Michelle R's NDE

          This experience happened when I was 18.  It was the weekend before I started college.  I was a "raver" at this time and took "X".  At this time some bad pills were circulating in the area (I later found out) and I took 3 "bad pills".  An hour or 2 after I took the pills I realized that something was wrong.  I hated the way I felt.  I do not remember what happened before the experience, just after, but all of a sudden I was at the "gates" of Heaven.  At this time in my life I was becoming less of a believer.  Science made lots more sense than religion.  However, during the experience I knew what was going on, there was no confusion about it at all.  I no longer felt the effects of the drugs even, but soon remembered that I had taken them and that that was why I was where I was. I could not see much, just white- not light but more like clouds or fog- and there was a grayish "blockage" which was to be the "gates" of Heaven.  There were no dead relatives to meet me (I had none at this time that I had been close to in life) but there was an Angel.  His image was clearer than the surrounding area but not totally clear.  He was in white.  God was also there but not an Image of God, just a presence.  It was like he was beyond this blockage.  I could hear him, but it was not sound I heard, the communication was all in my head.  There was no reason to use words here and I understood that.  I also understood that I was dead. I accepted it, but then felt guilt.  I didn't even think I should ask if I could get into Heaven because I was facing judgment while on drugs.  But I didn't have to ask to be let in, God already knew what I was thinking.  And I knew he knew. It was almost like the questions and answers happened at the same time- there was no time there.  I felt shamed but also calm, there was no fear, just the shame and guilt of my circumstances. Then I was asked the question, "Why should I let you in Heaven if you are on drugs?" And I knew I did not deserve to be allowed in.  Then my whole life flashed before me in what seemed seconds.  But then I even saw the future.  I saw how sad my family and friends were.  They were all crying.  I was upset for a moment but then felt that I had to accept it.  Then all of a sudden I was back in my body- my boyfriend, who was also on these bad drugs, was holding me up and I was trying to walk but couldn't.  All of a sudden I realized I was alive, but felt so bad that I almost wished I wasn't.  But I realize I must have been given a second chance and knew the drugs would eventually wear off (10 or so hours later) I then became too messed up from the drugs to think about what had happened until I was sober. For years I believed this was all just from the drugs and what I experienced was something my brain conjured up from things I had heard from other people who had NDE's, but lately I can not stop thinking about it.  I recently read some info about NDEs in a book and it listed things that happened to me that I had never heard from others before.  Now I do not know what think about my experience.  I try to tell myself it was not real, but when I do I feel pressure on my chest and feel like I am almost forced to believe it was true. Like something wants me to believe it is true.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?          Yes    I understood everything that was going on w/o question, but it would be hard to understand otherwise. I was w/o a body but was still me. There was no ground, just "white", I was at "Heaven's gate" but there was no gate, just a blockage. An angel was there but not a clear image. God was there- I could not see him, just feel and hear him.  My life flashed before me in an instant- there was no such thing as time but it all made sense.  i was shamed because of the circumstances, but was still comfortable.  After seeing my life I even saw the future and the consequences of my choices.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain     I was aware that I had taken bad drugs, but did not know if I was in danger or not.  Then all of a sudden I was facing judgment and knew I must be dead.  I felt like there was nothing I could do about but still accepted it.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?  While facing judgment

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?          More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:        Yes, I understood more.  Everything made sense and I had no questions.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?          Yes    clarity and colors, things seemed blurry and everything was white and gray. Also, things did not seem solid at all.  The blockage even did not seem solid, yet I knew I could not pass through until I was allowed to.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
          Yes    I did not hear with my ears, but my mind.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?          Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?          Guilt and shame

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?        Uncertain     I do not remember passing through a tunnel, I just remember being in the white place where God was.

Did you see a light?         Uncertain     I do not remember any light, just white and gray

Did you meet or see any other beings?         Yes    No people, just one Angel and the presence of God.  The angel was the entrance to the blockage keeping me out of Heaven and God was just something I felt and heard.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?   Yes    I saw both my life and the future.  I learned that everyone was upset that I was gone.  I should have learned that I was given a second chance, but I am still confused about the experience.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?         No     

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?          Yes    The "gates" of Heaven

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes    There were no limits to space or time.  Space was everywhere and time did not exist.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes    I don't remember specific things, but I remember not having questions and everything just made sense.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes    The gray wall was the boundary preventing my entry to Heaven.

Did you become aware of future events?      Yes            I saw how people I cared for reacted to my death.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?       No     

Have you shared this experience with others?        Yes    Just my sister, but I do not think she believed me.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes    I had heard things on TV about it.  At first I thought it was all in my head, but I had never heard of a "blockage" that prevented them from going into Heaven before. I have also since read other things that pertained to my experience that I had not heard before. I had heard people talk about a tunnel of light, dead relatives, and pearly gates.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was probably not real        At first I thought it was a hallucination.  Then I always felt that I had a NDE but wanted to believe it was not true.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you? I believe that a person's experience is unique to their mind set and belief system.  I did not need to see God or Jesus and a human figure because I have always understood there could be a God that was a "being" but not necessarily "Human".  And even when I was a stronger believer I believed in worshiping God more than Jesus.  Jesus was not part of my NDE.  I did not need to see beautiful things of hear "words". I believe this is because I was capable of understanding things during this NDE that were not "normal".

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:          Experience was probably real         I can not stop thinking and feeling this is real.  After reading things that happened to others that fit my experience it made me think that maybe my mind did not conjure this up.  Mine was much different from what I had heard from others in the past.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?          No     

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Uncertain     I have since been even less religious.  I am confused because to me this seemed real but what I have been taught about religion does not.  I guess I have not found the correct religion for me yet.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?    No         

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?       I was so messed up on the drugs that I could not see, hear or walk correctly, yet during this experience everything was clear to me.  I was not having any effects of the drugs, I just remembered that I had taken some.  And when I was back in my body I was messed up again.  I was clearly on some other level of consciousness during my experience.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes    Yes, I described what happened as well as possible.

Are there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience? Leave a space for answers to all questions.  Some of the qestions I had multiple answers to. For example, the question asking if I saw spiritual beings or felt a presence, I experienced both. I saw an angel and I felt the presence of God.