Katie T's NDE

Experience description: 

      In 1992 I had lung surgery.  During the surgery, I was anesthetized but never fully seemed to lose consciousness.  I remember lying there, watching the monitors as the surgeon began to cut on me.  I remember tubes passing through my chest wall and thinking how odd it felt.  Then I remember watching the numbers on the blood pressure monitor begin to decrease rapidly.  As I heard a nurse say, ³my God, weıre losing BP², I thought, ³Iım going to die².  Oddly, it all seemed very calm and slow motion.  I could hear the alarm on the blood pressure monitor and watched as the heart monitor went to a flat line.  I remember one of the nurses saying I was dead and my attempt to tell her I was not.  As I attempted to convince them I was not dead, it seemed that I suddenly realized, I was not looking up at them.  I was above them, behind their heads, as if I was on the ceiling.  I could see everything they were doing and I could see my body lying there.  Then it seemed like I was floating, not walking but just moving away through a tube or a very narrow passageway.  I donıt recall moving ³towards² a light, but being IN a light, a very bright, white light that just seemed to get brighter the farther I moved away.

I remember parts of my life, not like seeing pictures, but living them over again in a very fast short way.  It seemed like I was living the experiences of other people I had known or come in contact with in my life.  It was as if I knew exactly how they thought and felt at those very moments.  It seems as though I just knew all kinds of things and feelings that I had never been taught or experienced in my life.  I just KNEW.  It was warm and calm and peaceful and just felt like happiness.  There just are not words to describe it.  I just wanted to keep floating away as it just seemed to feel better the farther I went.  Then all of a sudden it was as if I knew I couldnıt stay.  I had to go back, I had things to do.  I didnıt know exactly what they were but I knew my daughter was waiting for me and I had things I had to do.  Then I felt guilty and confused because I wanted to stay in that warm peaceful place and I wanted to go back and finish what I needed to do.  I felt pulled back and then all of a sudden I felt shocked and could see everyone's faces looking down at me and saying my name and I felt angry at them all.

My whole life changed after that day.  Sometimes in little, subtle ways, sometimes in big ways, but it definitely has never been the same since.  Everything that I think and feel about things, the way I see and hear things has changed in some way or another.

The first year after the surgery, and the experience, I felt confused, frustrated, sometimes afraid.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what had happened in that room.  I was afraid that they wouldnıt believe me or would make fun of me, ridicule me or think I had just lost my mind.

I also felt guilty.  If I had died, and I was even close to ³God² or ³Heaven², then I should not have wanted to come back.  I felt as though I had turned my back on what I was taught was supposed to be ³God² and ³Heaven².  But I saw no ³God² and I did not ³know² the experience to be ³Heaven².  What I did know was that it was absolute peace and love and harmony and oneness and calm.  But in my experience and in my words I would not have called it a ³God² or a ³Heaven².  I do know that I was not afraid, I wanted to be there, wanted to stay and I am not afraid of going back.  In fact, I look forward to the day that I have fulfilled my purpose and can go back and keep going to what is next for me.  There IS something better for us in this life that most of us donıt seem to realize or allow ourselves to reach, but I now know, there is something even better after this life.

In the years since my experience, I have had a strong desire to LIVE life and have continued to try to pursue that goal.  I have learned how to truly love people, so much so that at times it physically hurts.  I have always been extremely sensitive to people and their feelings, internally, but even more so now I seem to ³feel² people.  I love to touch and hug people, but now sometimes touching people is painful, confusing, frustrating, frightening or extremely warm and happy.  The risk of the physical discomfort though, has been more than I could stand emotionally and I have found that rather than facing these feelings and learning how to deal with them, I have instead tried to shut myself off from feeling them.  It seems as if I just ³knowı things about people that I touch that can be happy, sad, good, bad, absolutely wonderful and at times absolutely frightening.

It has become an ultimately sad and at the same time, ultimately happy secret to carry around.  I want to tell people.  I want to tell them what happened to me and how wonderful it was.  Sometimes, I just want to tell people what I know, but canıt tell them why or how I just know it.  So, I donıt say anything.  I question myself and how and why I think and feel and know these things.  There must be a logical, reasonable explanation for how I know, and why I feel these things.  Maybe I just havenıt found the answers yet.  How could I possibly expect anyone else to believe me?

It is so frustrating not to be able to talk to anyone about these things.  It is so frustrating to not be able to tell people things that I know could help them or make them feel better or reassure them because I couldnıt possibly tell them how I know.

I wish I could tell people - it isnıt about believing in ³God² or ³Heaven² or ³Buddha² or UFOıs.  Itıs about believing in peace, love and human compassion.  It is about valuing life and living it, meeting your potential and following your heart and soul.  To try to tell these things, with no fact, would make me sound like some kind of hippie, flower child on an LSD trip.  How, could I possibly begin to tell you? 

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience:  Yes

      Explanation:  I was under anesthesia at the time, during a surgical operation

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes

      What was it about the experience that makes it hard to communicate?  feelings and thoughts that I just can not find appropriate words to describe

At the time of the experience, was there an associated life threatening event?  Uncertain

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?  uncertain

Was the experience dream like in any way?  in some ways

Did you experience a separation of consciousness from your body?  Yes

Describe your appearance or form apart from your body:  I saw my body, could see what was being done to my body, as if watching from the outside looking in

What emotions did you feel during the experience?  a multitude!

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?  kind of a "whooshing" sound like air rushing by

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?  Yes

      Describe:  like a tube or narrow passage

Did you see a light?  Yes

      Describe:  actually, it was more like sensing it, a very strong bright white light with ultimate warmth but not heat

Did you meet or see any other beings?  No

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?  Yes

      Describe:  but it was not like "seeing" them, no tv or movie screen or pictures.  it was more like reliving them in encapsulated version.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?  No response

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?  No response

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Uncertain

      Describe:  I think so, but have never had the nerve to ask them for fear they would think I was kooky or wouldn't believe me.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?  Yes

      Describe:  it would be difficult to give specifics to this question.  I knew things about people, I knew things about myself and I just seemed to have knowledge and answers that I had never had before.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?  No

Did you become aware of future events?  No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision to return to the body?  Yes

      Describe:  it was as if I was having to decide, confusion, wanting to and not wanting to and then all of a sudden, having no final decision but being "pulled" back into my body

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  hightened sensitivity to peoples thoughts and feelings, hard to explain, knowing things that I don't understand how I know them and wondering if they are really real or HOW I could possibly know them

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  my whole life changed, the way I look at things, my perception and my belief system

Has the experience affected your relationships?  Daily life?  Religious practices etc.?  Career choices?  my husband, at that time, didn't believe me, thought it was a dream.  He said, within the year following, that I had changed and was not the same person. We have since divorced.  I haven't been very close to anyone else, until recently and while I love people, feel for them, find it difficult to get too close to them emotionally.  Religious, my mother is afraid for me because I do not share her beliefs in her "God" and His boundaries and expectations.  I believe in our soul and our need to be compassionate and loving toward our fellow soul mates.

Have you shared this experience with others?  Yes

      Describe:  in the first year, my husband who ridiculed me, and a minister in the hopes of resolving my religious guilt feelings.  since then,  no one until recently, a good friend who is open minded and non-judgemental and has allowed me the freedom to try to explain it.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  again, a multitude! and continue to.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?  the best, no fear, absolute love and warmth and acceptance, the worst, lack of logical fact and reason that would give me the freedom and comfort to tell people about the experience and possibly help them, make their lives better or give them hope.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?  Yes

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?  Yes

      Describe:  meditation, dreams in sleep and momentary "flashbacks" of a sort, as if I am there again and can feel all those same feelings.  I do not drink or take drugs for fear of altering these events or recreating them in a false nature.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?  Uncertain

      Explain:  some came close, others don't begin to explain and it would take hours of sitting here writing to even attempt to give all the range of emotions and feelings and knowledge adequately.

Please offer any suggestions you have to improve the www.nderf.org questionnaire?  was it real, or a trick of the mind caused by pain, anesthesia, fear or some other chemical reaction that took place in the body?  Is there logical, scientific proof that this happens to us?  Is there anyone, other than someone who has experienced this, that truly believes in us?