Khalid's Experience

Experience description: 

The sea was really in a fury. I was loosing the force of my arms: my brother was waiting for me on the shore; but I could not hold out anymore; I began to swallow salt water: at that point of time, I understood that I was on the point of dying.

I am an homosexual; and I have always been unhappy because neither my religion Islam, nor family; nor even… the presence of somebody at my sides, somebody  confidant… who could help me to accept a part of what I am…

In brief, at the moment of the death agony, which lasted only a few seconds : kind of conscious apnoea… but afterwards, I began to swallow water and feel the death.

All was white and clean: in my mind, I was not yet dead at that point of time: I was waiting: I wanted to reassure my brother; he didn’t need to get into a panic … but at the same time I let myself go into the waves: I knew that I was attempting a suicide : but life on earth never gave me something good! I am gay! unhappy; a wasted life…. Well! Has my life to be more wasted with the drowning… but the idea of going towards death was in fact a feeling of peace: I told myself: at last  Khalid! You will stop suffering! You won’t be afraid anymore than one day or another your family is ashamed of you! Or to see these Moslems, who promise me hell and loathing, sermonize on my life. 

I told myself that all this would stop… … but alas! I repeat alas! Because I don’t accept my homosexuality easily… The waves propelled me and I felt the ground again; my brother pushed me violently… and it was life again.

Really ! I told and sometimes I repeat to myself: if I died! And if, in fact, the avenger god of the Moslem does not really exist!

I made all what possible to die peacefully … It was a drowning … But right after, I let myself go into the waves,  because I always had suicidal ideas up to the age of 27. 

I hope that those who will read me won’t be impressed by this message: that’s not an incitation to attempt suicide! I just told my experience! May be it’s an account of death agony. I didn’t experiment the death.

I don’t wish anybody neither to be homo nor to miss the chance to live with that in a free and open country.

Thanks for your reading.  

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes, The salt water of the sea in a fury and the force of the waves

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?          

Conscious + then fear, gradual acceptance… the will to die
            Was the experience dream like in any way?   A little bit, when I started to realize that all was finished, that I had no more any oxygen in my lungs.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           no

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No

Did you see a light?           Uncertain

The whiteness of the choppy water of the sea, the bubbles of air in water… it was physical because I was very conscious: it was no spiritual light

Did you meet or see any other beings?           No

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    Yes

Regret to have supported to grow weary of the life I was leading; because I am homosexual… and joy and peace to get rid of it.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           No

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   No

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No

Did you become aware of future events?       Yes

Eventhough the sea was really in fury, I knew that I would be able to manage because, being 19 years old, … I often ventured to swim into the sea in fury!  A kind of  suicide attempt …. to look for a short cut… that this only hope to get rid of the life of homo doesn’t have any delay..

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Uncertain

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Uncertain

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   No

Always the fear of Islam; of a potential hell: I care about living, more because of the fear I have than the desire to live

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       Since I had this experience, I am more isolated than before. I missed the only opportunity to stop suffering in silence and to guarantee a normal life  to my family, without the risk of being shocked, one day or another, by my homosexuality : death would bury me with the heavy burden which is my homosexuality. But I was saved by this sea in fury which was on the point to make me get rid of  all my sufferings. I have great respect for the sea: it makes me frightened but at the same time, I nearly was happy in it, if I died.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         No

Have you shared this experience with others?         No

I am an homo! Telling about this experience ! This would mean to disclose my pain…

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Regret; sadness but also peace because mom was going to die of grief because she loves me very much.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?   

Best side : it would made me get rid of my wasted life of homo, suffering in silence…

Worse side : fear that my family could suffer from me because they love me very much; probably too much to be sincere.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?       

I hope this message will not influence any reader who could be also heartbroken! Being an homo in the same life conditions than mine : one day, we’ll know what is death! So, why being in a hurry for that? Don’t make any suicide attempt because may be someone or something is looking for you! Something else that death which is always looking for us and which never misses anyone! But, personally I don’t want to die now; because I have new reasons to hope again … so I want to tell depressed young people …. Let something or someone, looking for you, find you : don’t die now.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No response

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               No

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    I would propose that you add a question about the belief and the sexual life of the experiencers. A question about topics which always frightened NDErs before their own experience.