My husband committed suicide on October 7th. I found him in our bathtub. He looked as if he were sleeping with the gun in his hand. A month later, I wanted to follow him. Not only the want to be with him, but the pain and anguish I was going through, I wanted not to feel the pain any longer. My roommate was home, and I asked him to just leave me be, and to let me go. He agreed. When I was sure of it, I drank half of the fifth. I began getting really drunk so I decided to take an anti-nausea pill. I then proceeded to take other pills. I don't remember much after that. My roommate told me I fell to the floor and started foaming from my mouth and convulsing. He moved me to my side and called 911. According to the reports, I had stopped breathing and my heart had stopped. They intubated me, and did chest compressions. I don't remember any of this except for seeing the very top of the ambulance then everything was suddenly black around me. It was like, flat black in color, and I could feel it. I was in peace for the first time since my husband’s passing. I felt love, and some type of ‘non-caring’. I am not sure if it was my husband’s presence there, but something wrapped its love around me. I remember acknowledging myself as being ‘alive’, but not remembering the suicide, or anything for that matter. However, regardless of all of the pills and booze I consumed, I was no longer drunk. Everything was quite focused, regardless of the black that surrounded me. I had a feeling I had been here before as well. I woke up with a jolt, like I was literally slammed back into my body. I had tubes coming out of my throat and many tubes in my arms with antidote, and other stuff going into me. I was extremely angry, (completely against my normal nature) and irritable that I had survived. Later, I was admitted to the mental facility, once I was medically cleared. I was not diagnosed with any depression, however to this day I show extreme symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and a constant fear of the unknown. Almost as if I feel like I don't belong here anymore.
Date NDE Occurred: 11/14/2013
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain. Suicide attempt. Clinical death (cessation of breathing or heart function or brain function)
I drank alcohol and took drugs.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Entirely pleasant
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes Just at the beginning when I saw the top of the ambulance doorframe right before entering the black.
I lost awareness of my body
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal When I became ‘self-aware’ in the blackness, and especially when I realized I wasn't in any more pain. It was as if I was being held in a waiting room, and I knew that I was loved. I knew somehow that I am not finished with my time here. I knew other things, but cannot describe them. I realized I was a part of a bigger picture.
Were your thoughts speeded up? No
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No
Were your senses more vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I could see in this ‘darkness’, though, there was nothing to see. I didn't bother looking at myself because I knew, somehow, that I was not made of a physical body.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. I don't remember hearing anything, but I remember my ‘knowledge’ of my heightened senses. It’s hard to describe.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Uncertain I am still trying to remember, and small bits come, but I do not remember a tunnel.
Did you see any beings in your experience? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Uncertain
The experience included: Darkness
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? No
Did you see an unearthly light? No
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? A clearly mystical or unearthly realm I was in darkness but could feel as if it were a place I had been, so I knew it was ‘a place’.
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Like I had a million pounds had lifted off of me. I could fully ‘breathe’, though I had no breath.
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Incredible peace or pleasantness
Did you have a feeling of joy? incredible joy
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt no longer in conflict with nature
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about myself or others Only that I knew there was ‘more’.
Did scenes from your past come back to you? No
Did scenes from the future come to you? No
Did you come to a border or point of no return? No
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Moderately important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Do not know
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I now read constantly in the areas of philosophy, religion, the universe, quantum physics, Biocentrism, and follow my new creed, which is: only to have compassion and love for everyone, and even the earth itself.
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Greatly important to me
What is your religion now? Other or several faiths I have been studying many philosophies, and other religions.
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I've always known there was more out there, or after this part, but I had never been there before and am not the type to speculate on things in which I do not know.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I have become completely, 100%, compassionate for my fellow brothers and sisters. I have become more spiritual, and now pray, and speak to God and Shawn, my husband, frequently. I thank God now for everything at least 20 times a day.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin It was more an emotional connection with ‘something’ there. I am not sure if it was my husband, or God, or an angel, or the Mother Theresa or anything like that, but it was a strong awareness of a connection, and some kind of knowledge that I wasn't ready to be there.
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Uncertain I do not know who it was.
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes It was just a part of my new knowledge while I was there. And kind of here...
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? I was uncertain if God exists
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Uncertain There was a great feeling of love, and happiness. Something outside of me, putting the effort into loving me.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? God definitely exists
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I have lost all desire to take my life. I have a ‘feeling’ I will be joining my husband soon. I have AIDS, and my cd4 dropped from 650 to under 50 in less than 3 months. But I also feel as if I have a purpose, to help others in any way I can, and to love everyone, no matter who they are.
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes Plain and simple, just to love.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife definitely exists
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists Yes I just "knew" that there was more, and had I stayed, I knew all would be okay, but I wasn't given a chance to say yes or no about staying.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I slightly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I do not fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? No
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes I was made out of love, or so it felt like my being was just love. And the presence with me was love.
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life Large changes in my life. Though I still feel the tear in my heart from my husband’s passing, I know that he is okay most days. Some days, I am still just sad, with something in the back of my mind telling me I shouldn't be sad.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes Yes I am more kind. I have mended many bridges burned. I forgive all the wrongs done to me. I feel complete love for everyone, though at times I have been angry with them.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Uncertain Some yes, other parts, no.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience Due to the overdose, I had short term amnesia, and still do not remember all of the details in the ICU. The loss of pain, and blackness, and being happy and weightless stands more vivid.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain I only have a feeling of ‘everything is as it should be’, and ‘everything happens for a purpose’, but do not claim to know why. I also have a deeper connection with other people. I see them differently now. As if they are all a part of a beautiful, sad, and purposeful existence. I see God in everyone.
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I began sharing within 2 weeks.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes I have heard things about them, but never truly speculated.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real I feel as if it were more real than I am now.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real Something like this has never happened to me before. I am a very ‘scientific’ person. I believe what I experienced was more real to me, and many others, whereas in the past, I just wrote it off.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? No
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