John N's NDE

Experience description: 

On January 22, 1998 I suffered a major heart attack while sawing limbs off a large oak tree. I called my wife and said, "I'm ill." I did not call 911, because I was in a remote location and they might not have arrived in time. My wife came to get me 15 minutes after my call and drove me to Kaiser Hospital in Santa Rosa, CA. In the following hours I was declared, "Code Blue" three times.  I was a volunteer at Kaiser at the time, and knew most of the staff who cared for me. They were very fearful that I would not recover.

The medical staff waited several days until I was stable enough to undergo surgery for a quadruple bypass several days later.  I do not know when the NDE occurred on January 22, because I was in and out of consciousness, and heavily medicated, but it was some time during the afternoon.

I experienced total blackness, total peace and total calm. The experience was quite beyond description, I can merely relate what happened. It absolutely removed my fear of death, and that absence of fear lasts to this day.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes,    The experience was quite beyond description. I experienced total blackness that was not at all frightening, total peace and total calm, but those words do not even begin to describe what happened. They are merely the best words I can find to relate what happened.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes     I was in the middle of a heart attack, but did not know what was the matter, I just knew I was desperately ill.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    I don't know the times because I was in the Emergency Room and in CICU for several days. Late in the afternoon I was transported by ambulance to The Memorial Hospital in Santa Rosa. By that time I was conscious, and remember that the NDE had already occurred, so it was sometime during the afternoon as I drifted in and out of consciousness.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            The experience was indelible and I remember it vividly. I remember that I was very alert some of the time that afternoon. I remember some of the staff talking to me as I answered their questions, eg, "What is your pain level on a scale of 1 - 10." My response was, "Fifteen!" I remember the doctor saying, "Give him more morphine," but I cannot relate the time of the NDE more specifically than that.

I also remember waking one time and counting the number of needles and catheter type devices in my arm. I think that was before the NDE, but I cannot be certain.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes     But, how can I describe "blackness"? I couldn't "see it", but I was intensely aware of what was happening to me.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?            No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Total peace, total calm. I was not in the least bit afraid or anxious.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes     I could not describe the details, but I was aware that where I was did not seem to be a vast expanse.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Uncertain
            Yes, in the sense that it was not my normal state of being, but I do not recall any location of space or time.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Uncertain            Yes, in the sense that I have never experienced anything remotely like it before. However, I came to know that I should, from then on, be totally unafraid of death. That feeling continues with me to this day, and I am confident it will remain with me forever.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Uncertain      I do not recall crossing a boundary, but I was very aware that this was a spiritual experience as opposed to some psychological or physical phenomenon.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     Uncertain      The whole experience was a gift! However, I did not and do not recall any specific psychic gifts as a result.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     I told my wife and my three adult children what had happened when they first visited me. I think they were interested, but I do not recall their response other than to be aware that I would not fabricate such an experience. I am sure they believed me. I well remember telling them I could not explain what had happened, but only tell them it had occurred.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Yes     As a Baptist Pastor I have talked to people who have experienced NDEs. My specialty in the pastorate was working with people who were dying. I studied death and dying for a year at the University Medical Center in San Francisco, CA. in 1972. At the time I read everything in print in connection with the subject. Following 1972 there was an explosion of literature on the subject such that I could not keep up. I have written several papers on death and dying, but have never written anything about my NDE. I have never doubted that such an event was, and is possible. My experience was not affected in any way other than to say I have always been open to NDEs.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            Yes, I experienced a conversion when I was nineteen, but the experience of total blackness, calm and peace of the NDE were unlike anything I have ever had before or since.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real
            It was a certainty of life after death, and the realization that I need never fear death again. I decided that the NDE was a revelation that there was life beyond the grave. I immediately recognized the validity of what had happened to me and that this was no freak event, but MY Truth.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real
            I live in a forest. I am a very early riser. I often go out well before dawn in the morning, and as I look up at the non light polluted sky I say to, Whomsoever, "This is a great day to live, and a great day to die." Many times I have stood still looking up at the sky and said, "I am perfectly willing and ready to die now, or at any time in the future. There is a sense in which I cannot wait to die, because I am utterly convinced that my search for meaning, my belief and worship of the Divine, will be enhanced greatly when I die.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes
            I have worked with many, many people who were dying. I have been able to convey a sense of assurance to them that they do not need to fear what they are going through, because they will be safe after they pass away. In addition to counseling the dying I have also worked as a volunteer for Hospice, and in working with dying patients in hospitals I have been very willing to discuss their fears, and do my best to reassure them of their safety. Though not sharing my particular spiritual beliefs, I know that my wife recognizes the validity of my experience, and I believe it has convinced her of her immortality. Perhaps this is also true with my children, but I have not discussed it with them lately.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?            Yes            I have been on a spiritual quest most of my adult life. I left the ministry, since I felt that my experience as a Pastor did not answer my deepest questions and I needed to continue my search outside of Christianity. I am not "religious," but I am a deeply spiritual person, and have been throughout my adult life. I believe that my understanding is deeper than ever it was as a practicing "Christian" in the understood sense of that word.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        It was totally real, life changing, and wonderful. It was, as I view it, a gift of The Divine, to me. Life is good, and so is death.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes     I have never participated in a survey such as this. I found this as a result of going to the website after reading the article in the Spokane Review newspaper this morning, October, 26, 2004. After reading the article I decided to try and contact Dr. Jeffrey Long, quoted in the article, to try and relate my experience.

I would like to meet and/or correspond with others who have had similar experiences. I have been well aware for years that some people experience a light, tunnel, seeing other spiritual persons, etc. I have never talked to anyone who experienced total blackness, that I can recall.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire:
            I wish there had been a box for answers, 7, 10, 13 and 25 in order for me to expand concerning my particular experience, however, I think that the other responses reflect my case very well. Thank you very much for this opportunity.