall and his best friend Richard have moved in to assist. He is comfortable and has a team of people looking after him.

My mom, Jayne and I are looking after Sarah and the kids. I have moved into her house and am with them. We all go every day to ICU to see her, but Mom has barely left her side.

Hopefully better news soon.

[Facebook entry ends]

Stage 2: Out of the body

[Facebook entry]

Day 8

Just heard from the doctor that they feel she has turned a corner! The X-rays are better, still it’s there, but improved! Going now and will send her all your love.

Liz

Day 9

Mum just been to see Sarah. She has barely left her side. Doctors say it’s going to take a while. She was quite disturbed, think it’s so scary having all these pipes down her, but she is unconscious so won’t remember it.

Liz

[Facebook entry ends]

I have shot out of the hospital.

It was so fast I didn’t even notice it. One second I was hovering somewhere in the corridors with fluorescent lights, the next I was shooting through the air. It was as if I was being pulled forward by a cord to my chest, so fast and furiously it was like a rush of wind and light and freedom.

In real time I have no idea how long I was trapped in these endless buildings and hospital corridors. I still had a vague idea of who I was then. I was . . . well, someone. A person who was scared.

I was still somewhere near my body, the one lying that bed.

But I have left that behind me now. It is such a relief. I have left the hospital and that body on the bed behind me now and I am somewhere else entirely. There is no noise of machines or doctors here. There are no buildings.

I am soaring far away from all that in the sunlight and the world is more familiar. There is a horizon. There is land and sun. I am in the clouds and looking down like a bird in flight.

Now I am no one.

I have no name.

I am not a body and not a mind. I am just a thought. I am nothing. I am just like a feather in the wind.

I am floating across landscapes and terrains.

Freedom and light. Bliss.

I am not in a city familiar to me anymore. I move over some familiar lands, over the sea, but I have moved on now, far away.

I am feeling and sensation. I have a mind that is observing. I want to look around. So, I fly through the clouds. I swoop over the fields.

I do not know I am in a coma.

I am just a lone soul with no name, simply floating. I am content to be here. I can control where I move. I can swoop lower, play with the birds, move through clouds.

So I have thought and I have feeling. But I have no past. The world of nightmares is gone, and it is out of my mind. Perhaps that was yesterday, perhaps a thousand years ago.

I have no real agenda. The only thing I have is a vague feeling of discomfort. Like I don’t really want to be here, and I have somewhere to go, someone to find.

But I am not sure where I want to be.

[Facebook entry]

Day 11

Not great news, there has not been any improvement. Her doctors are worried as they don’t know what is causing this infection in her lungs. They are doing a scope procedure tonight to try and find what’s happening in her lungs and why she’s not improving. The head surgeon had a meeting with us and said it is a medical anomaly. The hospital held a special emergency panel looking at her case, is this some extreme superbug, are other patients at risk. How did it happen?

She is resting, which is what she needs.

[Facebook entry ends]

I am spectacularly aimless. Like a cloud on a summer’s breeze.

But not quite.

Something is pressing me forward. Some elemental desire. It was so slight it was barely an impulse. Just a passing thought.

I must move on.

I am drawn to a particular farm. It slightly resembles a Tuscan summer. Warm fields full of trees bursting with fruit. Green fields and a house on the hill. There is a man there and I am drawn to him. He is a father. There are children with him.

I float down to be with them. They are building this beautiful wooden house. It is a home for a family. A father and two children. I want to be with this family. I spend a long time there. I am in the sun wrapped in my fantasies of another life.

But they do not see me. They do not love me. I will come back another time and visit.

I must move on. I cannot stay here. Not forever. They are not my people.

Stage 3: Limbo

[Facebook entry]

Day 13

Jayne and I just left Sarah. She is stable, though very agitated. The nurse told us things can improve and then go down a bit with this, we need to just take it a day at a time. We are going to try and get Llewelyn to her bedside.

[Facebook entry ends]

I am still in the world of earth, and I find another family.

I travel upstairs. I can move easily and with just a thought. It is that simple. I glide through the house. It is such fun. I can glide. It’s not like flying, it is more just moving. Flying has a sense of freedom and of air. This is just like sliding from one place to another.

I can feel my mom here somehow. She is close by. I feel desperate tears. I can feel her slipping away from me. I pull away.

I will never see her again.

Upstairs I find some children. I play for a long time with them. They are busy with computer games and watching television but they don’t notice me.

There are people in this house but they do not acknowledge me or talk to me. I am not sure if they even see me. They move around me. Talk to each other, but not to me. Nobody can see me or hear me. I am nameless and faceless like a ghost just watching. I am powerless.

I know that I do not belong here.

This is not my place.

I feel one emotion strongly now. Frustration. I want to fly away and be free.

What started as a blaze is threatening to incinerate me. The feeling is all consuming.

I am blazing light.

My will is that I want to get out of here.

[Facebook entry]

Day 15

Another rough day today, didn’t progress as much as we wished for – we are hoping Llew’s visit will help her spirits lift to turn a corner. They have also done a scope into her lungs to extract more phlegm as they are still unclear what the actual virus/issue is that is causing her to be so sick.

Jayne

[Facebook entry ends]

Stage 4: The ceremony to say goodbye

[Facebook entry]

Llewelyn came to the hospital and sat with Sarah tonight. He can’t walk any more as the tumor is growing fast and so he is in a wheelchair, but he sat with her and stroked her hair. I think she was waiting for him to come, and she seemed to relax and rest with his presence. This may be what her immune system needed to start to fight back now!

Liz

[Facebook entry ends]

I am out.

There is no transition. I do not travel. I am just somewhere else. Out of the house. I feel blissful freedom. I am in a new realm. This is not the real world any more. I have left farmlands and horizons far behind. There are no houses here.

This is only a space for spirits and other beings.

This feels good. It is light and good.

[Facebook entry]

Day 17

We are doing all we can on the outside of this coma, but Sarah is deteriorating. I am reading all your messages; we did Lulu’s meditation technique. We talked to her of Jude’s hugs, played her videos of Ruby’s concert recital. Jayne has strapped healing crystals under her bed in ICU. We play her the Kundalini music sent by Trish and the prayers from New Zealand. Her oxygen levels are down lower tonight.

We are keeping the kids loved and supported. They are at school and the school is amazing and know what is going on. They see Llewelyn almost daily after school and lie cuddling with him. He sleeps most of the day now, and eats. We have openly discussed what is happening with him and that he is dying. We have only told them their mom is a bit sick and needs to rest. They seem accepting of that.

Liz

[Facebook entry ends]

I am in the spirit world now. It is vast and endless. It has a physical space. The best way I can describe it is like an endless landscape of trees and warmth. There is grass like rolling green hills and trees speckled in the landscape. It is warm and I feel a rush of relief.

It feels ancient. It feels warm and welcoming and I can hear music pulsing, like song.

They know me here. Even though there is nobody I recognize I know that this is a place where I am welcome. I am loved. I feel my name whispered, even though it is not the name I use. The relief is so great I want to weep with joy.

I have no real idea about what happens after you die. I believe deeply in a God and in a power far beyond me. I have read a thousand books on heaven, on spirit paths and on soul journeys. I call on angels all the time.

But none of this is what happened to me. There was no light. No tunnel. No friends and family to usher me into the Great Welcoming Hall. There was no hall. No angels. No God.

But there was this. And this was one of the most real and visceral things I have experienced. This beautiful, gentle place filled with love. There was music just filling my ears with a peace so empty and vast.

This was a place outside of the physical world. It was a world of souls.

My soulmate is here in this realm.

I can feel him. Llewelyn.

My husband. He is here and I know him. I think I found it because he was here already and he called me here.

I can’t see him but I know he is here. He is with ‘the men’. And they are far from me. They will not let me see him.

This spirit world is a private world. Everyone who is here, is here for the two of us. This is their role. They are all strangers to me. But they are here for this reason alone.

We are here to say goodbye.

A tribe of women come and surround me, singing a slow and beautiful song. They are African and their skin shining and black against the white cloth they wear. There are red beads on them and some of them wear white headdresses with red beads on their heads.

They take me by the hand and lead me to a tree. They are preparing me for a ritual. They dress me in pure white. The song is so beautiful it wells in my chest and pours out of me.

My parents are long forgotten. I have no name.

I know they want me to say goodbye to my Llewelyn. He is going away. The men have taken him, and I know they are preparing him.

‘It is a great battle,’ the women whisper to me. ‘He has to fight the elephant, and the elephant will take him. But he has to fight it still.’

They are preparing him to die.

This is freedom and bliss. I am loved. It is gentle. I am being held and soothed.

‘Let him go,’ they tell me. ‘This is his honor.’

I want to. This feels so right. I want to sink back into the warmth of their arms and let the tears glide hot over my face. I want to give up. I want to give him up.

He has a journey to make. I know he is ready. He stands as the men sing to him. He accepts the robes and the spear. He is proud to be given this honor.

I know he is there. I can feel his ease with this. But he cannot feel me. His vision is on the path ahead and he cannot see me.

But it is me who cannot accept this.

'No', I scream. 'No!'

I will not let you go. No. No. No. No.

The women hold me back as my rage and my pain pours out. I cannot let him go. I am a warrior. I can beat them. I can save him. I am stronger than them. I will not abandon him.

I am fighting the women now. I stand up and take a spear.

No, I say. I will not let him go alone. I can save him.

‘Llewelyn!’ I scream. ‘Wait for me.’

‘Where are you?’

I scream over the hill.

[Facebook entry]

Day 18

She is not having a good day, as her oxygen levels are down and temperature up. We've managed to get permission for Llewelyn to see her again tonight, hoping this will help, but his condition is getting worse by the day and this may be the last visit.

On the outside it is totally crazy! Friends are flying down from all over to say goodbye to Llewelyn. Ingrid is cooking and welcoming them, but she is exhausted.

My mother is furious because Llewelyn showed the kids a photo of Sarah hooked up to all the machines. There is the Cold War of the mothers.

We have had to get lawyers in to discuss what would happen if they both don’t make it. This is seemingly impossible and something we don’t want to face. We need your prayers.

Day 19

She had a tracheotomy done, which is a more long-term solution to her being on a respirator. They have identified an organism they found in her, a bacterium that may have caused a massive secondary infection. She is now on other course of antibiotics. The kids are struggling and missing her.

[Facebook entry ends]

I know he is close. Can he feel me? Don’t go with them. But the singing of the men is loud. It is rising to a chant. It is building in fervor. It is a war cry. I can feel my power. I am strong. I am powerful. I have to find him. I have to find him. I have to get out of here.

When I look back over my coma and the places I visited I sometimes wish I had taken the peace that was offered to me. I see now with more lucid clarity that what was being offered was not my death, but his.

The fight was over already. But I did not know that.

I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight everything and everyone.

[Facebook entry]

Day 21

Sarah took a bad turn last night – she pulled her tracheotomy out in the middle of the night and had to be resuscitated by an emergency doctor. It took over 20 mins to bring her back and then she had to be fully re-sedated again and they had to insert a new one. Not good news.

Jayne

Day 22

Sarah is struggling so much today, she has been fully sedated again, which is a setback. Even in the coma all those tubes and pipes are freaking her out. She has no idea what’s happened, but still she is fighting the tubes, so very traumatic for her and those watching.

Liz

Llewelyn sleeps most of the time now. Sometimes he wakes to eat or get taken to the bathroom. Pain meds are zonking him out too. Mom in bed with flu/exhaustion. Please no visitors, we are all exhausted. Kids are solid and their friends are a huge support.

Kath

[Facebook entry ends]

Stage 5: Floating away

[Facebook entry]

Day 23

Another setback today, they’ve had to redo her tracheotomy a second time this morning. This time she pulled it out with her teeth it seems. This is so tricky as they want to slowly bring her back to consciousness as we know it is the last few days for Llewelyn, but they are not able to stabilize her. They are trying a new approach now, so hopefully this will work.

Liz

[Facebook entry ends]

Floating.

Aeon ago I left the world of men, of form and substance. I am floating away in the universe. I know it is the universe as I can see stars and lights. I move through them. I know the lights are other souls, like me. Formless and free, just bright, blazing, clear lights.

In the empty, vast place I have been in for so long, this beautiful music filled it, like a hum and a song.

Before I had been a star. A being made only of light and energy. Formless and free. It was so peaceful and easy. There were no strings or attachments. It was just endless eternity. It was bliss.

And then, I felt as if something touched me out there, beyond the stars. Something changed.

Interestingly, in the ‘real world’ something was happening that very night.

[Facebook entry]

Day 24

Friends we are holding a collective breathing session and meditation for Sarah tomorrow night. Please all join. We are really fighting for her now and trying to help her find her way back to us.

Liz

We are joining you tonight, praying for Sarah and lifting her up before God – here from the far corner of the world in New Zealand.

Guy Bullen

[Facebook entry ends]

That night they had scheduled a meditation and prayer for me. There was one in my own home in Cape Town and friends from all over were invited. But all over the world people who knew me joined in. My sister Trish in Johannesburg held one at her house, where everyone gathered. My brother in New Zealand joined in with his entire church. Friends in the USA, Costa Rica and the UK joined. Not just family, but friends, churches, groups and people all around the world joined that night.

At the same time, they all sat for a while and lit candles and prayed. My sisters Liz and Jayne led a meditation at my house sending me love and healing.

I have always believed in prayer. It does not matter to me where it comes from – God, the universe, the earth, a higher power – any prayer is pure love. And I felt it.

Because deep and far away, I heard something in the darkness. I heard voices calling me.

It wasn’t as literal as that. It was an awareness that came to me.

Though the dark space I had a clear, distinct, and real thought. It cut through like a beacon calling me.

I know that this was the turning point for me. I have read many NDE stories after waking up and I know that this was the moment I made a choice.

I had a conscious thought for the first time.

It felt as if there were two threads pulling at me.

One thread was my spirit, and that wanted to float away and be free. The other was my soul and it wanted to be somewhere. It was being called back, down and back to family and love.

It was the soul calling I finally heard.

Come home, it said.

So, one clear thought entered my being. It was the thought that drove me for the next week until I finally woke up back in my body.

Back.

Get back.

Get home.

And that thought changed everything.

I needed to get back. Away from here.

The limbo. The purgatory. The surrender. The passivity. The waiting. The dying.

I was getting out.

And NOW.

[Facebook entry]

Day 24

Thank you to all who shared tonight’s beautiful meditation with us. The love and amazing energy from across the globe was felt. So many joined us from far and wide. This is the most powerful medicine ever.

[Facebook entry ends]

Stage 6: The house at the end of the world

Like a beam of light, I was shooting back to earth. Just that single thought made it happen. It was fast and effortless; I shot through the universe at the speed of light.

All of a sudden, I was on another plane. This plane was more familiar to me. It was on earth and there were forms and figures.

This time I ended up in a southern state in the USA. I could see the land and recognize it. I could hear the accents. I felt relief to see forms I knew – rivers, boats, trees and voices and people, rather than just a vast emptiness.

[Facebook entry]

Day 25

Sarah is much calmer today. We need her awake now, it has been so long. If she stays like this they will discuss removing the trachea, which will be amazing so she can breathe alone. It will bring her back on to our side of the ‘wall’.

[Facebook entry ends]

I was fighting my way back to my world. It felt like a huge physical and mythic battle. I imagined ancient warriors who left home to travel the world. They had to fight epic battles, wrestle gigantic beasts and cross impossible rivers.

I still have no name or any sense of who I am. But now something has changed. I know one thing.

I know I love someone and he is fighting for his life and I need to see him. Who is that again?

Llewelyn.

Yes.

I know his name now, but not mine.

[Facebook entry]

Day 26

Been a very hard day for Sarah, she is fighting. She has been so long in the coma that its very fragile to bring them back. The doctor says the recovery rate is only 10%. We need her to live.

They are trying a new approach to bring her out. It’s a very sensitive time now, so we are all just holding our breath and hoping she can find her way back now.

Liz

[Facebook entry ends]

I am back in the world of nightmares. I tear myself closer by sheer force of will. Nightmare by nightmare.

I am in a house at the end of the world. The house is dirty. The bed is unmade. Dirty dishes are in the sink. Llewelyn is there. He is in the house, but I can’t find him.

‘Where are you?’ I scream out. ‘Hellooooooo!’

I am strapped to a metal bed in the middle of a cold room.

I want to get back to my husband now. I want to get out of here. He is here, but he keeps moving away. He is out of my reach.

I am strapped to another bed. I am getting tired of this now.

But my brain is more active now. My brain is working, figuring this out.

Then suddenly Llewelyn is with me.

‘Shhhhh,’ he says and puts his hand on my forehead.

I sob with relief.

‘Don’t fight. It’s just the end of the world. We are both here now. And it is all going to be okay.’

‘Stay with me,’ I say.

But he shakes his head.

‘I have to go, my queen. I just came to say goodbye.’

He leans down and kisses me on my lips gently.

And then he is gone. I can’t see where, because I can’t turn. I am tied to a cold steel bed. Even my head is strapped down.

He has left me alone. I have battled the world for him, and he kissed me goodbye and left me.

Stage 7: The spirit guide comes

I have watched movies about people waking from a coma. They opened their eyes and the fog cleared.

It’s nothing like that.

Waking up from a coma is not a singular event. It is a process of waking up for a few minutes, fighting your way out and into consciousness, and then slipping back under.

In the real world I was still in a deep coma, but the sedation was being slowly lifted.

What I didn’t know was what had been going on in the real world. The world where my body lay, breathing through tubes and machines.

I didn’t know my mother had sat an almost constant vigil at my bed for three weeks. They had talked to me. Sang to me. Played me music. Brought video recordings of my children. Slapped me. Tickled my toes. They had washed me. Brushed my hair. Tried to talk some sense into me. They had put up a photo wall of people who love me.

They had screamed at me. Read me books. They had talked and cried.

I had been too far away to hear any of it.

I had been in a coma for three weeks.

What had happened to my body was severe. I had lost close to twenty kilograms. I was hooked up to a life support machine and one of the side effects of complete inactivity is oedema. This is roughly a swelling of all your extremities. I had compression machines moving the fluids out of my legs, but they were still swollen like fat sausages and I was hooked up to feeding tubes and machines.

I became aware I was in a hospital. I knew there were machines and doctors. I knew I was somehow sick.

I knew nothing else. Although I was somehow back near my body, I still had no idea I was in a coma.

I was just a body in a hospital bed fighting for my life and moving in and out of my body.

But now more awareness came, and there was a man with me.

He was short – far smaller than me – and if I had to guess I would say he was about five foot tall. His hair was a long bob. The fashion magazines would call it dirty blonde with natural highlights. It hung down on either side of his face, tangled and knotted and unwashed. He was about 45, but he was gnarled and earthy. He looked as if he had come out of a forest a long time ago. He was neither Male nor Female, but I somehow knew he was a Male.

He was standing by my bed, and he took my hand. I knew this man was not a doctor. He felt of life, and of the earth.

He looked at me directly. Deep into my eyes. This was strange because it felt as if it was the first time this had happened in a long time (and I was actually in a coma still).

‘Greetings, and welcome back,’ he said.

Formal. Old-fashioned.

His voice was gravelly and rough.

‘I am a healer, and your sister Jayne has sent me to you.’

Jayne. I knew that name. That was the first name I had heard I could relate to. I didn’t have to ask who she was. I knew I had a sister called Jayne. I knew her. It made sense that she had sent him to me. I trusted her.

My brain was fried. I was moving in and out of my body, floating down hospital wards at times and moving back into the bed at others. I was deranged and dangerous. But I knew the truth on an instinctual level.

I was a bit suspicious. He was not a calm, benevolent presence. He moved in a fast, jerky way. He didn’t have wings. His skin was a deep brown from sun and life. But what he had told me rang true.

‘Please help me get me out of here.’

At that stage I did not know I had a tube down my throat and could not have actually spoken. We didn’t need to speak. I knew what he was saying. He knew what I was thinking.

He smiled.

‘You will. In time,’ he said. ‘All in good time. But not yet.’

So the Forest Man stayed with me.

If I track time back, I know how long he was at my bed. It was about four days. He didn’t do a huge amount. He sat with me during my darkest hours. He put his unearthly hand on mine.

‘Just wait,’ he said. ‘You will get out of here. When the time is right. It’s not quite time yet.’

‘I am ready,’ I sobbed.

He would nod.

‘When you are ready, it will be done.’

I was nasty.

‘F#$% off,’ I told him. ‘I don’t need you. Leave me.’

He smiled.

‘You are so full of spirit,’ he said. ‘Don’t waste it now. You have a long road ahead of you. You have lots of things still to do.’

I tried to trick him.

‘I need to hold your hand, please,’ I said. ‘Just untie me so I can hold your hand.’

I planned to pull my tubes out. He smiled.

‘Let me die,’ I told him once.

But as I said that, I knew I was lying. There was no way I was going to die.

Not one chance. Not now.

I had no idea why I needed to live. I was still not aware of my family in a constant vigil at my bed. Nor that I had two children, left at home. I was just a sick person in a bed who wanted desperately to live.

I was still not awake in the real world. I was in a coma and fighting to come out. I would slip between the world of nightmares and this calm space, where I was back in my body, and he was with me.

Stage 8: Waking up

Then he left me. I was still fighting to wake up and moving in and out of consciousness.

But before he did, he bent down, he kissed my forehead.

He stroked my hair.

‘What do I need to do?’ I asked.

He smiled and looked me in the eyes. ‘Have more fun.’

I lay for a long time, looking at him.

Have more fun?

Those three words caught in my throat. I wanted to spit them out. They were so strange to me. Rude, even.

Fun?

What was that? This was not fun. Life was not fun.

How dare he?

How simply dare he tell me that?

That was the last time I saw him in that in-between world. He has come back to me later, in years since. But then, he simply disappeared.

[line break]

The ICU at night is a terrifying nightmare world. Not even Dean Koontz or Steven King could imagine the nights of terror.

It was cold and late at night. I was chained to a bed and I was freezing cold. If felt like an icy underground parking lot. It was industrial with strips of fluorescent lighting. Broken lights were all around and cold metal beds. I was in some of them with a flimsy blanket over me. The cold was bone-deep and biting into me.

It was a hospital. But it was more like a night shelter where the homeless slept. It seemed there was a price to be paid for being there that night. There were so many prices. My first price was that I was chained to the bed. From the icy cold an even colder metal chain was wrapped around me wrists, tying me to the bed. I was not sure how I got here. Did they not know who I was?

But actually, I didn’t even know who I was.

Who was I?

Even writing this, years later, I feel that feeling and I want to just shut down this page. Turn it off. Turn away from the cold and the lights and the chains. Turn away from being a nobody tied to a bed.

I was just a night-dweller lying in a cold bed, alone. I could not talk. I wasn’t sure why yet. But I was silent. There was something blocking my throat.

Then a nurse came up to me through the gloom. She started washing me down with a sponge. It was cold water. Who was she? Who was this freaky bitch from the Twilight Zone washing my pits?

‘Okay, young lady. None of your mischief tonight,’ she said

The slow cogs in my slower brain were turning.

She knows me? Tonight?

Have I been here before?

What was going on? Where was I?

Another nurse came and the two of them held me down. Then a Male orderly. They talk about me.

‘She’s at it again.’

‘You wash her.’

They turned me onto my side.

I was naked. Wet with cold water and getting colder by the passing second.

I wanted to talk. Why couldn’t I?

[line break]

I slip seamlessly between nightmare and reality.

I am in a broken-down hospital wing.

No, I am in a police station being locked in a cell.

No, I am at crazy carnival party with drugs and sex.

No, I am chained to a bed and I am going to die.

No, I am at the party but the police are chasing me. We run and run.

I slip into a sordid club. People are having sex all over.

I had no conscious idea of who I was. No name. No place. I was just a person trapped in a bed against my will.

It is as if I am driven by a deeply primitive impulse. Fight.

[line break]

Gone was the Forest Man. Gone. Gone.

[line break]

Angels come in many shapes and sizes. That night, another one came. A nurse. She sat at my bed and stroked my hair. Then she started to sing softly. Church songs. I knew them. They were in English, then Afrikaans. All the while she stroked my hair and soothed me, like you would a wounded animal or small child.

I turned into her hand, desperate for the touch. Desperate for kindness. Desperate for anyone who could help me.

‘Please,’ I whimpered. ‘Help me get home.’

[line break]

There are more angels all around me. They are foggy, but I know them. Not close like before. Just there in the room, watching me. They will not let me die, but I must trust.

[line break]

Daylight. I open my eyes

My sister Jayne is sitting by the bed talking to me. She has a huge smile on her beautiful face, her blue eyes shining.

‘Sarah,’ she says. ‘You are a very, very lucky girl. ‘

In all the weeks it is the first thing I hear.

Lucky? Why?

I was back in advanced mathematics and a problem had been put on the board. A complex word sum. I just had to figure it out. Lucky.

I fall back under.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: 18/08/2012

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Illness Life threatening event, but not clinical death. I was in a coma on life support

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? Yes This is detailed in my long narrative where I visited houses.

I clearly left my body and existed outside it

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness it was normal level

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? Most of the time once I had left my body

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Were your senses More vivid than usual? More vivid than usual

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. IT seemed similar

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Normal

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes Living people who came to help me fight for my life.

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? No

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm This is described in detail in my book extract. I left earth and was floating in the universe at the farthest point of my journey.

What emotions did you feel during the experience? Fear at first. Then peace and joy.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness

Did you have a feeling of joy? No

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life This was one of th emost clear moments. I was floating in the universe when I suddenly made a clear choice... I want to go home. It was as if I was being called or reminded to come back. This I have detailed in the book extract.

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? No

What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Atheist

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I was involved in the world of shamanism and the being taht came to me to help me cross back over was an ancient forest dweller.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I have changed so fundamentally. To humble, more love, greater joy in life. I lost all my fear

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin I had a long encounter with a group of men and women detailed in my narrative who took me on a ritual to say goodbye to my dying husband.

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I saw beyond worlds and universes. I left earth far behind. I was in the ether with souls and beauty and a feeling of destiny.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? No

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes I very clearly came back with a message that we are given this physical body as a chance to explore, play and feel. The message I was given was this 'have more fun' in this lifetime.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I saw souls and I was a being of light, floating in the universe with other beings of light and energy

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No

During your experience, did you gain information about love? No

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I am far nicer.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? No

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I have always had psychic abilities but they are amplified - I can leave my body more easily but I am not afraid.

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I shared it immediately and wrote it all down. It is now in my book.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes Books. No mine did not happen like I had read... no tunnel. No god. Mine was totally different

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I have connected with some of the beings I met on my soul travels again. Particularly the spirit guide.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? It is great.