J.H. NDE

EXPERIENCE DESCRIPTION:

I had delivered my son, who weighed 10lbs 3oz, naturally with no medical intervention, specifically no prostaglandin in the third stage which can prevent post partum hemorrhage.

The next thing I remember was coming to in a different physical position, my head had been lowered onto the bed, I opened my eyes, still very calmly and saw my husband's ashen face at the foot of the bed holding my son. I asked what had happened, and he could not speak from shock, the midwife was shouting for help and trying to stay calm with me, I asked her if she was alright, she was crying and said you'll be ok. I struggled to sit up, so that everyone would be reassured, I felt physically completely without any life force/energy. I tried to speak and felt myself slipping away, I was lowered down again on the bed and lost conscious awareness of my physical body. I could no longer experience physical input. But I was aware with a different part of me. Which is why I say there were no feelings or thoughts, just kind of awareness. I became aware of an intense, pure softness and I knew in that moment, 'He's/it's coming', I experienced a force of being wanted. But it wasn't a force with a vector, it was just an energy. I was aware that there was no linearity to my experience, no attachment almost as though the forces that operated inside it were free floating. In our framework for understanding it I could say this intense softness wanted me and loved me, like it was pulling itself to itself with joy, smiling peace, and the most intense softness.

Then there appeared in the bottom left corner of my mind's eye a luminescence. Gosh this is so clichéd, but it is absolutely true. The luminescence came towards me and I towards it. I knew with a kind of transcendent knowing what it was, and it was communicating the very fullness of itself and I was aware of the magnitude of it. It was infinite, and boundless and perfect. But I resisted it. It was overwhelmingly attractive. And its attractiveness was the force that was pulling me towards it. But I told it I could not come because my son needed me. A big part of me was being seduced by it. It was telling me how loved I was, how safe I would be, how peaceful, how joyful and serene, forever. And I refused to go. It was really strong and I was almost completely enveloped by it. I fought with every ounce of me to get away from it. It was absolutely the hardest battle of my life. It took everything I had. And I felt like at one millisecond I was asked if I truly wanted to go back, and I said yes.

I came to in the delivery suite and counted nine medical personnel's heads around me, alarms going off and lots of panic in the room. The midwife was still crying but was standing at the back of the room whilst a nurse was trying to put an IV tube in my arm and the crash pads were raised above my chest. I said what's going on here? and everyone seemed relieved, the consultant said, you're very poorly and we thought we'd lost you. I smiled, thinking, if only you knew what's been going here! I wondered if I should tell him all about God and death and thought...maybe not.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes     Because the experience didn't seem to be processed through the same perception framework. It didn't 'feel' wonderful, it just was. I didn't 'feel' conflicted, it was just that there was conflict, like forces working in the situation that were attached to my situation but not directly processed through me. I only began to engage with them directly towards the very end of the experience.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes     I lost consciousness due to a post partum hemorrhage. Apparently I lost most of the blood in my body. I had no pulse, my vital signs were not being monitored by a machine so it is unclear whether I died clinically.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    It was two entirely different types of alertness and consciousness. When I struggled to come back as I was presumably moving back inside my physical experience I began to re-experience the immediacy of physical consciousness, like everything suddenly got very immediate and took on a different timbre. I became aware of feelings, distress, striving, pain, fear and sadness, of the massive physical weight of the condition that I was in. But the previous experience was totally different in nature. It was a very, very grounded feeling, unshakeable, like a deep knowingness. I knew who I was, I knew and recognized instantly the existence that was coming towards me.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    Less consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            It was two entirely different types of alertness and consciousness. When I struggled to come back as I was presumably moving back inside my physical experience I began to re-experience the immediacy of physical consciousness, like everything suddenly got very immediate and took on a different timbre. I became aware of feelings, distress, striving, pain, fear and sadness, of the massive physical weight of the condition that I was in. But the previous experience was totally different in nature. It was a very, very grounded feeling, unshakeable, like a deep knowingness. I knew who I was, I knew and recognized instantly the existence that was coming towards me.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Uncertain      I didn't use my senses. It was like I was referring back to a catalogue of phenomena to process my experience. Totally impossible to describe. Even the light wasn't just light it was everything rolled into one, it was softness, love, peace, tenderness calm, giving, compassion, energy , joy light, power crikey it's a full on everything of an experience.

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Uncertain      as above, didn't hear, just knew - telepathy perhaps silent communication, like prayer/spirituality.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            As above

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes     I suppose so, the light grew towards me enveloping me and I knew that I would be entering fully into it if I did not fight.

Did you see a light?           Yes     as above

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Uncertain      Yes, but no physical form, I communicated with an existence, a phenomena.

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    No      

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No      

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?           No           

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes     Time was gone. Everything happened instantly but there was subsequent progression.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes            Like I said, a deep knowingness, a certainty. Lack of doubt.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No      

Did you become aware of future events?       No           

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     Uncertain      Well, I'm not sure but I seem to have a gift with my patients. I have just retired from Psychotherapy and I seemed to have a innate ability to intuit their unconscious process. Whether this came from that experience is unknown, but it was/is bewildering to me. I just seem to know, despite feeling like its not me that knows.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     I told my husband after about six months. He was shaken by it. He was in shock for a long time after the incident. I have subsequently shared it with patients. they are also very shaken by it. I am not prone to this kind of disclosure! I am a dyed in the wool scientist.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Yes            Only anecdotal, general awareness of third degree dissociative experiences and seeing a light. I was very skeptical! I still am.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real    I was in denial for a long time. I was very shaken by it. I refused to look at it. I was very sick for several months afterwards, it took a long time to recover and I was afraid that God wanted me and would come and get me, so I guarded against this by denying the existence of the experience. I have relaxed a little and now accept that it happened.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?            yes. There are several things about the experience that bother me. One is that the light seemed to want me and I don't know what meaning to attach to this. And secondly that it was so incredibly difficult to get back, it was agony.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real            Part of the process of accepting the reality of the experience is to record it here and to allow others to see it. I still do not know whether the experience was evidence of life after death, a transition episode between life and death or simply a defense of the unconscious against dying.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           No      

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?            No           

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         Yes     meditation.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        No.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes    

Are there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?   Yes, perhaps a more detailed exploration of the framework of consciousness. An understanding or identification of the nature of waking consciousness and sub consciousness and the type of consciousness experienced in NDE's