Stella's NDE

EXPERIENCE DESCRIPTION:      

I was crossing the street... and lost my sandal. I turned back to fetch it without thinking and...I got hit head on by a car: It was the most memorable blow of my life and that was nothing compared to what was coming!

I saw myself rolling into a small ditch at the side of the street and knew that I was very badly injured: maybe I was dying? As soon as I asked that I was catapulted into the inside of an ambulance which was supposed to save me and I saw the nurse lose her ring, the ring belonged to her mother, I saw where the ring fell. Then the driver lost his way. At that point I figured that I would never get to the hospital, but I was overjoyed! I thought: "but is it already over? How lucky! Wowwww!" and I entered the tunnel ( which I strangely seemed to know well) and went forward at a vertiginous speed towards home, without any intention of stopping to observe everything in the tunnel: I just wanted to go home.

The tunnel was semi transparent and I saw points of light like distant stars becoming rays of irregular lights, like the headlights on a car that is speeding down a curved road. My speed kept growing until the light could no longer reach me and I saw that the tunnel was one giant curve, but a curve that was barely discernible, yet I could feel it. Then I was home. The light surrounded me and I was in eternity, every question I asked had an instant clear response, even if I didn't understand every answer. I was surrounded by the gentle song of many voices and I couldn't understand the song. I walked barefoot in an undulating field on soft grass and not far oak tree stood out, it was more imposing than anything I had ever seen, a brilliant green like life (I could write a whole book about that tree alone but I will stop here).

Beneath the tree a young boy was waiting for me, he was beautiful and dignified. He invited me to take a rest, having me take a seat on a wooden bench at a table on top of which were bread and red wine (my father had made wine on earth so I know it well and love the red wine). After I had eaten he spoke: "everything you see is like looking at clouds: you see a little dog, but you know it's a cloud. Now you see yourself at home but know that you are almost at home:  you must return. I answered with a dry and distinct "no": I didn't understand why I had to leave when I felt so good here... He objected: "don't you miss your mother and father?" I said, "no, soon they'll be here and I will see them again!" (time meant nothing: it does not exist). With extreme love and patience he showed me that I still have so much to learn and he showed me my life as though it were a journey:

I could choose various paths but I had to get from A to B. The important events, my goals were symbolized by marble statues, while others were made from fresh clay and still malleable, still time to make them into something else. I understood that the point is not when (time does not exist) but that all the conditions must be satisfied and the most seminal of these is free will. It's a series of free will choices and reactions to events that determines the conditions so as to find the destination or to miss it. It is so free that one can always try and try again: it doesn't matter how long it takes or where it happens, time and space do not exist, the only important thing is to "meet the conditions"  to arrive at the proper destination. And I hadn't reached any such place yet. Notwithstanding all this explanation, I still refused to go back. So he took me in his arms and showed me the river from which there would be no return, and all the cities that existed beyond the river. He told me I could wait in eternity and that I shouldn't be afraid because he had fulfilled all the promises. He told me many things, but I was determined to remain cuddled in his arms and lulled by his voice, and I didn't listen. I looked with childish curiosity at his ring: it was bas-relief with three curved lines that intersected and formed a triangle and a unique signing which a pen could write until infinity. I heard "now you can return in peace." I refused with all the stubbornness that a child is capable of. "So you'll have to speak to my Father," he said. 

I wasn't at all afraid and very determined, I accepted. He showed me the road. I would have to go through a labyrinth of hedges, but I was too desperate and I did everything not to go! Whereupon I traversed the hedge in a direct line cutting and scratching myself with a lot of pain, knowing full well that this hedge was the only thing there that could seriously hurt me. Then I was picked up by "the loving arms of the Father." He called me by my real name (which means "little monkey full of curiosity and rebellion) and I recognized him as "my GOD" with whom I had "played" so much. What happened next is so personal that I will only refer to the ending, needing to say up front that when I lied I knew that He knew, but I tried anyway..."so let's see, are you ready: do you love man kind?"

ME: yes

HIM: more than yourself?

ME: probably... yes... in theory yes.

HIM: so much that you would give up your life?

ME: yes... yes unconditionally!

HIM: we haven't understood one another... Do you love me?

ME: so much that I would stay for eternity.

HIM: so if you love me and you love man kind as much as you love me go back, and my Will be done for their goood! 

There, he tricked me for the good of all!! "The problem with arguing with Him is that He is always right!" I thought, but he heard my thought and together we laughed our heads off (I don't know how else to describe it). I hadn't chosen: either back on earth or away from there, and the latter didn't please me. 

I was desperately crying and turned towards the youth who asked me not to remember because the homesickness could have done me harm and that I would remember how much and whenever was necessary, but I rarely take advice or obey and therefore I suffer to this day. 

It seemed that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my destiny in life and I was filled with terror! I begged the youth: "Please, I beseech you. I know I won't find my way...I beg you, I don't want to disappoint Him! I beg you that when I fail that you grab me by the hair and bring me back here! I will formally renounce all freedom in that moment: take me even if I say no." He answered "I have faith in you" and I wanted to deck him but he stopped me. Then he smiled and promised "Yes I will intervene. But I will be with you every day until the end." 

In truth the only part of the promise that mattered to me was the first part. 

The journey back was very painful in every sense and I don't want to relive it now. I can say that I re-entered my body as though I was putting on a glove, first the fingers then finally the rest of the hand. Then came the intense pain of the body and I awoke on my own from the coma (as the brain monitor showed). My brain was practically hanging out of my skull and I still have such a scar that they want to hospitalize me when they take x-rays. Yet I'm okay, and according to the doctors I came out of it due to the "extraordinary capacity and reactions of children." 

When I came out of my coma I was yelling at all the doctors:" Assassins!

You don't understand! I can die here! Make me go back! Damn you all! Help me die!" I only became calm when I saw that first nurse who had lost her ring and I told her where to find it. And so with an enormous effort I began to remember everything, and I mean everything: even the stuff I shouldn't have. The doctors were very worried about me and my state of mind and ordered psychological support and they also  sent me to a group that investigates NDEs.  Today at 40 years of age I can say that I had absolutely no understanding of how right He was. Thank you Father, whatever your name is (I can't manage to say it). 

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?         Uncertain, because I felt like I was home and who was the person with whom  I was speaking 

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?         Yes      auto accident, head injury, coma 

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?            always 

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?  More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            always 

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?   Yes

360 degree vision, also I could sense things and people as they truly are (hard to explain). The colors were very vivid, but also "semantic" in the sense that they had meaning and scope like a word in a book (I don't understand this either). 

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?             Yes     

The same difference between 'mono" and "stereo", I also sensed the essence, the reality or truth and the emotions expressed... difficult to explain. I know, but the words do not exist. Excuse me for my ignorance. 

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?  Yes 

What emotions did you feel during the experience?       liberation from encumbrance and "how wonderful! I can't believe it! It's done! Thank God!" this is what I thought, why is a mystery to me. 

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?      Yes     

I traveled through a tunnel that wasn't completely dark: there were little lights that appeared like rays because I was going so fast. Like the headlights of cars that are speeding. The tunnel wasn't straight, it was curved, a full curve yet hard to discern. 

Did you see a light?  Yes     

The light was beautiful after the journey and I knew perfectly well where I was headed: home. 

Did you meet or see any other beings?     Yes     

A very patient boy with whom I spoke at length, his Father tricked me and made me return 

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?            Yes

Being born, my mother, father, the cold of winter, the yelling and abuse at home. The trips to the countryside where I communed with "God" and who was in everything, but also with me and above all else Alive! Not like the one who is on the cross. I saw the "adults" killing their "God" and then crying about it: I hated adults and saw them as violent and untrustworthy. But it was explained to me that on earth there are many who are loved, and my own lack of love was the principle reason I was made to return. I was shown that I had a lot to learn and that it was all necessary, but I don't remember. Everything has a reason... but I can't remember which.  

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?  Yes     

Things have come to pass. It's not when that is important (time does not exist) but only that all the conditions are met and that free will be used.

It's a series of free will choices and reactions to events that determines the conditions so as to find the destination or to miss it. It is so free that one can always try and try again: it doesn't matter how long it takes or where it happens, time and space do not exist, the only important thing is to "meet the conditions"  to arrive at the proper destination. You can make a mistake and then try again. What I learned is to forgive and to become humble. And I saw my future in a series of statues: the ones in marble had finished their duties, or were the things that I had to accomplish; the ones in clay were the options, or choices, or electives, and for each choice a different road, but the ultimate journey was the one towards the marble statues. I don't remember why. 

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?            Yes     

I was in a flowing field and I saw a city beyond a river, but they were a series of cities (even though city doesn't define it well). Unfortunately I was so taken with being held in the boy's arms and resting there, that I understood only that those cities are what we are waiting for, a kind of future or promise... but I was too tired and disinterested. At the time I didn't care about humanity and its violent ways. 

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?           Yes     

That had no reason and did not exist. Space was enormous, and at the same time just a single geometric point: entirely visible and also infinitely huge. Il tempo

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?       Yes     

As soon as I arrived I knew everything; all I had to do was ask but I didn't understand every answer, nor can I remember every one. Above all I learned that it's not when that is important (time does not exist) but only that all the conditions are met and that free will be used.  It's a series of free will choices and reactions to events that determines the conditions so as to find the destination or to miss it. It is so free that one can always try and try again: it doesn't matter how long it takes or where it happens, time and space do not exist, the only important thing is to "meet the conditions"  to arrive at the proper destination. You can make a mistake and then try again. What I learned is to forgive and to become humble. And I saw my future in a series of statues: the ones in marble had finished their duties, or were the things that I had to accomplish; the ones in clay were the options, or choices, or electives, and for each choice a different road, but the ultimate journey was the one towards the marble statues. I don't remember why. 

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?          Yes

The boundary is the river: if I had crossed it I would have finally arrived home, protected from every danger, and for me it meant getting away from man kind. 

Did you become aware of future events?  Yes

2 unwanted pregnancies and one son, my husband and then things that concern man kind, but I must and want to keep these to myself: they serve only to remind me what really happened. In all these years I have only spoken of these things here on this site and have no intentions of saying more. 

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?    Yes     

I dream about/remember the disasters created by mankind. And help comes to me otherwise I would hate people all over again.  It's hard because I live here among them and feel things... three times as strongly as those going through the terrible happenings. It's not good to create marble statues because one might not reach them. 

Have you shared this experience with others?    Yes     

Right afterwards, after I had yelled "assassins, let me go back!" I talked to a psychologist and a group that studied NDEs. Then nothing for 30 years:

I was afraid that I was crazy. I kept putting away accounts of NDEs and not looking at them until finally I read them and found similarities with my experience. It was when I began reliving the event and trying to frame it in Cartesian concepts of the universe that I had dreams of marble statues, and then I gave up! 

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?     No        

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real      

Before I entered the tunnel I saw that the ambulance nurse lost her ring and where it fell: and I told her where to find it without her having asked about it. I also knew that the ambulance had gotten lost in a neighboring county and also knew who the driver was without ever having met him. I was brought to the hospital in a private automobile.  These two facts piqued the interest of the NDE research group. 

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?    

The whole experience was meaningful, even the aromas, sounds, colors...every thing was so filled with meaning that it goes on to infinity. 

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:        Experience was definitely real       

I consider it real because there are a lot of records, and I really didn't want it to be. 

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes    

I hated them all! Now I love them so much that I suffer, or rejoice not for them but with them. I no longer can stay apart from others because I know they are a part of me and I a part of them, but most of all I know how much He loves them, whoever He is in reality. 

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes     

I didn't want to enter church because the priest resembled the dark man, and according to me, he's the one who killed his own god and who knew what else he was capable of... and directed at me! After many years of theological struggle... I accepted the roman catholic religion of the apostles because it seems to come the closest to what I experienced even if it falls short. 

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?   No 

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?

I was ordered to forget the experience because it could have caused me pain but I don't obey orders very well...unfortunately! Plus the memories are too beautiful! Would it have been better had I listened? Would they have gotten angry? 

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?      Uncertain      

I don't think I have the adequate scientific, linguistic, theological and philosophical knowledge to express or even understand all the concepts that I lived. 

Are there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?   

Since this questionnaire is long and sometimes one doesn't have time or energy to write everything at once it would be nice to come back and do another one.