In the last couple of years before Christmas 2006, I'd lost my husband, home,
horses, dogs, and my car. The last two days before Christmas 2006, I lost my
job.
I was
fired about 10:00am. I gathered my things from my desk, marched to my car and
drove to the house where I'd rented a room. I swallowed sleeping pills, and
klonopin. After vomiting once or twice, I wrote a note and lay down to die.
After that
I remember 2 things. The first was my landlord and his son standing in the
room. My landlord was trying to wake me up by yanking my arm out of its socket
(why? I have no idea). The 2nd was presumably at the ER where the doc rubbed
his knuckle on my sternum trying to get me to wake up and tell him what I'd
taken. I promptly told him to F%#* off and went back under.
During the
time I was out, I remember being in a pitch black void, with me glowing softly
within it. I felt complete relief, love, warmth, security, acceptance and lots
of other things that I can't really describe. I was able to surrender to this
darkness without fear. Since I don't have family or children, I had a feeling
that it was OK that I stay in that void forever; everything would have gone on
without me just fine.
I woke up
some time later, I have no idea how long. I was very angry at the doc and other
folks at having been brought back. I even lashed out at the ER doc who came to
me and tried to shame me for "probably frying my liver". To this day, I'm still
angry about being brought back.
During my
stay at the mental ward, several nurses came to me when I was sitting by myself
and asked me what I'd seen. When I told them about the void and how it felt,
the seemed disappointed. Maybe they wanted to hear about a bright light?
Was the
kind of experience difficult to express in words?
No
At the
time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?
Yes
At what
time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and
alertness?
I was conscious and alert the entire time I was in the void.
How did
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare
to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?
More consciousness and alertness than normal
If your
highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different
from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:
I was conscious and alert the entire time I was in the void.
Did your
vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such
as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of
solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Yes Yes. I have very, very bad eyes (almost legally blind) and I could see
myself and my "glow" very clearly.
Did your
hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect,
such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
Uncertain There was no noise to speak of.
Did you
experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?
Uncertain
What
emotions did you feel during the experience?
Like I've written above, I felt warmth, security, love, acceptance,
etc.
Did you
pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?
Uncertain
I really don't know - I went from consciousness into the void. If I passed
through any tunnel at all, I don't remember it.
Did you
see a light?
No
Did you
meet or see any other beings?
No
Did you
experience a review of past events in your life?
No
Did you
observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that
could be verified later?
No
Did you
see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or
dimensions?
No
Did you
have any sense of altered space or time?
Uncertain My experience in the void seemed to last a life time, and at the
same time lasted only a second.
Did you
have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?
Yes
Did you
reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?
No I felt as if I was being held in the void, like a sort of "holding
pattern", if you will.
Did you
become aware of future events?
No
Did you
have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you
did not have prior to the experience?
Yes I was slightly empathic before. After the experience I have become
slightly empathic with people, especially animals. Thoughts get into my head
about people, and then those thoughts come true, usually days or weeks later.
Have
you shared this experience with others?
Yes I shared it with one close friend while I was in the hospital, but he
didn't want to hear it. A second friend of mine let me tell the whole story,
and lovingly accepted it.
Did you
have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
Yes I'd read about NDE's when I was in high school.
How did
you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it
happened:
Experience was definitely real I wanted desperately to go back to the void.
But for some reason I can't see myself committing suicide to get there. That's
a no-no.
Were
there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or
significant to you?
How do
you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was definitely real I currently view it as a rare gift. I am able
to help those I come into contact with that death is not a horror but a natural
part of life.
Have your
relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes
I tend to tell
people the good things I think about them, (like their doing a good job, they
look great today, stuff like that). I tend to be able to keep my mouth shut
better when negative thoughts enter my head.
Have
your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
Yes
I've gone from
being certain that Christianity was the answer, to being much more accepting of
all religions and ideals.
Following the
experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or
substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Did the
questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes
Are
there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?
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