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Michael SMR

I am old now and have no reason to lie about my past.

Before I was married I met Ron. He was late arriving at my college, and as he entered the room I knew him. I am a normal heterosexual guy, so this knowledge was just a full on acceptance of him, a pre-knowledge of his complete and quirky nature, his old fashioned attitudes and sense of self. Everything. So as I knew him I just gestured to him and said something like "Hi Ron, there is a space over here..." and so began a very long and often fun but rather shallow typical male relationship. Yet I knew him so well and so immediately.

I do not feel my wife is a soul mate in the romantic sense. I did know within a week or two that we were meant to marry. I proposed after nine weeks and so began our stages of marriage, some wonderful, others hard. She is a beautiful and wonderful wife. She teaches me, and I hope I do the same. We love each other but we are so different and our connection whilst loving is not complete.

My soul mate, my perfect fit, was a surprise to us both, a surprise that I was definitely not looking for. One day during a lecture on a specialized and intriguing subject I just felt this sensation. Each of the next two days afterwards, without knowing who or what I was sensing I just kept feeling a stronger and stronger sense of warmth, of bliss in my chest, just below my sternum. I have never felt anything quite exactly like this before or since. As I said I didn't even know for sure it was a person that I was feeling, we had not spoken yet and in this crowded room it was initially impossible to understand what was happening to me. Initially I thought perhaps I might be ill or even have eaten something. After a day or two I could feel the same sensation but growing daily stronger, the sense became directional and sometimes moved about. So I focused on looking in the direction, trying to find out who, or what, was causing me to feel this way. It was a completely non sexual sense of full belonging. Something that I had not thought possible to experience. So eventually I knew. We were similar, so very similar. To cut a short story shorter, we both had separate lives we had to complete. So why did we meet? I felt one overwhelming truth, that we just loved each other fully. This brief relationship taught me the importance of my prior commitments. Without honoring my already present life I felt I would undervalue myself so much that I would no longer be worthy of someone I loved this much. Sounds simple, but it is truly so hard, the hardest thing I have yet had to do, to say goodbye to a soul mate. She taught me patience and acceptance to a deeper level than I had ever thought truly existed. 

Perhaps my story seems a little to much like a lust or just another wayward husband story. You would be incorrect. I was not looking for, nor feeling the need for another relationship. To this day I marvel at the magical and wonderful sensation I felt and can only liken it to a similar, not identical, feeling I had when I meet a true healer. That is another story.