Curt AL's NDE

Experience description: 

      I was at a wrap party following the closing of a show.  In retrospect, it was really stupid of me -- I had been up and going full speed for about thirty hours and I was exhausted.  I should have gone home instead of to the party -- but all the actors were more or less obligated to attend because of the presence of the patrons, etc.

I became very ill at the party.  I experienced nausea and vomiting, diarrhea, I was dizzy, had difficulty breathing, and felt extremely cold.  Extreme cold in April in North Carolina is not that common.  It was probably 75 degrees out, and downright hot in the room where the party was held, but I was freezing. 

Another actor and two other people (I remember the other two people, but I didn't know who they were) picked me up when I collapsed and carried/dragged me to a car and drove me to the nearest hospital.   I was able to hear them, but I couldn't move or talk. 

At the entrance to the Emergency Room, two technicians (orderlies, doctors, attendants -- two guys in white) pulled me out of the car and put me on a gurney.  I remember them asking me lots of questions.  I could understand them, but I didn't know what they meant (at the time).  Plus, I couldn't move or talk.

I remember being wheeled into what at the time I thought was an operating room -- but I later assumed was an ER "stall" or whatever term they give to those little treatment areas.

I felt that I have jerking in convulsions, but I know that I was absolutely still.  I remember a doctor or technician taking out my contact lenses.  The light was intensely, painfully bright.  When he shinned a light into my eyes, the effect was agonizing.  I tired to scream, and I tried to talk, but I couldn't.  I was told later than I was comatose . . . but I know that I wasn't because I remember everything.  I felt everything.

All physical sensations were greatly magnified.  People touching me really hurt.  The catheter for a urine specimen was incredibly painful.  Even the pressure of a mask (which I assume was oxygen) hurt as it touched my face.

I was still very cold, but the pain (internal pain -- it still hurt when they touched me) continued.  The noise level was deafening.  I seemed that everything was overly amplified and that the technicians were screaming over me. 

Then suddenly, as I took a breath -- perhaps it was the oxygen or whatever they were feeding me kicked in -- I felt as though my body was expanding.  I started to feel warm.  Things became quiet.  I didn't hurt anymore. 

I felt as though I were floating up toward the rather high ceiling.  I felt a breeze on my left side, and turned to look toward that direction.  I rolled over and could look down on myself, or my body, lying on the table.  I remember thinking, "Wow!  Nancy was right.  I AM really skinny!"  I weighed about 130 at the time.  With my height and structure, I should weigh 145-150 or so.

While I was looking down at my body, I heard a doctor say, "Oh shit!  We're losing him!"  Everything seemed to be in slow motion.  I saw him pound on my chest -- I suppose to re-start my heart.  I tried to say, "No!  Don't hurt him.  Leave him alone."  I realized it was it seemed a bit strange to refer to myself as "him," but at that time, I felt that I was the entity looking down on a man who looked a lot like I used to look -- but that it wasn't really me.

I closed my eyes.  I didn't want to watch them hurt him anymore.  I floated.  I turned over so that I was lying (floating) on my back.  The intense brightness of the hospital room started fading away and became a gentle "fog."  I remember thinking it was a pale green and wondered how I knew that because I knew I had my eyes closed.  I felt that I was near something wonderful and exciting but I didn't know what it was.  But I was gently drifting toward it.  The "nice place" whatever or wherever it was, was down and to the right.  That it, if I had been lying with my head to the north and feet to the south, the place would have been southwest, or maybe south-southwest.  It wasn't really "down" but toward my feet.

I sensed that whatever that place was -- it was brighter than the green mist.  Not uncomfortably bright as the hospital had been, but comfortably bright.  I wanted to go there.

I did have the flash review of life.  While I felt that everything was moving extremely slowly, the review was incredibly fast.  I remembered a lot of incidents from the past . . . re-performed roles . . . held "conversations" with people.  I remembered my entire life, almost as if I were re-living life on multiple levels simultaneously.  I felt this incredible power to devote my total concentration on several different things at the same time.

Suddenly I "slammed" back into my body.  The pain was back, the bright lights, and overly-loud sounds.  But this time I wasn't cold.  I was sweating profusely.

I was aware that doctors, nurses and technicians were talking, but I couldn't understand them.  Then I drifted away -- or went to sleep -- or lost consciousness. 

I know that I spent the night in the hospital, and my friend took me to his house later because he couldn't find my keys.  I wasn't aware of that.  All I remembered what that I awoke in a strange bed in a strange house.  He told me to go back to sleep . . . and I did.  I'm told I slept for forty hours.  I doubt that.  I think that it might well have been forty hours from the beginning of the incident until I awoke -- but I was told I slept for forty hours.

I went to my doctor for a follow-up the next day.  His reaction was more or less, "Well, I don't see anything wrong with you now."  So I left -- someone drove me to get my car -- I went home and felt fine.

I was angry that the doctors were "hurting" that skinny little guy I was watching.  And I resented being cheated out of finding out what the wonderful place was like. 

Nothing comparable has happened since.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience:  No

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes

      What was it about the experience that makes it hard to communicate?  I've tried for years to figure out a way to explain it to someone, and I can't.  It was simultaneously pleasant and frightening.  I was also sort of angry at the time -- first that I was dying (I thought) then that they had the gall to drag me back.

At the time of the experience, was there an associated life threatening event?  Yes

      Describe:  I was exhausted at the time.  I was also in intense pain, had difficulty breathing, experiencing extreme dizziness and blurred vision.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?  I felt very alert.  I was told I was "out cold," but I knew I was paralyzed and mute.

Was the experience dream like in any way?  It was not dreamlike.  It was very real to me.

Did you experience a separation of consciousness from your body?  Yes

Describe your appearance or form apart from your body:  I didn't really feel a form.  I didn't think I was "really" me while I was looking down on my body, but my essence was there.  I don't know what I looked like.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?  pain, anger -- then a relaxed restfulness -- then brief pain as I "went back" into my body.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?  No sounds were unusual -- just normal sound were incredibly loud.

Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure?  No

      Describe:  I was "near" some place, but it wasn't any sort of tunnel or enclosure.

Did you see a light?  Yes

      Describe:  I sensed that it was brighter "there," but I didn't see any intense or otherwise abnormal light.

Did you meet or see any other beings?  No

Did you experience a review of past events in your life?  Yes

      Describe:  I just reviewed.  I didn't learn anything new.

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?  Yes

      Describe:  I was told later that the doctor did say he thought they were losing me.  That is the only thing I can verify.  My friend who had taken me to the hospital heard the doctor say it.  The doctor also later said that he thought they had lost me. 

Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions?  Yes

      Describe:  It was beautiful in the sense that it was pain-free and comfortable.  I had no visual impression of the place.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes

      Describe:  To me, it was an incredibly long time -- in actuality it was only a few minutes.

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?  Yes

      Describe:  I knew that the answers to all the questions were "there," if I could just get there.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?  No

Did you become aware of future events?  No

Were you involved in or aware of a decision to return to the body?  Uncertain

      Describe:  I'm not sure I understand this.  I knew they were trying to bring me back.  It wasn't my idea.  I didn't want to go back.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience?  Uncertain

      Describe:  I think I am more aware than I used to be.  That could, of course, be a function of age.  That was almost half-a-life ago, so I certainly should be more aware.  If nothing else, at least I cherish life more without fearing death.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?  No

Has the experience affected your relationships?  Daily life?  Religious practices etc.?  Career choices?  No real changes.

Have you shared this experience with others?  Yes

      Describe:  I've told a very few people.  The reactions ranged from "You are so full of it!" to "Oh, wow!  Really?"  I don't think I have influenced anyone in particular.  Well, there was a crazy graduate student who used to stalk me.  She decided to have a near death experience, too.  But she was just a Looney.  She later attacked an actor I had spoken to after a performance -- just a general "Good job, buddy" type encounter.  I had never met him before.  She attacked him, tried to kill him because, as she said later, "He was coming between us."  I guess in her mind a stranger could well come between us since we had never been together.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  I was just tired.  I was a little depressed, perhaps irritated, that I had been cheated of going to wherever that place was.  After a few days, I felt fine.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?  Best:  Feeling the incredible comfort of being near that place.

Worst:  The pain of being slammed back.

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?  I don't think so.  I don't know what you need to know for your research.  I would be happy to answer any question(s) you might have -- but I'm not sure I have anything else to add.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?  Uncertain

      Describe:  I don't feel particularly different, but I now have a much increased reverence for life.  Since then I'm not even able to kill an insect.  I catch spiders and take them outside -- and then feel guilty because it will be cold and uncomfortable for them.  I used to step on bugs -- now I try to chase them away.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?  No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?  Yes

      Explain:  I think it is accurate.  It is accurate according to my recollection.

Please offer any suggestions you have to improve the www.nderf.org questionnaire?  I'm sure there are questions you could ask which would help me.  But I'm not sure what they are.  It isn't that I'm asking for help.  If my experience means anything to you research, or can help someone else, great.  I am not looking for anything myself.