Fena D's NDE

Experience description: 

Life has been difficult emotionally for some time....several years in fact.  Events led up to me just wanting to die.  I just didn't want to hurt any longer.  I saw no way out of the pain.  I had not planned suicide but the night, the moment, recent events....some alcohol and pills available....within moments my mind was made up.  I had hit the wall.  I had no intention of living.  I wanted to die. As a matter of fact, when I was in ER and they were bringing me around...after the NDE, I fought them begging them to please let me go...that I did not want to come back to this side.  Those were my exact words...."I don't want to come back to this side, I want to stay on the other side".  Those were my first words. 

So...I drank a few beers...ate a few pills...drank a couple more beers and then I remembered that I had not called my sister.  I wanted to say goodbye to her without letting her know what I was doing.  I had already written a suicide note explaining everything but I wanted to hear my sister's voice.  During our conversation, she knew something was wrong.  I told her that I was not feeling well.  During our conversation, the pills kicked in quicker than I had thought...and I passed out while talking to her.  She called 911 from Mississippi  (I live just outside Chicago) and she could not get connected.  She eventually called the Police in the town that I live in and convinced them to call an ambulance.  It took 40 minutes for them to find my correct address and they came in through my bedroom window via a ladder.  I am in an apartment on the second floor and they could not get in the main door so they broke through the window and found me unconscious.  The next thing that I knew was waking up in ER.  They were working on me.  I remember all the people around me and fighting them to leave me alone so that I could stay in the place where I had recently been. I physically started fighting them because so desperately wanted to stay in that happy, loving, peaceful place that I had been. 

Now for the experience: 

The first conscious thing that I remember is that there was a swooshing sound...very light...sort of like when a parachute opens and the calm that follows while you are floating to the ground.  There was a light....not blinding but like a soft light shining through a fog.  The feeling was so peaceful...no pain, calm, happy and there were "people" or spirits of people that I knew.  There was a feeling of happiness and laughter and camaraderie of all that were there.  I saw no bodies but I knew some of the people and felt friends all around me.  I can't say who they were but I know that I knew all of them and that they knew me.  They were happy to see me.  I was so very happy to be there.  I was rejoicing and ready to stay.  It is at almost the moment that I knew that I wanted to stay that "someone" said to me..."no, you can't stay...it is not your time".  I argued that I didn't want to go back but the voice said in a commanding yet loving tone...."no...it is not your time".  I remember being upset and starting to resist and the spirit repeated "no...you can't stay" and the light swooshing sound and light took me right back to the ER and almost as if in unison the voice on the spirit side said "no, it is not your time" the person working on me in ER, when I woke up after leaving the spirit world, was saying the same words at the same time, "No, it is not your time". 

I heard the same words in two worlds at the same time.  Leaving the spirit world and entering the physical world, the voices were saying that to me.   That is the last thing that I remember before waking up a few hours later and looking over the side of the bed in ER and looking into the face of my best friend Carroll.  (she is the emergency contact in my phone and had been called).  When I woke up and looked at Carroll, I said "what are you doing here?" and she smiled and said that they had called her.  My next sentence was..."Carroll, there is life after death.  There is another side, I was there."  Then I slipped back into sleep.  Later when I woke up again, I told her that again and I told her that I didn't want to come back.  Weeks later, we have talked about that incident several times.  Us talking about that has led us looking on the internet about NDE.  This is how I found this web site.   

My feelings about this experience have been positive.  I believe that I was not supposed to die.  The spirits indicated that I had more things to do and they were counting on me to do them.  What...I don't know.  I keep asking for direction.  If I am supposed to live, then what is the mission that I am supposed to accomplish.  In difficult times after the attempt, I keep asking for signs, for direction.   

I have run a large social network for singles to meet for friendships, dating and charity.  Many people are friends today because of the people that attend my events.  Some are couples, some are friends and some are marriages.  While having all these people in my life and around my life, I have been so lonely and apart from everyone.  Everything that I do is scrutinized and if I blow my nose, everyone in the community knows it. I almost have a celebrity like status.   I meet a lot of people and make a lot of social friends and help others make friends but I am probably one of the loneliest people there are in the group.  I can't truly befriend many of the people that come to my events for many reasons.  Business, personal and just not physically possible.  My dear closest friends are friends that I made through my events some time ago when it was small.  Carroll is one of those friends.  I feel that the message that it was not my time, is that I am supposed to do something special...truly special for people.  I just don't know what that is.  Is it through the social group?  What??   I wish that I knew.  I know that a lot of people look to me for direction.  Many people follow me and watch me. I have always been a leader.  I feel that the message was that I am supposed to do something great.  

First I have to get through the pain that I am in and then figure out what I am supposed to do.  Over the last month, since the suicide attempt, I have spent a lot of time thinking about after life and how I am supposed to live the rest of my life and accomplish what I am supposed to do.  I know that this message was very strong and I "FEEL" that something great is going to happen. I just don't know what.   

I know that the feelings that I had when I was on the other side is where I want to be when I leave this world.  I have to do the work here before I can go back to where I want to call home.  I have probably another 25 years to figure that out.  I know that this experience is going to make a huge difference in how I live the remainder of my life.  NOW I know that there is no death after this life.  I want desperately to go back to the other world.  I  just know that I can't go until it is my time. 

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No      

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Yes    

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?    During the conversation with the spirits.  The smiles, the laughter, the welcoming...the happiness when I was briefly with them.

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness?    More consciousness and alertness than normal

If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain:            True 100% communication.  No doubt how they felt about me or how I felt about them.   There was no fear.

Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)?  Yes     Everything was fuzzy but I knew everyone there. It was not visual as much as consciousness

Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)?            No      

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Yes

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Peaceful, happy, I felt that I had arrived to where I am supposed to be.  NO pain.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?          No      

Did you see a light?           Yes     Soft foggy light.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes    

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes    

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes            Whoever it was that was giving me directions was the authority.  No question.  Even though I fought the decision.  I knew that what he/she was saying that it was law.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes     The moment that I woke up.  My friend believed me.  She even shared with me after that that she had gone to a friend of hers that channels.  She lost her boyfriend last year to suicide.  We have talked extensively about it.  I have told several people and most of them believe me.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?    Yes     tv shows....and the book crossing over.

How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:            Experience was definitely real    I know that this happened.  NO DOUBT.

Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you?    see the story above

How do you currently view the reality of your experience:            Experience was definitely real    NO DOUBT

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?           Yes     I know that there is some purpose for me.  I just keep looking for it.

Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?            Yes            No structured religion but I now know that there is life after death and we are going to be accountable for what we do during this life.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No      

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?          I know that this happened.  I know that this has changed the way that I am going to continue to live my life.  I have a purpose but I have to find the path that I am supposed to take.

Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?         Yes