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Experience Description A Sparrow Stirs its Wings Click here to check it out Conversations With My Higher Self Click here to check it out When I was 20, I went into early labor with my first baby. After 4 difficult days, I was given an episiotomy from which I lost a huge amount of blood. Two days after my daughter was born, it was decided that a blood transfusion would be started. Roughly two hours into the transfusion I felt I needed to use the toilet and hauled myself up, dragging the bag of blood beside me. Never before or after this experience, have I felt so very weak and floaty. It was a great effort to move. I shuffled myself back from the toilet to the ward and slowly and carefully lay myself down. The ward was empty except for one other new mother who lay opposite me. I smiled at her and realized I was shivering. I have always felt the cold, so at the time, assumed I just needed to warm up. I tried to lay still for a moment and quickly realized my whole body was shaking. The woman opposite me asked me if I was ok. I tried to tell her yes and that I was just cold but my teeth had begun to chatter and my jaw felt too stiff to control, instead, I nodded, still not at all understanding at all, why I was tremoring. I reached for my buzzer to ask a midwife for an extra blanket. As soon as she saw me she pressed a button behind me and within a few seconds I was surrounded. The transfusion was immediately stopped. I saw the woman opposite me staring at me, I was acutely aware of how scared she looked and the curtain being drawn around her. I wanted to ask what was happening, but I could not soften my jaw to speak and almost immediately an oxygen mask was placed on my face. I remember fighting for breath. I remember how hard my chest was thumping. My thoughts seemed scattered, my eyes somewhat frantic and when I noticed my fingernails turning blue I very calmly, internally thought to myself 'Oh, I'm dying.' It was very matter of fact with a hint of 'oops'. I tried to keep myself calm internally. I was talking to myself in my mind, thinking of my family, trying to gain strength from thinking of them. I remember feeling frustrated, annoyed that they weren't there with me, that I couldn't tell them goodbye. I tried to keep my eyes open but suddenly felt so very tired. My eyes were so heavy, so I let them rest and then I was up. I briefly hovered over my newborn baby, hoped she'd remember me, then I was travelling. It felt like I was shooting through a tunnel, but I couldn't see any sides to it. It was dark, but illuminated. I was not alone; I could sense a presence with me. I was tumbling, forward/upward at an unfathomable speed. It felt like wind. All throughout me. Inside of me. I likened it at that age to being on a rollercoaster, that rushing feeling. It was wonderful. I felt so light, so free. Simultaneously, I experienced this fully and watched myself experience this with clear vision from a little distance. I can still see myself tumbling if I concentrate on the memory. This travelling went on for some time until I became aware that I was in a new place. Like a room without walls, without a ceiling, without a floor. I had 360-degree vision and could see all around me. Again, there was darkness, but I did not feel afraid. Again, I felt a presence, and also felt complete trust in this company. A 'movie' for want of a better word, began to play. It was black and white and huge. As if I were staring at a giant screen that filled the whole of every which way I turned. The 'movie' was my life from birth to death, every minute of it, every event I had ever experienced. I watched it and I relived it. It was at this point I realized Time did no longer appear to me as it had in my body. It was as if I were projected into a moment, or dragged through time, backwards before forwards, to re-feel. I witnessed at this point, the sexual abuse I had experienced and suppressed as a young child, as well as out of body experiences I had at this time and at night when I was lying in my bed. I could see myself flying out of body and I remembered. It was at this point I also saw and recalled a guide that had been with me throughout my growing. While watching/re-experiencing each moment, I found I was now able to experience each event through the emotions of all present at each time. I watched my own poor mistakes and learnt from every re-living. I watched myself as a child, bitten by a guinea-pig and in shock, half launch it onto the sofa. I felt shame at this time. Because I felt the fear of the guinea-pig. No one condemned me. I was asked only, what I had learnt. I was comforted at this time. Consoled and reassured. I had learnt so much. How big an impact my seemingly small actions had on a large scale. How my choices and behavior rippled through the lives of countless others. How the Love I showed spread like wildfire. How the way I mistreated others, deeply hurt and affected them and also how that pain, fear and confusion would then impact the lives of others too. In the 'time' I spent in this re-living, I developed a deep gratitude for many things. The experience of life for one. The people and the hearts that had touched my soul in beautiful ways and the fragility of being human. My new found wisdom seemed satisfactory and we were moving. Again, we travelled through the illuminated darkness until I saw a pinpoint of light in the distance. When I saw it, it was like a remembering. I knew where I was headed and I wanted to get there, fast. I can't recall if I was moving myself towards it or if I was being 'drawn' to it somehow but it was a 'need/desire' within me. We moved faster and faster toward this beam of light. It grew in size in my vision, in intensity. I felt like I was flying. We burst into it. And it was indescribable. It was every incredible feeling that I will never be able to describe. It was immediate peace. Absolute, whole peace all throughout me. There was no pain, there was no fear, there was no shame. I felt completely accepted. Totally whole and loved. Loved beyond comprehension. Loved in my entirety. Loved with a Love I have not felt here. Loved with the purest love there can be. I felt I was 'home'. I felt I knew this place/space/being. It was light. It filled every space of my 360d vision. It had no form that I can recall, which for a long time left me with other questions but it was beautiful, and not blinding in the slightest. It was as if I 'merged' with the light, it absorbed me, I absorbed it, we became One, completely. In these moments, I learnt much. About our existence as humans, about our planet and what we as a species need to do to resolve its problems, the healing that our planet and us as people need. I was communicating with the light as well as experiencing being within it and One with it. A conversation began, using telepathy I assume and I was asked if I would like to return. The absolute truth of my soul is that I felt completely insulted at this suggestion. I was horrified at the thought and felt myself loud within me, respond No! There was a pause and I felt a little confused, wondering why this was being asked of me. Again, the same question repeated within me, 'Do you wish to go back?' Again, I said No. There was another pause and then I was shown the baby I had just birthed, lying in the crib beside my body. I was shown much from time to come. Various outcomes that depended solely on whether or not I returned to my body. There would be countless lives that would be touched with this Love if I returned and many that would not know it if I did not. I remember taking what can only be described as a deep, soul sigh. A knowing sigh. An understanding. Immediately after seeing this, and holding the vision of my newborn daughter in my 'sight', her possible future if I stayed, I said 'Yes'. I asked for a moment more and I was granted it. I soaked all the love I could into my entire being. It felt glorious. I felt pure and light and whole and loved and loved and loved. In this 'moment' I understood everything. Creation, purpose, love. Physics, numbers, existence. I was completely at One with all of existence. And then I was shooting backwards and it was cold and dark and I was grieving the light before I even hit my body. It was another 2 days before I could hold my baby. I spent 48 hours lying naked as the day I was born, in and out of consciousness. I couldn't speak. I just lay there and cried quietly. I hurt, everywhere. I felt trapped, restricted, lonely. I missed the light, the love, immediately and immensely. It took my spirit longer to recover than my body, though that in itself was a long time. I was very depressed, for many years, and often dealt with suicidal thoughts because the desire to be 'home' was so great. I was confused for the longest time. I was afraid, I found being in a body painful, restricting and limiting. I am still greatly uncomfortable with it; however, I have learned to love and be grateful for my life and breath. I was at my father's bedside when he passed on 7 years after my NDE when many pieces seemed to fit into place in my mind. I started meditating at this time and rapidly forced myself to recover. From the sexual abuse, the loss of my greatest friend (my father) and excruciating loss of light. I remembered my purpose at this time. I started an online community called 'Bruised But Not Broken' and over the following 6 years built a community of over 700,000 individuals that had experienced sexual abuse, trauma, addiction, loss. Together, we work to heal our wounds and strive to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Since this time, I have also published two books. One relevant to my sexual abuse and healing, the other relevant to my Near Death Experience and time spent with the light and my higher self. My NDE was without doubt, the most incredible and transformative experience of my life. I have never forgotten a single moment of it and doubt I ever will. It took me time, but I allowed it to transform me in the most beautiful of ways and I try every day to live and love the way I was loved in those very sacred moments. Additional questions from Dr. Jeff: In your NDE, you state: It was as if I 'merged' with the light, it absorbed me, I absorbed it, we became One, completely. In these moments, I learnt much. About our existence as humans, about our planet and what we as a species need to do to resolve it's problems, the healing that our planet and us as people need. And: I asked for a moment more and I was granted it. I soaked all the love I could into my entire being. It felt glorious. I felt pure and light and whole and loved and loved and loved. In this 'moment' I understood everything. Creation, purpose, love. Physics, numbers, existence. I was completely at One with all of existence. Any additional comments that you could share about the special learning and understandings that you had during your NDE would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again for sharing your astounding NDE! Kindest regards, -Jeffrey Rachel's Response: I knew I had become One with all of existence because at the time I knew everything there was to know. I think in a way, it may have been somewhat similar to a 'download'.. I don't remember specifically how that happened, but my understanding of my life and our planet and existence greatly and rapidly changed. It felt more like a 'merging', like a re-connecting, a re-becoming. It seemed the answer to all of creation was so simple, almost as if, if I could have, I would have kicked myself at forgetting it. I knew that every living creature has a soul. In the beginning, I would go up in arms if anyone killed an insect in my presence. I still despise this. (Sounds extreme - did to those around me) I think on a couple occasions close after the NDE, I would cry. I would feel the suffering. I would feel disappointed that we as humans are so frivolous with life. I do not watch the news. I do not watch horror films. I have no interest whatsoever in causing or seeing another being to suffer, be it a person, a dog, a spider. I want no part in that and work at every moment of my life to aid those around me. I am compassionate in (nearly) every conversation. I see people on a deep level, I feel what they feel, I understand things from their point of view, even if it does not match my own (which is often). I think life is precious. I think we, are precious and I think we ought to love and respect each other as best we can. My understanding is that we live numerous lives, each with different 'purpose'. This doesn't have to be some big scale impact on the globe though. Because every small action has just the same ripple effect and seemingly 'normal' actions can touch countless lives in wonderous ways. Eg offering a kind word to someone that is hurting, is WAY more important than we understand it to be. This is not just a 'nice' thing to do, but it can be VITAL to said individuals growth or lifepath. The idea is to bring Love to Earth. And to keep choosing it. Not always as easy as it sounds. Hard to do when traumatised, betrayed, lonely, angry. Still, a focal point. Love is an energy, love is alive, love is full of nutrients for the soul (hard to explain). When we love and are loved, we are closer to that light. On a personal level, regarding my purpose.. As people, we hurt and abuse each other on a huge scale. Starting the group online was a shock to my system. I had no idea what a huge number of people were affected by this, truly traumatised on a deep level, by this. I started the page on pure instinct and it has grown beyond anything I felt possible. My understanding is that each experience in our life is a lesson and I strongly believe that we can grow through adversity and gain wisdom to make better choices in the future. I believe every single person presently here, has a 'mission', has opportunities to grow and learn and that we can alter our choices to better our own lives and the lives of the future generations. That being said, it is not easy to recover from trauma, but I have seen countless times through my work (voluntary) that when we do work through the pain, the past and put in a conscious effort to heal from any 'damage', we then present ourselves with an opportunity to change spiritually and emotionally and I have seen that it is easier to search for and find our 'true purpose'. As an example, I have worked with many people that are so deeply depressed, they have contemplated or attempted suicide. Over the months/years they have worked at their healing, they have transformed their lives for better change eg Leaving abusive relationships, taking up work in Life Coaching or Activism. It is a beautiful thing to witness. I see this greatly in my own life also. Regarding a wider mission. Our species has abused our planet. We have not taken care of our home here. We have and still are damaging it in unbelievable ways. We are endangering our own lives, the lives of countless other species living here alongside us aswell as Earth itself, having negative affects on the rainforests, the rising sea levels etc.. I should add here, I am in no way an environmentalist. My understanding, now back in body, is hugely limited once again. (I am not an intelligent or logical person, I navigate my way through life with my feelings) It took me well over a full decade to come even close to understanding this on a larger scale. The time spent prior to this, was solely focused on healing my own inner being and working collectively to heal countless others from the traumas of this life. (Might I add here, to me, a Healer is someone that awakens the Healing Abilities in each individual - Many people insist I saved their lives or saved them from suicide. I believe I helped 'wake them up' somewhat and ultimately, they saved themselves) It has now been 13 years since my NDE and just earlier this year I felt a shift in my perspective. I now wish to support not just my family and friends, not just my following online, but our entire species, globally, and our planet, in healing from the damage done. As an example, I am (attempting) to go Vegan. I am interested in cleaning up our seas, in removing waste from our cities and forests, in supporting those in poverty, in doing what I can to diminish any affects on global warming, climate change etc. These are early days for me in this new venture, but I absoloutly believe this is why I am here. I absoloutly believe, this is vital to the future of Earth and all who do or will inhabit it. Sidenote: When I left hospital after my NDE, I felt deeply that I was to play my part and help 'save the world'. Literally those words. They would repeat in my mind continually. I mentioned this to my family, who I was and am close to and quite naturally recieved a rather sceptical raise of the eyebrows. I understood this reaction and also understood I needed to not go around vocalising it that way. It is however, reflected in all my service. Sidenote that may be of interest: When my firstborn was about 2 years old (it was her birth that ultimately led to my NDE) she asked me if I remembered "when she was the mummy", "when she was a boy". Another child of mine, between the ages of 2-5, would start countless sentences with "when I was an adult", including detailed descriptions of experiences during the life and how he died (often graphic). Another child, would see babies floating by the ceiling (I lost several babies before my children were born) This child at 18months of age, would point, wave say "Mama, look, baby. See baby". All of these things were at the time, far from my thinking. Initially, I felt confused and a little uncomfortable (eg, I could not see the baby by the ceiling). Over the years, I have realised my children are some of my greatest teachers in this life. I do not raise my children with religion but with the understanding that we live on. The child that saw the babies, has a very righteous characterstic and a very deep connected to what he calls 'God'. Our family just recently started attending a church to support him with this. (I burst into tears every time - this is out of my control) My life is FULL of synchronicities, of messages, of rememberings. It would take an age to explain it all. My faith is enormous. My strength is tenfold what it was. My entire existence focuses on Love and it is a beautiful (though at times, challenging) way to live. I am still human of course (though I don't feel it) and in truth it took me many, many years to accept and appreciate this existence. To know the core of you is eternal, not just to hope for that, but to know and believe it.. That has changed every single day of my life for the better. Might I also add, it is hard to recover from an NDE, it is hard to re-establish oneself as a person, as an individual in physical form. At first, it was extremely painful. Touch was painful, sound was painful, the seperation was incredibly painful. No one in my life could understand this, or the great depression I experienced for so long after. My hope is that people will grow to understand not only what an NDE is, but how to be gentle with one another and especially so with a person that has exited their body and returned to it. There is recovering from whatever nearly killed you and then there is recovering from the return to body. Background Information: Gender: Female Date NDE Occurred: 2/6/2006 NDE Elements: At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Childbirth Allergic Reaction The blood may have been infected. Life threatening event, but not clinical death Allergic reaction to possibly infected blood during a transfusion after childbirth How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I saw and was fully aware of the newborn daughter lying beside my dying body I clearly left my body and existed outside it How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal Everything was more vivid. More real than real. I seemed to have so many more senses, or none, I can’t really explain. I heard clearly. I saw clearly. I felt on a much deeper level. At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the Life Review and during the ‘time’ spent within the light Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning I no longer knew time at all Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I had 360-degree vision throughout. Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I heard wind, I heard words, I heard language with no voice. Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? Yes, but the facts have not been checked out Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes It was translucent but solid, very hard to describe. Dark, but illuminated. Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I was aware of my newborn daughter Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin Did you see an unearthly light? Yes The light was alive, the light was pure love. The light was wisdom and knowledge, creation and eternal peace. I communicated with it telepathically whilst simultaneously existing within it Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm The light felt like a world, a space, a place What emotions did you feel during the experience? This is the hardest question for me, I can find no words to accurately describe, I felt so many emotions and emotions I have never felt here or would know how to name. I felt elation, devastation, shame, joy, acceptance, love, all to an extreme we do not really know here, Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others I understood everything there was to understand at the time, Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control I watched and relived a very detailed Life Review, including a number of memories I had suppressed due to trauma Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future I was shown much of my future, some things that I remembered, many I do not. Often, I re-experience these things and internally I acknowledge them as happenings my soul already expected Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life It was agreed during my time spent in the light that I was to return. I would like to say I was lovingly persuaded. God, Spiritual and Religion: What was your religion prior to your experience? No comment Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I give thanks every day, I spent a long time angry and depressed after returning to my body. After many years, I am grateful to be here, grateful that I was sent back even when I didn’t think I wanted to be, I speak to the light, to my ‘light family’, I worship that love and I pray and communicate in my own unique way. What is your religion now? No comment Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I guess I would have expected to see the ‘God’ I had been educated about. Instead I saw ‘God’ as light and love Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Everything about me changed, there is no area of my life that has not been touched and dramatically altered from this experience. Truth is important to me, faith is important to me,trust is important to me. I believe I will exist eternally. I believe ‘death' is just a transition to another space. Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin My entire conversation relevant to love and my return was spent with the light Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I understood I had chosen this life. That I had lived previously and that there is a chance I will live again, in a different body. During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes I felt at One with all existence, and it was indescribably beautiful During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes To me, the light was ‘God’ though I still struggle to use that word and don’t choose it in conversation when describing my experience. It doesn’t fit the description of ‘God’ on Earth. But it was all creation. Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion: During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I understood why I had to return and what my ‘mission’ was and is. During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes To bring as much love as we can to the physical form During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I absolutely knew that my soul/the core of me would exist eternally Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes Compassion is huge, vitally important. That we should love each other in our weaker moments, the way we would wish to be loved. During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes I understood that pain is a teacher and that every suffering is a an opportunity to gain in spiritual wisdom During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Love is the most important thing there is, Love is ‘heaven’. Love can heal our wounds, could heal the world. Love is the most powerful force there is. Love is eternal What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I am more sensitive, to words, to light, sound, smell, touch, I am hugely empathetic and compassionate and always feel another’s point of view, even when I don’t necessarily want to. I can tell if a person is lying and am still hugely forgiving. I see communication from the light in nature, in synchronicities, in meditation. I am now able to meditate and leave my body during meditation. I have travelled to a different reality that is somewhat similar to the reality I experienced during the Life Review, but I have not been back to the light. Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes My first husband and I divorced. This was very difficult for me. Many friendships changed. All of my family relationships changed. At first, I felt estranged from them, now, 13 years later, I feel close to them in a way I never felt would be possible. After the NDE: Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes There are no words to explain some of the things I saw, felt, experienced. There are no words for the color, or for the absence of time. There are no words for the feelings I felt. They are too extreme in comparison, to merely be a comparison e.g. I was not happy, I was a feeling a trillion times more than happy, indescribable to be honest. How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. It remains my strongest and most vivid memory and awareness Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I have random premonitions, a couple big, many small. I seem to have a remembering of things that are to come, that don’t always slot into place until they happen. I follow my intuition always. I do not consider myself a logical being at all. I can now encourage an OBE during meditation and on a number of occasions have communicated with beings outside of my body. I can tell if a person is lying and if they have experienced trauma in the past. Sometimes I get a full on knowing of what it is that a person is currently experiencing, either in their earthly life or in their current emotions. Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? Every moment of it is sacred to me. The Life Review is so special to me because it was here that I learnt and understood. The light was the most significant for me. The most precious to me. Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I did not share it for many years. Not even with very close family. When I did share it, although my family received it lovingly, I became aware it could not be all understood. I greatly feared what other people might say. 13 years after I experienced my NDE, I published a book describing the experience in detail through poetry. My soul was so happy when I did this. Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I absolutely knew it to be real. But still found myself greatly confused as I had no idea what an NDE was prior to my experience. What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real I now wholly accept and understand it At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I have meditated since and sometimes leave my body and experience a scene similar in some way to the Life Review, I have, however, never re-experienced the light. Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? My NDE was the most incredible experience of my life. 'How lucky am I to have tasted Light and still remember the flavor' (one of my poems) Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? I always wanted someone to acknowledge how hard it is, to come back. To feel all these feelings.
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