EXPERIENCE DESCRIPTION:
My experience was rather boring. My mother's parallel experience is
a bit more interesting. I was a troubled teen and had been hoarding
prescription drugs. Late one night I decided to commit suicide, so I quietly
cut my wrists and took all of the pills I had been gathering then went to bed.
My mother (we were not
on speaking terms at the time) described getting a panicky feeling about me and
the house feeling electrified. She felt compelled to enter the "forbidden"
territory of my bedroom to try to wake me up. She said as soon as she looked at
me she could see that I was blue. She somehow got me to semi-consciousness and
out of my bed.
I felt as though I was
hovering around my body, but this was probably due to the drugs. I had no
physical sensation even though I was crashing into walls and doors. I sort of
watched my body bouncing around. Two days later, after everything was over, I
found contusions on my head and other parts of my body. In the meantime,
somehow we made it to the hospital where they put me on a gurney, got me into a
room, shoving a tube up my nose and down my throat (that I remember! It felt
like someone punched me straight in the nose.) The hospital staff kept yelling
for me to stay awake. I watched them from around my body more than in it.
Throughout this I kept
thinking, aren't I supposed to be struggling to stay alive, like in the movies?
Aren't I supposed to have some profound existential revelation as I lie dying?
Nothing. It was all very anticlimactic.
Meanwhile, my mother
was in the waiting room wondering if I was going to die. (My mother, by the
way, was the least religious woman I know, never professed a belief in God, no
interest in the spiritual, raised by an atheist mother, etc.) She described
feeling the most acute anxiety she had ever experienced while in that waiting
room, as if *she* were dying. She said that Jesus then walked into the waiting
room and told her, "Everything will be all right." She reported immediately
feeling a profound peace wash over her and the anxiety disappeared completely.
She knew that she wasn't being told whether I would live or die, but simply that
everything was going to be OK either way.
My mother didn't tell
me about this experience until years later. I asked her how she knew he was
Jesus and not some guy that worked at the hospital. She said that it was the
way he looked and that she "just knew". I asked her if he was a Mediterranean
guy with a beard and a long flowing robe, was he translucent, did he have wings,
or float off the ground? She just rolled her eyes at me and said he looked like
a regular person, except he didn't, and she refused to engage me any more on how
she knew this was Jesus. I then asked her if she didn't feel inspired to go out
and become Christian. Nope, not at all.
She never did become religious aside from a brief flirtation with Buddhism which
she dismissed at the time of her own dying. She said all "that" was out the
window. Her dying was a long drawn out process. She was lucid and would
describe others, whom I couldn't see, in the room with her, in particular a tall
man. Her father was a tall man so I asked if that was who she was talking
about. She said no, her father was over there (referring to another location).
She said the tall man told her she wouldn't have to go through agony when she
died. He was right. When she died, she opened her eyes, bright and clear, and
was gone.
Was
the kind of experience difficult to express in words?
No
At
the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?
Uncertain Not sure if I understand the question.
At
what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness
and alertness?
When I was "in" my body, I didn't know what was going on. When I was "hovering"
I had vivid thoughts and hearing that I remember to this day.
How
did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience
compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?
More consciousness and alertness than normal
If
your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was
different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please
explain:
When I was "in" my body, I didn't know what was going on. When I was "hovering"
I had vivid thoughts and hearing that I remember to this day.
Did
your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect,
such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of
solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?
Uncertain I don't think I was seeing with my eyes. I think they were
closed almost the whole time.
Did
your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any
aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness,
etc.)?
Uncertain It felt more like I was listening in on something
rather than just plain old regular listening.
Did
you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?
Uncertain
What emotions did you feel during the experience?
detached, relaxed.
Did
you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience
that could be verified later?
No
Did
you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or
dimensions?
No
Did
you have any sense of altered space or time?
Yes Just a feeling of here but not here. In between.
Did
you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?
Yes Death didn't seem scary at all.
Did
you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?
No
Did
you become aware of future events?
No
Did
you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience
you did not have prior to the experience?
Uncertain I was young when this happened, so I don't have much prior
experience to compare it to. But I have known about a friend's and a lover's
deaths before they occurred, both by accidents. I have also known about weird
random stuff ahead of time. I am not a particularly emotional or even sensitive
person, but when this "knowing" occurs it is very dramatic and I usually fall
apart weeping dramatically. It is actually quite embarrassing and I would never
disclose this to anyone except in an anonymous forum. I try to avoid "knowing".
Have you shared this experience with others?
Yes I kept journals and shared it with my brother and sister when my mother
was dying because I thought it might comfort them, 25 years after this incident
took place. My mother and I periodically discussed it when I initiated the
conversation out of curiosity. I don't know how my brother and sister feel. My
mother firmly saw these experiences as real, but didn't change her skepticism of
religion or anything else as a result.
Did
you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
No
How
did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it
happened:
Experience was probably real It is hard to reconcile the surreal with the
mundane. I would never say these events were not concretely perceived, but who
knows how much our human physiology distorts what we perceive? I saw them as
real, but jumping back into normal routine (time to get up and go to school)
sort of puts the experience in its own separate, special place.
Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or
significant to you?
It
didn't mean that much to me at the time, but now that I am a mother I see it as
a profound demonstration of how connected mothers are to their children (even if
children don't reciprocate!).
How
do you currently view the reality of your experience:
Experience was probably real Today, I don't really separate my
experience from my mother's experience. I think of it as shared. I've spent a
fair amount of time with dying people. It is pretty common for them to report
seeing people that aren't there. They see people who are already dead or people
they don't know. I've never known someone to report "seeing" someone who is
still living but isn't really in the room. To me this implies they aren't
hallucinating, but it doesn't exclude the possibility that they are dreaming
while awake, contemplating death and their loved ones who have died. I'm
rambling. I guess I believe we are more than mortal, but am open to
physiological explanations and that is how I view my experience.
Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
No
Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your
experience?
No
I've
experimented with religion, but I just can't get into it and don't believe in
it. In fact, the more I've studied religious texts, the less I believe in
religion, but respect it as a means for others to connect to their humanity,
community, and mortality.
Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life,
medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Did
the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
Yes
