I was suffering from severe clinical depression and believed I was both unwanted and unloved. I was living with my grandmother who traveled extensively, so I was often alone. I had previously made an attempt and nearly died having to spend five days in the intensive care unit and then a year in the psychiatric part of the hospital. I had been sexually abused. Instead of my father protecting me, he made me keep it a secret. I told a therapist who as a result got child protective services to do an investigation. My father told them I'd made it up. After that, I began to have emotional problems. Eventually my father and I fought too much and I went to live with my mother. She was an alcoholic and I became a live in babysitter for two younger children she had with her abusive boyfriend. I kept asking my dad if I could come back home but he kept saying his girlfriend didn't want me there because I tried to get her son in trouble.It wasn't until my dad received a letter saying he would have to pay child support and then they started fighting over me. I interpreted this to mean they only wanted the money attached to me, but didn't care about me. Anyway, that was when I made the first attempt. After the hospital stay, I went to stay with my grandmother. I felt it was perfect time to die because no one could save me. (Last time my sister was visiting and told.) I took a whole bottle of pills and a knife to the forest area outback. I decided to take the whole bottle of pills and then I went to my room. I went to bed.I remember this long tunnel full of brightness. I was drawn to the light like a magnet. I knew I wasn't in my body but I couldn't see anything about myself. I just knew I was floating. As I got closer to the light, I saw a small group of people standing on my right. They were dressed in long white gowns. A male stepped forward with brown hair and these piercing blue eyes. He said ‘you have to go back. We're not ready for you.’ Then I sat up and it was morning. The first thought I had was, 'There is a God and he loves me.'Blood was dripping from my nose. I called my father and said I don't want to die. He took me to the hospital. I just remember there was so much blood and my dad kept swearing while he was getting me to the hospital. I don't remember much after that except I was in the intensive care unit for two to three days. I didn't become religious right away but I developed an interest in studying religion. In my undergrad, I took a bunch of electives on church. Eventually I found a church and was baptized. I went through a couple denominations: Baptist, protestant, Pentecostal, nondenominational. I lost a child to a miscarriage but have three healthy daughters. I started looking toward the concept of heaven for comfort that my baby was in heaven. I started studying near death experiences to make peace with my experience. I've recently located a spiritual guidance group. As I read and study, I move farther away from the concept of one right way and further toward spiritual enlightenment. I've searched for meaning in why I was sent back and recently a spiritualist told me that God sent me back with a piece of that magnetic light and that I draw others toward me with the yellow and pink auras she sees around me to share my love (though I have no idea what that means).
Date NDE Occurred: October 2000
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Suicide attempt 'Life threatening event, but not clinical death'
I had to be hospitalized and given medical intervention for overdose of pills during a suicidal attempt.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal More vivid colors. The brightness would have been blinding as I am since blinded by bright lights and have passed out as a result of them.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I was being attracted by the light.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
It seemed like it was all so quick but I couldn't determine any lengths of time.
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My vision now is extremely sensitive. My eyes change rapidly and I have astigmatism in both eyes. While pregnant during Summer, I was confined to the house because I would have blackouts from the sun. I also get debilitating migraines.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. No change.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
The experience included: Tunnel
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? An unusually bright light
Did you see an unearthly light? Yes
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I felt peaceful and loved. Wanted.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe Just that God loved me so much and that no one else's love or lack of love mattered as long as I had his love.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Not important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist I knew of the concept of a God but felt there was no existence of one.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I started searching out the truth.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Christian- Other Christian Growing more toward spirituality.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes God was real and life mattered. God wouldn't take you until you were ready.
The experience included: Presence of unearthly beings
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin The beings looked like humans and were dressed In white gowns. The one that talked to me did it without opening his mouth, yet I heard what he said.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? No
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God probably does not exist
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I instinctively knew the light was a being and I was drawn to it
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? No
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are possibly meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? No
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife does not exist
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists No
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I greatly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I slightly fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Slightly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes The light was love
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Prior to the experience I was angry and rebellious. I did' t really like adults or authority. I hated society. I became a nice loving person who wanted to follow the rules and get along with others. I had a thirst for knowledge and still do today.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Yes I became less judgmental of others and have more compassion. I believe everyone is responsible for what has been revealed to them but not everyone is blessed with the same revelations. As a result I now have a good relationship with my family including my stepmother.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes Children were drawn to me. Even children I'd never seen would come up to me or start trailing after me.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes At least four years.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was probably real I knew I should have been dead, yet somehow I wasn't.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Research into other near death experiences and common threads to my experience and the drastic changes in my personality from that time.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
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