Heron S NDE

EXPERIENCE DESCRIPTION:           

I was very unhappy in my family and social life, a gay teenager brought up in a very restrictive and rigidly conservative family where most of my needs for safety and care were not being met.  I had gone away to college the previous year which meant leaving the only support system I had known and relying on myself, although I had very few self-care skills.  I felt utterly exposed and in danger, and disconnected from myself and any hope of living a fulfilling life. I decided to end the pain of that by taking two bottles of sleeping pills, which I did in the woods above our house that summer on a day when no one was to be home.  

A few hours later, after apparently stumbling around the woods in a drug psychosis and at some point vomiting up much of the dissolved pills, I went back into the house, thinking it hadn't worked, and fell asleep on my bed till my sister came home from work and found me that evening. I awoke briefly when the paramedics came for me, one of whom I knew from my summer job, and later woke up in the hospital psych ward. 

Sometime during the unconscious part of that ordeal, I felt myself, just my consciousness, flying in a straight direction at an incredible speed, but I didn't smack into anything.  It was through a definite tunnel, but there were no apparent physical walls to the tunnel, yet it contained my path toward the One.  This seemed to go on for an enormous but immeasurable amount of time and in terms of experiencing it as travel through "physical" space, I must have gone for an indescribable distance.  The velocity was beyond anything possible in the physical realm.   

Toward "arrival", I saw I was approaching a formidably bright light Source and the tremendous speed gradually and unrushedly slowed to a stop.  There before me was a human-shaped Figure from which the Light was emanating.  The Light had a tangible quality to it, like some exquisite and viscous liquid Energy... it was radiating and pulsating continuously outward and I simply was bathed in its delicious, nourishment.  The Being of Light looked like an outline shape of a fit, adult human form, neither male nor female, although Its energy felt like a warmth and strength that I associate with male energy in this life; but I recognize that it can exist in women too.   

Being in Its Presence felt so good, like peace, and like calm, and like home, and like belonging, and like safety and wellness.  I could have stayed there forever and my contact with the Being of Light was somehow outside of time, although there was communication that I barely recall now:  somehow, with Words that had no Sound, I understood that it wasn't time for me to be There, not yet.  There was no sense of rushing my departure--it wasn't within time as I understand that here--but at some point I reverse-flew back through the tunnel with no walls and I guess landed back inside my physical body, where I awoke in the hospital.   

I was still depressed with my life's circumstances but had an irrevocable sense of connection to the Divine Light Being that gave me a calm stability.  I still wanted to die for a long time, and sometimes still do, as is associated with challenging life circumstances. Although I am rarely consciously aware of it, I still continuously yearn to be back in the Presence of the Light Being and its Radiance.  I feel ashamed for not loving this physical plane more; I do find pleasures here, but they are like nothing, like cellophane wrappers to be discarded in contrast to the humbling Majesty of the Light Being.  I wish I were more contented to just be here, it makes me have a hard time relating to most people, frankly.   

I'm not sure how, but I know that that experience has contributed to my work as a teacher and healer, the foundation of which was already in place for years before my NDE.  I have always had a talent and leaning toward helping to support and empower people on their paths, but I now consider it a way of being that feels like home.  Surface, day to day stuff is very flat and mundane for me almost always, and I crave to rejoin the Light.

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No      

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes    

I took two bottles of sleeping pills trying to kill myself (severe depression).

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?   

the whole time from flying through the tunnel to the Presence of the Light Being and it waned when I was leaving again flying away from the Light Being

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:           

the whole time from flying through the tunnel to the Presence of the Light Being and it waned when I was leaving again flying away from the Light Being

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes    

higher clarity and potency of vision

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?
            Yes    

Strangely, there wasn't much sound, it was more like inner-hearing without sound, but somehow I knew that I was hearing the delicious silence with precise and powerful clarity

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?           

joy, peace, happiness, confusion, stress, fear

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          Yes    

see # 3

Did you see a light?           Yes    

see # 3

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes    

see # 3

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?    Yes    

not in the specific sense of events, just in a wholeness and settled clarity about the feel of what had happened in my life, where I was, and my relationship to the Light Being somehow underlying everything else on the surface.  I did not

go through a series of life events, just the feeling or contact with the entirety of my life and its unfolding.  That one is hard to describe.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No      

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?            Uncertain     

the tunnel was certainly distinctive, and the arrival place before the Being of Light was beautiful because of the Being of Light, Who was all I noticed... there was nothing else there and there didn't need to be.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes    

unrushed and immeasurable sense of time, see # 3

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes    

both Universal Order and purpose, got knowledge that it wasn't my time yet and I was going back.  It wasn't a choice though, or I would have stayed there.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No      

Did you become aware of future events?       No
           

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?     No      

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes    

A few days, briefly to my Mom.  Many years till I really came to grips with it within myself, its meaning for me, and only occasionally really connecting w others on this.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    No      

I heard and read about them many years later, including common elements such as the tunnel and the Light, etc. and was shocked.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real   

The timelessness, meaning, and the clarity led me to an absolute conclusion that my NDE was and is more real than simple physical day to day existence in this body.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?   

Being in the presence of the Light Being.  And being seperated from It.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real   

Since the memory has faded over the ~ 32 years since I went there, the meaning and the feelings it evokes when I do recall what I am able to reembody me to its reality.  For instance, today a big experience with a member of my biological family evoked unexpectedly the memory and hunger to reunite with the Light Being, and I cried hot deep tears several times today, including once while answering these questions.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes    

I gravitate toward people who are actively spiritual and about substantial connection and meaning.  I have a hard time with chit chat and interactions that I read as inauthentic or meaningless.  I prefer the company of animals, people with profound mental retardation, natural environments, and only people of normative mental development who can be and are "real" with me

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?            Yes    

pagan, earth/nature-centered, focused on creativity and raising/moving power and energy.  I still get lots of great stuff from major world religions such as Christianity (which I was raised in) Buddhism or Hinduism, but energy and Light are my "religion"

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         Uncertain     

Only in very minor, remnant forms, such as breathwork practices, exercise/embodiment, at times sexual connection and activity, being in nature, etc. but nothing achieves even a fraction of one percent of the experience I had.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?       

Thanks for your interest in this and for asking about what I experienced and its meaning to me.  I need connection around it.  I often feel despair in the absence of the Light, and I want to explore new ways to hold in my consciousness a current experience of connectedness with the Light, here and now, before I go back to it at the end of this incarnation, which is where hope live for me.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Uncertain     

Well, the words tell some of what I perceived and what it meant to me, but the feeling is something I can't put into words that effectively convey its impact.

Are there any other questions we could ask to help you communicate your experience?  

As a certified Learning Specialist, I really liked that you asked both open ended "tell us about your experience" questions and also point by point clarifying questions.  Thanks for allowing me this opportunity for expression and connection.