I was
riding off road motorcycles with my father and sister in a remote area and my
mother stayed behind to read near the car. The terrain had a few little hills
and bumps but was otherwise fairly open with low vegetation around. I was an
experienced rider and had a heavy duty helmet, kidney belt and motorcycle boots
and heavy pants and long sleeved shirt with elbow pads and I was riding a 125cc
bike, not big but not tiny. It was Spring break and I was in my second year of
nursing school. My sister and I liked to race to certain points on our bikes.
I raced ahead zipping over little bumps and jumping them as I was going up a
little hill. I looked behind me to see how close she was and when I turned
forward, I saw I was about to go into a wide and deep concrete flood control
channel that I previously didn't know was there. In a flash, knowing I had no
time to stop, and that I would crash regardless of my actions, I gunned the bike
to try to jump the gap. I nearly made it over but my back tire hit the other
side and the last thing I remember was going head over end on the bike and
thinking "Wow! I'm about to die!" and then blackness.
I gradually
became aware inside a black void with a sense of floating and complete silence
and stillness. At first I felt confused and then remembered what happened and
at that point I felt panicked and afraid and I knew I was dead. I went through
things I felt disappointed at not having attained (graduating, career, marriage,
children) and I also felt surprised that I had died so early in life because I
had thought I'd be really old when I did die. But once I noticed the stillness
and peace, I actually became happy and intrigued with my new circumstances and
thought that I would be going to be with Jesus. At that point a unearthly white
bright light appeared and although I couldn't hear a voice with ears I "heard"
in my head a voice answer my question that I was dead and on my way to heaven
but I was not there yet. I felt such peace and love in that moment. Then the
"voice" told me that my time on earth wasn't done yet and I needed to go back.
I pleaded to stay that I was fine with being dead and that I didn't want to go
back now. The voice just said "No, you must go." In that instant I started
moving out of this void faster and faster, the light dimming as I rushed through
a narrow tunnel and I felt so sad. I saw a broader less intense light behind my
closed eyes and I awakened in the back of a pick up truck on the road to the
hospital and I thought "Oh crap, I'm not dead anymore" and fell into an
unconscious place only coming to the surface occasionally before going back
under. I was not aware of anyone's voices or anything else during those times
until I gradually woke up for good after two days in the hospital. Afterwards,
I felt grouchy and irritable and had what I called "dial tone moments" where
it's like everything just went offline and I was standing there with no thoughts
at all. I still do that from time to time.
Was the
kind of experience difficult to express in words?
Yes At the time, NDE research/experiences were not commonly known so voicing
what happened made me feel a little crazy, especially recounting with other
health professionals and my family. It became easier for me to express when I
actually talked to patients who had experienced the same things when I worked in
ICU. My family still thinks it was a dream during being unconscious.
At the
time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?
Yes
At what
time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and
alertness?
The highest level of alertness started about 1/4 of the way through the
experience and lasted the whole time until just the end when I faded back into
my earthly consciousness. I can't really put a finger on time.
How did
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare
to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?
More consciousness and alertness than normal
If your
highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different
from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:
I felt more tuned in to sensation in my mind and body and was aware in that
moment that where I usually lived in my consciousness was only a fraction of
what my mind was capable of and that what I experienced in the NDE was also a
fraction of where we'll go but much enhanced from my prior experience.
Did your
vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such
as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of
solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes For one thing it was perfect. Even with contacts, I still don't see
perfectly. And the perception of the void space I was in was different than
floating like in water, it was this different sense of my self in space that
feels different from everyday sense of self in space. It was even quite
different than in dreams because in my experience everything felt real, although
different.
Did your
hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect,
such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
Yes The hearing I had was not coming from the outside via my ears
to my brain but was just in my head. It's almost like the voice's sound was a
sensation as well inside my head. The sounds like the vision also were perfect
no ringing or muffling or impediments.
Did you
experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?
Yes
What
emotions did you feel during the experience?
At first panic and sadness; Huge peace then elation, intrigue and
excitement and then when going away grief and loneliness almost like I felt
lost.
Did you
pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?
Yes The
tunnel was the exit tube, of sorts, out of the void and away from the presence
of God towards the earthly world.
Did you
see a light?
Yes The light emanated from the presence in the void and was unworldly in its
brilliance and purity and it faded as I left the void and went back.
Did you
meet or see any other beings?
Yes The presence appeared after I processed what happened and settled into my
new surroundings. I instantly knew this presence as "God" and felt excited to
be in his presence. It was just the two of us and he communicated to me that I
had died but that I needed to go back to finish some unfinished business he
needed me to do.
Did you
experience a review of past events in your life?
No I did something that was more like cataloging what I hadn't done yet.
Interestingly, I had no intentions to have children even if I married and yet
having children were one of the things I felt regret at not having gotten to do.
I learned that what I thought I wanted and what I really needed to do are two
different things. I married and had children within 5 years of the NDE.
Did you
observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that
could be verified later?
No
Did you
see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or
dimensions?
No
Did you
have any sense of altered space or time?
Uncertain The time between the crash and the awareness of being in the void
seemed to gradually emerge over time; the time in the void seemed like hours and
minutes all at the same time but the trip back seemed like seconds. In all
probably 10 minutes passed in everyday time.
Did you
have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?
Yes At that moment, I became convinced that there is life after death and God
is real. I also sensed that what we think we know on earth is only a fraction
of what is knowable in the universe. I had a sense of purpose that I was on
earth for a reason and I needed to find what that was. Before the event, I
thought I had a lot of power as a nurse and that science could explain
everything, but afterwards, I felt humbled, awed, and put in my place about what
is true and what is TRUE.
Did you
reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?
Uncertain When in the void, I encountered the presence and this area where
we were seemed to be some kind of anteroom or holding chamber and that I was not
allowed to go beyond this place. There were no physical walls per se but there
was a sense of being in a designated place.
Did you
become aware of future events?
No
Did you
have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you
did not have prior to the experience?
Yes I became quite active in alternative medicine for my own health and
learned various healing arts some less physical and more "energetic" in nature.
When I massage a person I have to consciously place a barrier between myself and
them because I get their symptoms if I don't. Before when I did massage on
patients as a nurse, I wasn't affected one way or the other, but now it's like I
can feel dis-ease and energy areas on people or my hair on my neck will stand up
if I sense a person is toxic in some way either emotionally or physically. I am
also sensitive to smells, toxins, and medications where I hadn't been before.
Have
you shared this experience with others?
Yes I shared the experience initially with my parents and they passed it off
to a dream while unconscious as did the medical personnel I encountered. Years
later, I was talking with a patient who awakened from a coma in an ICU where I
worked and he described something very similar so I shared my story with him
too. My husband was very understanding and believes what I went through. I
have some friends whom I have told and most look kind of confused but some seem
to understand and ask questions.
Did you
have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
No
How did
you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it
happened:
Experience was probably real At first it seemed real then faded to probably
real because I couldn't place what happened to me. I had never heard of
anything so strange and I began to place it in the "dream" category but yet
there was this nagging sense that it really did happen because I felt so
changed, so I think I settled on "probably real" to reconcile my head and heart.
Were
there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or
significant to you?
Once my mind
quieted, being in the void sensing all encompassing peace and stillness and
quiet was so amazing. Hearing the presence speak was so encouraging and has
kept with me ever since in that I never feel abandoned or alone and I feel as if
I have someone observing and noticing my earthly path.
How do
you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real About 10 years later, when I happened to
find some books on NDE's I began to think that it was definitely real and not a
dream. Also as I've grown older I don't need outside validation to experience
things as being "real" to me. I also tend to view the earthly reality as a type
of reality and not essential true reality. To me, truth and reality exist
behind the veil of this life.
Have your
relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes
I used to be a
more social and surface-type person prior to the event. Since, I've become more
introspective, more content to be alone and way more sensitive to crowds and
games people play. I also have become more interested in spiritual and
metaphysical phenomenon and my friends tend to be as well.
Have
your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
Yes
I have become
far less conventional in my beliefs although I regularly attend Christian
church. I see that religion, like science, only can know so much because of
human limitations but that doesn't really affect what is true or real in the
universal plane. I am way more open to thinking outside the box than before.
Following the
experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or
substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Did the
questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes It was
great to write the narrative account and then have focused analysis of
particular portions of the experience examined. The questions seemed to have
logical progression.
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?
It seems very comprehensive. Thank you for letting me share!
