I need to start by saying that I was born with double pneumonia and did not get to go home until 6 weeks after I was born. It is possible that I had a near death experience then but don’t remember.
I don’t have many memories of when I was a child but I do remember feeling scared almost all of the time. My dad physically, mentally and verbally abused my mom. I do remember one incident vividly when I was 5 or 6 years old. I was standing in the doorway that connected the living room to the kitchen. When you walked into the kitchen to the right was the dining room table and a door that lead out to the garage where my mom was standing. To the left was the kitchen that had an island with row of cabinets underneath that held the posts and pans where my dad was standing. My parents were fighting and my dad was going crazy. He started picking up the small appliances off the island counter and throwing them at my mom. He threw the toaster, the can opener, the blender and multiple pots and pans. My mom was dodging the items as he was throwing them at her, crying and pleading with him to stop. He threw them with such force that when they hit the door they left dents. I remember crying and feeling like my dad was going to kill my mom. Many, many years later I went back to that house and the door was still there with all the dents in it.
1. I was six years old when my parents got divorced.
2. My mom was married and divorced six times while I was growing up and we moved a lot. We lived in 4 different states and numerous cities, which meant I attended a lot of different schools.
3. Because I was a sensitive child and a people pleaser, I was an easy target for being bullied in grade school through high school.
4. When I was seven, I had the 8 year-old daughter of the women that my dad was dating come to me and my twin brother. They told us that my dad was hurting her. I remember crying with her and telling her it was going to be okay. We were all confused and scared of my dad. We didn’t know what to do so we didn’t tell anyone.
5. When I was 13 years old, I found out why my parents divorced. My father had molested my two older half-sisters, which validated what I already knew. My dad was a pedophile.
6. When I was 14 years old, I found out that my dad had remarried and that I had 2 younger step-sisters and a new baby half-sister. I also found out that I had two other half siblings that I was not aware of. Karen who was 6 months older than me and Jerry Jr. who was 2 years older than me.
7. I always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that my dad may be hurting my step-sisters. So, when I was 19, I came up with a plan. I asked if I could visit and I took the girls to the park. At the park, I asked both my step-sisters separately if dad had ever hurt them. They both told me no. Once again, I choose to ignore the signals and signs and went on living my life. That was the last time I saw them.
8. When I was 26 years old, I married a high-functioning alcoholic, narcissist and a womanizer. Deep down inside, I knew those things about him but I chose not to see. I ignored the signs because I wanted so desperately to have a family of my own and security. I was married to him for 11 years and during that time, I endured emotional, mental and verbal abuse. But, I do not regret it because I have three beautiful, amazing boys.
9. In 1999, I was pregnant with my first son. I found out that my father was found guilty of child molestation. He was sentenced for 44 years as a convicted pedophile, the maximum sentence for the charges in the state that he was convicted in at that time. He is due for mandatory release on 8/28/2036. Because I was in pre-term labor and on bed-rest my family did not tell me about the trail until his sentencing because they were afraid that I would deliver early.
10. In 2002, I had my second beautiful son. The pregnancy and delivery were normal and went beautifully.
11. I was baptized Catholic and raised Lutheran. This will make more sense to you after I talk about my NDE.
It was May 29, 2004 on Memorial Day Weekend. It was a beautiful, warm and sunny day. I woke up that morning in labor. This labor was different from my previous two pregnancies in that whenever I sat or lay down I was in immense pain. I ate my breakfast standing up. On the ride to the hospital, I propped myself up with my arms in order to alleviate some of the pain. When we arrived at the hospital, I was required to sit in a wheelchair to be admitted, even though I told the staff I couldn't sit because of the pain. We finally made it to the delivery room. I was standing at the side of the bed and breathing through a contraction when my water broke. At that point, the nurse told me that both doctors on duty were doing C-sections delivering twins and she would be delivering my baby. I knew in that moment that something was wrong. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. She proceeded to tell me that if I wanted to have this baby that I needed to lie down. I told her that I wanted to deliver standing up and she told me "absolutely not." So, I lay down and the pain was excruciating. I just wanted the baby out because I felt like I was dying. The nurse told me I could push, and a couple of pushes later my beautiful son was born. They placed him on my chest. I got to hold him, give him a kiss, and tell him I loved him before they took him away to clean him up and check his vitals.
The nurse then told me to push again to deliver the placenta. I pushed and nothing happened. She told me to push again and the still nothing happened. She told me to push again and this time she pulled on the umbilical cord at the same time. The pain shot through my body. She tried it again by pulling on the umbilical cord, and again, the pain was horrendous. At that point, the energy in room changed. Everyone was serious and moving quickly. I heard the nurse page the doctor. I don’t know how much time passed before the doctor enter the room but as soon as he arrived, he spoke quickly and very quietly to the nurse. Then he came over to me and pulled on the umbilical cord. The second time he pulled on the umbilical cord it came off. So I had the placenta inside me and no cord attached. At that point he reached inside me and tried to pull the placenta out. He tried 3 or 4 times. I was crying and begging him to stop, so he stopped. He called in the anesthesiologist who gave me a tablet to dissolve under my tongue. He said it would help with the pain but it didn’t. The doctor made the decision to take me to the operating room to remove the placenta because I was bleeding out.
When they were rolling me out of the delivery room to the operating room, I looked at my husband and told him not to leave the baby and to stay with him no matter what. As they rolled me into the operating room, my first thought was that it didn’t look like what you see on TV. It was very small, sterile, and silver. The scene was surreal. As the anesthesiologist was placing the oxygen mask over my face and telling me to count backwards from 50, I thought to myself, 'Do not go to sleep, stay awake.'
The next thing I know, I woke up in heaven or what I like to call 'home'. I had no body but I was me. I was surrounded by angels, loved ones, Jesus, Mother Mary and God. We were all part of this radiant, warm and beautiful light. We were all connected and we were all one. The oneness was deeply profound and breathtaking. They were there, loving and supporting me. The light was the most beautiful white, golden light. I felt immense happiness, contentment, peace, warmth and love. The light was bubbly, sparkling and effervescent, like champagne. There are no words to really express or articulate how I felt or to describe the beautiful light and warmth that I was bathed in. The colors and feelings were a million times magnified. The first feeling I had was that of being unconditionally loved. I say 'feeling' because it was more than just a thought. I truly, deeply and profoundly felt the love through my entire being.
No words were spoken and everything was communicated by thought. My questions were answered before I could finish my thought. In fact, they were answered as I started thinking about the question. I kept feeling and receiving three messages over and over again. I received these messages separately but at the same time. Time as we know it does not exist there, as it does here. The messages that I received were that I was unconditionally loved; that everything is always how it’s supposed to be; and that everything would always be alright. I knew that if I didn’t go back that my children, husband, family and friends would be okay. I wanted to stay but I was not given the option to stay.
I woke up with the doctor yelling at me to 'wake up' and 'open my eyes.' The warmth and light were gone and I was cold. I was angry to be back in my body and back in the physical world. I was angry at the doctor for being so mean when he was waking me up and the fact that he woke me up. I wanted to go back 'home'.
The next morning in the recovery room, I told my husband what happened. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me. It was a look of embarrassment and shame. He told me that I was crazy and that it had to have been a dream. In that moment, I decided not to tell anyone because if my husband didn’t believe me, then who would? It would be 6 to 7 years before I finally told someone about my NDE.
Later that morning, a hospital official, in a suit and tie and carrying a clipboard filled with papers, came into my room and asked me if I remembered anything. I glanced at my husband, who shook his head. I told the official that I didn’t remember anything. He handed me the clipboard and asked me to sign some papers which I didn’t even look at and he left. I thought the entire exchange was odd because that didn’t happen after my first two deliveries. I knew that something happened and I found out what it was ten years later when I ordered my medical records. My heart stopped in the operating room. The medical report stated that I had complications due to a heart disease called Mitral Valve Prolapse (MVP). MVP is when the leaflets of the mitral valve prolapse into the heart's left atrium like a parachute during the heart's contraction. I find it interesting that the doctors and hospital did not tell me that my heart stopped and it explains the hospital official asking me if I remembered anything.
I went into a depression and for the first couple of weeks after my NDE I wanted to go 'home.' I felt guilty and ashamed because I had three beautiful babies to take care of. To me my 'real' home is in the spirit/soul world where there was no judgment, no suffering, no disapproval; just pure joy, creativity, peace and love.
I had been through so many challenging times leading up to my NDE and after years of feeling lost, alone and giving up hope, I no longer had faith. I had become disillusioned but after my NDE, I knew that even in my darkest hours when I felt isolated and separated that I was never alone. I knew that I was loved beyond measure. I had hope again.
My life changed drastically after my NDE. I started making positive changes in my life. I started to figure out who I was as a person, what I liked, what I wanted, and most importantly - that I needed to love myself. When I started to realize that I was a worthy and deserving of love, I started to change. For some of my friends and family it, was too much of a change. I lost some of my family and frieds along the way.
After years of being the primary income earner and supporting our family, I finally took a stand with my husband. I told him he had to get a job that earned more money, either in Colorado where my family was from or Santa Barbara where his family was from. We needed help with the children and had a family support. Two years after my NDE we moved to Santa Barbara because my husband was offered a Media Relations job.
Three years after my NDE, I filed for divorce after my husband cheated on me with my long-time best friend. I had finally had enough!
In 2007, after my divorce I was laid off from my job as they had outsourced their entire mortgage division. In 2009, I lost my job for the second time.
On March 28, 2011 I received a call that my mom had a stroke and that she had 2 hours to 2 weeks to live. She passed away 2 days later on 3/30/2009.
On March 26, 2012 my cat, Rlus who I had had for 19 years passed away from old age.
On March 24, 2013 my dog Lily who was 7 year old passed away from a stroke.
In December of 2013, I was laid off for the third time as they shut down multiple mortgage divisions throughout California. In March of 2014, I started as a credit analyst on a temporary basis with no benefits. I took an $11 pay-cut because I was going into an entry level position as a Credit Analyst. In September of 2014, I received a letter from my landlord that my rent was going up from $200 a month. I didn’t know how I was going to pay the rent let alone the bills. I had used all of my savings and cashed out my retirement to help supplement my income over the years. With the rent increase, I was in financial distress. That evening I fell to my knees, crying and praying to God. In that moment of despair, I clearly heard the 3 messages that I received during my NDE and I knew, I just KNEW that everything would be okay. The next morning, I woke up and found an affordable apartment. I had been looking for a new place to live since December and had thought that I was going have to live out of my car.
In March of 2015, I was hired on permanently, which included a raise and benefits.
I know that my experience was a gift and the messages that I received continue to guide me and help me get through this life. I do believe that we are all one and that we are all connected. Yes, I’ve had a life full of obstacles but I have never been happier or content with my life then I am right now. I may not have it all, but I most definitely am surrounded by wonderful, supportive and loving family and friends, and that makes what I don’t have less important.
I now have hope in the face of challenges, hardship and loss and I never lose sight of the light. I know that I’m never alone because I am unconditionally loved. I know that everything is always as it’s supposed to be and even in my darkest moments I know that everything will be okay. It might not be tonight, tomorrow or the next day, but it will be okay.
I know that giving back is extremely important and I volunteer when I canl. And, in 2014 I started writing a book about my life with the hope that it will help at least one person.
I have learned that you have to trust your intuition no matter what, and listen to that voice; to trust that thought and do what you have to do. I have learned that your past does not define you. It wasi s not a life sentence, but it was a life lesson.
I have learned that we have to protect the children. If a child ever tells you that they are being hurt or if you suspect a child is being hurt, do not turn your back on them and do not walk away. Report what you know or suspect to your local authorities or to child protective services. Let that child know that you believe, support, and love them. Give that child hope and let them know that they can trust an adult. Be their advocate, their voice, and their hero!
I have learned that you have to love yourself and that there is always something to be thankful for. Everything is ok in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. And, most importantly, I have learned that joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing, not even death, can take that love away.
I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Helen Keller: 'Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It's what sunflowers do.'
Date NDE Occurred: 5/29/2004
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? No. Childbirth. Allergic Reaction. While under general anesthesia Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function)
How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant
Did you feel separated from your body? No
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. There are no words in our vocabulary to explain the feelings, thoughts, colors and time. Time there does not exist how it does here.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When I woke up in the beautiful, warm and Golden light. Through the entire experience until I was back in my physical body.
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning.
Time lost all meaning. Time there does not exist as it does here.
Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I saw colors that don't exist here and there are no words to describe them.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I didn't use my hearing. Everything was communicated by thought in a split second.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I sensed their presence
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. I was also surrounded by Angels. I was aware that my children, family and friends would always be alright. No matter what, they would be okay. Whether I stayed or went back, my loved ones would always be okay.
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Did you see an Unearthly light? Yes The color and feeling of the light is indescribable. We have no words in our vocabulary to accurately describe it and do it justice. It was a beautiful, warm, Golden-White light. It was encompassing and we were all apart of it. We were all connected in the light. The light is energy. The light is Love.
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm. I was 'home'. I was me, but at the same time I was connected to everything else.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? I didn't see any earthly events but I had knowing and understanding of everything.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? Incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt united or one with the world
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe. I had complete understanding of everything.
The experience included: Life Review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No. I had understanding of all things.
The experience included: Future Visions
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from my personal future. I has a complete and total awareness that my children, family and friends would always be okay. I don't know how to explain or articulate this to you.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Not important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Nothing in particular- Religious unaffiliated. I was baptized Catholic but raised in the Lutheran church. At the time of my experience I was not practicing religion.
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I no longer believe in organized religion.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other faiths- New age. I no longer believe in organized religion.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. Before my experience, I was not sure about how I really felt about organized religion. After my experience, I no longer believe in organized religion. Before my experience, I was labeled overly-sensitive but after my experience I knew that it was a gift and that there was nothing wrong with me.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes Before my experience, I felt unworthy and unlovable. After my experience, I know that I am unconditionally loved and that I am never alone.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin. I was surrounded by Beings: Angels, Loved ones, and God. When I had a question, it was immediately answered even before I could finish asking the question. All communication was done by thought.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I sensed their presence
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes I was surrounded by God.
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I don't remember specific information but I had complete understanding. And knew that we have lived multiple lifetimes. Again, this is hard for me to articulate.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes We are all apart of the light. The light is energy. We are energy. We are all connected; we are all one. The light is Love and God.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God definitely exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I was surround by God. The light is Love. The Light is God. We are all connected. We are all one.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I feel other people's emotions and I can feel their pain. I have studied energy healing and have the ability to help people.
Did you believe that our earthly lives Are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are probably meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes We are here to learn to lessons so that our souls can grow.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife probably exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists. Yes Our souls continue on. We shed our physical bodies but our souls are still very much alive. We continue.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I moderately feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Greatly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives Are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are probably meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes Yes, we are here to learn to lessons so that our souls can grow.
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Yes, we are here to learn to lessons so that our souls can grow.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life. Spirituality is important to me but not religion.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I cut a lot of people out of my life that were toxic to me. And, I lost some people because I had changed.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Again, there are no words in our vocabulary to explain the feelings, thoughts, colors and time. Time there does not exist how it does here.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Yes I'm empathic and can sense how people feel and if they are lying to me. I can sense other peoples' pain. I can receive messages through Tarot cards by running my hand over the cards and feel energy of the card I'm supposed to draw for the message. I also am very accurate using a pendulum.
Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you? The feeling of unconditional love, joy and Happiness. The three messages I received.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes. It took me 6 to 7 years after my NDE occurred to share it. I only shared it with close family and I don't think they believed me.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. I never doubted the experience was real even when my ex-husband told me I was crazy.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. I believe it was real with no doubt in my mind or heart.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Meditation
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? Thank you for letting me share my experience.
Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Thank you!