Kessie P's Probable NDE

Experience description: 

      I was driving in an ice storm and a huge truck was sitting across the highway and I could not stop.  I hit it head on.  The few seconds before I hit all I could think about was my beautiful little girl at home who needed me and was all alone, probably scared to death wondering where I was.  When I hit I thought I was dying from the pain in my chest.  I couldn't feel or see my legs, I thought that they were gone.  I had an elderly passenger with me and all I could think of was trying to comfort her.  We were trapped for hours before we were able to be rescued.  The emergency room was packed and understaffed in the entire hospital because of the crippling weather.  The doctor said it was a miracle I survived and that I did not have any broken bones or internal injuries.  My legs were badly bruised, swollen and cut and I could not move them.  They released me to my brother and sister in law,  there were no rooms available to keep me overnight.  My brother and his wife had to carry me into my apartment.  My daughter had been taken home by a friend in town.  She was only 12 years old and had been home alone for hours in this terrible storm.  I thought I would be okay alone.  They were the only family that lived close.  I called my daughter and a few friends.  I had asked my brother to make me a drink before he left. 

I was in a lot of pain and I took two pain pills. I couldn't go to sleep.  I felt so alone and so scared.  I was a single parent and I was overcome with thoughts of how I was going to manage caring for my daughter and getting back to work when I could not even walk.  I had to go to the bathroom and realized I had no way to get there, but to crawl.  It was extremely painful and difficult.  I had to use my upper body to lift myself up.  I just crawled to my bedroom and was on the floor just crying and feeling so helpless.  I took a sleeping pill.  The next thing I remember I was my heart pounding so hard I could hear it and feel it.  It woke me up, my eyes were open and I was so scared.  Then it stopped beating and I was being pulled incredibly fast through this dark tunnel toward a bright light.  I felt there was someone beside me.  I was scared, I knew it was not a dream.  Then suddenly I felt as if I was dropped back onto the floor.  I looked over at the clock, it was 3:00 a.m. and I had no idea what had just happened to me.  My mother called me the next morning and told me she had awoken at 3:00 a.m. with this terrible feeling I had died.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience:  Yes

      Explanation:  I had a shot of morphine in the emergency room hours before and I had taken two Percocet and a sleeping pill with a vodka and grapefruit juice.

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  No

At the time of the experience, was there an associated life threatening event?  No

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?  My eyes were open and I knew I was awake and not dreaming.  It was very real.

Was the experience dream like in any way?  no

Describe your appearance or form apart from your body:  When I felt that my heart was not beating I was being moved quickly through this tunnel.  I did not see my body separated from me, but it felt as if I left it lying on the floor it happened so quickly.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?  confusion, fear, and anxiety.  I was looking for my daughter, I could not leave her.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?  no

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?  Yes

      Describe:  I was being pulled incredibly fast through a dark tunnel toward a bright light.

Did you see a light?  Yes

      Describe:  It was incredibly bright and it felt good to see the light after the darkness in the tunnel and the darkness I felt inside that evening.  But I could not stop thinking of my daughter and how much we needed each other.  She had been my driving force, my reason for everything for twelve years, it was just the two of us.

Did you meet or see any other beings?  No

      Describe:  Although I could feel someone beside me in the tunnel.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?  Yes

      Describe:  I just knew that I had died and came back very quickly.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?  No

Did you become aware of future events?  No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision to return to the body?  No

      Describe:  I just felt this overwhelming anguish about leaving my daughter.  It pulled at me and was stronger than the beauty and comfort I felt coming from the light.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  One year ago my fiancés father asked if we could take his mother's ashes out to sea.  He was devastated, his mother had lived by the ocean and wanted her ashes to be scattered in the ocean after her death.  His older brother was given the ashes and agreed to do that.  My fiancé's father was too overcome with the loss of his mother.  When his brother died last year and he was cleaning out his house he found his mother's ashes in the garage, over a decade after her death.  My fiancé, myself, his mother, sister and father took our boat about a mile into the ocean.  I had a very uneasy feeling of anxiety and began to tremble (that has happened to me in the past several times before something bad has happened to someone I was close to)  I suddenly somehow knew he was having a heart attack.  He didn't display any symptoms, he just seemed overcome by the emotion of what we were there for.  I told the others I felt he was having a heart attack.  They joked and laughed at me and thought I was ruining the whole experience. They said he was probably a little sea sick.  I asked to please go back because I was sure of what was happening.  They still did not believe me.  I remember sitting alone saying,  "I am so sorry for doing this, and I can't get anyone to believe me"  I begged for God's forgiveness.  My fiancé's father did in fact suffer a massive heart attack that required a quadruple bypass.  That evening sitting on the boat with my fiancé and his mother reflecting on what had happened, feeling so guilty for not convincing the others sooner of what I knew, a white mist that looked similar to a miniature cloud or dense patch of fog drifted toward me and went right through me and I had an immediate feeling that everything was okay.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  The difficulties I have always experienced in my life and continue to do so seem so trivial and unimportant.  I have not been to church on a regular basis since I was a child, but I have always had this incredible, unwavering, undoubting faith and trust in God that has always got me through everything.  That has intensified along with a strong desire to learn more.  There are just things that I know to be true about life and afterlife.  The things I struggle so hard at are convincing the people around me of what I know to be that truth.  They think I'm "crazy" in a good kind of way.

Has the experience affected your relationships?  Daily life?  Religious practices etc.?  Career choices?  I struggle with the people I love about what is truly important.  They feel I have an irresponsible attitude at times and take things too lightly.  I don't react in a negative way over life's everyday occurrences.  I feel they are on a different level than I am spiritually. They think I am carefree.  How you treat people, how you love and what you teach your children are more important to me.

Have you shared this experience with others?  Yes

      Describe:  Not too often, because of the reactions I get.  My daughter is the one that talk the most to.  I want to help her in her spiritual growth.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  A range of so many immediately after for several years. My life seemed to become more difficult and confusing. These days I feel mostly peacefulness and gratitude for the things that God has given me, no matter how insignificant they seem.  Each day I give thanks for something,  Sometimes it's just for the sunshine, warm air and the smell of a fresh cut field, other times it for the opportunity to be here in this life learning all that I am.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?  The worst part was the fear of not being with my daughter, the fear of not having the joy of being a part of her life. I still have that fear.  I feel there is so much more the two of us have to share.  The best part is knowing that this life good and bad is to teach me and to improve my soul for what is waiting beyond this life.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?  I am thankful for it.  I sometimes go to sleep wishing that God could show me just a little more.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?  Yes

      Describe:  I have a friend with cancer.  I feel differently about the possibility of his death than I would have years ago.  I feel sad for him, his family, my children who are close to him and for myself because I know I will miss his friendship.  But I also feel somewhat of a joy or happiness for him because I know what is waiting for him, that makes me feel guilty and I am afraid to express that to anyone for fear that they will think that I have no sympathy for his pain and despair.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?  No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?  Yes

Please offer any suggestions you have to improve the www.nderf.org questionnaire?  No.