After several hours of being ill, I felt like I was in complete confusion, sickness, and disorientation. Then I had a feeling of severe stabbing and burning pains in my chest. A friend led me to a bed to rest.
I look towards the window and I saw a swirling portal in front of me. It’s so beautiful and so colorful. It looks like something I’ve seen before, but I have no idea where. The main shape is a deep dark blue, and it's changing shape constantly. Around and behind it are other crystal-like colors that are moving too.
The portal is growing bigger and bigger, until all I can see is the portal. Then I was inside it. I look around and all I can see is endless space. It feels like I’m in the middle of the universe and travelling through it. I can see forever, no words can describe how far I can see or how big this place is. It’s more than you can ever imagine. It’s endless but somehow the huge size of it all doesn’t seem overwhelming and I don’t feel small. It feels like the whole place is taking care of you and it feels like freedom.
There were colors flying around everywhere in this dark space, like shooting stars in the distance. Some colors are up close; some feel like they’re behind me; and some colors feel like they’re inside me. I can’t explain. I remember that I saw colors that I’ve never seen before. When I saw the new colors it made perfect sense. It was the feeling of 'Oh, of course that colour exists. How did I ever forget about it?' Everything seemed so familiar and unusual at the same time.
I could see planets, stars, and galaxies. I can feel the earth far behind me. I’m travelling deeper and deeper through the universe. I can feel something pulling me towards it. It is a force stronger than gravity and it’s calling me. The colours are fading and the planets and shapes are becoming fewer and fewer. It feels as if I'm getting close to the very edge of the universe now. I can feel it. Then suddenly, there is perfect silence, perfect peace, and 100% calmness.
I’ve crossed a boundary, and I’m not in the universe now. Instead of darkness, everything is the creamiest white you’ve ever seen. It’s not just a plain color, because it seems to have a texture to it. It is a creamy milky-texture, crossed with rubber, but also at the same time it was as light and thin as air. Words can never describe it. It was like being bathed in melting wax, but without it ever sticking to you. You can’t feel it on your skin, you can just see it everywhere.
I can tell there is no time or space any more. Time doesn’t make sense to me now. It feels stupid that I ever believed in time. I can feel myself melt into my surroundings. I can feel everything that ever existed before me and I can sense millions of years ahead. I can't explain it, but it's as if all of this knowledge was suddenly released and given to me. I suddenly know that ‘life’ will last forever, because I’m at the place that everything came from. I can feel it. This energy/place is so big that I know nothing can ever destroy or create it. It would be impossible. This thing I’m in, it must be ‘God.’ It is not a man or a creature dictating over the world. It is just a force that is an endless and infinitely powerful ‘thing.’ But again, the word ‘thing’ doesn’t do it justice. It is existence itself. It runs through everything; it is everything, from a stone to a drop of water, to a bacteria, to the stars in the sky and even ‘nothingness’. It is everything. I can feel it.
Then suddenly, I fall. I’m falling deeper and deeper and faster and faster. Everything is going dark. The further I fall, the blacker it gets. I want to stop falling but I can’t control it. I notice that I don’t seem to have a body anymore. How am I falling without a body? Suddenly, the fall stops. I’m in a dark space. It’s blackr than I’ve ever seen before. It is a thick, dark blackness. It is huge and almost endless, but something about it feels smaller than the place I was before. It feels like I’m underneath something but I don’t know what.
It’s silent here too. There’s nobody or nothing else here. The way I feel here is different. There’s no happiness or excitement here. It’s just boring. There isn’t unhappiness either, just indifference. It feels like there’s nothing to learn. That’s a strange way to describe it but that’s how it felt. It was like I was in a place where there was 100% nothing. I would never learn anything there and would never communicate with anyone or anything.
In the distance, I saw a bright light that was getting closer and closer. Either I move up to it or it moves closer to me; either way, it is a lot closer to me now. I saw a regular bull, but it is made of fire. Its size is indescribable and larger than anything I've ever seen. Flames gently bathe its whole body. The bull is walking calmly and purposefully through the darkness. When I see the bull, I suddenly sense a cold, wet feeling, but I don’t know where it’s coming from.
The bull turns and looks at me. It looks calm and peaceful. It nods its head at me, almost bowing, and keeps walking. I can sense that it’s really intelligent and friendly but he doesn’t speak. The bull turns its head back again, and with a flick of its neck, it gestures for me to follow him. I start moving behind him. He’s leading me somewhere, but I don’t know where or why.
I’m still feeling completely bored. I don't want to be in this place. 'Bored' might seem like a strange way to describe this period. But it really was as if there was 'nothing' here. It was almost like torture.
Suddenly, I feel something lift me. I hear a single voice say, 'Don’t follow him.' I’m being lifted higher and higher while everything is getting lighter again. I’m back in the white place, the part where everything is. This time there are other things there, organised colours were everywhere within the whiteness. A kaleidoscope would be something slightly similar, but it was more than that. It was so spaced out and complex. White was still the main color but there were thousands of other colors everywhere dotted in mathematical shapes and patterns. Shapes and colors unfolded, grew and glistened; others pulsated and some just floated around.
'You’re home now,' seemingly thousands of voices said to me. All were speaking at the same time as one voice. But it wasn't like I heard them with my ears. It's like they communicated directly with my soul. I replied that I don’t know where I am, even though I did know, I didn’t want to admit to myself where I was.
They replied, 'This is where you came from and this is where you’ll end,' they kept repeating it, again and again. The colors pulsated with their voice. As they spoke, I could feel and see a timeline of the whole of existence. It was like they were showing it to me.
I could see everything, not just our galaxy. I saw the whole universe. I could see the big bang. Although it wasn’t a bang, it was more like a slow drip. It was like a material being stretched and slowly a hole formed in the middle of it. We are in that gap. I begin to understand it was this ‘god/energy’ place turning itself into existence. It made a rule; as if it made a game and set wheels in motion. Everything started from a small point and grew from there slowly. The universe is a thing that created itself and is watching itself. We’re all part of it. This ‘place/thing/existence’ that created us and is us, doesn’t know where life will lead. That is what it enjoys.
The voices tell me to let go. They explain that they think I’m still clinging onto myself as a human. I say I’m not ready to join them yet. They tell me that I’m being irrational, because I am them. They say it’s time to come home. They assure me that it will only be temporary because energy always needs to be reborn over and over again. I’ll transform into something else one day.
Suddenly a flash of memories hits me. I remember myself as a thousand different insects all at once. I remember another time where I was being eaten by something. I remember being born and being here before.
I tell them I understand, but I still haven’t finished my life as a human yet. I still have a lot to learn, a lot to see, and I want to see the people I love again and let them know how much I care about them.
The ‘existence/energy’ tells me that I can still see them. They say they’ll show me. They tell me to reach out. Even though I have no body, I reach out somehow. I can’t see anything reaching, I can just sense that I am reaching. Suddenly the whiteness feels like it’s fusing with me. It’s so warm, it’s flowing through me and I’m merging with it. The thousands of voices tell me that this is energy, this is what everything in existence is made from, and that it flows constantly through everything. They explain that because this flows through everything, it means that everything and everyone is connected. They say that this bright, white energy even exists in the air, in the space between things, and in space itself. Even in places where we see nothing, it’s filled with energy.
They say that because I am now returned to the source energy, I can now flow through anywhere I want. They show me and I visit my loved ones, but I don’t actually see them, I just feel them. The life-force then shows me worlds and places I’ve never imagined, so far away from earth where other life exists and some places that are just completely empty. I distinctly remember seeing another planet with a huge a grass plain, with trees dotted around it. It didn't look like anywhere on earth because the grass was almost as tall as the trees. Running through the trees was something that looked like a cross between a Yak and an Orangutan. It was a huge, muscular animal charging quickly through the wild. I'm then shown more and more places; some remarkable and some unremarkable. I realise just how huge the universe is. Earth is just a tiny part of an endless world.
Then in a flash I’m back in the white energy again.
I tell the 'energy' that seeing the people I care about isn’t enough. I want them to be able to see me, and so I need to go back to my body. I want the people I care to not be alone and I can at least say goodbye. They tell me not to worry, everybody will remember me because I have made an impact on their lives. They say I will live on in their memories and even though they will be sad for a while, they will get over it. Eventually the people I love will also return ‘home’ so I shouldn’t worry.
I can feel myself getting sad. Even though I feel like I’m home, completely at comfort, and fully trusting these beings and this place, I still have this unshakeable feeling that I’m not ready to return to that place yet.
They can sense how I’m feeling. They continue to tell me to let go of myself as a person. That I am just a form that their energy has taken and now it’s time to be absorbed back into the energy. I hear the voices say, 'Look, we’ll show you'. Suddenly I can feel that I’m back in my human body, but I’m viewing it from inside my brain. I’m in the very middle of my brain and I’m infinitely small, surrounded by millions of honeycomb-like shapes. I was divided by large chasms and separated into different areas. I can see my brain working. There are only three colours here: Red, Yellow and White. Each individual honeycomb, what I assumed to be cells, is flashing between the colors depending on when it’s being used.
The energy introduces me to my brain. It turns out that my brain isn’t just one thing, it was as if it were segmented into several different areas. They showed me where my personality was kept. I saw how I was nothing but a bunch of memories and training that made me think I was a human. My brain then said ‘watch’ as I moved to a different area of it. I saw pulses of electricity moving from my brain to my heart; it seemed so simple, like a machine. It seemed especially simple compared to the endless universe I had seen before.
The energy explained to me that my body was just a machine. My personality was just imaginary and shaped by the things I’ve seen. They said the only reason I exist is to see things and to experience life. They said all the things I see and experience are sent back out into the universe. They said that the universe is always learning, by watching itself through all of our eyes. They also told me that humans are no different than animals, and that they were created equally. The universe wanted to create as many different experiences as it could, and that’s why there are so many variations in life-forms and species.
They said that there is no ‘life-span’ or plan. That I should understand that I’ve lived and that’s all I needed to do. They explained that it doesn’t matter when you die or how. They explained how life isn’t a competition to stay alive the longest. If I were to die, then I shouldn’t worry that I didn’t last long. I will never truly die, I will just change. It will only be my body that dies.
As they were saying this I could feel heavy vibrations beginning in my toes and then moving up through my body. It was as if my body was made up of thousands of grains of sand and they were all vibrating at different frequencies. I could feel myself peeling from my body. It was slowly, like Velcro being torn from fabric, or chicken meat being pulled from the bone. I was now two things, a body and an ‘existence’. In my body, I could feel all of my muscles relaxing, my shoulders fell back, and my head fell back. I felt my jaw flap open, my tongue relaxed and I heard a ‘crunch’. Suddenly, I didn’t weigh anything because I was freeing myself. I had completely left my body behind. My body wasn’t mine any more because I wasn’t in it any more. I had freed myself and joined them like they asked. I finally accepted what was happening.
The honeycombs disappeared and I’m not in my brain any more. I’m with ‘them’ somewhere where we all began. The thousand voices break into conversation, telling me stories, reciting poems, singing, and telling me about history and about the future. Instead of being slow and calm it feels like everything is happening quickly now. It’s almost too much to comprehend. I suddenly feel sad again. Again, I tell them I don’t want to be there. I want to learn more as a person. They ask ‘Why?’ as if I had just told them the most stupid thing they’ve heard. I don’t answer them. They then explain that they have some people there that I know.
I looked up. Standing above me, almost like a giant, is a lady I know who died recently. She looks down at me and repeats everything that I have just been told, but without moving her mouth. She says how we are all energy, how everything is connected, and how I shouldn’t be afraid. She says that nobody wants to be here but we all must go eventually. She said that she will take care of me so I shouldn’t feel sad or worried.
I asked her, 'But if you’re energy now, then how come I can see you? Why do you still look like a human? Why haven’t you turned into another creature on a planet somewhere?' She doesn’t directly answer my question. Instead she explains that the universe is a huge place and that there’s so much energy around; even more than can fit in the universe. She tells me that it can take millions of years until it’s your turn to return to into a ‘Being’ again, but that it doesn’t matter because you can’t feel time when you’re energy.
I explain one more time that I’m not ready for that yet. She replies something along the lines of, 'Then you better do something about it'. I suddenly find myself jolting up in bed with my throat filled with vomit. I can feel a tiny bit on my chest. I’m coughing it all up. The sun is shining through the windows, and I feel really ill. My chest is pounding and the room is spinning, but suddenly I’m aware that whatever I experienced is over. 'I’m not dead,' I said to myself.
I feel numb, in shock, anxious, scared an unable to process what has happened. It’s so much for my mind to comprehend. It was every emotion you can ever imagine, and it was the most significant thing to ever happen in my life.
Date NDE Occurred: 1st August 2015
At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Uncertain. Drug or medication overdose. Other: I have no idea but it felt life threatening. I had severe chest pain.
I did not get taken to a hospital. We were abroad and didn't want to risk trouble, so I have no diagnosis. However, it certainly felt like I was dying with severe illness leading up to this event. There is no comparable feeling at all. I cannot explain it.
How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing
The experience included: Out of body experience
Did you feel separated from your body? Yes I Saw/Felt people I cared about going about their every day lives on the other side of the world.
I clearly left my body and existed outside it
How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal. It's indescribable. It's like being aware of everything in existence.
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? When merged with the energy
Were your thoughts speeded up? Incredibly fast
Did time seem to speed up or slow down? Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning.
Time didn't make sense any more
Were your senses More vivid than usual? Incredibly more vivid
Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. Every day vision is with your eyes. This vision I had didn't feel like it was using my eyes. It was non-directional. I could see every direction all at once. It wasn't even as if I saw from once central place; it felt like I could see from multiple places at once. Everything was also much much sharper. When I saw some shapes unfolding before me they had incredible detail and sharpness that was greater than anything my eyes could ever see. It was like I could zoom in onto them forever, and the closer I looked at these shapes, the more and more detail unfolded. Endlessly.
Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. It wasn't like hearing with my ears. It was just knowing. I could understand communications and words but they weren't being processed by my ears.
Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by ESP? Yes, and the facts have been checked out
The experience included: Passing into or through a tunnel
Did you pass into or through a tunnel? Yes It wasn't a tunnel in the physical sense. It was like a dark shape that enveloped me. I didn't travel through it. It grew around me until I was swallowed by it.
The experience included: Presence of deceased persons
Did you see any beings in your experience? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? Yes recently deceased
The experience included: Void
The experience included: Darkness
The experience included: Unearthly light
Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? An unusually bright light
Did you see an Unearthly light? Uncertain
The experience included:
An unearthly landscape or city
Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? Some unfamiliar and strange place. A saw a few different places. One was like space and had planets and stars, etc. One place was white-like energy. Another place was just dark nothingness.
The experience included: Strong emotional tone
What emotions did you feel during the experience? Peace, Happiness, relief and Sadness
Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness
Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness
Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? I felt no longer in conflict with nature
The experience included: Special knowledge or purpose
Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? Everything about the universe. I understood everything about the universe like how and why it was made, how it's all connected. I understood the meaning of life, some of which, I can still remember. Some of which has faded with time. It was quite traumatising to begin with, for several weeks afterwards, I felt like I knew too much and couldn't relate to people. I'm glad those memories have faded.
The experience included: Life Review
Did scenes from your past come back to you? My past flashed before me, out of my control. I became aware of my life as not just my singular experience of myself as I am now, but instead saw it as an endless string. I am made of all the things that came before me and I could sense parts of those earlier experiences.
The experience included: Future Visions
Did scenes from the future come to you? Scenes from the world's future. I could see an endless line of the universe's history and future, places that haven't been made yet, but somehow they still existed at the same time. It was as if the future was no different than the present. I could see things ending and beginning constantly. It was not on the level of individuals, that seemed insignificant. It was more on a universal level with new universes forming and ending constantly.
Did you come to a border or point of no return? I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life. There was a point where I felt as if I had decided to die. I felt like I was definitely dead. Then I was provided with a chance to return, and I returned very suddenly.
God, Spiritual and Religion:
What importance did you place on your religious/spiritual life prior to your experience? Not important to me
What was your religion prior to your experience? Unaffiliated- Atheist
Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes Still not religious. But I am more spiritual and open to the idea of a higher being. I also developed an interest in old chinese religions that focus around humanity and karma
What importance do you place on your religious/spiritual life after your experience? Moderately important to me
What is your religion now? Unaffiliated- Agnostic
Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience. I used to think of near death experiences as people being crazy or hallucinating. But after experiencing one, I can now confidently say it felt more real than anything I've experienced.
There was also the strange time when I saw a bull made of fire in a dark place, and briefly I thought it seemed like what I've heard about hell. Which is strange because I am 100% not religious and still am not now.
Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes More spiritual, but not religious. I have developed a belief in something greater than us. And also a belief that we, on earth, are all interconnected and in this together.
Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin It wasn't one being or voice. It was thousands, or maybe more, but they were all made of the same single thing. I can't explain
Did you see deceased or religious spirits? I actually saw them
Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? No
During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? Yes I suddenly had a feeling of familiarity and understanding that I had existed before. I felt like I had been in the place many times before. It was like a feeling of coming home.
In regards to physical life, I saw brief glimpses of myself as thousands of insects that were all alive at the same time. They were all eaten by another creature and I became part of that. Then that creature was eaten too. I felt a weird peace when I saw that, and understood how life works. Then it flashed to another period of time and I was underground and I could feel something eating me once again. Then I saw roots of plants and felt like I was them. All of this felt like it happened a very long time ago, before people existed.
During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Yes It's hard to explain without a diagram. I learned that everything is connected, but we just can't see it. The way I would explain it is like water. A fish is connected to all other fish in the ocean because the sea envelopes them all. They are all in the same water.
That same theory applies to everything in existence. But instead of water it is energy. We are all made of and surrounded by energy. Even the air and gaps in space are filled with this same energy. We just can't see it. And this is the thing that connects us all.
Did you believe in the existence of God prior to your experience? God does not exist
During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes I could see, feel, and became one with a higher energy that is much greater than anything ever experienced. It taught me everything there was to know about existence. It did not call itself God or a higher being. It did not really name itself at all. But I am sure it was comparable to God. Although it was not a man and it was somehow one thing and thousands (maybe millions) of things all at once.
Do you believe in the existence of God after your experience? Unknown
Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:
During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes I felt like i knew everything. But there was no purpose. And that was fine. Learning is the only reason for existence, but that in itself had no purpose. Consider life as an experiment. Whatever created it doesn't know what the result is. It doesn't care too much and just wants to see what happens.
Did you believe that our earthly lives Are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are probably meaningful and significant
During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes l learned that our purpose is simply to exist and to live. The universe is always learning about itself and observing life through our eyes. It likes to learn. And it's learning all of the time through us. All we are meant to do is live and learn. There is no right and wrong. By simply being true to ourselves and living life, we are fulfilling our purpose.
Did you believe in an afterlife prior to your experience? An afterlife does not exist
Do you believe in an afterlife after your experience? An afterlife definitely exists. Yes. I was told that life, as we know it, is an illusion. We are made of energy and will continue to exist long after our physical bodies.
Did you fear death prior to your experience? I greatly feared death
Do you fear death after your experience? I slightly fear death
Were you fearful living your life prior to your experience? Not fearful in living my earthly life
Were you fearful living your life after your experience? Slightly fearful in living my earthly life
Did you believe that our earthly lives Are meaningful and significant prior to your experience? Are probably meaningful and significant
Did you believe that our earthly lives are meaningful and significant after your experience? Are not meaningful and significant
Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes I learned that there is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong. We are meant to be free to do as we please and follow impulses. As humans, we try to control everything. Whilst that is ok, it is equally okay to be not have rules. Also, with a different understanding of death, I learned that we should not fear it. If we treated death and dying differently, without fear, then we could live happier lives.
During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? No
Were you compassionate prior to your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
During your experience, did you gain information about love? No
Were you compassionate after your experience? Greatly compassionate toward others
What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Moderate changes in my life. I am more appreciative of life, mainly because I felt like I was so close to losing it. I have learned not to worry about insignificant things. I appreciate everyone around me so much more and want to make the most out of every moment.
Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes More appreciative and More relaxed.
After the NDE:
Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes There is so much detail and so many emotions that I can't explain. There were things that are incomparable to normal life and I wouldn't know how to begin describing it.
How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience. I was travelling around Asia for 6 weeks. I can't really remember anything that happened during that time except this experience.
Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? No
Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes immediately after. My friend said it sounded like other things he had heard about. He was interested in NDEs and I wasn't. He was shocked, because the person I saw in the experience was his mother. So I typed it all up, so I could explain it to him in detail. He asked questions about what she was wearing, and etc.
Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Uncertain. I had heard of it, like people floating above hospital beds and etc. But I had never heard anything like this. I do not think it effected my experience because I didn't know anything like this was possible.
What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real. It felt 100% real and was extremely traumatic. I even had to go to see a doctor about it. Going back to normal life felt hard to adjust and I really wanted to discuss with someone that had the same experience just so I could get it out of my system. I cried a lot for a few weeks. I always tell people that it felt more real than anything I've ever experienced.
What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real. It 100% happened. None of it is made up.
At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Yes I had a few flashbacks. I can't remember the triggers now. But they were not pleasant experiences and only short live. The lasted 1 or 2 seconds at most. The flashbacks stopped around 6 months after the experience.
Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience? It was the worst and best thing that happened in my life. Though I learned a lot it, it was traumatic. I definitely would not wish anyone else to go through it. Maybe if I just went with it, then it would have been more fun. But I felt like I didn't want to be experiencing those things.