JoAnn M's NDE

Experience description: 

I am attaching 2 versions - the 1st is what came out of an interview.  The 2nd is one that I began writing a few years...it isn't completely done and has some holes but it gives the gist of the story.

I was at home, folding laundry, not feeling so great, when my bronchials started tightening up and knew I was getting into trouble. I took some of my usual inhaler, but it didn't work. My last resort, which I had never used before, was an Epi-Pen, a shot of  epinephrine-a hormone sometimes called 'adrenaline.' That didn't kick in, either, so I called my dad who lived a few blocks away and told him I needed to go to the hospital. Prior to his arrival, I remember pacing my apartment like a caged animal.  When he arrived, I insisted we go outside while we waited for a friend to drive us.  

I remember going down the first five steps to the car, and that's it. I collapsed out in the street.  Since it was a warm evening in September, neighbors were out and saw me go down.  While people ran to get me out of the intersection (for some reason I had dragged my father out to the middle of the street!), someone called 911.   Paramedics arrived and worked on me in the street for close to 45 minutes.  Since I was "dead weight", I wasn't moved until they arrived and could slip a stretcher under me.  

From what I was told, they checked me for drug tracks, took blood for a quick analysis, and immediately intubated me.  I was breathing erratically, and my pupils were fixed.    When they felt I was stabilized to be moved, I was placed in the ambulance for transport.  It was then my heart stopped the first time.  We had only driven to the corner of my street.  Since my dad was with the driver, he could hear the monitors buzz and with that, the driver cursed, hit the sirens muttering we are losing her.  My father never saw me again.  Twice more my heart stopped briefly while  in the Emergency Room.  The final time, when I would guess my spirit joined my body, I came up off the table and in one fluid movement, punched a nurse in the jaw.  It took 4 of the team to wrestle me to the table and administer a shot of  something to calm me down.  They thought I was going for the respirator tube. 

It's very hard to explain what happened to me during that time, because it was like a dream, a beautiful dream that I had never dreamt before.  Where it starts I do not know. 

I did move through a black, velvety tunnel, a color black I had never seen nor can I describe,  toward a very distant pinpoint of light.  I had spiritual guides who gave me what I call   "a tour of the universe", and that was a sense of the vastness of the universe, of being there at its creation, of being a part of the universe from its beginnings, and I was part of all that has occurred, and all that will occur.  It was like I had no sense of self, that I was everything and everything was me, including God. It was a very reassuring feeling and I felt very safe and protected.. I felt unconditional love,  joy and profound peacefulness.  I had no sense of linear time and even now, have a problem sometimes operating within parameters of "time".  

I was told everything that ever occurred and every will occur.  I was given reasons for was, what is, and what will be.  For instance, I was told that part of the reason the global changes as it relates to weather is occurring is that the planet is beginning to take back it's original shape, to undo what man thought was right to harness her power.  For instance, the rivers are taking back their beds.   I remember questioning these beings, why does this occur and what has that, and learned it is to be.  I was also told, as a flip side of the coin, that humans have free will and some of the things that occur are because of choice.  I remember getting real deep into the cause and effect and ying and yang of things.  Some of it I didn't like and while it's a struggle for me to sometimes understand, realize it happens because of choices.  This was in the realm of good and evil.  I heard sounds I never heard, and while I never saw a human form, knew their were "vibrations" all around me, guiding and helping me along. 

So as I drifted along, I suddenly came to a stop.  I didn't want to go back into my body.   I encountered a form who I knew was God who told me it was time to now go back.  I started arguing with God in my own little obnoxious way and God said I needed to go back because my mission here wasn't complete.   I think that is the point in the emergency room I started bucking up off the table and got violent.  Up to the point there were no neurological signs and I had not responded to neurological stimuli (pinpricks, etc.). 

I opened my eyes and as the room became clear, I felt the wonderfulness of my journey being drawn out my back.  As I became more conscious, it became less of the reality.  My family was gathered round and rushed me.  Unfortunately, I could not talk (and that point move since I had been restrained, couldn't move).   I didn't know why but did get them to untie my hands so I could write.  I had to prove there was no loss of oxygen/no brain damage so when the nurse came in, I held up a paper with my name, birth date, address, social security number, work phone number, parent's names, nieces and nephews, etc.  She insisted on asking more questions until I wrote for her to get the hell out of the room.  She did. 

At that point a physician came in and tried to give me another shot since she thought I was getting violent again but I assured him I was ok.  He left.  It was then my sister told me why I was tied up.  I laughed.  Needless to say,  I was very disappointed that the lightness of the other side faded so quickly after I woke up.  After my family left, I had a vision of an uncle who died in the 60's riding by on a motorcycle, looking James Dean handsome, telling me kid, it just wasn't your time.

Weeks later, I had called IANDS in Seattle to see what this experience was and if it was real.  The person on the other side listened intently, and after I stopped, was very emotional.  I asked if he could tell me my mission since that was the real reason for my call.  He instructed me to put the call on hold, sit back and ask the universe what my mission was.  I have to admit I thought this was hokey but did as he said.  I got back on the phone and told him I got the strangest response, that I hadn't loved enough.  I asked what the heck could that mean?  I haven't killed anyone, I always believed in God and all that stuff, heck, I won't even kill a fly.    I'm just a regular female not setting the world on fire, living day-to-day, doing what I have to do. 

I think after I babbled enough, he stopped me and said congratulations, you have had a classic near death experience.  He told me that mission is the reason why most people are sent back, and that there could be a zillion interpretations to what not loving enough is.  I have to determine that for myself.  But, he told me a secret….that part of that mission would be to let people know that death is not to be feared and the transition is a glorious one.  I would find myself in situations where the topic would come up with complete strangers and never feel strange. 

My sense now of "heaven," of the afterlife, is that what happens to you when you die is your choice. You can choose to exist in a state of unconditional love, or not, and it all comes from how you forgive yourself for the blunders you made in your life. You totally judge yourself. You  feel the pain that you created during your life, and it all comes back to you as the creator. Sometimes people go through this during their NDE - a past life review - but I was spared.

Since that time I have had many, many encounters, some strange, some not.  I've met angels, stumbled across people who have jetted me along my path, had problems with electromagnetic fields, shorted out appliances, popped light bulbs, been through 3 automobiles (one was a brand new car that turned out to be a  lemon!), have visions of disasters including weather, transportation, etc., more lucid dreams and increased psychic awareness.  The "fallout" has been too numerous to mention.

And my awareness of my NDE is a constantly evolving thing.  I may see a program on TV that triggers a further NDE memory.  I was told that not all of the NDE would be manifested, that it would unfold as I need it during my life.  I can't imagine what other incredible things occurred.   I no longer rush to get in the next moment, and live right in the moment that is occurring.  I try not to allow situations impact negatively on me, although most of the time, being in the physical world, it's easier said than done.  But my response to these situations has changed and that's where the profound change has occurred in me.  I'm not as quick to judge as before, and let people be who they are without trying to shift their perception to agree with mine.  I realize they are living out their karma by making their choice, whether I can see the outcome of good or bad for them.  I understand it is something they need to go through, learn whatever lessons they need.  And to take it a step further, if they choose to recognize the lesson.

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This is something I've been promising to do for years.  While my intentions were good, it's not the easiest thing to have to relive.  Sure, it's a cakewalk to tell it, but to have the words look back at you and to feel the emotion attached to them, well, it's a little overwhelming.  How many times I turned on the computer, and someplace I even have it started on a disk, but it never got finished.  I would just stare and transport myself back in time, feeling the floodgates open and in the quiet of the written word, reconnect with just my little piece of heaven.

It really started before the actual event.  It was the summer of 1994, and for awhile I hadn't been feeling quite right.  It had been a hard year for me, having trying to balance myself again from my first financial set back of having lost a job.  That experience in and of itself was a nightmare but I definitely learned my lesson there.  The grass definitely isn't greener on the other side. So having that lesson under my belt, I had a temporary job with my previous employer.  I managed to make some good contacts in the human resources department and when the temp job ended, it was just weeks before I landed what was at the time a perfect job.  I remember starting at a time when I was probably on the verge of pneumonia, but I didn't have health insurance or too much money.  I was way too proud to ask for help.   I managed to get "better" but for the next year or so I would constantly feel like a cold was coming on. 

I had turned into a workaholic of sorts and for being a secretary, that's not such a smart thing.  But I needed something to fill my time.  I had lots of friends - I was in with one of the "in" crowds at the club so we went out a lot and danced.  Of course, something was missing.  What the something was, I didn't know.   I had done a lot of introspective meditation, but always came up short figuring I wasn't doing something right.  Having done a program in holistic studies a few years before, I really thought I was one of the misfits of the planet since I just couldn't find my nitch.  Everyone else seemed to have gotten into something and be progressing nicely.  Not me.  I just kept reading and searching and coming up blank.

I muddled along.   One summer afternoon in work I suddenly couldn't breath and felt like I was going to black out.  I managed to call another office but unfortunately the nurse I wanted to talk to was busy.  I hung up the phone and the feeling passed.  I brushed it off as something crazy like momentary sick building syndrome figuring the lack of fresh air combined with my sensitivity to fumes probably overcame me.  Labor Day weekend 1994 gave me a hint that something was amiss.  I was at my family's annual block party and was feeling wheezy.  Having been asthma all of my life, I lived on inhalers.  So I puffed away.  As the day went on and grew hotter, I started to lose my steam.  I managed to put on a good face and as the evening went on, I managed to call it a day and go home.  By this time I was having difficulty breathing and decided I would contact my physician when I returned to work.  I had gotten through these before and figured I was probably tired coupled with early fall allergies and a possible end of summer cold.

The weeks went by uneventfully.  Of course when I went to the doctors I was fine so the event was indeed just an end of summer thing. 

On September 20th, I had a pretty normal day at work.  I was feeling a little tired and blamed this on the rigorous walk I took the night before.  I was a pro at finding something to blame.  It was a beautifully warm Tuesday evening, and I was preparing to do my Tuesday night thing.  I would gather my laundry to take to my sisters, visit with my nieces and baby nephew, and meet the gang at the club for our line dance night.  I would never make my dance gig.   I went to my sisters, did my laundry and played with the kids.  I even took Maggie, their cocker, out for a walk.  During this time, I started to tighten up so out came my trusty inhaler.  It helped but not much so I decided I'd skip the smoky club (even though it wasn't crowded, there were a few chain smokers who managed to keep that cloud hovering).  I went home and started undoing my laundry.  While folding towels and sheets, I really started to tighten up.  I took a pill along with a few more hits from inhaler and waited for it to take.  As the moments passed, I started to feel worse. 

I called my doctors office to tell them I was having problems and would come into the emergency room for treatment.  I left a message if he would call with orders.  I then called my dad to have his friend take me downtown.  While waiting for him to walk the few blocks, I started to feel worse and panic.  A few months prior my physician had given me a EpiPen in case I ever got in real trouble.  I was pacing like a caged lion.  I decided to use the injection.  I got more agitated and paced even more. By this time my father had arrived and I insisted we wait outside.   The time was approximately 8:35 pm.

I grabbed his arm and we started down the first set of steps.  When we reached the landing, I started to lose my peripheral vision.  All the while, however, I was gasping and chattering away.  The rest of the physical story is as related to me by  my dad.  I continued to cling to him as we walked down the second set of steps.  When we reached the pavement, he said I started mumbling and pulling him into the middle of the street.  At this point, I was engulfed in total blackness and figure I was running on stored energy.  He said I dragged him into the street and planted my feet.  He couldn't drag me back to the safety of the pavement. 

Suddenly, he felt my body go limp and I fainted to the street as he caught me.  He tried to drag me out of harms way but I was dead weight.  Since it was a balmy evening and some of the neighbors were sitting on their patios, they witnessed this scene and called 911.  Screaming for help, some of them came down to help my dad get me out of the way.  I wouldn't budge.  He kept my head off the street and said I was heaving air and my eyes were rolling around.  My muscles were limp and heavy and at this point my body had shut down.  I had completely evacuated my body contents.  I was in trouble.  At this point, a crowd had begun to gather. 

The first to arrive on the scene was a fire truck.  The fireman intubated me on the street.  The paramedics arrived, did whatever blood work they do to determine if drugs are involved and begun life support.  Calls were put into the hospital notifying them of our pending arrival.  However, it took over 40 minutes to get me stable to transport, not to mention to move me onto a stretcher and into the truck.  In the meantime, my physician had been calling my house very concerned because I had not arrived at the hospital in town.  Due to my unstable condition, the paramedics would take me to the closest hospital to my home, a Catholic hospital just a few miles away.   

I met many angels that night, some in human form who stayed with me until medical help arrived.   No one saw them come or where they went.   They never saw their faces.  But they coaxed me to hold on.

My journey begins.  I was comfortably wafting along a black tunnel, no specific direction since I had no body to gauge and noticed it was a blackness like I had never seen.   It was full of love and joy and peace and just nurtured me along.  Waves just came over me and gently guided me along.  I was overcome by the love that surrounded me and that I could return the feeling. 

At some point, a being came along and took me on a tour of the universe.  I had instilled in me, creation and how the galaxies were created.  I got to visit places that were advanced beyond comprehension, and yet see places that are just starting out!  I was met with such love and compassion that I could care what was going on to my human transporter.  While the paramedics continued to work on me and get me ready for transport, I was too busy playing on a star and meeting my Maker!  It never concerned me there were no bodies, and fear was not in my vocabulary.  Things were assimilated instantly and within that instant, knowledge was completely consumed.  These beings were not male or female.   Since there is no way to measure time, I have no idea how long this went on.  I was shown and told things unimaginable.  

Each time the beings were through with me, I would be back in the tunnel, floating along, only to be met by other beings.   At some point I noticed a shining pinpoint of light.  I floated towards it.    Suddenly, a large being, gray in color, blocked my path.  I couldn't get over it, around it or through it.   I remember trying and trying to no avail.   Finally I asked it to let me pass.   It very kindly said no.   I again asked.  It again said no.  Being a little feisty on the earth plane, I ordered it to move and tried to shove it aside.  No luck.  The Being, who I called God, told me I had to go back to complete my mission.  

Back on earth, doctors and nurses were feverishly working on me.  My vital signs were dangerously low, it was unknown how much oxygen I had lost and if there was any brain damage.  Since my pupils were fixed and they could not elicit any response, the doctor went into the room where my parents and sister were to tell them he didn't know how much longer I would hold on, and he would leave them alone to discuss funeral arrangements. 

At the same time I was completing my incredible journey, and my spirit returned to my body.  At this moment I came up off the table and slugged a nurse - so hard that they thought I either broke her jaw or gave her a concussion.   I can't imagine my strength at that time!   They actually thought I was trying to pull the tube out of my throat when I know it was my spirit re-entering my body.   According to my medical record, this occurred at 1:05 am.  

When I woke up, I had no idea where I was, what day it was, what time it was - nothing.   My family was gathered around me, along with some friends, my boss and the doctors and nurses.  At the same time I woke up, I could feel the "knowledge" instilled in me being masked.  I knew it was there, but I could not access it.  My family members were hysterical to say the least.  I tried to reach out to them but I was tied down due to my "violent" behavior.  My sister filled me in on what had occurred with my hitting a nurse and all I could do was shake with laughter.  

Also at this time, I had no idea how small I was - I thought I filled the room!  I thought I was floating!!   We "talked" with my giving sign language and I assured them I was fine.   Shortly after this a nurse came in to ask me questions to see if there was brain damage.  I grabbed the pen and paper and wrote the answers to her questions before she asked - like my name, address, social security number - heck I even wrote my computer password at work.   My boss picked up that I was ok and delicately told the nurse to leave me alone, I was fine.  (My boss at that time was a surgical oncologist.).   Undaunted, she continued to ask so I started to write nursery rhymes.   She then left.  

The doctors were in and out of the room to see how I was doing and amazed that I was alive, much less not brain damaged.  I finally convinced my family to leave, that I was ok.  The nurse who I slugged came to see me with an ice pack on her cheek.  She was quite jovial considering what I had done.  She indicated that this behavior was normal when someone comes back their body.  At this point I started to wonder what had occurred.  
I had many visits that evening from deceased relatives telling me I was going to be ok. 

Over the course of the next few weeks it came back to me that I was here on a mission - but what was it?   I went to the bookstore and stood in front of the new age section and asked to please show me a book that will help me realize what I had been through.  Immediately a book jumped off the shelves and fell to my feet - an NDE book by Barbara Harris.   Thus begins my journey.

My mission, I later found out, was to come back and love, to help people not fear death.   I was told 'you haven't loved enough'.   This came through the guidance of a wonderful  Seattle FOI support group member who counseled me over the phone.  He told me to ask the universe what my mission was …my answer was stated above.   I thought that was the coolest thing!   Since that time I haven't stopped.  It isn't easy most days carrying this miracle, wishing to be "home".    But I know I'm here for a reason, as we all are.  And the pains of humanity can be unbearable sometimes.    There is so much more to tell!

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     No

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

For me, words don't express the depth of feeling

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes

respiratory failure

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           unconscious

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   not at all

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

I knew I was total love - spirit form.   I could not relate to a physical form.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           kind of a whoosh/buzz

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes

            Describe:      It was velvety black and I slowly floated along.  Hands along either side went from side to side and this motion moved me along.

Did you see a light?           Yes

Very faint pinprick of light at the end of a vast tunnel

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes

I remember meeting 2 sets of maybe 3.  I didn't know them and all communication was infused.  The first group took me on a tour of the universe - past, present and future.   The second group gave me universal knowledge.  The third being was God who sent me back.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Uncertain

Sometimes I say things that haven't occurred yet - this is where the escalation of psychic abilities has come up.  Also, when I awoke, an uncle who died about 25 years prior came to me in a vision.  I later saw a photograph which was the same way he came to me (riding on a motorcycle with his hair done like James Dean and a pack of cigarettes rolled up his t-shirt sleeve - he told me "it wasn't your time yet kid").  I didn't know this uncle but knew who it was and when I saw the photo and said oh, this is uncle Johnny my aunt was shocked I could ID him.

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           Yes

From what I remember, and it's very selective, I remember visiting what I thought was Atlantis/Crystal City.   It was incredible.  I remember it having a pink hue and being far ahead of us in it's technology.  I remember visiting places that were just coming into existence, and some that were on various planes of evolution.   I remember being "told" that some things scientists believe, like black holes and some physics laws are not quite correct.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

Actually I had no sense of time!

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

See parts of responses above.    When I awoke I could actually feel the knowledge "drain" out of me.  I remember pushing into the bed to keep that feeling but it just flowed away.   I remember strange stuff, like things related to weather - that what is considered weird weather patterns is just the planet trying to "right" itself.   I remember having religious questions answered, and knowing why I always felt uncomfortable in catholic school.  Not that what I learned is wrong, it just isn't quite right.   I remember being told things would be ok, that things have to occur.   I always remember what I felt was an in-depth "conversation" about free will and learning that we all have choices and things that happen, both positive and negative, come out of those choices and they have to be.  

Sometimes the universal knowledge pops into my head as things occur in the world.  For instance, I remember SOME physics data, and when the info about a black whole in our galaxy hit the papers last week, I remember blurting out spontaneously it's about time they figured that one out.   Of course everyone looked at me like I was nuts and I just shrugged my shoulders and said "old news".  Stuff like that happens alot.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Yes

The third being I met was God and he stopped me from moving further towards the light.  He told me I had to go back to complete my mission.   I wanted so bad to keep going, stay dead.  He wouldn't let me (in fact, we had quite a war with words!!).  I remember fighting with Him for what seemed like hours, going so far to ask "and who do you think you are not letting me pass".

Did you become aware of future events?       Yes

I didn't remember this part upon awakening.  The flashes and feelings/symbolism sometimes "come back to me" hours, days or weeks before the event.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Yes

They were more amplified.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

Jeez - lots.  For instance, and I'll keep things short, I know that God isn't some meanie that sits on a throne with a big book and when we die checks off our names and sends us to either the heaven or hell line.  I know that "judgment day" is our life review.   I've become a softer person, go more with the flow (although some days it just ain't real easy!).   I could go on and on.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       I'm a lot more tolerant of differences I encounter with people.  I'm also more selective.  I tend to feel a purpose sometimes when I meet people and know to hang in there with them cause there's a lesson.   If something isn't working I seem to be able to identify that and move on.   

My daily life is more meditative, more reflective, more time talking to God, more spiritual.   I feel more connected to all kinds of things.  I remember after my experience I sat and stared at things like I never saw them before, and in awe.  I felt like I was connected to what I used to think were inanimate objects.   I felt everything had some kind of soul purpose, from a rock to a tree to a bug, etc.   I marveled at passing clouds, and here's a funny one, at how the tires on a car went around, it the street and moved the car forward.  I become much more in tune.

I searched for some kind of organized religious practice that I felt comfortable in to become part of.  I haven't found one yet.   I became a Reiki Master which further awakened my experience in me. 

I am more easy going at work and feel wherever I land is where I am needed.   I've learned some really cool lessons in this vein.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes

I'm much more purposeful, more grounded (well, sometimes), more forgiving, more spiritual, more appreciative, less materialistic (although by giving up the want I have more now than I ever did) - I could go on for hours.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

Usually if I'm with someone for some strange and unforeseen reason (at least on a physical plane) the conversation gets around to death and dying, what it's like, etc.  It's usually at this time I feel a nudge to share whatever is needed at the time.  Sometimes people are spooked by it yet most times people are so thirsty for information they want more.   Most feel comfort in knowing there is something more.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Confusion at first because even though I had taken courses in holistic medicine and paranormal phenomena, I never heard of an NDE.   I started searching for a label to describe what happened to me.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      There are a lot of bests.  Realizing we all have a purpose in life and what we do with it is up to us.   Realizing there really really is a God and spirit beings that are with us all the time.   Realizing there is more to life way beyond the physical.  

Worst part is that they saved me.  Worst part is that I had no choice and had to come back.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        There is so much to say yet I find myself repeating a lot, grasping for words to express the feelings.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

As best and quickly as I could

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    This is a great questionnaire and a great exercise for an experiencer to go through.   I really am thankful that Bev Brodsky let me know about it - it's like a mini-retreat!